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connerm96
April 20th, 2014, 02:08 AM
This is a little thing I wrote awhile back about a man living in a post apocalyptic wasteland contemplating all that has happened.


In the morning I see things have gotten worse. My face appears to have aged ten years overnight. Have I aged ten years in actuality I cannot remember. I've lost track of time. Hours, days, weeks, months, years, none of them matter anymore. Nothing matters ever since IT happened. The enjoyable has been destroyed. I forget the taste of food, the touch of grass, the sound of birds, and the feeling of love. Unspeakable horrors plague my days, and uncountable nightmares haunt my nights. What I once knew to be good is now gone. The evil taint of mankind has devoured this earth until there was nothing left. We dried up its resources, and impregnated it with our corrupt desires. We went down a path of chaos in the name of progress, and blind ambition. Greed came before need, powers rose and fell, and the deeds of man plunged us into war. What's done is done and life goes on. Life... Heh.. It's just a joke now. Death is beginning to look more attractive by the day, and it's attempts to seduce me have almost won. The damned harlot has almost grasped me in her shadowy claws. Well, it's time to go. I left the mirror, grabbed my belongings and stepped out the door. This house I had stayed in belonged to a family once. A hardworking father, a caring mother, an energetic little boy, and a sweet little girl. All turned to ash and now just a hovel to keep a wretch like me under a roof for another few hours. Rifle in hand, I trudged out into the nuclear wasteland that we've created for ourselves. This desolate land was once Chicago. At least, it may have been Chicago. Memories of better days no longer have a place in this world. Chicago is a city no longer, but instead, a den of monsters.

gamblingworld
April 20th, 2014, 06:05 PM
The protagonist comes across as really lost in this piece, and you do get the feeling that he doesn't even know why he's still trying to live. Good work there!

I'm not sure about the simplicity of the 'greed came before need' bit. That may very well be the case but you talk about how corrupt humanity is and then talk about an energetic little boy and sweet little girl. They don't sound very corrupt to me, so maybe humanity isn't corrupt, perhaps just elements of humanity are, so maybe the responsibility for the disaster should be explored a little more deeply. Unless the protagonist is meant to be a zealot, but I don't think he is, he's just confused I think.

connerm96
April 20th, 2014, 07:55 PM
Thank you :) yea good points, I guess I was kind of trying to show that there was good in humanity with things like the family, but the aspirations of more powerful people destroyed the last bastions of good like that.

30Drummer30
April 21st, 2014, 03:06 AM
You really captured the guilt and loneliness. It reminded me of I am legend. Props on that.

mohawksavage
April 22nd, 2014, 02:01 AM
Nice little short piece. It leaves me wanting more. Lately all I read is post apocalyptic fiction. I can't seem to get enough.

playerslayer666
April 25th, 2014, 12:40 AM
the story of a man trying to stay with it even though he's already gone insane. i love it already.

his love hate relationship with death puts a smile on my face. it's just too funny! this has plenty of potential for lots of humorously badass moments.

he does seem to know a bit too much about the house. maybe a mention of seeing a picture of the family would have made sense of that. if he knew them he should have known em by name. and then there would have been a need for some backstory on them and yada yada..... yeah next time just leave a picture and be done with it. i honestly didn't get the feeling he really knew them anyway.

thepancreas11
April 28th, 2014, 01:26 PM
Really liked this. Emotionally taut, character marred, world left for dead.

Couple of notes:

Watch you're tenses. You have a problem with a couple of sentences, most notably "The evil taint of mankind has devoured this earth until there was nothing left." That sentence reads very awkwardly. In general, try to leave out has and was as verb modifiers because direct tenses tend to stir more emotion and trigger greater responses, at least from my experience. Always get yelled at for my "Semi-Passive" voice like this.

..."Ever since IT happened". Not strong. This was the weakest part of your whole story. You're building this emotional mountain, and you've just leveled it with this flat sentence structure. Don't tell me IT happened. Show me IT happened. Even after that with the impregnating the Earth bit. Build the scene. Build the broken Earth. "Dust from the rubble, ashes from the fires, smog from the fallout mix into one and assault my nostrils." "The crunch under my feet lures me to look down, but I know better than to answer lest the bones of my brethren be what breaks beneath my feet." It's always better to build the scene than to give it away.

I'm eager to see more of your stuff. Love the possibility of apocalypses, myself. Think they're probably one of the most interesting subjects because they so easily provide a field on which to examine the human nature.

escorial
April 28th, 2014, 03:49 PM
enjoyed man...more of them.

connerm96
April 28th, 2014, 10:16 PM
Thanks for the comments all. I'll keep them in mind. I've revised this from it's original state already but I will definitely take what you've said into consideration. I might make more of these shorts on this guys life, yet keeping him nameless and keeping much of the state of the world unknown. Simply what goes on in his head to himself is what I'm trying to convey, not so much him telling an unknown audience about what has happened. Thank you.

cdr112
May 17th, 2014, 04:47 PM
Great way to lead into a story. I found myself wanting to know more about where he is going. Very interesting.

codylf95
May 17th, 2014, 05:02 PM
It's good, it appears more poetic than anything though. If you want to write a poetic story that shows skill, but you may reach less of a market.