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Johns_25y
April 19th, 2014, 05:39 AM
Just something i come up with. I had nothing better to do :tongue:. Hope you guys enjoy. Let me know what you think.

Ps. Sorry for grammar errors.


"Sarah!, hurry up. It’s getting late," she heard her mother scream from the living room.

“Coming Mom!. I’m almost ready," she replied trying to calm her.

Her mother was the kind of people that gave great importance to punctuality. Since she was only a child, Sarah’s mother always used to wake her early. That she could get make it to the school in time.


Since her father had abandoned them, her mother took care of everything at home. He had a steady job as a waitress that was barely just enough to pay for the house. However, her mother was always there, whenever Sarah needed her. She was very lucky to have her in her life.

When she finished dressing, Sarah look herself in the mirror. Her brown hair looked ...

"Wait a moment," she thought. “Am I stupid?. I saw myself last night, why am I acting like I don’t know what I look like? " . She walked away from the mirror, opened the door of her room and went down stairs.

His mother seemed very impatient; her face was red and her eyes bulging.

“You’d better hurry," she said as she handed her her backpack. “Denise must be waiting for you. Where exactly did she tell you she was gonna be?”.

"Um ... in Thomas AV. She said she would be in the Thomas Av”.

"You could have told her, to pick up you here. It would have been easier."

" Yeah, my mistake”. She replied trying to sound ashamed. “Don’t worry mom; I’ll make it in time”.

"Easy for you to say."

"Oh come on, mom!. You don’t need to be so dramatic. I will get there in time”. She kissed her and then headed to the door.

" By the way mom”, she said before leaving. “Maybe I’ll come back a little later than usual. Denise offered to help me with my essay. I’ll go to the library with her”.

His mother sighed. “All right, but please. Don’t forget to call. You how much I worry everytime you don’t answer my calls”.

“I won’t, mom”, she opened the door and went outside.

His mother peered out the window. Sarah waved her goodbye and then she went up the street towards Thomas Av.


“All right, keep walking. Just a little more and then you can stop pretending”.

She arrived at the intersection and then cross the street . She kept walking until she found an empty alley near some buildings being that were being remodeled. His heart staring beating, more and more strongly with each passing second.

If anyone saw her, she would be in big problems. Sarah made ​​sure no one was watching her . Then, just as she was about to do it a noise behind her alerted her.

“Hey , girl!”. The man said . “Do you have some cash ?, I need my medicine. Do you have some cash?”.

The guy was acting very strange and erratically. His clothes were a ripped and his voice sounded confused.

“This guy is so stoned I’m surprised he can walk straight. I’m very lucky”. “No sorry. I was just ... um ... I was just waiting for some friends to pick me up”

“What a coincidence”, the guy said laughing. "I 'm short of friends. C-Can… can I be your friend”.

“You are a creep, aren’t you?”. “Suuure, just… just let me call child protection. They love guys like you”.

“What the hell did you just say, brat?”

“I said that you're too big to play with girls and dolls. Although, on second thought. The guys in prison, on the other hand, love guys like you. I know!, Maybe you could ask them to be you your new friends!”.

“Okay, no more games brat”. The guy pulled out a knife from his pants. “You better give me whatever little you have, if you don’t wanna get hurt”.

“Whoa, a knife ” Sarah tried sound surprised. “Are you going to use it to clean your teeth?”. The man, apparently, had had enough. He ran to her and tried to cut her,


Sarah instinctively jumped as high as she could. If the guy saw her as she rose, she did not get to know.

Within a few seconds, she was several miles above the city. The buildings looked as small as the first time she saw them from that high. According to the information she had been reading, at that altitude the human body could begin to suffer symptoms of altitude sickness. Lack of appetite, nausea, vomiting, fatigue, weakness dizziness or lightheadedness. Among other things.

None of that bothered her, she felt perfectly. In fact, she felt much better when she was flying than when she walked.

The memories of the first time she flew were still fresh.

She was falling asleep after studying for a math test. She felt the bed sagged under her. Or at least that's what she had thought. It wasn’t until her mouth touched the ceiling of her room that she realized what was happening. It took her several days of pratcticing for her to do it at will.

Sarah looked at her watch and saw that she had less than ten minutes to get to the high school.

“Okay, if I hurry, I may reach Michelson Lake before the time runs out. A hundred miles is nothing”. She took one last look to her city people and then she proceeded to fly as fast as she could.

“I'll never get tired of this”.

popsprocket
April 19th, 2014, 06:26 AM
"Sarah!,[No double punctuation, pick one or the other, since 'hurry up' isn't capitalised, you would pick the comma in this instance. If you'd rather choose the exclamation point then 'Hurry up' becomes a sentence all of its own] hurry up. It’s getting late," she heard her mother scream ['Scream' is an awfully strong word for someone raising their voice in a house. 'Called' would be a better word choice. Using scream makes it sound like they're shouting at the top of their lungs] from the living room [No full stop?]

“Coming Mom!. [As above] I’m almost ready," she replied, [comma] trying to calm her.

Her mother was the kind of person that gave great importance to punctuality. Since she was only a child [This wording makes it sound like Sarah is currently a child], Sarah’s mother always used to wake her early. That she could get make it to the school in time. [Just... read this again and see if you think it makes sense]

Since her father had abandoned them, her mother took care of everything at home. She had a steady job as a waitress that was barely just enough [Redundant wording, pick 'barely' or 'just enough', but not both] to pay for the house. However, her mother was always there [no comma] whenever Sarah needed her. She was very lucky to have her in her [Not really an issue in this instance since the subjects are clear, but be careful of how many same-sex pronouns you use in a sentence that is referring to multiple people] life.

When she finished dressing, Sarah look herself in the mirror. Her brown hair looked ...

"Wait a moment," she thought. “Am I stupid?. [Double punctuation!] I saw myself last night, why am I acting like I don’t know what I look like?" [Cute, especially since I was about to scold you for using a mirror to describe a character, but also little better than simply going through with the description. If comedy is what you're going for then sure, otherwise this just ruins immersion]. She walked away from the mirror, opened the door of her room and went down stairs.

His mother seemed very impatient; her face was red and her eyes bulging.

“You’d better hurry," she said as she handed her her backpack. “Denise must be waiting for you. Where exactly did she tell you she was gonna to [Plenty of people use this kind of colloquialism in their writing, but it's clumsy and looks bad. Better to write out 'going to be' than use 'gonna' unless you are trying to convey an especially rough-around-the-edges character] be?”.

"Um... in Thomas Avenue. [When we speak we don't shorten street types like we do in writing. Type it out in full] She said she would be in the Thomas Avenue”.

"You could have told her, [No comma] to pick up you here. It would have been easier."

"Yeah, my mistake”. [Punctuation goes inside the quotation marks] She replied trying to sound ashamed. “Don’t worry, [Always use a comma before a direct address] mom; [Yes and no. Not technically an incorrect usage of the semi-colon, but not a good one either. In this instance a normal comma is what you want] I’ll make it in time”.

"Easy for you to say."

"Oh come on, mom!. You don’t need to be so dramatic. I will get there in time”. She kissed her and then headed to the door.

"By the way, mom”, she said before leaving, “maybe [The proper format for this is " 'Speech speech,' action, 'speech speech.'] I’ll come back a little later than usual. Denise offered to help me with my essay. I’ll go to the library with her”.

His mother sighed. “Alright, but please, don’t forget to call. You know how much I worry every time you don’t answer my calls”.

“I won’t, mom”, she opened the door and went outside.

His mother peered out the window. Sarah waved her goodbye and then she went up the street towards Thomas Avenue.

[I]“Alright, keep walking. Just a little more and, and [? What are you trying to convey here? A hesitation in the speech? If so you would go with 'Just a little more and... and then you [...]'] then you can stop pretending”.

She arrived at the intersection and then cross the street. She kept walking until she found an empty alley near some buildings being that were being remodeled. His heart staring beating, more and more strongly [Awfully clumsy wording] with each passing second.

If anyone saw her, she would be in big trouble. Sarah made ​​sure no one was watching her. Then, just as she was about to do it, a noise behind her alerted her [Same issue as what I said somewhere above. This isn't necessarily incorrect, but it's really clumsy and should be reworded].

“Hey, girl!”. [Triple punctuation! Remove the full stop in this instance] The man said. “Do you have some cash?, [Keep the question mark, begin a new sentence] I need my medicine. Do you have some cash?”.

The guy was acting very strange and erratically [Redundant wording]. His clothes were a ripped and his voice sounded confused.

“This guy is so stoned I’m surprised he can walk straight. I’m very lucky”. [To avoid confusion, you need to figure out how better to convey the difference between thoughts and speech. It is most common for people to put thoughts in italics but with no quotation marks at all] “No sorry. I was just... um... I was just waiting for some friends to pick me up” [Needs a full stop]

“What a coincidence”, the guy said, laughing, "I'm short of friends. C-Can… can I be your friend”.

“You are a creep, aren't you?”. [Remove the full stop; see above on conveying thoughts] “Suuure [No. Just... no. I haven't said anything else about your inclusion of 'natural' speech patterns elsewhere - which is a big 'no' in general - but if you want to convey her apprehension you would do something like " 'Sure,' she dragged the word out, raising an eyebrow,"] , just… just let me call child protection [Child protection aren't the ones who come out and pick up people off the street. Kids, if pedo harasses you then call the police first]. They love guys like you”.

“What the hell did you just say, brat?”

“I said that you're too big to play with girls and dolls. Although, on second thought. The guys in prison, on the other hand, love guys like you [Just poor phrasing in general]. I know!, Maybe you could ask them to be you your new friends!”.

“Okay, no more games, brat”. The guy pulled out a knife from his pants. “You better give me whatever little you have, if you don’t want to [See above about my aversion to 'gonna'] get hurt”.

“Whoa, a knife,” Sarah tried sound surprised. “Are you going to use it to clean your teeth?”. The man, apparently, had had enough. He ran to her and tried to cut her. [If this and the next bit aren't going to be one sentence, then you don't use a comma to join them]

Sarah instinctively jumped as high as she could. If the guy saw her as she rose, she did not get to know. ['she didn't look down to find out']

Within a few seconds, she was several miles above the city. The buildings looked as small as the first time she saw them from that high. According to the information she had been reading, at that altitude the human body could begin to suffer symptoms of altitude sickness. [Why is there a sentence break here? I'm sure if I put this into Word it would call this a sentence fragment] Lack of appetite, nausea, vomiting, fatigue, weakness, dizziness or lightheadedness. Among other things. [Again, not particularly sure why this is another sentence. I'd also avoid the long list of problems with the altitude. It's crude. Saying something like 'At this height the body could experience all kinds of problems,' is much more refined]

None of that bothered her, she felt perfectly. In fact she felt much better when she was flying than when she was walking [Seems a bit dumb to say].

The memories of the first time she flew were still fresh.

She was falling asleep after studying for a math test. She felt the bed sag under hem. Or at least that's what she had thought. It wasn't until her mouth [Really? You float up to the ceiling and the first thing that touches is your mouth (which is pretty specifically the inside of a person's mouth, what you mean is 'lips')? Leaving boobs aside, your nose or probably knees/thighs would touched the ceiling first] touched the ceiling of her room that she realized what was happening.

Sarah looked at her watch and saw that she had less than ten minutes to get to the high school.

“Okay, if I hurry, I may reach Michelson Lake before the time runs out. A hundred miles [I'm confused. Does she travel 100 miles each way to school? And if so, with a punctuality-freak of a mother, why would she have so little time allotted to this travel process?] is nothing”. She took one last look to her city people and then she proceeded to fly as fast as she could.
[I]
“I'll never get tired of this”.


The key to good writing is to proof read and edit. There are so many errors here that you could have picked up yourself before putting it on the forum.

I know you said don't worry about the grammar, but you have to worry about it eventually. It's not good enough to be able to a story well or write well, you need to be able to do both.

My comments are in blue, the things I'm picking on are in red, and things I've added, changed, or edited are in orange. This isn't really the extent of what I'd like to say about what's written here, but it's enough to get you started.

I'll let someone else talk about the content, I'm better at critiquing the technical aspect.

mohawksavage
April 21st, 2014, 07:44 PM
I found your story to be a difficult read. Several times I had to reread sentences due to grammar errors or context issues. I am no english teacher and am quite bad at grammar myself so I will not go into detail. I am a new member to this site and love to read short stories. Keep them coming and as the old adage goes, practice makes perfect.

-xXx-
April 28th, 2015, 10:14 PM
Hi Johns_25y.

Yay, popsprocket!
Technical is good!

I like that you have embraced the show.me.don't.tell.me aspect of storytelling.
I feel as if I woke up in someone else's home and was watching their morning routine.
A fuller description, if desired, can comfortably come in bits and pieces as the story develops.
I like the interaction with the "alley mugger".
Same thoughts there: showing, adequate description to engage the reader's mind's eye.
Then, there is an important section.
The author is going to help the reader grasp how the main character made this unsettling
self discovery, explored and tested it, and got to the current level of mastery.
This is the author's opportunity to help me identify with the main character's experience.
This is when believing begins.
Make me believe.

*checks back*