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JPeguero25
April 16th, 2014, 08:01 AM
So I just finished my film treatment, and would really appreciate it if I can get some constructive criticism on it!


Sad, but True
By Jason Peguero


Logline: A boy talks about his life with his girlfriend, only to learn that his experience with her is, but a dream.

ACT 1:

JOHN, a 24 year old male, walks towards a deserted bus bench and sits on the far left side. He sits nervously, waiting for the bus to come by. While waiting, JANE, a 23 year old female, walks towards the bench and sits on the far right side. She sits nervously playing with her phone. John looks at her while she looks back. Both turn away quickly and sit in silence. He speaks how both of them are heading to their friend’s houses ready to go on blind dates, unaware they are each other’s blind date.

Sunlight pierces through the underbelly of the trees. John and Jane walk through the park holding each other’s hands. They stop under a nice shaded tree, and lay under it staring up at the trees, relaxing. John speaks how they have seen each other only a few months, and yet they have some many things in common such as enjoying long walks in the park.

John covers Jane’s eyes with his hands, leading her inside his house. Jane laughs and giggles, wondering what John is doing. He removes his hands and she becomes speechless at the sight of an elegant dinner table. He walks over and opens her chair, seating her. Jane becomes emotional, ready to cry in joy. John walks over with a catering tray, reveling their fancy dinner…burgers and fries. She looks towards John with confusion. He shrugs in embarrassment. Jane laughs and hugs him with joy. He continues to speak on about how he couldn't afford a fancy meal, but wasn’t a problem for Jane. He continues saying that not all the times were great.

ACT 2:

Jane argues with John at her house. She picks up his phone and screams at him, shoving the phone in his face and pointing at the screen. John tries his best to calm her down, but fails. He explains their first argument and how Jane found out about him speaking with a woman secretly. He continues on saying he had been speaking to his cousin, asking for help with the elegant dinner surprise for Jane. He mentions that not all their problems were this simple.

Jane cries on her couch with John sitting right besides her, trying to comfort her. She covers her face with her hands, crying non-stop. He rubs her back and hugs her closely, not letting go. John explains about the passing of Jane’s father.

Jane stands alone outside her patio at the reception. Crying alone, John walks outside and stands next to her. She turns towards him, cleans herself a bit, and tightly hugs him. Startled a bit, he hugs Jane back. He speaks about Jane and her father’s relationship, and no matter how tough the times are, they have each other to support one another.

After the funeral John returns home that night. Preparing himself for bed, his doorbell rings. He walks over to the door to find Jane waiting outside. In seconds she leaps at him and kisses him passionately. John closes the door. He tells about their first sexual experience together.

The next morning John awakes seeing Jane by his side. He smiles, watching her sleep peacefully. She wakes up and smiles at the sight of John. He expresses his love for Jane, and wouldn’t want anything else in this world. He looks at her and says he loves her, she responds back saying she loves him. Both move closer to each other ready to exchange kisses. The sound of an alarm clock goes off.

ACT 3:

John wakes up to the alarm. He looks towards his clock and shuts it off. He sits up in his bed in silence. He becomes depress and curses to himself. He rubs his eyes and falls back on the bed. He shows regret of waking up.

He gets up from his bed and heads towards the bathroom. He drags his feet all through the hallway. In the bathroom he opens his medicine cabinet and searches through it. He spots a certain pill bottle and reaches for it. He opens it to find a small amount of sleeping pills. He reminds himself to place another prescription. He takes one of the pills and drinks some water.

He walks back to his bed and gets under the blankets. He rests his head and closes his eyes. Before falling back to sleep, he tells himself that he hopes to see Jane again.

tabasco5
August 25th, 2014, 11:19 PM
From what I see there are only a few basic scenes and very little plot/character/story development. As written, this is 20 or maybe 30 minutes of screen time. If written well, it could possibly make for a quirky short film, but definitely not feature length . In my opinion, the "whole story was a dream" concept is a disappointment. Hope this helps.