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Bard_Daniel
April 15th, 2014, 12:12 PM
The Birds:


The birds flew over the lonely sky, heading south, with the coming of the dawn.

They would never leave each other behind, they moved as a group, as a family, in formation.

There was so much beauty in it that Abraham, when he looked up at the sky, ready to give up on everything, reconsidered.

He watched them until they faded, like a phantasmagoria vision in a dream of a dream, over the hills and far away.

Far away from him, his life, his hopes....

Far away from everything they could have left behind, except the essence of life.

riven_hands
April 15th, 2014, 08:02 PM
I like the image and emotions you've evoked here; that part of it is well done. It does feel much more like a poem than flash fiction, though, and I think it might work better as a poem. Also, you don't need phantasmagoria and vision--they're both nouns, so one should be an adjective the way you've positioned them. In fact, I think you can take that phrase out, leaving the line as "like a dream of a dream," and accomplish the same effect without the rare "phantasmagoria" in there.

Folcro
April 16th, 2014, 07:26 AM
As a novel writer, one not very good at short stories and abysmal at flash, I find it difficult to truly appreciate such works as these: I always want to see something bigger. That's just how my mind works.

For example: your story gets me thinking--- He is admiring the birds, how far away they are, their progression. He compares them to "his hopes." Usually, "hope" is a word used in positive connotation, but he admires these creatures as though they are progressing toward something better than his hopes. It seems to me that he admires the simple fact that progression is taking place at all among these birds: something more than he can ever hope for.

So yeah, you got me thinking. Maybe thinking too deeply.

Perhaps that kind of feeling is what flash is for. Maybe I'll open my horizons a bit to flash. Perhaps the birds have taught me something too.

Bard_Daniel
April 16th, 2014, 08:57 AM
Thanks for the input guys!

Olly Buckle
April 16th, 2014, 09:26 AM
like a phantasmagoria vision in a dream of a dreamSeems slightly tautological, how about 'like a phantasmagoria or a dream of a dream'

Why 'could have' in the last line?

Bard_Daniel
April 16th, 2014, 09:29 AM
Seems slightly tautological, how about 'like a phantasmagoria or a dream of a dream'

Why 'could have' in the last line?

You're right. It is tautological. A dream of a dream would be better, I think.

And I don't know about the second point. Maybe I should cut it out.

Very good food for thought, especially at this hour in the morning (night?).

qwertyportne
April 22nd, 2014, 06:36 PM
You've got the skeleton of a story but not as much muscle and skin as I would like to see. Yes, it's "flash" fiction but this left me wanting more. I'm just getting started with flash fiction so my take could be off the mark. The first hurdle for me has been worrying that even if I create a story that's pretty much complete in itself, some readers just want to walk more than a few yards with a character, like maybe a mile or two. What do you think?

Olly Buckle
April 23rd, 2014, 01:04 PM
To me that is the point of 'flash', it is a stimulant, and appetiser rather than a meal, but something that takes you onward.