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Warmaster Horus
April 13th, 2014, 01:05 AM
Here's a story I wrote kinda quickly for my blog. Feel free to read it and share your thoughts.

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It was a long and tiring night. You know those kinds of nights where you try to sleep but you just can't? Kinda what happened to me. So there I was, trying to sleep, physically spent from attempting strenuous physical activities known as exercise, when I hear a snarling under my bed. Kind of like a dog, but not a dog. “Hello? Are there monsters under my bed?” I asked while whispering.
“Sorry, didn't hear you what did you say?” a voice from underneath replied.
I gave an exasperated sigh. “I said 'Are there monsters under my bed?'”
“Nope,” the voice replied. His voice was gruff, like a biker or an action movie star or sandpaper.
“Then what exactly are you?”
“Did you call me a 'what'?” the voice sounded kind of angry.
“Well, what am I supposed to call you?” I asked.
“Well, my friends call me Kenny.”
Now, the thought of running outside or panicking did not even attempt to enter my mind.
“Friends?”
“Yes, you stupid dunce, monsters have friends, too.”
“But you said there were no monsters under my bed.”
“Yeah, there's only one monster. Monster.”
“Oh, I see.” I replied rather calmly. I did not want to appear frightened. That would make me feel like a liar.
“Hey, kiddo, what's your name?”
“I'd rather not. My mom told me not to talk to strangers, and monsters definitely count as strangers.”
“Well, can I call you Rick?”
“Yeah, sure.” My name is Gabby, but was I supposed to tell him that? He could steal my identity, or worse, sell my name to spammer companies. No thank you.
“I'll tell you what. You seem like a nice guy. I won't eat you. I'm on a no-kid diet.”
“Actually, I'm a teenager. I'm just kinda short for my height.”
“Okay. But don't worry; I still won't eat you. It's actually a no-human diet.”
“So how did you end up under my bed?”
“Friend said he'd pay me twenty dollars to hide under your bed for 12 hours.” the voice replied.
“My bed or any bed?” I asked.
“He said any bed. I was in the neighborhood. Was gonna stay under a nice king-sized bed, but I got lost. Used my teleportation powers to travel to the nearest bed. So here I am.”
“How will you prove you hid under a bed?”
A quick flash of light answered my question. I couldn't see him, but I was pretty sure Kenny was smiling with his plaque-ey, green, cavity riddled teeth.
“Selfie.”
“Monsters take selfies? And you can teleport?”
“Rick, there's a lot about monsters you don't understand.”
“Fair enough.”
“Say, Rick, do you write?”
“Actually I have a blog. And I'm on Twitter.”
“We should totally keep in touch.”
“Agreed.”
I could finally feel the sweet oblivion of sleep creep up on me. “Hey, Kenny, I gotta sleep.”
“Alright, won't bother you no more.”
He was quiet after that. As I faded into subconsciousness, Kenny said one more thing.
“Hey, Rick?”
“Yeah, Kenny?”
“Goodnight, man-flesh.”
“Goodnight, Kenny.”

Apple Ice
April 13th, 2014, 03:00 PM
Hello WarMaster,

No complaints from me, your use of English is a lot better in this piece and I found it funny, particularly the selfie part. It's hard enough to get me to laugh in real life, but to make me chuckle over the internet is something else. Well done.

Missingtrees
April 20th, 2014, 01:10 PM
Hi

Good idea! Amusing too. Just a couple of points - I hope these are helpful! In the first bit you've used the word physical and physically in the same sentence - can you change one of them?

I'm not sure you need the like a biker, or an action.. or sandpaper. One will probably do!

Finally, would a kid know about spammer companies, especially as he seems quite young 'my mum told me not to talk to strangers' kind of young.

I hope this helps!

:unconscious:

adam c
April 23rd, 2014, 03:07 AM
You know, after the first few lines, I wanted to have a problem with this, but no. I really like it. The selfie made me laugh, but also my only critique. The flash under the bed was perfect. I was disappointed that you verbalized it.

The formatting was a bit hard on the eyes, perhaps a bit of spacing?

Greimour
April 23rd, 2014, 07:29 AM
Agreed with adam on the formatting... but the rest I enjoyed.

Only thing:


“Actually, I'm a teenager. I'm just kinda short for my height.

Short for my age?
Your height is how tall or short you are, and that is what it is... short for a teenager would be short for his age.


Liked it. Made me smile so Humor is an apt place to post this for sure.


~Kev.

P.S.

Finally, would a kid know about spammer companies, especially as he seems quite young 'my mum told me not to talk to strangers' kind of young.

That's part of the joke I think... that's why it is funny. Could have been a two-year-old having that conversation and it would have still made me smile/laugh

And... Regarding comment on the multiple possible descriptions of voice. "Like Biker, Like Action Star.. Like Sandpaper" - I read that like a joke too. Where he was deciding on what it(monster) sounds like... after thinking of 2 that can work, he threw in a third description that was totally not even similar to the first two... was the first thing that made me smile.

Virye Lerbern
June 2nd, 2014, 02:51 AM
I agree with Greimour.

Also, I think you should write more. This seems like an interesting story.

G. L. Argain
June 10th, 2014, 11:25 PM
I'm the kind of person that requires someone to use a lot of skill and effort to make me laugh, cry, etc. I didn't laugh, but it certainly put a smile on my face, and that's good enough for me. I don't have many suggestions for your grammar or style (perhaps I'm just rusty), but I did notice this:

“Alright, won't bother you no more.”
Unless you intended it that way, "I won't bother you no more" would work better.
I hope I've been helpful!

Nippon Devil
June 15th, 2014, 08:50 PM
I don't know why, but the monster's name being Kenny was a lot funnier than it should have been. I had to stop reading for a bit.

Some of the humor was too stupid to laugh at (or I didn't want to laugh at it) but it was overall an entertaining read. I think the concept was well thought out and executed. I suggest a sequel: A Conversation With a Monster in my Closet.

Mudgeon Ramblings
June 16th, 2014, 12:31 AM
Monsters rarely speak like an English Professor-lol

boxofbizarro
June 17th, 2014, 11:58 AM
I really, really like (absolutely love?) this story. One beef. In the fourth sentence you use the present tense word "hear" in the past tense story. Other than that, it was great. I love the premise. Great job. I want to read more of your stuff.

LunarFuror
July 1st, 2014, 10:39 AM
This was a nice little treat! Wouldn't mind seeing more of this. Little conversations with Kenny at the end of a day, just little things slowly learning about the characters.

DannyMullen
July 7th, 2014, 06:26 PM
I found this very clever in parts (the singular/plural mix up of "monster") but I can't get behind pop culture references to selfies. Very played out. You know something's ability to produce a laugh is dubious when it starts popping up in car commercials.

jecht12
July 9th, 2014, 09:32 PM
I found this humorous in that it made me visualize a cartoon like an older style cartoon with more witticism. I don't know if that was what you wanted to capture but it was simple yet humorous.

The Bruce
July 15th, 2014, 04:31 AM
Hah, brilliant! Especially the selfie (laughed out loud), and promising to keep in touch. This would be great illustrated.

nerdybynature
August 14th, 2014, 05:45 PM
I really like this, if you don't mind I will be using this as a bedtime story for my niece. Some of the dialog throws the story of pace, but the subject matter makes it forgivable, it is a child having a conversation with a monster under his bead after all. Just curious but was there any inspiration drawn from a particular song made by Eminem and Rihanna.

mrmustard615
August 14th, 2014, 06:11 PM
I like the first sentences in particular. The style reminds me of some of the books I've been reading. I want to be able to write that way myself. Very nice.

Diatsu
August 23rd, 2014, 02:29 AM
Funny story, much enjoyed.

Although some parts of the story I found rather serious, moments such as a monster taking a selfie resulted in nothing but laughter on my part. Thanks for the post, thoroughly enjoyed!

O.A Mantle
November 4th, 2014, 12:20 PM
I liked this allot, it had the feel of a old storybook ryhme that parents would read to their kids before bed.

Some minor grammar issues though. "Actually, I'm a teenager. I'm just kinda short for my height." Height should have been age because height is what you are, age has average weight, height, etc. (don't mean to be a jerk about it, just saying)

The style of how this was written seems to imply that Gabby is imagining the 'Monster' under his bed as most kids do. Kenny seems aware of things Gabby is, and takes a liking to him almost immediately, most kids who had imaginary friends do that.

Not to suck up too much, but if you polish a few things, you should enter this as a short story to a magazine somewhere. It's that good.

I got some links to a few short story magazines if you want to send any of your work in?

Anyways good job, I liked this allot. :) have a good day!

Sc0pe
November 4th, 2014, 02:13 PM
Started off well and just got better from there. The only think i noticed was the short for his height part witch a good few people pointed out so i will leave it as that.

I laughed out loud on that selfie part. Overall great job and if there is a next part to this I would very much be keeping my eye open.

Seedy M.
November 4th, 2014, 02:24 PM
Short for my height! Deja vu all over again! It was a great phrase. A Yogi Berra type of thing. Change other things (not necessary), but keep that one. Very well done.

docshoog
December 12th, 2014, 09:43 PM
Enjoyed this. May all your monsters be as friendly.:alien:

EBKMSC
December 18th, 2014, 12:08 PM
The word i have for it is quirky. I agree with some of the others, i didn't want to like it at first but it grew on me, maybe introduce it a little more smoothly

kasumi
December 24th, 2014, 10:24 PM
This was cute! Nice premise, funny, man I suck at reviews. But yeah, this made me smile and chuckle a bit. Nice work!

ChrisChandler00
December 31st, 2014, 06:06 PM
fun, light read. Really enjoyed it, thanks for sharing.

Laughing Duck 137z
January 5th, 2015, 10:46 PM
The selfie, spammer and sandpaper lines got me rolling. You my friend are talented, keep it up.

mw1406
January 30th, 2015, 05:45 AM
"Yeah, there's only one monster. Monster."

Made me laugh. 👍

MHarding53
March 6th, 2015, 03:48 PM
The whole idea of a monster taking a selfie to prove to his monster friends he was ACTUALLY under a bed is priceless. Nice use of modern Tech in a tried and true 'Monster Under the Bed' scenario is great.

joecabello
March 26th, 2015, 09:05 PM
Really love the concept, especially when you get into the unusual fear of him stealing your identity.

I think you can have more tension at the beginning, since it is a monster after all, but then the tension can break pretty quickly when its revealed that the monster is just kind of a normal guy. Initially I felt like the monster and the teen knew each other before hand because of the familiarity on both sides, though that might just be me.

EagerYoungSpaceCadet
March 30th, 2015, 01:34 PM
Ha. This was fantastic. Splashes of comedy, nostalgia, surrealism... All of it. Great little piece here.