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Warmaster Horus
April 10th, 2014, 08:07 AM
Feel free to read and critique. I apologize if it is too short. Everything seems longer when you write it on paper.

Jerry woke up in a cold, frigid place. He couldn’t move. He was glued in place. “Hey! You’re awake!” the guy beside him shouted.
“Who are you?” Jerry asked, while looking around his white prison.
“It’s me, Gary! We were shipped here together!” the guy named Gary replied.
“You sure I’m the right guy?” Jerry asked.
“Man! You’re lucky you didn’t die on the bumpy ride here! You hit your head!” Gary told him.
“What am I doing here?” Jerry asked.
“This is always our fate! It’s predestined!” Gary angrily shouted.
“What are you talking about?” Jerry asked, still unhappy.
Suddenly, the ground began to shake.
“Hold on tight!” Gary commanded Jerry.
All of a sudden, there was a shift in scenery. Now, there were many colors. Brown, green, black. Then everyone began to scream.
“Not me! Not me!”
A giant hand picked up a person, and more screaming followed.
“Such a shame,” Gary mumbled wistfully. “Mark was a good guy.”
Jerry panicked. As the hand smashed Mark on the edge of a great black pit, his life seeping out of a wound on his head, there was demonic chanting.
“Sunny side up!”

TheGreatKhan
April 12th, 2014, 10:34 AM
Interesting concept, however your piece could use a bit more variety and structuring. I am talking specifically about vocabulary here, as many of the words you have used are simplistic in nature. With regards to structure, I take this as an example:

As the hand smashed Mark on the edge of a great black pit, his life seeping out of a wound on his head, there was demonic chanting.

The last part (after the comma), seems a bit abrupt for an otherwise descriptive sentence.
Other than that, I thought the narrative was well written!

Bard_Daniel
April 12th, 2014, 12:50 PM
I read this a third time, so I really feel I should post on it.

I don't really understand what you were aiming for here. Was it meant to be humorous at the end? I get the egg reference and his head being broken (the contents splattering like an egg sunny-side up, right? But...)

What are they being....eaten by? Demonic chanting? Why?

No comprendre, senor.

Maybe if you expanded the idea it would become clearer?...

Apple Ice
April 12th, 2014, 01:40 PM
Hello,

I would advise changing the opening sentence, particularly the word "place" as you use it twice in quick succession and the second is used better.

You use unnecessary sentences after dialogue such as "the guy named Gary replied." It's clear it's a back and forth conversation between the two and we know which one is saying what without the clarifications.

The ending is very abrupt and is not very clear as to what is happening. I understand now it's a box of eggs. It would be a good humorous piece with a bit of brushing up. I'm aware English isn't your first language, so I understand it may be a bit difficult.

I've read some of your blog and you're clearly a competent and good writer, you just perhaps missed the mark a bit with this one. Keep writing, practice makes perfect.

Warmaster Horus
April 12th, 2014, 02:08 PM
Interesting to see your thoughts on this piece. Actually an old piece I wrote and was wondering to see how people would react. I respect the criticism, it helps us improve. Thank you people.

Bard_Daniel
April 12th, 2014, 02:31 PM
Hello,

I would advise changing the opening sentence, particularly the word "place" as you use it twice in quick succession and the second is used better.

You use unnecessary sentences after dialogue such as "the guy named Gary replied." It's clear it's a back and forth conversation between the two and we know which one is saying what without the clarifications.

The ending is very abrupt and is not very clear as to what is happening. I understand now it's a box of eggs. It would be a good humorous piece with a bit of brushing up. I'm aware English isn't your first language, so I understand it may be a bit difficult.

I've read some of your blog and you're clearly a competent and good writer, you just perhaps missed the mark a bit with this one. Keep writing, practice makes perfect.

Oh jeez. It's a bunch of eggs? Oh. Now I get it.

W.Goepner
April 14th, 2014, 02:53 AM
I GET IT!!!

They are a dozen eggs in a white Styrofoam carton, (ever tried to turn an egg in one without lifting slightly?) Their in the refrigerator.

The change of scenery is them being placed on the counter and the cover opened.

The black pit is a fry-pan or cast-iron skillet.

Demonic chanting "Sunny Side Up". A request of an order or the serving of the egg.

Am I right? Hm? Hm? Am I?

Bill

W.Goepner
April 14th, 2014, 02:56 AM
Oh jeez. It's a bunch of eggs? Oh. Now I get it.

Damn you beet me to it.

NerdyMJ
April 14th, 2014, 03:19 AM
Wow, I never would have gotten this if someone else hadn't pointed out what it was. That being said, I liked it and thought it was a great bit of dark humor.

The thing about it all being predestined confused me a bit, though. I thought was a crazy time-travel, scifi story when I read it. It made me wonder if the characters were stuck in a time loop of some sort, trying to get out.