View Full Version : Eternal Life

Warmaster Horus
April 8th, 2014, 10:39 AM
Another story. Feel free to read and share your thoughts.

Eduardo looked at the two cups. “Choose wisely,” Mambu spoke sagaciously. “One cup brings eternal youth. One kills instantly.”
Eduardo could feel his heart race. Eternal life. He had to choose wisely. He studied them both. One was gold, with wings, diamonds, and other priceless gems. The other was pure obsidian, with rubies to give it a reddish glow. Eduardo muttered a silent curse. This gamble could cost him his life. The less obvious one. He made up his mind.
“I choose the black one!” he announced.
Mambu stared at him with cold eyes.
“As you wish,” he replied.
Eduardo lifted the black cup. He raised it to his lips and drank. It tasted bitter. He gagged. Suddenly he felt his life rejuvenate. A warm feeling spread through his veins. Then he collapsed.
Mambu smiled. He liked to make it as obvious as possible.

If you liked it, feel free to check out my blog in my signature. Feedback is appreciated. Sorry for the shortness. Everything seems longer when you write it on paper.

April 8th, 2014, 10:56 AM
Hey, pretty fun little flash. I like the uncertainty, but think you might benefit from losing a wee bit of the filtering, like the very first sentence. I think you could get rid of it.

Also the last sentence: "He liked to make it as obvious as possible." I would delete it, but that's just my taste.

In the dialogue where he chooses the black cup, he's a little too giddy for me. Maybe tone that down and lose the attribution altogether, and since this is so short, I'd say you could do all of the dialogue with no speech tags and it would clean up considerably.

Hope this helps - nice work.

April 9th, 2014, 08:26 PM
Kind of cool, I liked it.

April 21st, 2014, 09:12 PM
Only one thing - the word "sagaciously" seems a bit too extravagant. It's a big word where a small one would do just as well. Sometimes, less is more.
You might try making the character speak "sagely" instead...?

And I agree with Pluralized about the last sentence. You could delete it and make the sentence before it more descriptive: how did Mambu smile? Was he smirking, satisfied? Did he do anything with his body language while he smiled? You can portray the malice of your character in infinite ways, without that last sentence.

I like it - good luck!