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W.Goepner
April 5th, 2014, 05:24 AM
I think i told too much in this start. That might be why I am having a difficult time continuing. I hope it is not too messed up.



Preface


Hi, I would like to tell you a little about the reason behind this story. First I have a question. Have you ever had the dream you were flying? I have and still do. I usually have to move my arms like I was doing the breaststroke. On the rare occasions I would actually fly without that, I would run into barriers, like power lines. I would point this out to others and they would say. “Not me I just fly around like superman.” I told my brother once and he said. “I thought everyone could fly in their dreams.” So I twisted it around and thus the title.

Oh yes most any one can fly in their dreams, but if it could be otherwise, what would be the other benefactors of that ability? Well that is what I attempt to cover in this story. I use some terms like “the haves” and “the have-nots.” As the words suggest they deal with those who have power and those who do not. Not the power to fly and things of that sort but political power and wealth. Those who think that because they have it, they can call all the shots. Well in this instance they are wrong.

The compounds in this instance are more where the renegades have taken refuge, rather than the places where undesirables are kept. All though there are some of those also, but they are more of a reformatory type of thing. Where those who have, do what they think they can get away with to control those who have-not.

Well I hope this entices you to read the story and if you do, enjoy.

A day like yesterday





May 19 2023 7:38 AM:
“I felt IT! A change around me, it was like a charge of electricity, I felt the hairs raise on my body. I had to concentrate hard to achieve it though."

May 19 2023 9:44 AM:
"I just got back from the store. That checker must have thought I was high or something, the way she looked at me when I bought five one pound bars of bakers’ chocolate and ten avocados. Man do I crave them. I will try again tomorrow after a good nights sleep”

May 21 2023 7:40 AM:
“I can’t believe it I slept forty-eight hours! I had to go to the store again this morning, all the chocolate I bought was gone and the avocados too. I must have eaten them in a sleep stupor because I do not remember eating them. I stocked up triply and I have eaten eight eggs, a pound of sausage, and two good size potatoes. So I guess I am ready to try it again. Wish me luck.”

May 21 2023 4:45 PM:
“I think I might not be trying it again for a while. Though I am excited that I accomplished something, The Doctor said the brace will not be coming off my neck for three months. I told the doctor I misjudged a curb with my mountain-bike. Thank god for anti-inflammatory medication, I think I may just sleep, for the next three months.”

May 26 2023 10:53 AM:
“I figured if I could just learn control, I might just get it down with out hurting my self further. I was right! But the control is in the depth of how hard I concentrate. The effort of mind is first in the belief, the hardest part was in believing. I just believed I could and thought of doing it, I found myself half way between my bed and the ceiling. I was levitating. Two feet off my bed, then wham, if you could call hitting the bed from two feet up a wham, I was back on it. But now I can't repeat it. I have been trying for the past five hours, and I am starved.”

May 28 2023 6:15 PM:
“I need to remember to try less. I slept forty-eight hours again and spent the most of today nursing a headache. You know at one time in my life that I thought baker’s chocolate was bitter. Also did you know that shellfish has the same types of cholesterol as avocados? Also the carbohydrates in chocolate differ from those of sugar, as sugar is similar to pasta and rice."

June 29 2023 11:15 PM:
"I had to install a safety strap on my bed. I found that as I dream of it, now I live it. At least it’s only in my room, I don't dare to sleep with the window open. I need to get more control.”

June 30 2023 7:54 AM:
“Well the strap works sort of, I stayed in the bed, it's just the bed is light enough that I took it with me right into the wall. I am glad I own this place, my bed is now screwed to the floor.”

July 15 2023 2:53 PM:
“I am learning to control it more and more. I have also learned to not think about it as I ride my bike. I had to buy new rims and tires after a hard landing from about twenty feet, I don't think any one saw me, I hope. The trick is to not imagine my self floating in air or flying while doing other things. I am now getting the hang of movement. At first I could only move in twitches, then I had to repair holes in my walls where I crashed into them.”

September 18 2023 8:33 AM:
“Well now, did you know we could control our dreams? At least I can I found out the mind when we dream is semi awake so we can control it. That is also why we tend to remember our dreams sometimes.”

September 27 2023 9:48 AM:
“I no longer need the safety strap. I have taught my self to control my thoughts and dreams well enough to leave the strap off. I can think of flying with out it happening. I can imagine my-self flying from one point to another without leaving the ground. Now tomorrow if all goes well I will be free to do as I wish and go any were in the world I want. First trip, New York!”

Headlines of the New York Times: October 1 2023
“Man Dies Attempting to Surf a Streetcar”
"The New York City Fire department removed a man's remains from the top of a street car, yesterday afternoon." Fire Chief McRennalds told reporter Jane Godkin. "How he came to be up there is a mystery, no one seen him climb or even board the streetcar. Some observers said he looked like he was surfing it before loosing his balance and falling into the wires." When the reporter asked one of the observers, they suggested the man had landed on top of the streetcar and fell into the wires. The Police say the body was burned bad enough that his identity may never be known.”



In the future




As long as man can remember we have been trying to unlock the abilities of the human mind. Trying to map the possibilities of its potential, telekinesis and telepathic abilities amongst them. Scientists through out the centuries have been trying to dredge the abilities out of the minds through study groups, voluntarily or not. These groups are suspected of having origins dating back to the Romans. It is widely known that during the second world war study groups were formed out of the people from the prison camps, and conducted under the SS. Fortunately, or not, all records of these studies have been lost through out time and no proof, just hear say of these tests survive. No one admits to being able to perform these feats of mind power. There are only those whom try to fake it.

The future holds a lot of intrigue and fascination for us all. Science is still been working on a way to unlock the minds potential. Labs have been performing test with genetics and psychotropics, with little results and those have been mostly bad. Regular people becoming vegetables, or worse having massive brain aneurisms. Any positive results are kept in strictest of confidence.

When the League of Nations was formed in the year 2101. All experiments were forcibly canceled and the persons that partook in them were left off to their own. Or put in permanent care facilities, never to be thought of again.

In 2105 the U.N. was disband due to it’s being ruled by the Petroleum industry and the wealthy of the world. Petroleum has been turned into a viable resource that no longer pollutes as it once did. The League of Nations changed a lot of things that everyone thought was normal. It was proven by the League that, oil reproduces it self from the decaying of organic material, yes human included. The League also proved that the oil companies were purposefully gouging the people. The cost at the pumps was strictly for the purpose of profit and the oil companies were also disbanded. The League of Nations controls the oil and the common wealth.

With that anyone can afford to use vehicles. With fuel cost down all other necessities to include the autopilot flying vehicles are available to the people. The wages reflect the cost of merchandise and living space. Most of the roads have been removed to accommodate the living spaces though the lower classes still need to use them. For those whom use the flying cars, electronic navigation is now used so the person no longer gets lost.

The water situation has been reformed. The League of Nations had a hand in that also. All waists are recycled, heat and catalysts remove all bacteria and other contaminates. The solid waists are then processed out to farms and aquiculture facilities. The minerals that remain are fantastic soil enhancers.

Also once they figured out how to track a comet’s coarse, they found that comets held no other significance in the universe other than a moving object. Comets are mined for their frozen water. It has been discovered that a comet could regain its mass as it passed through the universe. Collecting moisture from the inert gas clouds and solar systems.

Though all looked fine, society still had its Haves and Haves-not. Of coarse every one knew who were better off and who worked for who’s benefit. Progress has not been kind to the lower classes. People now have been forced to 20 years of schooling and selective breeding is a must. If you do not show potential as a great mind or some sort of contributor to the greater wealth, you were encouraged not to breed.

Either out of necessity or just evolution a new revelation came in to being. It was brought to light in the high-rise city of Los Angeles when a worker lost hope of ever getting free of his debt. He jumped from the construction level of a new high rise. The on lookers were terrified at the sight of his 500-story fall.

It was a certain death, but when he should have hit the ground, his direction changed and he flew up a ways then landed in a nearby water park. The authorities picked him up and took him to the hospital. A psychological evaluation showed he jumped due to the stress. He was questioned by the doctors for months and tested for psychic abilities and put through many test. He was never able to repeat the act.

“It’s been some 25 years since his fateful flight, he is still held in that asylum for nothing. They can’t find a thing wrong and he is going down hill now. I know! I am his orderly. I take him from test to test and evaluation to evaluation. He no longer has any will to go on. His family does not come any more….”

The orderly’s statement of evaluation was one of the first meetings of the Team. Since then the psychic abilities have been showing up more and more. Or people have been acknowledging them.

Of coarse this put the Haves in the collection mode. The Haves started up learning centers for the gifted and are focusing on the stronger traits of those who show ability. Training them to a single focus, then putting them to work. They put them in mining facilities, and factories. What better way to extract minerals and metals, or to manipulate components. The Haves now have more fore the same cost and less effort.

The Team as they called them selves, started coming together in basements to hide from the collectors. Working as a collective to guard from the probing of the collectors minds. Teaching each other how to build up their weaknesses and be fully strong. Who are they? They are a group of Haves-not. People who the Haves want for their own greed, to strengthen their profit margins.

The team had now amassed over twenty groups throughout the city, small five and six person groups trying to stay one step ahead of the collectors. They also travel about the lower living levels looking for those that the facilities missed. They offer them food lodging and training. All in plane sight. For the first thing that they work on is how to not be discovered and how to block the probe of the collectors.

They have set up areas of recruitment. Worried Parents bring their young ones to them in hopes that they wont become the slaves of the Haves.



* * * * *



When a person is empathic they can send as well as receive. So the dreams of others can be viewed while awake or asleep. Some times an empath cannot tell the difference between another person’s dreams and there own. There are times, that when someone is going through a rather fearful experience, and they are a strong empath that everyone can hear, see, and feel what they are going through.


* * * * *


The light was intense, that much was obvious when the nightmare started. The nightmare was just beginning as the light faded away to be replaced by a green mask hiding a face. From what little there was to go on, it was a surgical room, the feel of the cold metal table felt very real despite the fact the viewer was at home, awoke from a sound sleep and away from any immediate danger.

“Begin the procedure, I want all data streams ready to go the moment the first cut is made.” The man behind the mask said as the viewpoint changed. Whoever it was, this image was coming from, was manipulated by the mechanics of the table. What was seen next brought on the fear and curiosity of the unfortunate person knew immediately it was not good. As some sort of small, metallic device with long thin wires and a one-inch screw was put on a tray at their peripheral.

“Subjects number and identification to be used from here on, until subject is pronounced dead or is unable to function further, is DOE0335. Beginning the operation.” He spoke as if a recording were being made of the procedure. The doctor came into view again, blocking the person's view of the device as he or she felt a small pinch in the shoulder before the world become a somewhat blurred version if itself. The subject was still conscious, but only so. The table to which they are bound was of a sandwich affair. It held them in a cocoon. No wires trailed from their body they were built into the table. That way they could monitor the body and the brain wave activity. Slowly, all fear and anxiety washed away as the sedative took further hold, and the person wondered why they had been so afraid to begin with. The subject was turned over on to their stomach.

“Razor.” The doctor’s voice droned. The subject felt through numbed tissue the pressure of the razor at the back of their neck. Despite the sedative fear returned as they realized truly what was going on. “Scalpel.” The fear grew worse. The pressure was felt again, with a slight noise as the scull was touched. “Spreaders.” Another pressure as the tissue was spread apart. “Move the monitor so I can see it. Start the scanner. Ah good I see the hypothalamus there. Drill.” Then it dawned on them, that thing is going in to their head. The noise of the drill could be heard the vibration of droning through their skull as two holes were drilled. “Manipulator. One through this hole and then just beside the hypothalamus and the brain stem and this one the other side and between never shall they meet. Now the screw and electric driver.” Again the vibration noise, that rang through the scull, and the sound of the electric driver running.

Total panic was all that was felt and only one thought. “I got to get out of here HELP!” The blankness was total an emptiness so severe one wanted to hide deep inside from it. To the onlookers that felt and saw the images it was near devastating.




* * * * *


In a conference room, a few days later:

“So Doctor do we have a slave or not?”

“At this time I will say No”

“Why is that Doctor?”

“Why? WHY? Because the subject must be awake to perform the procedure. The brain needs to be awake and active to see if we are connecting to the appropriate area. And we have no way of knowing the abilities of the subject before we proceed. And! subject DOE0335 vanished off the table. We have no Idea where they went.”

“So you relaxed your guard on the subject. Let them come out of the sedative too soon.”

“No. The sedative has to be mild to see if the brainwaves change when… when the manipulator gets activated. In the past we discovered if the device is active it scrambles the brain during insertion. I had not activated it yet and the subject is out there with a one inch cut at the base of their skull because I did not get to suture it closed. Just look at the tape I fallowed procedure.”



* * * * *



Traveling is hard when you do not want to be seen. Even with the five of them, keeping up the camouflage cloak was taxing. They were the last to arrive having to travel the farthest. No mechanical transportation could be used. The radar signature could not be masked. The scanners at standard transportation terminals have all been upgraded to spot the gifted, even those who have done so well to hide from the probes are not sure if they can get passed the scanners. So with one of them having not quite mastered flight yet, meant a tight group of three was needed to help the one, while the fifth navigated.

No mental communication could be used for more than 3 to 5 feet so as not to alert others especially the Haves and the probes. Compound 20 was in south LA near River Side. Sense only one of the five was a strong in teleportation, and it would be too big of a strain on that one, they flew under cloak. Cloak was a simple ability that was always taught at the early stages of training as was blocking the probes.

The gym could be seen ahead, an old Quonset hut with rusted basketball hoops and net-less tennis courts. To some one with out psychic abilities that would be all they could see. Then if the psychic were not knowledgeable of the true identity of the place they would still see the same. These five however saw it fixed up and people milling about playing on the courts and practicing things they needed to learn.

“This...is it?” One of the five asked, a man whom looked as if he belonged in one of them old wrestling commercials, wearing bright colored clothes made entirely of nano fibers. The man himself was big and muscular, obviously a fitness nut despite his psychic powers. Once the group landed they were under the compound’s cloak, this particular compound was the first one to be set up. All activity stopped when they landed. “Now you see? You can fly. I think I wasn’t even helping you in the end.” “No I took over holding him stable when I felt you slacken your hold.” Said the burly man.

“Bout time you showed up.” was a comment from one of the onlookers, as everyone headed into the Quonset hut. Food was set out on a table to the left of the door. Judging from the state of the trash cans and the disposable cups around the chairs and on the smaller tables set about the room the others had eaten and were just waiting on them.
The areas where the groups have hidden them selves from the probes have become districts of control to the team. Each area is a subsection of the main team these areas are designated by their individual team numbers one through twenty.

When there is a significant reason to call the teams together they usually go to the first team’s compound.

"Now that we are all together. I think we all got the same picture. We have got to find this one and figure out if they have been corrupted or not." first Team was speaking as the lead group.

"Yes fourth team "

"How do we know if they got them still or not? What’s to say the one did not just teleport to a spot in a rock or some thing?"

“Well, for one, I think someone would of noticed by now from the smell. I saw someone teleport into a wall before and the smell alone was enough to say they were dead the moment they got in.” The big guy said crossing his arms as he looked out at the exercise area. “Besides, that kind of thing isn't easy to miss.”

"All right but if they went half way around the world? " Fourth replied

"And if they went to the moon." First team was really sarcastic with this. "Look all I am saying my second has got small bits of fear that she can't explain away easily."

“You mean she's a paranoid nut, not that I can blame her in this day and age.” Said the big guy, walking a little ways away toward the basketball courts before turning around to face them once again. “Still, that's why we're out here right, to put a stop to all this madness?”

"Yes. But I know I am not the one to run this whole show and we as a council have done well but we need leadership and we need it NOW!"

A clamber rose from the people as some one shouted, "Sit down fourth and let’s get this meeting done."

"Right Look we have gone through too much to start back stepping now. And my second has not been wrong yet. Most of you are here because she found You." First said this with a pointed hand at fourth.

“Yeah, yeah, you don't have to remind me.” He said, uncrossing his arms as he walked to the chairs and sat on one. “Still, what do we do to find a leader? I don't see anyone around that's good enough for the job.”

"That why we keep looking. Besides this one hit a lot of people with this show and it takes someone more powerful than us to do that. And yes fourth I understand it too can be a trap. But the guy we got inside says otherwise."

“Trap or not, I don't like it either way.” Said fourth as he stood and began to pace, shaking his head a little. “Someone that just happens to disappear off of an operating table the moment some messed up brainjacker is put into their thick skull rubs me the wrong way, true or not.”

"Alright then what would you be like in that spot. Do you have any idea? We need this one IF we can find them."

“That's a mighty big if, regardless if they are alive or not, and who knows if they are even in their right mind now? Still, I see your point, as much as I hate to admit it.”

"Well good. Now do we have an agreement or is there more debate?"

A cold looking woman stepped forward, dressed in bleak somber colors unlike the big guy, getting the attention of the others before adding her two cents. “We don't even know what this person looks like, no history to go on, nothing, and yet you are all willing to throw all that we have made to the Four Winds on a whim? I will not jeopardize all that we have accomplished on a wild goose chase that might end with us being captured or worse!”

“Easy sister, I for one don't plan on throwing my live away like you seem to believe.” Fourth snidely remarked.

“And how many times have I told you to stop calling me that?” Seventh was getting rather irritated with fourths attitude.

“Well if you didn't act like such a stiff all the time I wouldn't!”

“STIFF!” She lashed out then, but no physical attack was seen as fourth was pushed back hard, hard enough to where he slid back on his feet more than a dozen feet.

“You know For a Have Not, you are one stuck up bitch sometimes.” His arms had crossed in front of his face in a defensive stance against her telekinesis push as he glared at her.

"None of that! It is not necessary to go out and let them catch us. The two of you can just push us out in to the open. Even I felt that seven. Oh and fourth a female dog is not apart of our society." First said with a sour note.

“Alright, alright, I'm sorry sir.” Fourth looked from first to seventh “Seventh…?” she ignored him.

"And seventh being a sister is what we want. Maybe not as fourth made it sound, but we need to be as strong as a family. For as you can guess the Haves are organizing the psychics they control. We need to be stronger than them. They are concentrating on special abilities. We are reforming all of ours. As I believe with the ability to do all well, comes the ability to use one with the utmost proficiency. And that can make us stronger."

The newest of the fourth team stood to be recognized. “I have just one Question sir.”

“Yes, five from fourth?”

“Why do we use number designations instead of names?”

“Any one care to answer that question?” First put out to the assembled.

Tenth stood and spoke clear and loud but not to the ear. Tenth was mute. “I can answer that easily. You see before you a group of discontents. Known to the haves as rabble. We do not wish to be discovered so by not saying our names except when in small groups away from the major body or base. I am sure that your group leader explained this to you when they took you in?”

“He did but not as you so eloquently put it he just said that we use numbers to avoid being found out by a possible infiltrator.”

“That is correct also five of fourth. We cannot let their spies find out who we are any more than we would want our spies discovered by them. We have members in strategic locations throughout their ranks. They pass us information from time to time as to a where and when. But this one, all of us saw into the mind of, was kept in the quiet. Can you tell me why we must keep a tight regime on our abilities.”

“I would say because we don’t want to be caught up by the collectors.”

“That’s right! That is why we had to come here under cloak. At least you have one strong ability.” Fourth retorted.

“All right that is enough. Five of forth seeing this is your first visit here we need to have you tested for ability please go with my second she will give you an evaluation.” First motioned them to go. He waited for them to leave before he began again. “Forth the next time you bring a newb here give warning. He has abilities he is hiding and I do not like anyone hiding any thing from us, we trust and believe in our purpose.”

“Hey I am the empath in my team I detected nothing out of sorts…” He trailed off as first’s second approached. They held a quiet conference before she returned to her duty.

“In a moment we will demonstrate why we use more then just our own powers to evaluate a new recruit.” First’s second returned with fifth of fourth. Though he was walking on his own he looked drained, almost zombie like. Placed between first and his second, Fifth from forth looked like a marionette hanging with invisible strings. The second placed her hand on the forehead of fifth from fourth. He became alert but unable to move.

jacyee34
April 5th, 2014, 11:38 PM
Hello, W.Goepner. I only read the prologue and the "Anyone Can Fly" part. I have to say, I agree with you that you tell too much in the beginning of your story. Honestly, these two sections don't read like the start of a story at all. The prologue reads like an author's note, or a preface, which is not the same thing as a prologue. While "Anyone Can Fly" sounds like the beginning of an essay, not like a piece of fiction.

I think your main problem is the lack of a character/s, and also that you have decided not to start the story with a scene. This make for a very informative, generalized, and abstract sort of opening...which makes it read like an essay.

Maybe you should consider re-writing your first couple of sections, and start with scenes?

W.Goepner
April 6th, 2014, 01:32 AM
Hello, W.Goepner. I only read the prologue and the "Anyone Can Fly" part. I have to say, I agree with you that you tell too much in the beginning of your story. Honestly, these two sections don't read like the start of a story at all. The prologue reads like an author's note, or a preface, which is not the same thing as a prologue. While "Anyone Can Fly" sounds like the beginning of an essay, not like a piece of fiction.

I think your main problem is the lack of a character/s, and also that you have decided not to start the story with a scene. This make for a very informative, generalized, and abstract sort of opening...which makes it read like an essay.

Maybe you should consider re-writing your first couple of sections, and start with scenes?

Thank you jacyee,

I can go along with that. The story does not actually start until The next heading "A Day Like Yesterday." And like a avalanche builds from there. I used these first two sections, to get myself rolling but then they are not necessary either. Though the Anyone Can Fly Part is the start I can eliminate it Also. I did intend to have it start that way, as an essay affair, I guess it is not a good way to start.

My whole intention of these, were to show a graft of events that lead to the future and the abilities people start to gain. Like the blogger and their attempts of gaining a dreamed ability. Only to have it end in New York. With them showing off trying to land on a electric powered streetcar, thus the look of surfing.

From there is more description of future events leading deeper into the story, and to where it picks up with caricatures. Kind of like reading a file of research being presented to a person in charge. A list of events every one in the story would know except the reader.

I have an idea.

jacyee34
April 6th, 2014, 02:13 PM
Hey, W.Goepner. I've read the rest of your story, and I'm starting to see the effect you were going for. However, even in the later sections, after the story has started properly, there is still a lot of telling. The only section that doesn't have a lot of this telling/backstory is "A Day Like Yesterday." Not surprisingly, it is also the most engaging section.

Is there some way you can weave much of this backstory into engaging scenes? Take the beginning of "Into the Future," a massive chunk of backstory/exposition. Perhaps you could have had a scene where you took the reader on top of the building with the desperate man--put us in his head, show us his despair and hint at what drove him to suicide. Or, you could have expanded the conversation between the orderly and the 'Team', hinting at your world's greater problems in their dialog. Or showed us a 'Team' meeting. Remember, the reader doesn't need to know everything you know. Give them hints of backstory, show them pieces of your world: setting, characters (with names), action. They'll make the connections.

As it is right now, your world/concept sounds interesting. But, the story is not very reader friendly.

stormageddon
April 6th, 2014, 05:01 PM
As jaycee said, the prologue reads like a preface. Nothing wrong with keeping it in if it was referred to as such, though. I liked the "Anyone can fly" bit, but felt it would work better made a little more interesting and adapted to become the starting paragraph of a full chapter.

I liked the blogging part as well, but I feel it would have been more convincing if rather than saying "two days later", "the next day" etc, you used actual dates and times. More realistic, and I don't think the introductory line "A post on a persons Blog page:" was necessary- it's quickly obvious that it's a blog and this just detracts from the intrigue, particularly as it's so vague. And you tend to use short sentences in the blog that could be easily combined, often with just a comma. This disrupts the flow, and gives a disjointed feel.

For example: "I figured if I could just learn control. I might just get it down with out hurting my self further."
In the same paragraph: "The hardest part was in believing. So I just believed I could and thought of doing it. When I found myself half way between my bed and the ceiling. I was levitating." some of this needs combining, some removing- it isn't very well phrased, and so I found it quite confusing.

And this could be phrased better, especially given its importance: "“Man Dies While Surfing a Street Car.” A man's remains were removed from the top of a street car were observers say he looked like he was surfing it and fell into the wires that power it. Police say his identity may never be known.”"

A few misused words, for example: "I felt the hairs raze on my body." raze should be raise.

Beyond this I've only skimmed, and it seems the disjointed, short sentences are an issue farther on as well. I really like the idea, I like the structure and can see a lot of potential in it, but the writing is just off enough that it's not quite coming through. However, with a thorough edit, I'm sure this is something I'd thoroughly enjoy :)

W.Goepner
April 7th, 2014, 01:19 AM
Hey, W.Goepner. I've read the rest of your story, and I'm starting to see the effect you were going for. However, even in the later sections, after the story has started properly, there is still a lot of telling. The only section that doesn't have a lot of this telling/backstory is "A Day Like Yesterday." Not surprisingly, it is also the most engaging section.

AWESOME! jacyee, Thank you I am glad it had the desired feel.


Is there some way you can weave much of this backstory into engaging scenes? Take the beginning of "Into the Future," a massive chunk of backstory/exposition. Perhaps you could have had a scene where you took the reader on top of the building with the desperate man--put us in his head, show us his despair and hint at what drove him to suicide. Or, you could have expanded the conversation between the orderly and the 'Team', hinting at your world's greater problems in their dialog. Or showed us a 'Team' meeting. Remember, the reader doesn't need to know everything you know. Give them hints of backstory, show them pieces of your world: setting, characters (with names), action. They'll make the connections.

I had tried to rework it in here then discovered, or realized that is not the best way to attempt it. Then what you are saying. Is pull most of the back history out as my notes then use snipps to entice and bring to speed.


As it is right now, your world/concept sounds interesting. But, the story is not very reader friendly.

I have not tried to expand on it yet. As I said it ran into a wall for me and I... well, I have neglected it. At best I have taken the time to correct what few mistakes MS Word has found before I posted it. I know it is not fair to those of you whom read these and see this type of excuse. I do apologize for that. It is in your comments I have worked on a new angle and I am attempting to go further with it.

I am at a bit of a loss on giving background in bites with this one, but will attempt it.

Thank you very much for the advice

Bill

W.Goepner
April 7th, 2014, 04:56 AM
Stomageddon,

I have reworked some of the Preface, and added time lines as you suggested. I am attempting to give it a bit more structure. I am unsure of where to proceed at this moment, But I am working on it.


Thank you for the input, I hope it sit a bit better now.

Bill