View Full Version : Missing Year- Prologue and Chapter 1

March 28th, 2014, 10:41 PM
So, I edited it, and made the parts I changed red, partly for your benefit, and partly for mine :P

Missing Year
I opened my eyes and looked around. The tile floor, a bag of clear liquid attached to a small tube. My eyes followed the tube to its destination, and I realized it was attached to my arm. I reached for it and attempted to pull it out. It was firmly taped to me, and I didn’t have the energy to try to remove it. I sat up and looked around further. The room was small, but clean. I tried to stand, but sank back onto the bed. I touched my head lightly. Uh…. my head…. Determined to find out where I was, I stood up and gripped onto the counter near me. My head… I couldn’t even see straight!
I turned and looked for the voice. I had no idea who Bailey was, but I wanted to know who was around me.
A woman with dark hair and blue eyes approached me. She wore blue scrubs with white lettering.
“Bailey, you need to get back into bed. “
“Who’s Bailey?” I asked her.
She looked at me blankly.
“Who is Bailey?” I demanded. Panic arose in me as she continued to stare at me blankly.
She ignored me, but called through the door, “I need a sedative in here!”
“What?” I turned around in a panic, desperate to know what was going on. I turned to the woman again.
“Please.” I begged. She looked at me again, without expression. What was wrong with this woman? Why didn’t she care? I heard a door open and turned around to see two people, men I think, rush into the room.
“What are you-” I got stuck in the back with a needle. I cringed. I hated needles. Suddenly, a cloud began to pull itself over my mind. I knew I was going to drift off. I looked at the men and the woman. I hated them. Who would do this to a human being? The men caught me when my legs gave out under me and they set me down on the bed. The woman grabbed a plastic mask and put it over my nose and mouth. Air pushed into the space for me to breath.
“It’s okay, sweetie. “ The nurse cooed. “You’ll wake up in a few hours. “
Yea right, lady. You’re trying to kill me. I don’t expect to wake up.
Then, blackness.

Chapter 1
“When will she wake up?”
“I want to see my baby girl! It’s a miracle that she woke up!”
“She’ll be up any moment. Just wait. “
When I opened my eyes, everything was blurry. After blinking a few more times and adjusting my eyes to the light, I could focus on the people standing in the room.
A tall, young woman with red hair clung to a tall man’s arm. He wore a suit and a fedora and he clutched the woman’s hand. The woman wore an elegant blue dress with black flats and a dazzling necklace. I was caught staring at her necklace and felt the urge to feel my own neck. I felt a chain. I picked it up and looked at it. The pendant said, “Daughter”. it was shaped like a heart, but something about it just made me feel peaceful. I looked back at the man and woman talking to the doctor. I felt a connection to them… I had no idea who they were or why I felt I knew them, but I did.
“Uhhh……” I groaned in confusion. The man and woman looked over at me and rushed over to me.
“Sweetie! You’re awake! ” The woman smiled from ear to ear. Her eyes were an icy blue, and they were tearing up. The man leaned in to see me, as well. He had taken his fedora off, and I was able to see his facial features. He had medium-light skin and short, thick, black hair. His eyes were the same color as the woman, and of course, water was gathering in them, as well.
“I… I don’t….” I started.
The man looked at the woman and said, “Can you go get the doctor so he can tell us more about Bailey?” She nodded.
“Who’s Bailey?”
They looked at each other blankly.
Before the woman had a chance to look for him,the doctor walked into the room.
“Um, who are they?” I asked. He ignored me, because he was caught up in talking with the couple.
I was still confused as ever, not that anyone seemed to care enough to tell me what was going on.
“You have amnesia. You don’t remember anything about your life before you fell asleep. “ he finally informed me.
The woman buried her face in the man’s chest and he held her close to him. He looked at me.
“If I can’t remember anything….” I looked down at my hands. I noticed a ring on my hand. It was a silver band, nothing complicated, but the words on it were what caught my eye.
“I will always love you.”
I looked at him again. “If I can’t remember anything, then who am I?”
The woman looked at me. I analyzed her tear-stained face.
“You’re our daughter. Bailey Cambree Honour. “
I stared at the people who claimed to be my parents. Since I had woken up, I hadn’t payed attention to what I looked like. But now, now I wanted to know. My father must have read my mind, because he handed me a handheld mirror.
I kind of gasped when I saw myself. I have to admit… I was pretty. I had long medium brown hair with long side bangs. My skin was a medium tone, like my fathers, and I had a few freckles (probably from my mother). I didn’t have small lips, but they weren’t large, either. I had a freckle above my upper lip. I had dark, thick, eyebrows, but they were naturally shaped well. Then I looked into my eyes. Sure, they were an icy blue, like my parents, but there was something about it that I saw in them… My eyes seemed so curious, full of life, so… so happy. I must have been happy… But now, I felt like a little girl, confused and alone, wondering how I was going to make it in this world.
“How old am I?”
“You’re sixteen years old. You go to Rose Academy of the Arts. You were a sophomore when.. when you slipped away. “
I tried to retrieve some recollection of a Rose Academy… or of myself.
“What happened to me? How did I ‘Slip away?’”
My mother looked at the ground. She began to sniffle again. My father tipped her chin so he could make eye contact with her.
“Hey. Why don’t you go and talk to the doctors about her treatment and when she can leave? I’ll tell her. “
She nodded and left the room.
I sat up and looked at him expectantly. He sat in a chair next to the bed.
“It was hard for your mom and I. You had three brothers: Ethan, Lucas, and Kyle. We were all taking a trip to Hollywood because your mom and I were shooting a movie there for a few weeks. You-”
“Wait. You and mom are actors? Like, stars?”
He nodded. “Well, technically, I’m an actor. Your mom is a model who acts in a lot of movies. “
I nodded.
“You didn’t want to go. You had plans with your best friend, Lillie to go job hunting. But we insisted that you go. It was hot, and a semi truck driver fell asleep at the wheel and he was driving on the road going the opposite way. When he swerved into our lane, I swerved off the road and the car into the water. The windows were closed and we had a hard time getting out. You got out before us, so we didn’t worry. When we surfaced, you weren’t there… and neither were your brothers…. I went back down and found that you’d been trying to get the boys out. I saw Kyle outside of the car, but trying to help Lucas and Ethan. I gestured for Kyle to go back up to the surface. You were unconscious. I got you up and surfaced. I went back down to get the boys, and I got Lucas out, but… the Ethan didn’t make it…”
“ I… I have brothers?” I whispered. He nodded, but then put his head down and covered his face. I heard his soft sobs. I got up from my bed and stood next to him. My head still throbbed, but it was a dull pain. He looked up at me, his face tear-stained.
“If only I had- “ he began, but I cut him off.
“There was nothing you could do. “I whispered. He nodded again and looked down. I wanted to know who my brothers were, what kind of people they were, and my relationship with them.
“Can I see a picture of Kyle and....”
“And Lucas and Ethan?”
I nodded.
He pulled his phone out and flipped through his photos. He turned the screen towards me.
My brothers looked exactly like my dad… with brown hair. It was a family portrait, and we all seemed so happy. My father told me that I was the middle child;Kyle was 14 Lucas was my twin; he was 16, and Ethan would be 18. I wished I remembered my brothers…. I snapped back into reality when my dad started talking to me.
“Well, your mom talked to the doctor. They’ll discharge you next week!”

March 29th, 2014, 03:37 AM
I have never, ever, ever read romance before... except for, like, five chapters of Fifty Shades of Grey. Newbie here. Hope I can give you an honest critique.

You mentioned that you have trouble painting a picture for the reader, but the first paragraph immediately drew me in with snappy descriptions and a nice hook. (Or maybe being trapped somewhere reminds me of horror and I especially like those kind of stories.) I like that you described the woman's facial features, but I would suggest to extrapolate a bit. Give us some first impression details. It's obvious she's a nurse. (I think.) :)
But Bailey didn't leave bed, so she can't get back in. Eh he heh he. I'm scared. The nurse's blank expression really got me. Personally, I hate being forced asleep consciously.

"After blinking..." I like the idea of this setting the scene, of being forced to recognize blurry people. I guess it puts the reader exactly where the main character is: clueless. I notice that you take special note of male/female characters and their relationship. And clothes. "I'm so glad..." It's a bit awkward for someone to say. You would think they wouldn't act like Bailey knows everything.

"Icy blue." I liked that choice of words. HOwever, I feel like this amnesia is getting to be redundant. I wish you could have combined the prologue, or, have had the main character cling to something else other than confusion. It's frustrating.

Hmm, I'm a sucker for pretty women. Probably something I shouldn't admit over the internet. Ah well, romance. Pish and tush. The mother is pretty, too. The father seems a bit blocky. /Very/ good description of the main character. Oh shit, they died. That's awful. And a bit cliche. They would've made great side-characters, maybe.

Okay, this really drew me in. I didn't think it would, but I genuinely felt emotion towards the father being sad primarily, then the main character being confused, and then the brothers' deaths. I think it's a bit long for the things that happen, but a lot of the description that I mentioned is spot-on. There's not too much tension, but it's cool that her parents are semi-famous[?]. I'm not sure how Bailey will be able to deal with the plot (whatever it is), but I hope you continue writing. And I hope I was some help.

March 29th, 2014, 03:23 PM
Thanks so much! I will definitely try and continue writing!

G. L. Argain
June 11th, 2014, 08:56 PM
I've never gotten into romance myself, so I don't know whether you need to show that your work is a romance in the first chapter or not.
On another note, there's several parts where the ellipses are either three dots (...) or four dots each (....). I read that in creative writing, you ought to stick with three, but if you're writing to the average reader, I don't think it matters.