PDA

View Full Version : Indicative of Self Loathing 350 words



Pidgeon84
March 25th, 2014, 05:28 AM
I'm curious as to you're guys' thoughts on this piece. It's basically just ramblings with a setting.

I awoke on a snowy beach. Lips blue, breathe thick in the air. I sat up and sighed at the loss of another dream. Another dream ending in self-destruction. They always felt so real, but never real enough. There's always a sense of a sort of two dimensionalism. But then again so did this place. I wasn't sure what was real anymore. I looked out at the water. It stopped at the horizon yet it was infinite, and it made me think if there was anything past this. Made me wonder if this too was just a figment. I heard light footsteps in the sand behind me. A girl walked by, she wasn't real. Just a mannequin, a model I created for use in my imagination. She was meant to keep me company but only made it all the more lonely. Only made me long for someone capable of question or thought... God damn its cold here. I walked over to her. No heat, no scent, no emotion. Maybe one day I would wake and she would be real. Until then I guess I would just keep walking through this ethereal wasteland. Only stopping to sleep and dream of some far off place. Maybe one day they wouldn't end in self-destruction. Maybe one day it wouldn't end. Maybe I was looking in the wrong places. Looking to the outside seemed so expansive, so infinite. If there even was an outside. But looking inside seemed so finite. So claustrophobic. And then there's this God forsaken place. Don't even know what to fucking call it. I just know it seemed like there was no fucking escape. Trying to find some sort of existential purpose here was pointless. Kind of ironic really. Never thought in my search for existentialism I would only find pure nihilism. God, if there was a God, he was truly a sadist. Up there watching me squirm in this ant farm. Maybe I am God, a lost creator with nothing better to do then to wander, create and destroy. I suppose you can't find something that's lost if you know where you are.

thepancreas11
March 25th, 2014, 07:20 AM
My guess is that you wrote this in a stream of consciousness kind of exercise, a late night foray into the philosophical netherworld of the tired human mind, whenst we do our best thinking. Lot's of nit-picky prose issues, nothing a simple edit wouldn't handle, and like I said, I can't blame you given the late hour of the post and the manner in which you wrote it. You should read the sentence I've been trying to type for the last fifteen minutes.

From the point of view of someone in an equal mindset, I think W. Dallas might be the one to put the label purple prose here (sorry, saw that reference earlier from a thread that he started). If your story were a path, there'd be a lot to it, but you really won't have gotten far from the place that you started, that is to say, you have your forays into a bunch of different thickets, but eventually, you haven't exactly said much. Only using 350 words will do that to you, unfortunately, especially when most of them don't really communicate a point to me here. I don't know whether it's just the late hour or what, Pidgeon.

Ex.
There's always a sense of a sort of two dimensionalism. But then again so did this place. I wasn't sure what was real anymore. I looked out at the water. It stopped at the horizon yet it was infinite, and it made me think if there was anything past this. Made me wonder if this too was just a figment. I heard light footsteps in the sand behind me. A girl walked by, she wasn't real. Just a mannequin, a model I created for use in my imagination.

Two dimensionalism? Like the dreams are flat? Then you say in the next sentence that the real world seems flat? Then the part of the mannequin girl? Not sure what you're getting at with this section.

Although, I do have to say, that last part about being a creator, perhaps a creator of one's own Universe sounds like the beginning to a great novella. You could easily squeeze sixty pages out of that one thought, it's got that kind of depth to it. For an exercise in creating a dream world, not too shabby, Pidgeon.

Pidgeon84
March 25th, 2014, 08:11 AM
My guess is that you wrote this in a stream of consciousness kind of exercise, a late night foray into the philosophical netherworld of the tired human mind, whenst we do our best thinking. Lot's of nit-picky prose issues, nothing a simple edit wouldn't handle, and like I said, I can't blame you given the late hour of the post and the manner in which you wrote it. You should read the sentence I've been trying to type for the last fifteen minutes.

From the point of view of someone in an equal mindset, I think W. Dallas might be the one to put the label purple prose here (sorry, saw that reference earlier from a thread that he started). If your story were a path, there'd be a lot to it, but you really won't have gotten far from the place that you started, that is to say, you have your forays into a bunch of different thickets, but eventually, you haven't exactly said much. Only using 350 words will do that to you, unfortunately, especially when most of them don't really communicate a point to me here. I don't know whether it's just the late hour or what, Pidgeon.

Ex.
There's always a sense of a sort of two dimensionalism. But then again so did this place. I wasn't sure what was real anymore. I looked out at the water. It stopped at the horizon yet it was infinite, and it made me think if there was anything past this. Made me wonder if this too was just a figment. I heard light footsteps in the sand behind me. A girl walked by, she wasn't real. Just a mannequin, a model I created for use in my imagination.

Two dimensionalism? Like the dreams are flat? Then you say in the next sentence that the real world seems flat? Then the part of the mannequin girl? Not sure what you're getting at with this section.

Although, I do have to say, that last part about being a creator, perhaps a creator of one's own Universe sounds like the beginning to a great novella. You could easily squeeze sixty pages out of that one thought, it's got that kind of depth to it. For an exercise in creating a dream world, not too shabby, Pidgeon.

Stream of consciousness is a great way to put it. I've noticed this is sort of thing I get when I just have a setting or imagery stuck in my head. Lack of structure and tangible issue. But thank you for the advice, I see what you mean with your example of the Two dimensional part. As well I see what you mean about making it more of a path, as I said these kind stories just kind of come along to clear the chute.