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Yfig
March 23rd, 2014, 02:44 PM
INT. APARTMENT HONFLEUR - DAY

Yfig installs on the small coffee table , a bowl resting on
a piece of newspaper to collect walnut’s shells and their
bursts and a basket half filled with walnuts . Grabbing the
remote, he puts the TV on mute, in background if you prefer.

Ass in the TV chair, he grabs the first walnut and using a
knife with short but strong blade , he begins to disembowel
it to remove the delicious creamy kernels. When he
positioned the tip of his knife into the walnut slot, he
hears an unknown voice saying :

1 NUTS 1
Hééééééé! Hoooooo! stop, noooooooo!
?

2 YFIG
(very surprised, shocked!)

???????????

It is you who is speaking?

3 NUTS 1
Ouch! you’re nuts! ? it hurts,
remove your knife immediately!

4 YFIG
(to himself aside but strong enough
to be heard by the TV)

I have to sleep, I am making a kind
of nightmare ....

5 NUTS 1
Ouch ! I tell you, withdraw the
blade of my ass, you hurt me by god
!

6 YFIG
(aside)
An atheist nuts! It does not put an
uppercase to ’god’!

7 NUTS 1
Withdraw the blade or I’ll ...

8 YFIG
You’ll make me what?

9 NUTS 1
I sue you for physical torture!

10 YFIG
But stop a while messing around, a
walnut is not a being, it is a
fruit, a walnut does not speak a
walnut it closes its mouth ...

And presto, with a jerk, he separe both shell portion to
reach the heart tender and tasty of walnut. )

11 NUTS 1
(it lets out a piercing cry of
pain and then shuts up)

12 YFIG
Who’s the boss! ?

After carefully separate the kernels of walnuts, he grabs a
second walnut ...

13 NUTS 2
((trembling like a leaf ...))
Noooooo pity, rip me not, I’m
young, I have a few good days to
live ... Pity!

14 YFIG
But what is this jest ?

15 NUTS 2
I saw what you did to Caroline,
please do not make me suffer the
same martyr ...

16 YFIG
You also going to sue me?

17 NUTS 2
No, I will not do anything, I will
not anger you, but spare me, rather
take another walnut, older than me
who has the right to die with
dignity ...

18 YFIG
An old stunted walnut tasting like
cardboard, that’s what you want me
to put in my salad?

19 NUTS 2
Ah! Because you make a salad?

20 YFIG
Yeah, why do you think I break
walnuts?

21 NUTS 2
But what kind of salad?

22 YFIG
A walnut salad.

23 NUTS 2
There’s only walnuts in your salad?

24 YFIG
Oh no, nuts are only some tasty
ingredients to make an endives
salade sweet and slightly bitter.

25 NUTS 2
But .... have You checked that you
had enough endives ?

26 YFIG
You think I am stupid ?

27 NUTS 2
No, not at all, but ... I was
thinking like that, it would be
beastly to peel nuts if you do not
succeed to make endive salad, as
walnuts, once opened, their little
hearts wither, shrivel, age and end
up taking a nasty taste like
cardboard.

28 YFIG
Yep! Don’t move, I cast a glance in
the fridge ...

Of course, he finds the endive package that he stored there.
He grabs it and opens it. He grabbed an endive and passes it
under cold water to wash ... when ...

29 ENDIVE 1
Ahhhhh! It’s cold!

30 YFIG
((aside ... amazed))
But ! You realize? A endive that
talks ! I’m going crazy or what???

31 ENDIVE 1
Please, stop, water’s too cold!

32 YFIG
If this is a joke, it is in very
bad taste!
(He picks a bowl in the
cupboard, a sharp knife in the
drawer and begins to cut the
endive into strips ...)

33 ENDIVE 1
(Pushes a great shrill and
desperate cry ! He grabs one
second endive and places it
under the tap to clean ...)

34 ENDIVE 2
(pleads)
Please, do not make to me what you
have done to my friend Julie, do
not cut me like a sausage , I do
not wanna die , I’m too young ...

Yfig interrupts .

35 YFIG
Do you intend to replay me the
walnut trick ?

36 ENDIVE 2
What is the " walnut trick "?

37 YFIG
Forget it!

38 ENDIVE 2
Why do you want to slice us?

39 YFIG
To make my salad, by Jove .

40 ENDIVE 2
What is it like salad?

41 YFIG
Endive salad with walnuts and
Comté.

42 ENDIVE 2
What is it ’Comté’ ?

43 YFIG
Well ... French cheese.

44 ENDIVE 2
And you have checked that you have
any?

45 YFIG
Ah ! I catch you in the act of
plagiarism , you’re making me the
walnut trick !

46 ENDIVE 2
And if you do not have a Comté ?

47 YFIG
It’s starting to piss me off !

He opens the fridge , grabs the county, and rips the
packaging .... the cheese cries

48 COMTÉ
NOOOOOO Please, do not behead me ,
I do not wanna die ...

49 YFIG
((surprised, he drops the
cheese. ))
Doggone non god ! What the fuck !
((He pinches himself ... ))
Ouch! But it’s painful, I do not
sleep , it’s crazy ... yes, that’s
it, I’m going crazy ...

He throws a quick look around him 360 ř without moving his
body ... He is in the kitchen, on the worktop the first bowl
of chicory , the second endive is lying down next to the
bowl on the other side , cheese he dropped ... and in the
lounge, on the coffee table the basket of nuts and a
container with two kernels and nuts on the table.

50 YFIG
(talking to himself)
There’s something wrong! But what?

So he sees the photophore on the mantel ... He goes to the
fireplace, install a brand new candle and catches the
matchbox. He takes a match, but being near to ignite it, the
match exclaims ...

51 MATCH
NOOOOOO, please, do not scratch me,
I do not want to burn, not already,
let me live a little ...

52 YFIG
Well, then, enough is enough!

He leave himself fall in the chair, closes his eyes and
falls asleep.

53 YFIG
(awaking)
How long have I been asleep? ...

Nothing has changed.

Nuts are ahead him and from far, he sees the endives’
package , the bowl and the Comté on the working plan of the
kitchen. He grabs the second walnut and a knife ...

54 NUTS 2
NOOOOOO pity, do not disembowels
me, I do not want to die ....

55 YFIG
((determined not to let
himself die of hunger ...))
Sorry, my dear, but it’s you or me!

Crac, he bursts it, she screams, he pulls out the beautiful
kernels and grabs the next walnut screaming ...

56 NUTS 3
NNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOO ...

Crac, crac, crac ... he guts, he dissects, he beheads, he
slices ... he hashes yelling, screaming, sobbing ...

57 YFIG
Good! Where are the shallots .....

In the cupboard one can hear shallots sobbing ...

58 SHALLOTS
no, no, mercy, pity we do not want
to die, please, do not peel us ...

59 YFIG
(Totally demotivated, he goes
to the door)
Good! I’m going to eat at the
restaurant ... there, at least,
everything is already dead in the
plate!






END