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Brock
March 20th, 2014, 09:05 AM
I lay my eyes on her emerging silhouette as the sun takes a slow dip in to the warm Pacific behind her.

The fire begins to illuminate her breathtaking beauty as she nears—the ocean rolling like diamonds off her golden skin.

Like a goddess from the most erotic of dreams, she begins to move in perfect rhythm to the beat of steel drums in the distance.

She presses her wet, sun-kissed body against mine as, gently, I lift her chin.

I gaze in to the hypnotic reflection of the fire dancing in her big hazel eyes... those hazel eyes—like a thousand tiny emeralds mixed within the brown silken sand beneath our feet.

The drums in the distance have gone quiet, leaving only the melodic sound of waves softly kissing our beach.

I feel her heart pounding against my chest, and the warmth of her breath as our lips move closer...


http://bellago.com.fqdns.net/wp-content/uploads/2011/09/Brillante-Sunset-and-Fire-at-Empire-Beach-300x168.jpg

-AT
March 20th, 2014, 01:46 PM
That was quite vivid. You said a lot without saying a lot.

"She presses her wet, sun-kissed body against mine. I gently lift her chin and see the reflection of the fire in her eyes. "

The "I" in that second sentence kind of broke the flow for me. Like, for that one sentence, it was simply a play by play of what was happening.

"like a thousand tiny emeralds strewn about the silken sand beneath our feet."

I don't really get that description...I was on board with the "thousand tiny emeralds", but the rest of the sentence doesn't really help with the description of her eyes.

Beyond that, very nicely done!

Brock
March 20th, 2014, 06:11 PM
Thanks -AT. The emeralds strewn about the sand is a metaphor that I thought about the other night before writing this... Hazel eyes -- specs of green and brown. I'm open to any suggestions. Thanks again.

-AT
March 20th, 2014, 07:10 PM
Oh.....hahahaha. I feel dumb. I get it now. Disregard what I said about that.

Brock
March 21st, 2014, 06:06 AM
Oh.....hahahaha. I feel dumb. I get it now. Disregard what I said about that.

No problem. I actually changed that line up a bit... hopefully for the better.

scaryclone
March 21st, 2014, 04:06 PM
Lots of colour imagery or seems it. Is this a stand alone?

Brock
March 21st, 2014, 05:21 PM
Edit

escorial
March 21st, 2014, 05:47 PM
really like these short pieces and how they unravel..enjoyed

Ariel
March 21st, 2014, 11:43 PM
She presses her wet, sun-kissed body against mine as I gently lift her chin.

I want to read this as "she presses her wet, sun-kissed body against mine as, gently, I lift her chin."

No idea why.

I like this. It feels dream-like and sweet. The only other thing I would add is scent. It's one of our strongest senses and you have it completely ignored here.

Brock
March 22nd, 2014, 08:09 AM
I want to read this as "she presses her wet, sun-kissed body against mine as, gently, I lift her chin."

No idea why.

I like this. It feels dream-like and sweet. The only other thing I would add is scent. It's one of our strongest senses and you have it completely ignored here.

Thanks amsawtell, I added your change. I like it too. No smell yet...

Rivahads
March 24th, 2014, 02:02 AM
Good work.

Edata
June 3rd, 2014, 08:04 PM
This reminds me of someone I saw today...she has hazel eyes :), nice piece.

count58
June 27th, 2014, 08:33 AM
That's kind of sweet. Why don't you make a picturesque of New Zealand or Australia or Europe?
Say you're traveling together and enjoying every moment ...

zenor
July 1st, 2014, 07:42 PM
Really enjoyed reading.

Brock
July 9th, 2014, 01:19 AM
That's kind of sweet. Why don't you make a picturesque of New Zealand or Australia or Europe?
Say you're traveling together and enjoying every moment ...

Great idea! I may do that. Thank you.

HersheyKiss
July 16th, 2015, 03:46 AM
I really liked it, the way the description seemed to say she was the only thing you noticed on the beach. I wish you had written more though...

JasonNewton
August 15th, 2015, 01:49 PM
Enjoyed reading this even if I cannot write romantic fiction.

dummy
August 22nd, 2015, 09:26 PM
I actually love this piece. Very well written, and perfectly discrpted. I smiled a bit after reading. Well done.

Radrook
March 3rd, 2016, 05:45 AM
Wow! Lucky dawg! Thanks for sharing!
Love description of the the scene and the photo provided.


BTW

Think you meant gazed "into".

w.riter
May 18th, 2017, 01:30 PM
I like the prosaic lyric you seem to write. It's subtle and takes readers places. All over your writing I was able to see the color blue, although I'm a bigger fan of the turquise.