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SpiderDelToroFan
March 17th, 2014, 02:50 AM
Hello!

This is my first time doing a script, I only assume that the standard format is to write it in separate parts on the thread. Because, that is...Well, what I'm going to do. Anyway, my film script is called "Farkasember", the Hungarian word for werewolf, and as you would naturally assume, it's a werewolf movie. I've even gone out of my way to actually cast the movie, partly so that you'll better envision what the characters look like and partly just for fun. Basically, Leroy Dominik (Hayden Christensen) is a screenwriter fired from his job after the film he wrote cost the studio a record amount of money. He goes on a stroll that night, trying to clear his mind (There is a good explanation for this), when he is attacked and bitten by a werewolf, and wakes up in a serene, calm, peaceful and friendly village modeled after Hungarian culture, particularly 1800s farm life, separate and remote from the modern world completely. There he meets a variety of characters including the compassionate, religious but spiritually broken Khan Horvath (Robert De Niro) and the tomboyish, solemn Jazmin Horvath (Emily Browning), who he falls deeply in love with. However, as he spends more and more time in the village, he must uncover a conspiracy involving the village and it's darker history. On top of this, he must deal with his own affliction, as he must protect Jazmin from the horrific, bloodlusted monster he painfully turns into at the full-moon.

So, before I post the first part...What do you think? Anyone willing to help me write this script, it will be a giant pain to write alone!

SpiderDelToroFan
March 18th, 2014, 04:11 AM
BUMP

lordusan
March 19th, 2014, 12:40 AM
Yeah sure why not.
Sounds interesting!
How do you want to collaborate? Google Docs?
Also right now I want to see how this goes for a bit...

SpiderDelToroFan
March 19th, 2014, 12:42 AM
Sure! I was actually planning on posting it in this thread in separate parts. Assume you want me to start?

A_Jones
March 19th, 2014, 12:45 AM
Im interested. It the wolf scary or nice... like, you know, twilight.

SpiderDelToroFan
March 19th, 2014, 12:51 AM
Im interested. It the wolf scary or nice... like, you know, twilight.

There isn't a LOT of violence, but when it's there it's pretty gruesome. So no, this is NOT Twilight. The werewolf design itself is kind've like what the werewolf from American Werewolf in London looked mid-transformation, only two legged.

A_Jones
March 19th, 2014, 12:52 AM
Is he sentient or wild I guess is what I am asking.

SpiderDelToroFan
March 19th, 2014, 01:34 AM
Is he sentient or wild I guess is what I am asking.

The werewolf is wild, sentient werewolves are for teenage girls.

A_Jones
March 19th, 2014, 03:03 AM
THANK YOU! haha, cool beans. I think there is a large difference between a shifter and a were wolf. Anyway, I am excited to help you out.

SpiderDelToroFan
March 19th, 2014, 03:44 AM
Yeah sure why not.
Sounds interesting!
How do you want to collaborate? Google Docs?
Also right now I want to see how this goes for a bit...

Here is the first part:

FADE IN

Film begins with the song "Cosmic Love" by Florence + The Machine. Slow camera montage of different areas of a dark forest in the night as the credits are shown, some of the shots showing trees with strange and deep scratch marks, or bushes splattered with blood. When the song ends, the montage ends, and the main title is superimposed

"Will Walker's Farkasember"

Instantly cut to film producer Alfred Shepard, a middle aged man with slightly long hair and a beard.

ALFRED SHEPARD:
We're done...

CUT TO:

A distressed, shocked and nervous young man wearing glasses and a navy blue blazer. This is Leroy Dominik played by Hayden Christensen.

LEROY DOMINIK:
W..What?...

ALFRED SHEPARD:
You're sorry ass excuse for a script just cost us $3,00,000. You're not getting the contract...

LEROY DOMINIK:
Mr. Shepard, I had nothing to work with! It's a movie called "Space Puppies" for Christ sake, Andrew Kevin Walker couldn't make it work!

ALFRED SHEPARD:
So you lose the company $3,000,000 and you have the nerve to look us in the eye and blame everyone but yourself?

LEROY DOMINIK:
N...No, I didn't mean to blame you, I mean every studio has their ups and downs but...Give me another chance. Sign me up for something that fits my style. Tragedy, uh, romance, I can get back that money and then some.

ALFRED SHEPARD:
Mr. Dominik, we're finished here...

Leroy swallows nervously, tears in his eyes. He is pacing back and forth, a nervous wreck not sure what to do with himself. Alfred Shepard rolls his eyes.

ALFRED SHEPARD:
If you don't leave right now, I'll have security force you out.

Leroy Dominik rushes out of Alfred's office crying.

CUT TO:

Leroy Dominik driving his car home in heavy traffic, his wide eyes pink from heavy crying as we hear a voice over narration.

LEROY DOMINIK MONOLOGUE:
I'd be kidding myself if I thought that any self-respecting producer would hire the writer of "Spy Puppies" to write their screenplay. And I'd be kidding myself if I said that there was another job I'd be willing to take apart from screenwriting. I don't know, maybe it's because I'm a lonely loser, but writing is the only job I can imagine taking. If my life is free of romance, making stories of other people's romances at least keeps me entertained.

CUT TO:
Leroy Dominik opens the door to his small, rather ugly house as he takes of his blazer. His house is dimly lit, the rooms painted a dull shade of brown and most of the kitchen appliances are rusted. He passes various pictures of himself when he was happier, one when he was a teenager filming monster movies in his backyard, another with him in his graduation uniform surrounded by his loving parents. Leroy stops at the graduation photo and smiles weakly, and then turns on his answering machine.

LEROY'S BROTHER RICKY:
Hi Leroy, it's Ricky. Just checking in to see if you were okay. Read the reviews for Spy Puppies and know you can't be feeling good. Kinda assumed you didn't get the contract. Anyway, if you did, one of our construction guys just quit and...

Leroy fast forwards the message as the "End of messages" sound effect plays. He grabs a bottle of Jack Daniels and begins to drink. He takes a large chug of the bottle, before setting it down, only to take another chug. Fast forward to later, as we see an intoxicated Leroy crying. He grabs a photo from the wall. It is a photo of him when he was 4 year old, standing next to his smiling parents.

LEROY DOMINIK MONOLOGUE:
Maybe it's just the Jack Daniels...Maybe it's just my anxiety and me not knowing what to do with myself. But I...I need to go back to Blacksburg Forest. Just...Just to clear my mind.

CUT TO:

Leroy parks his car on the side of the road, the lights piercing through the black of the night. He stumbles out of the car, falling to the ground due to drunk clumsiness. He gets up and walks into the forest. As it is winter, many of the trees are dead and leafless. The forest itself is covered in fog and smoke. Leroy walks deeper and deeper into the forest, when suddenly a hellish howl is heard. Leroy turns around, gasping quietly. He turns around and around, breathing heavily. A second howl is heard as Leroy begins to run back. His drunkenness has caused him to be disorientated.

LEROY DOMINIK MONOLOGUE:
Oh Christ, oh Jesus, why did I come out here. I was stupid and drunk and not thinking right. Now I'm lost in the middle of the woods with some kind of animal and...

Suddenly, Leroy is hit by some kind oif blurry, hairy creature. Leroy screams out in unbearable pain as the monster begins to tear him apart. His screams only intensify and in a matter of minutes he is covered in heavy blood, especially on his throat and chest. Chunks of flesh are beginning to be ripped off by the beasts mouth, when suddenly several gunshots are heard as the screen begins to black out/

CUT TO:

Fade into a small, simply looking tan room, from the perspective of Leroy, lying in a bed. We see two faces looking at the camera, a beautiful, pale brunette with messy hair named Jazmin Hovarth, played by Emily Browning, and a old brown haired man with a mustache and long goatee named Khan Horvath, played by Robert De Niro.

KHAN HORVATH:
I'll talk to him at town supper tonight. You're better with people than I am...

JAZMIN HORVATH:
Is that why half the town hates me?

KHAN HORVATH:
Nobody hates you, Jazmin. Shyness and misunderstanding towards a particular person is just that...Shyness and misunderstanding. When he wakes up, talk to him.

JAZMIN HORVATH:
Father, what attacked him last night? When they brought him in he looked like a mutilated corpse, now he's as right as rain.

KHAN HORVATH:
I don't know, I wasn't there. Best not to worry him about it.

A_Jones
March 19th, 2014, 03:59 AM
I have a couple issues right off the bat. Script writers write from home, they dont have an office, unless this is a TV show set. So he wouldnt have a desk to clear out. And did he have a contract with the company? If he did he couldnt have been fired, and if he did not, he wouldnt have been fired, they just wouldnt have ever taken another of his scripts........

SpiderDelToroFan
March 19th, 2014, 04:13 AM
I have a couple issues right off the bat. Script writers write from home, they dont have an office, unless this is a TV show set. So he wouldnt have a desk to clear out. And did he have a contract with the company? If he did he couldnt have been fired, and if he did not, he wouldnt have been fired, they just wouldnt have ever taken another of his scripts........

Alright, I'll fix those little details, made it so that he was going to get a contract but because of the film bombing he couldn't. Apart from that is it alright?

A_Jones
March 19th, 2014, 01:39 PM
Well space puppies is an actual movie... so you are going to have to change that. Right now, when I picture your movie I almost see in it the 70s. I dont know if that is alright with you.

I have an issue with him ducking out of the office to cry. Cry? Grown man? Cause he wasnt given a contract with the company that made a sucky movie about space puppies? I dont know. Thats a bit much for me to swallow.

A monologue in a movie strikes me oddly too. I talk to myself a lot, but I never monologue. Give him someone to talk to.


"Hi Leroy, it's your brother" I have 3 sisters and I have never recieved an message from them that started with this. You know your own sibling. If you want to tell the audience who the caller is, have them talk about their mom quickly for whatever reason.

"Nobody hates you, my daughter" Again no one says this stuff.

You have a command with words. That is really good. I can tell you are a writer. But I think you need to do a lot of script research. Read some more plays. This is just way too rough right now.

SpiderDelToroFan
March 19th, 2014, 07:14 PM
Well space puppies is an actual movie... so you are going to have to change that. Right now, when I picture your movie I almost see in it the 70s. I dont know if that is alright with you.

I have an issue with him ducking out of the office to cry. Cry? Grown man? Cause he wasnt given a contract with the company that made a sucky movie about space puppies? I dont know. Thats a bit much for me to swallow.

A monologue in a movie strikes me oddly too. I talk to myself a lot, but I never monologue. Give him someone to talk to.


"Hi Leroy, it's your brother" I have 3 sisters and I have never recieved an message from them that started with this. You know your own sibling. If you want to tell the audience who the caller is, have them talk about their mom quickly for whatever reason.

"Nobody hates you, my daughter" Again no one says this stuff.

You have a command with words. That is really good. I can tell you are a writer. But I think you need to do a lot of script research. Read some more plays. This is just way too rough right now.

Well, he just got out of college and I was actually trying to make him whiny and immature at the start, which is why he was crying. Also, there's a movie called "Space Buddies" but not "Spy Puppies". Was essentially trying to come up with the dumbest film idea for him to have to write. I fixed all the other problems that you had.

thepancreas11
March 19th, 2014, 10:51 PM
The premise isn't bad, but the execution leaves a lot to be desired. The big issue here is that it's corny, Spider. You're employing so many gimmicks that just don't belong in something with the kind of budget you're proposing. I'm expecting someone to say, "Myah, see?" after half the lines in there. It would be one think if you were trying to recreate "Duck Soup", but it's another to if you're trying to be serious about this. You're dialogue is just too cartoonish to try and sell this pitch to me.

What you should try is reading some more from the Prose Writer's Workshop, and I would try reading some Truman Capote or some Tennessee Williams. They are both pretty good at writing dialogue. Also, try to imagine these characters in your own head. I know that you have an idea of what actor you want to play what, but giving them a face before you can really find their voice just doesn't work like this. Plus, Hayden Christensen isn't exactly lauded for his acting, I'm afraid to say. You need to create your world, not someone else's world.

There's potential. It needs a lot of work, but there is a story buried in there somewhere that might work. Maybe you stick with the campy, and you run it like a comedy where he's got writer's block until he falls in love with some girl in the wood while simultaneously transforming into a werewolf, thereby providing him a story. That sounds more like a musical to me than a movie, but it would work with your "Spy/Space Puppies" thing. Try writing some short stories for the Forum so that rely heavily on their dialogue to advance character development and setting. That will definitely help you hone your craft, sir.

illiteratewriter
March 20th, 2014, 03:45 AM
One other suggestion I can give you in your narrative, directors hate being told what to do. As the writer your job is dialogue and to set the basic scene for example.

INT. MIKES PUB - DAY

Mike sits at the bar, an old withered man pours a drink

OLD MAN
What-ll you have stranger

MIKE
Ill have a whiskey...make it
a double

OLD MAN
coming up

MIKE
Oh...one more thing

OLD MAN
yeah

MIKE
Ill also need your life

Mike brandishes a knife diving over the bar, a scuffle ensues, the old man is stabbed

OLD MAN
(gasping for air)
Who the hell are...why have you done..

MIKE
(interrupting/with anger)
Im your son you dirty son of a bitch, this
is pay back for what you put my mother
through all those yeas ago. now burn in
hell you sick bastard!

Mike finishes the job by slicing the old mans throat.


Less visual narrative is better even though its natural to most writers.

popsprocket
March 20th, 2014, 04:00 AM
I'd suggest at least looking up standard script format.

There are also good free programs for script writing. Celtx is probably the most popular.

SpiderDelToroFan
April 5th, 2014, 02:14 AM
The premise isn't bad, but the execution leaves a lot to be desired. The big issue here is that it's corny, Spider. You're employing so many gimmicks that just don't belong in something with the kind of budget you're proposing. I'm expecting someone to say, "Myah, see?" after half the lines in there. It would be one think if you were trying to recreate "Duck Soup", but it's another to if you're trying to be serious about this. You're dialogue is just too cartoonish to try and sell this pitch to me.

What you should try is reading some more from the Prose Writer's Workshop, and I would try reading some Truman Capote or some Tennessee Williams. They are both pretty good at writing dialogue. Also, try to imagine these characters in your own head. I know that you have an idea of what actor you want to play what, but giving them a face before you can really find their voice just doesn't work like this. Plus, Hayden Christensen isn't exactly lauded for his acting, I'm afraid to say. You need to create your world, not someone else's world.

There's potential. It needs a lot of work, but there is a story buried in there somewhere that might work. Maybe you stick with the campy, and you run it like a comedy where he's got writer's block until he falls in love with some girl in the wood while simultaneously transforming into a werewolf, thereby providing him a story. That sounds more like a musical to me than a movie, but it would work with your "Spy/Space Puppies" thing. Try writing some short stories for the Forum so that rely heavily on their dialogue to advance character development and setting. That will definitely help you hone your craft, sir.

Yeah, I'm sorry for this mess. Definitely need to edit it at some point, botched it REALLY hard. Kind've ashamed to be honest.

Clinking Thearly
November 23rd, 2014, 07:31 PM
Not a bad concept, just please don't include vampires!

Redhouse
January 28th, 2015, 09:30 PM
I recommend just writing it. My first play took a year to write and the rest came easy. I now have written two full plays and have loads of idea drafts that I didn't see much potential in. The most important thing is that if you're gonna write do it alone 'cause ideas are cheap and hard work pays. Having two 90 page scripts that took a year to write is pretty good for the hobby of a high school student, but its not a competition. Get it done at your own pace but be sure to finish it. Finishing is very important, and the way I finished mine was by having a tutor who inspired me enough to finish the first play. After the first the second came easy, the third might be harder since its fresh, (i.e. not a reboot), but thats okay. I'm down to finish, just let me do it at my own pace.