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WatcherOfSky
March 15th, 2014, 11:42 PM
Well, I guess I haven't come on in a while. I wonder why. here's the next part. And here's the first part: http://www.writingforums.com/threads/140772-Lues-Rapax
Sorry if the format seems a bit mixed up, I am still in the process of cleaning up the old format.
Thanks for reading.

Biology class proceeded uneventfully, other than the fact Kain couldn’t stop himself from looking at all of his new classmates. He never realized there could be so many different kinds of people in the world.
He tried to focus on listening to the teacher’s lecture, but he was having a hard time understanding what she was saying. The fact English wasn’t his first language already made him nervous. Almost anything he thought about seemed to be a problem. Was he really made out to go to school?
Eventually, the bell rang and he let out a long sigh. Candice turned around, her blue eyes sparkling, “You’re really from Russia? Must have been cold there huh?”
Kain sensed that more students were gathering around them, so he tried to answer as best he could, “Um... yes, very cold...” He lied, he actually had no idea what the weather was like in Russia, but he assumed it was very cold from his small experience.
Candice continued asking more questions, “So why did you move to America? It must be very different to living in Russia, which city were you living in?” Kain looked around at the eager faces expecting a reply to this, each looking as if they would ask the same type questions.
He turned back to Samantha and said, “Err, I lived near Moscow, a-and I would say the lifestyles are very different. I, err... moved because I wasn’t... satisfied with my lifestyle over there.”
Kain wasn’t used to having to talk this much, but to his dismay, more students started asking him questions, “You must know Russian pretty well right? Could you say something?”
“Oh, um... what do you want me to say?” More people crowded around him as they gave him suggestions of what to say.
Samantha could tell that Kain was feeling uncomfortable from being asked so many questions at once, and decided it was enough, “Lay off of him guys, he just came here. Let’s give him some air.”
Reluctantly, the students went back to the other various activities that they needed to do.
Kain sighed again, feeling like he had been saved. Candice giggled, “Sorry, I got a little carried away.” She winked at him and got up, getting her supplies ready. Samantha stood up as well and started for the door, “Come on, we are going to be late for the next class.”

(...)

The assistant was trying hard not to think about the punishment he would be getting once the boss got back. He was sitting in his desk in front of his boss’ office. He had frantically tried to stop the stupid kid from leaving, but there were too many people connected with his escape. What was he going to say to stop the boss from killing him? He started sweating, remembering what the boss did to Vadim when he failed to kill his target. He tried to take his mind off of it by doing some more paperwork, but it kept scratching at the back of his mind, like a cat that was trying to show that it wants to go back inside. He laid back on his chair, sighing. This was going to be a real problem he kept repeating to himself.
Suddenly someone burst through the door to the room and the assistant nearly fell out of his chair. It was the boss, and he looked like he could erupt at any moment, ‘Where is that damned boy?! Don’t you dare tell me that he got away!” He screamed in Russian.
The assistant whimpered, “H-he got away sir. Someone had the papers for release since he wasn’t needed as a test subject anymore...”
The boss smashed his fists onto the desk, “Got away?! Why didn’t you stop the papers from being signed?! Who was the one who helped him escape?!”
The assistant gulped, flinching every time the boss slammed his fists on the desk, “It was, err, William sir, err, you know, Daniel’s assistant.”
The Boss calmed down a bit, “William? I knew I should have gotten rid of him while I had the chance. Ok then, do you at least know where they went to?”
The assistant feverishly went through some of his paperwork, knowing that if he failed this, he would definitely die, “Err... err, yes here.” He pulled out a document, “It says here that they went to New York, though I don’t have where exactly though...”
The boss stopped, he was completely calm at this point, and almost relieved, “Well then, this makes things even simpler.” A sly grin spread across his face, “In fact, it’s almost like it was destiny.” He turned around and went back out the door saying, “Ok then, the plan is to take effect in four days, so make sure the preparations are complete by then.” He stopped at the door and turned his head towards the unfortunate assistant, “Also, I will not be as merciful to you if you ever fail me again, understand?”
The assistant nodded, “Yes boss, I understand.” The boss sighed a long thoughtful sigh and walked out.
The assistant fell over his desk, scattering papers everywhere, he had lived through it this time. He quickly pulled himself together again and went off to start working.

(...)

It was I.T. class, and the end of the school day was rapidly approaching as Kain started reflecting upon it. First of he still could not believe how many students there were, as it just seemed overwhelming to him. He thought about how many schools similar to this one there could be in the world, and decided that it was best that he left the thought alone, as it was intensely belittling him.
Then, of course, were the lessons themselves. He had difficulty understanding some of the subjects, namely Math and Chemistry. He was quite anxious about how he would be able to handle them, but he also left that thought alone for the same reason. The subject he did like on the other hand was Music class. He liked listening to the soothing music and learning about their composers and what the songs themselves represented. I.T. class was also not something he could handle, as he had no idea how to handle computers. The teacher told him not to worry about it and that he would help him later on, so that gave him the rest of the class for himself.
Last, but certainly not least, was the matter of lunches. A full hour was given as a break for lunch and free study. His first experience with the foods there were not something he was going to forget easily. The variety of fried foods and sweets left him in bliss disbelief. He, for some odd reason, particularly enjoyed the French Fries, and the combination of another thing he had discovered, which was ketchup, with the French Fries was unlike anything he had tasted before. Best of all, the cafeteria had a seemingly endless supply of both, so he ate to his heart’s content.
Kain was in the middle of contemplating on how France could have invented such a wonderful thing, when the bell indicating the end of school rang, interrupting the thought and startling him. He looked around. Most of the students fortunately seemed more interested in getting out of school over anything else. He suddenly realized someone was talking to him, and quickly turned around, “Oh, sorry, I was not paying attention.” It was Samantha, and she was temporarily distracted by his comment before saying, “Ah, I just wanted to know where you live.” Kain thought about this for a moment and said, “I do not remember the address, but I take the number (?) bus to the stop (??). My apartment is right near the stop.” She looked surprised for a moment, and then said, “I know that area, it’s closer to downtown.” Kain looked around to see the rest of the class had already left, “Where did Candice go?” Samantha checked her watch before answering, “She has cheerleading practice right after class three times a week, so she had to leave right away. I have choir practice in a little bit so I have to get going too.” She paused for a moment, as if to think about something before adding, “Come and check it out some time, it’s every Tuesday and Friday in the music room.” She got up and headed for the door, waving and smiling, “See you Kain, I’ll be looking forward to it!” Kain gave a sort of half-smile and waved back, “Uh… yes, bye.” And with that she left.
Kain slumped back into his chair, sighed and stared at the doorway. He would have continued to stare at it for some time if the teacher, who was still present, would not have interrupted him, “Kain, the principal told me to show you to your locker after school, so if you would please follow me.” Kain got up and followed after him. The teacher’s name was Mr. Schauer, and Kain felt more comfortable around him than other teaches, as he seemed more calm and patient. He was a small man with very short, brown hair and a small moustache.
As they were walking down the hall, Kain spotted Samantha fetching something from a locker. She closed it and hurriedly half-ran down the opposite way, joining up with another girl who seemed to have been waiting for her. The two disappeared around the corner, seemingly having not noticed the two other people advancing from the other side, which disappointed Kain.
Mr. Schauer stopped at the locker, which was to Kain’s surprise, three lockers down from Samantha’s, “Your locker code is thirty, twenty-five, twelve and six. Let me show you how to unlock it.” With a lot of turning, it unlocked and the locker opened. He closed it and closed the lock again, “Now you try.” Kain fiddled with the lock for a little while, with Mr. Schauer’s help, until finally he opened it. He redid it a few times to memorize the pattern. “Good job! The principal also wanted you to go to his office when you were ready. I need to get back to work so if you would excuse me please.” They gave their farewells, and then Mr. Schauer headed down the hallway, and Kain went off in the direction of the main office.
Once he came to the large wooden doors that were the entrance to the main office. He knocked on the door and waited somewhat nervously. Mr. Steiner’s voice rang out and echoed down the halls, “I’ll be right there!” He opened the door, welcoming Kain into his office. Kain was a little surprised to see Will in the office already, waiting for him. He was sitting on a couch, in which he patted the sport next to him, inviting him to sit next to him. He did, and after organizing a few papers on his desk and taking them, Mr. Steiner joined them in his own chair, “So Kain, how was your first day of school? Did you make any friends yet?” Kain considered this for a moment and said, “Yes, I think so.” Will nudged him delightedly, “That’s great! I told you that you would be fine here!” Mr. Steiner nodded in agreement, “Indeed that is definitely a great way to start off. Now we need to get your school supplies organized.” He lifted some papers up and displayed them to the both, “Here are some papers with information of what is needed to know to catch up in the lessons. They include mostly page numbers within the textbooks that you will be receiving shortly.” He got up and headed towards the door, “Please follow me and I will give Kain everything he needs for school.” They followed him out, and the three went to get Kain’s textbooks.

Samantha was in the front lobby. Choir practice had just ended and she was waiting for Candice as she was taking with a red-haired girl, who also went to her choir practice, named Martha. “So I heard that there is this new foreign exchange student in your class. What’s he like?” “Oh, his name is Kain, he’s from Russia. I actually was the one who got to show him around school.” Martha started to get excited, ”Ooh, tell me more!” Samantha took a minute to think of what else to say, “Well… he has dark blonde hair, isn’t too tall, and he is pretty thin too. His English is so good that you can barely catch his accent.” Martha sat back into the couch, “He sounds cute! I have to get a peek!” Samantha took a glimpse at the hallway behind Martha, and saw Candice rushing towards them with her gym bag in hand.
Candice came into the lobby and approached the two girls. She sat down in the arm-chair across from them, “hey Sammy, hey Martha, how’re you guys doing?” Martha answered her enthusiastically, “We were just talking about the new kid in your class! What do you think about him?” Candice smiled and giggled, “I’d say he would make a great husband for Sam!” She winked at Sam, and both she and Martha laughed. Samantha blushed with embarrassment, “Hey! I volunteered to show him around school because he seemed interesting! It’s not like I would choose him as my boyfriend, I’ve already told you I’m not ready to do that kind of stuff yet…” Candice gave her a friendly nudge, “Oh come on! You know I’m only kidding!” Martha then exclaimed, “Yeah, cus I’m going to make him mine first!” The three of them started laughing at this when Samantha’s phone rang out. She checked it and said, “Aww, my mom’s here, we have to get going now. Bye Martha!” Candice added, “Yeah see ya tomorrow.” Martha waved them good-bye as they headed out the main entrance and through the front courtyard towards the school parking lot.
About halfway to the parking lot Candice spotted some people on the sports field in the distance to their right, “Seems like the sophomores are having baseball practice today… Josh must be with them too right now huh? Samantha started to walk a little faster, “Please don’t bring that up right now.” Candice matched her pace, “I mean I know you don’t like talking about it, but I really think it could have worked out! If you just weren’t so stubborn…” Samantha replied, before Candice could finish her sentence, with an annoyed tone, “Candice please!” Candice stopped, and the rest of the walk was held in silence, both of them lost in their own thoughts. They shortly reached the parking lot and Samantha spotted her mother’s mini-van. Candice shouted, “Shotgun!” and ran through the parking lot up to the car. She opened the front seat door, “Hi Mrs. Roseheart!” Samantha’s mother closed the book she was reading and looked up at her. She gave her a warm smile and said, “Oh, hi Candice! Where’s Sam?” Candice pointed behind herself, “She’s right behind me.” “Hi Candy!” Candice turned around to see Samantha’s twin sisters, Caity and Suzy, sitting in the far back of the van. She grinned at them, “Hey you little munchkins! Are you here to bother us after school again?” Caity giggled, “We will be here every day to bother you!” Candice laughed when Suzy said, “We won’t stop ‘till you give us more lollipops!” Candice tossed them each a lollipop she was saving for them in her bag and commented, “You two are going to get chubby from all these lollipops!” They giggled some more as they each tried somewhat vainly to pry off the wrapper.
Samantha opened the door and slowly slumped into the seat and sighed. She turned around to see her sisters sucking mirthfully on a lollipop. She turned forward again and said, “More lollipops?” How many are you getting from your mom?” Candice replied while the car started moving, “Only enough for them two, they barely cost anything from the worker discount at the supermarket.” Samantha laid back into the seat and gazed at the passing scenery. “So how did you do today girls.” asked Samantha’s mom, “There’s this new foreign exchange student in our class!” Samantha’s mom quickly glanced at her in interest, “That’s cool! Where’s he from?”
“Russia.”
“How exciting!” She exclaimed. She then turned her attention towards Samantha, “So how did you do today Sam?”
“I got an A on my Math test.” She answered passively, she was slightly distracted by the outrageous slurping sounds coming from behind, “That’s great, you really seemed to be trying hard on that one!”
“What did you get on that test Candice?” Candice looked down at her lap and started twiddling her thumbs and mumbled gloomily, “Well, I got a C. I think it’s because my name starts with a C that I’m doomed to mostly C’s on my report card…” Samantha’s mother laughed at the joke and even Samantha chuckled quietly. “I think we should get Sam to start tutoring you soon huh?” She laughed some more when she saw a slight frown on both of their faces at this comment.
Eventually the dark-blue mini-van found its way into the driveway belonging to the Roseheart residents. The driveway continued into a garage, which was filled with lots of random stuff other than cars. This garage belonged to a nice and neat house, which resided in a nice and neat suburban neighborhood. . Candice was the first out of the car, “Thanks Mrs. Roseheart for the lift. See ya tomorrow Sam!” She quickly said before continuing onward to her house, which looked almost identical to Samantha’s, next door. “Bye Candice!” Shouted Samantha as she slowly stepped out of the backseat, and then folding the chair to release the twins. They hopped out and followed their mother to the front door, giggling as they showed her their brightly colored tongues from the lollipops. Samantha closed the door and sighed again. The car beeped, showing that is was locked and Samantha turned around to see the sun setting slowly on the horizon, an ocean of orange clouds. She could hear Caity and Suzy arguing over what they wanted for dinner as they went inside. She couldn’t stop thinking about what Candice said about Josh, and then stared at his house, which was down the street, and also looked quite similar to their own. Ultimately, she also went inside.
After dinner, Candice went into her room to do homework. She sat down at her desk and prepared everything she needed to be done. Opening her biology textbook and notebook, she started on her work, but that didn’t last long until she stopped and starting thinking about Josh again. She laid her head down on the desk and sighed for the umpteenth time. Maybe she really should have gone into it, maybe she was too stubborn. She had been friends with him ever since he moved into the neighborhood six years ago. These questions revolved around her head and seemed to haunt her, until her phone rang, startling her from her trance-like state. It was a text-message and it was from Josh. From Josh! She gulped, because she hadn’t talked to him much, or even seen him to be precise, since the declension about a month ago. It took her five minutes just to open the message, and when she did; she stared, wide eyed while reading it. She read it again. She read it a third time just to be sure she wasn’t missing anything.

Hey Sam. It’s been some time since we last did anything huh? I just thought you might want to go with some friends and I on Saturday to do some stuff around downtown. You can invite whomever you want you want. Just reply with a yes and no. I’m thinking around ten’ish around the old clock near the station. Hope you can come!

Samantha still could not believe what she had just and just gawked at it in astonishment. It was exactly the thing she needed to fix the mistake, which she was now sure that it was a mistake now, she made. In a burst of excitement she texted back that she did want to go, and impatiently waited for some sort of reply. She looked out her window, gazing longingly at his house. The lights inside were on, so she knew he was home. Suddenly another text came and she hastily opened it and read the contents.

That’s great! Can’t wait for it. :) goodnight!

Things could have not gone better for her. She started planning on a way to isolate them somewhere so she could tell him she changed her mind. She got goosebumbs thinking about it. The only downside to all of this though was that she stayed up extremely late finishing her homework.

TMFlynn
March 19th, 2014, 03:40 AM
Hi WatcherOfSky. Some interesting things in here and I can see potential. There are a few stylistic ticks that don't sit well with me though. Mostly word repetition and the occasional cliched description - 'her blue eyes sparkling'. You may be setting up the female lead here and it may be love at first sight but there isn't much else in the way of descriptions in that section to support the feeling. Throughout we get catch-all phrases that should help the reader but really pulled me out of the story.

I like the setup and the structure, bouncing between the mundane class world and the more intense thread of the boss and assistant. I think on a second pass you can differentiate the voices a little more with Kain's classmates. I get that they are fading into the background with their questions, but a bit of colour in their dialogue would be great. I would say some more humour in general in these sections would help. It doesn't have to be a teen comedy, but the story might bounce along better with some more levity mined from the fish out of water situation. Get out of Kain's head a little and have him interacting with the world more. He could get called to the front of class or somehow makes a fool of himself. At the moment it seems like Kain doesn't want to deal with the other characters because you don't want to deal with them. I say this only because your fish out of water premise has a lot of potential.

Onto the boss/assistant paragraphs. Would it not be The Boss and The Assistant? I struggled with it because their names were lower case which implied you just hadn't gotten around to giving them names yet. Again, try to watch the cliches - "Also, I will not be as merciful to you if you ever fail me again, understand?” Roll over all of the dialogue and ask yourself brutally, 'have I heard this before? Is there a more original way of saying this?' Tropes are fine (boss reprimanding lowly helper with threats of death) but you want to find fun, original spins on the delivery.

It is slow going again in the beginning of the next section as we are back in Kain's head. Be sure to analyse each thought that the character has and judge how worthwhile it is and how interesting it is to read. Kain is belittled by the thought of how many similar schools there are in the world? I think you can hack at a lot of this stuff (but it reads a lot like my early drafts. We're just trying to get words down and get from A to B).

Now we're in tricky territory. The dialogue of teenage girls. I will say that this was the most engaging part for me because we had some back and forths and movement. But the dialogue could be a little stiff. They seem like very nice girls, maybe a little too nice? I'm not sure about the prospect of spending a lot of time with them though. I think getting this kind of thing right is really tough (unless you are, or were very recently a teenage girl). Beyond loosening the way they talk it would be good to have them not focus on the lead character so much (the easiest way to judge a weak female character is if they are only there to qualify the male). They talk about grades and boys. Anything else that can be mined?

Overall it was a good read and I can see it being the start of something that would be engaging for the YA audience. There are quite a few mistakes dotted through that will need a clean. Third paragraph from the bottom - Samantha still could not believe what she had just and just gawked at it in astonishment. - There are a few of these.

I really hope that helps somewhat. I was going to go into specifics but I figured you would be doing a couple of general passes to play about with the characters before doing the heavy analyzing.

WatcherOfSky
March 23rd, 2014, 03:46 PM
Hi WatcherOfSky. Some interesting things in here and I can see potential. There are a few stylistic ticks that don't sit well with me though. Mostly word repetition and the occasional cliched description - 'her blue eyes sparkling'. You may be setting up the female lead here and it may be love at first sight but there isn't much else in the way of descriptions in that section to support the feeling. Throughout we get catch-all phrases that should help the reader but really pulled me out of the story.

I like the setup and the structure, bouncing between the mundane class world and the more intense thread of the boss and assistant. I think on a second pass you can differentiate the voices a little more with Kain's classmates. I get that they are fading into the background with their questions, but a bit of colour in their dialogue would be great. I would say some more humour in general in these sections would help. It doesn't have to be a teen comedy, but the story might bounce along better with some more levity mined from the fish out of water situation. Get out of Kain's head a little and have him interacting with the world more. He could get called to the front of class or somehow makes a fool of himself. At the moment it seems like Kain doesn't want to deal with the other characters because you don't want to deal with them. I say this only because your fish out of water premise has a lot of potential.

Onto the boss/assistant paragraphs. Would it not be The Boss and The Assistant? I struggled with it because their names were lower case which implied you just hadn't gotten around to giving them names yet. Again, try to watch the cliches - "Also, I will not be as merciful to you if you ever fail me again, understand?” Roll over all of the dialogue and ask yourself brutally, 'have I heard this before? Is there a more original way of saying this?' Tropes are fine (boss reprimanding lowly helper with threats of death) but you want to find fun, original spins on the delivery.

It is slow going again in the beginning of the next section as we are back in Kain's head. Be sure to analyse each thought that the character has and judge how worthwhile it is and how interesting it is to read. Kain is belittled by the thought of how many similar schools there are in the world? I think you can hack at a lot of this stuff (but it reads a lot like my early drafts. We're just trying to get words down and get from A to B).

Now we're in tricky territory. The dialogue of teenage girls. I will say that this was the most engaging part for me because we had some back and forths and movement. But the dialogue could be a little stiff. They seem like very nice girls, maybe a little too nice? I'm not sure about the prospect of spending a lot of time with them though. I think getting this kind of thing right is really tough (unless you are, or were very recently a teenage girl). Beyond loosening the way they talk it would be good to have them not focus on the lead character so much (the easiest way to judge a weak female character is if they are only there to qualify the male). They talk about grades and boys. Anything else that can be mined?

Overall it was a good read and I can see it being the start of something that would be engaging for the YA audience. There are quite a few mistakes dotted through that will need a clean. Third paragraph from the bottom - Samantha still could not believe what she had just and just gawked at it in astonishment. - There are a few of these.

I really hope that helps somewhat. I was going to go into specifics but I figured you would be doing a couple of general passes to play about with the characters before doing the heavy analyzing.

Thank you for the feedback. I wrote this segment about two years ago, and just haven't done much with it. The fish out of water thing is actually written from experience to the scenario.

Other than that I will try to use this advice in future writing, good luck to you wherever you go.