View Full Version : Schism -A Short Story

March 13th, 2014, 07:32 PM
Contains - Gore, Violence
Hello all, this was the first major thing I had ever written. It's sorta a tribute/re-imaging of Silent Hill: Downpour. I used some similar dialogue in some places but the story is my own monster. All the songs are credit to Marilyn Manson, I hope you enjoy. I was only 16/7 when I wrote this so please don't rip it apart to much. It's 5,449 words. I tried formatting it but the site won't let me I guess.


Running and twisting, Leon Sunderland pushed through the rotting hallway as water streamed down the walls like a fresh gunshot wound. Leon ran on, hand clutched to his temple. His head was burning and someone was screaming; as if his very mind was set ablaze. He fell to the floor face down into the metal grate and screamed in agony as the flames licked his flesh. The intense flames ate away at the twisted metal as he tried in vain to get to his feet. The ground shook with a heavy thump and a slow and deadly pace. Approaching him was a towering creature, behind its mask he could feel the cold, soulless eyes fixated onto him. It raised its great knife…

Leon awoke with a sudden jolt, face streaked with sweat. “Wow, what a dream,” he muttered. He slowly rose from his bed and walked to the cell wall. He stood there and held the cold metal bars with his damp fingers. The loud creak of a metal door shattered the silence as a man entered. “Well Leon, today’s the big day.” Behind his dark sunglasses, Leon could feel his dark eyes glaring into him. Leon stuck his hands through an open slot to await the bite of the metal handcuffs. They snapped onto his wrists and clicked into place. “Prisoner secure, open 302B transfer,” the guard ordered. The cell opened and Leon followed the guard down the dimly lit hallway until they reached a large metal gate. A metallic click rang through the hallway and the door began to rise; as it did water rushed in and pooled in at their feet. “It’s crazy,” the guard muttered, “it’s been raining for two days straight.” The pair trudged through the slippery mud and reached a large blue bus. Leon stepped on the first step and stopped, apprehensive to what was to come. “Get on the bus,” a female officer ordered. Doing what he was told he entered the rear end of the bus and fell into the moth eaten seat. “Buckle up, we got a long drive,” the driver ordered. The bus then roared to life and began the long journey.

An hour into the trip, Leon began to drift into sleep. Eyes flickering, he began to doze… Screams began to fill his subconscious and his eyes had such an intense pressure they felt as if they would burst. Leon's eyes popped open, his mind trying to process what had transpired. “What the hell was that?” he wondered gazing through the foggy window. As he did he could feel the eyes of the other prisoners on him, like he was a tasty morsel of meat among ravenous dogs. After what felt like an eternity, the bus arrived at its destination in the town of Brahms. The prisoners were ordered off the bus in a single file line onto a nearby deck. They were then taken onto an old boat that looked as if it would fall apart from the seam. The engine whined and eventually roared to life after several attempts to start. They were guided across the smooth black water; the huge island looming in the distance. Minutes later they reached the shore and were escorted up the steep slope. They stood before a giant prison, arched on a sign read “Overlook Penitentiary.”

“Welcome to the “Overlook Penitentiary,” a horse voice rasped. “My name is Warden Shepherd and this is my prison.” As he spoke, he paced back and forth, “you are here because you have been deemed unfit for normal society. As you see we are on an island, there is no escape. Even if you do I doubt you can swim through this vast lake“. He stopped in front of Leon and stared directly into his eyes. Leon felt a cold, dull feeling in his head, he knew this face but he couldn’t form the hazy images in his mind. “I don’t like the way you’re looking at me, prisoner” the warden rasped. Leon stared back into the cold, steel gray eyes. “Officer Bennet stick this one in solitary confinement!” Warden Shepherd shouted. “I didn’t do anything!” Leon shouted. “I’m tired of hearing that,” the warden said coldly. Leon knew it did no good to argue so he reluctantly let the officer lead him into the prison. Inside the prison many of the lost and damned souls clamored to get a look at the “fresh meat.” He could feel all of their eyes on him as he was marched to the east side of the prison. She led him down a dark hallway and stopped. The guard then opened one of the many doors and ordered him to get inside. Doing as he was told he entered the damp and dingy room. “See you in four days,” she said with a wicked grin and with that the last bit of light was shut off. He was cast into oblivion and enveloped in total darkness.

Leon didn't know how much time had passed. After a while, what may minutes felt like hours in the living darkness. His only indication of time was when a sloppy meal was pushed through a thin slot at the bottom of the door. The food itself always tasted awful, but his hunger would always overtake him, and he would devour it all. One day the meals suddenly ceased and it continued to do so for several more days, and as Leon lay there in the dark he wondered if he had been left to die. “No way they’ve forgotten me, no way,” he muttered under his breath. He tried his best not to sleep as the only thing that kept him sane was his urge to escape. As Leon continued to lie on the hard ground, the door suddenly clicked open. He shuffled to his feet and called, “hello anyone out there?” He stepped out of the cell but something was different now. The air smelled of something rotten and decomposed. The once shiny steel gray walls were now barren and rustic. “What happened here?” he thought as he continued down the hall. His feet kicked something, he felt around on the ground until his hands felt the cool touch of metal. It was then he realized it was a flashlight. He clicked it on and a thin beam of light pierced the veil of darkness. He shone the light around the hall and into some empty cells. “Something is not right that is for sure,” he thought. Leon soon found a nearby stairwell; he looked down at the descent into darkness. “I don’t know where I am going but I don’t have much of a choice,” he whispered. Leon descended three flights of stairs before he reached the ground floor. After some searching, he found only one door which simply read “Courtyard”, reaching out with both curiosity and apprehension, he turned the brass handle. When he opened the door he was greeted by pure darkness and a slow drizzle of rain. “The light hardly even indents the night,” he said stupefied. Slowly he walked onto the concrete ground of the courtyard. Surrounding him was a chain link enclosure that stood over him like a watchful and judgmental God. “Quiet, so quiet” he thought as he continued forward through the night. He shone the beam of light along the ground in a vain attempt to see through the shroud. The faint light then illuminated a pool of crimson. “Is that blood?!” he exclaimed. He could see it was streaked and he followed the streaks with the light. They had continued through another door which in itself was smeared with blood. The door read “Overlook Penitentiary Hospital,” which was ajar. “Someone may be hurt, I have to make sure they are okay,” he thought, as he ventured towards the door. Pushing the door open slightly, he shone the light into the front lobby. “Hello anyone there?” he called to which is only answer was only silence.
Leon entered the barren hospital, which like the prison, was decaying and rotting away. He continued to follow the streaks of blood to an elevator which was in the back of the lobby. The down button was smeared with wet crimson blood. “This is crazy, what am I doing?!” he thought, heart racing. Trembling, he pushed the wet button and could hear it begin to rise. When the doors opened, he stepped onto the blood soaked floor. He shifted his gaze towards the elevator panel and found his destination. “Intensive Care,” which was smeared in wet blood; and with some apprehension, he pressed the glowing button. Leon felt the elevator shift and he then began the descent; a descent into a terrible madness from which he may never escape.

The elevator eventually came to a stop and the doors opened with a bing. He stepped out of the elevator onto the tiled floor. “The blood trail is getting thicker…” he remarked grimly. He began to hear a low fuzzing noise, “what’s that?” he thought. Leon scanned the flashlight on the ground and found it to be a small pocket radio. He walked over and picked it up, “what’s this doing here?” he said turning it over in his hands. Then the fuzzing increased and the radio began to play. At first it was nothing but distortion but he began to hear a ghostly singer and a screeching guitar. As they came into focus, he was able to hear,

“I’ll build you a shiny dollhouse or church

Where you can shrink into a tiny wight spider

And gorge on horrid memories with conceited wings

Smother the past in a cocoon or me”

The static overtook the song and soon the radio fell silent. Brushing it off Leon slipped it into his pocket and started to scan his surroundings. The hallway was empty and smelled of rot and mold. Only one door was in sight and he could see the blood trail continue through it. He walked to the door and slowly opened it to peer inside. It was too dark to see so he entered the room and as he did he heard the door lock behind him. Turning on his flashlight he scanned the large room. In the room lay hundreds of beds and twisted machinery. Blood stained the floor and the sickly scent of death was overpowering. What caught his eye however was what was in the center of the room; a huge web. “What in the name of?” Leon stammered. As he drew closer he saw that on the web a corpse lay halfway wrapped up. A thick layer of web ensnared the torso like a tourniquet and the arms were outstretched in a sick crucifixion. The body was decayed beyond recognition and dripping a mixture of both blood and water which lay pooled at its feet. “What is this?!” he shouted. Then in the corner of his eye he saw movement. Paralyzed by fear he stood, rooted to the ground, and watched as a hideous creature came into sight. It crawled on the ceiling for a while before dropping onto the ground a few feet away from him. It stood before Leon, who transfixed stared back. The creature itself was long, white and limber. It had no face, just holes where the features should be. It had six arms which lay limp at its side, and its torso was connected to a disfigured spinneret as if it had been stitched on. The creature’s ghostly white face matched Leon’s face of pure horror. The creature started to twitch and almost glide towards Leon, “stay back!” he shouted. He turned and ran to the door but it remained locked tight. “No, no!” he shouted in frenzy. He turned back to look at the creature and as he did, its face split open revealing a set of sharp, black teeth. “Get away!” he yelled as he ran to the other side of the room. Frantically; he searched for a weapon among the various surgical equipment which lay in a discarded in a metal tray. With the creature almost upon him, he reached up and stabbed it in the chest with a rusty scalpel. It reeled back and let out and earsplitting scream before falling to the floor. It lay twitching on the ground for a short while before finally falling limp. “What is that?!” he thought wildly. He walked over the creature’s corpse and stared down at it. As he did voices and screams began to fill his head, and a sharp burning sensation swelled in his temple. “Argh!” he sank to the floor into; his eyes filled with darkness.

Leon began to stir, and then sat up suddenly, “where am I now?” he thought. His eyes scanned the dark room and he realized he was no longer in the hospital. “I’m back in the main hall of the prison,” he muttered as he got to his feet, head still pounding. He found his flashlight lying next to him and he clicked it on. “What was that thing? Should I call for help? What is going on?” he thought wildly all at once. “I need to get out of here,” he told himself, “I’ll take the boat that brought me here and just head for the coast.” He began to head in the direction of the main door, “what the?!” he exclaimed. The huge door that had once been in the wall was now gone. He touched the smooth, rustic metal not believing his eyes. “I’m going crazy, I know the door was here!” he thought. He then noticed a directory sign to the right of him and found a well worn map in an open slot. “According to this I can get out through the warden’s office, and maybe I’ll get lucky enough to find help,” he thought doubtfully. He unfolded the map and scanned it quickly under the flashlight. “2nd Floor, West wing, Room 206,” he muttered to himself. He folded the map back up and slipped it into his pocket. He then walked towards the towering staircase that so many of the dammed had walked before. Leon reached the top of the steps of the first floor and opened the lone door, which contained the cells. Whispers seemed to follow him as he walked through the desolate hall, not sure if they were from the hall itself or inside his head. Reaching another staircase, Leon stopped and with all of his courage, began to climb the next staircase. At the top of the steps he shone the light down the hall until he found Room 206. His heart was pounding and his fingers were trembling as he reached down to turn the knob. Cautiously, he peered in the small room, before entering. “Empty,” he muttered half relieved. Closing the door ever so slightly, he turned to walk towards the large desk that sat in the center of the room. It was very messy as if it had been wrecked in a rage or panic. A broken picture frame lay on the desk which he picked it up. “Weird the picture is missing,” he thought, before setting it down. He then picked up a crumpled piece of notebook paper next to it. Most of it was illegible or scratched out but he was able to make out “White Claudia, switching, different, pay.” It was signed, “Warden Shepherd,” at the bottom. Then in the center of the desk he found a transfer request and several empty prescription pill bottles. “MacReady, Grady, Mason, Morris, Townsend, Pendleton, Sunderland, this must be the reason I was transferred here.” The radio in his pocket began to fuzz again and another song began to play, shattering the silence.

“Well aware I’m a danger to myself

Are you aware I’m a danger to others?

There’s a crack in my soul you thought was a smile

Whatever doesn’t kill you…is gonna leave a scar”

The song cut off but the static remained fuzzing. Suddenly the prison monitors adjacent to the desk clicked on, all at the same angle. It was in a cell block and a prisoner was running frantically in a wild panic. The terrified man made it to a door but it was locked. He stood with his back against the door, screaming and in obvious panic. Leon soon found out why, as a towering creature came towards the man. It was huge, almost human like. It wore a mask and a large raincoat which draped down like a cloak. The mask was split down the middle, half being pure black, the other a pure milk white. Chains were stuck in its back and dragged on the floor like broken wings. It carried a huge sword behind it and it continued its slow pace as it drew closer to the screaming prisoner. It lifted the blade above its head, but as it did the screen went black. “My god…. it’s the monster that haunts my dreams,” Leon said awestruck. He walked back to the desk and began searching it for the boat key. He opened a drawer and managed a weak smile, “I’ll feel a lot safer with this,” he said as he picked up a revolver. Then feeling around the drawer he managed to find a few extra cases of ammo which he pocketed. It was at that moment that his eyes caught shuffling movement in the corner of the room. “Who’s there?” he shouted as he raised the revolver. A low raspy noise began to fill the room and his eyes then met a grotesque sight. A man like creature stumbled out of the shadows. Needles were attached to its fingers and tubes filled with a glowing dark liquid flowed up its arms. The tubes curled up around its head and hung down like a noose. Its jaw was wired shut and he could hear its muffled breathing in the silence. It let out a muffled scream and in an instant the creature was on top of him; it then reared back and stabbed him in the leg. “Ahh!” Leon shouted; he then bashed the gun against the creatures head. Leon stumbled to his feet and aimed the revolver. Squeezing the trigger, he shot the creature several times and blood splattered all over the wall and his face. Breathing heavily, he gawked at the bullet ridden corpse. In the corner of his eyes he saw the monitor’s turn back on. At first the monitor was just static, but soon a black image began to take form. The face of the towering monster was on all of the monitors, staring straight in the camera. Leon stared back into the cold, soulless face. Then as soon as it came, the monitors went black yet again. “This is crazy; whatever is going on isn’t natural at all. I just need to get off this island and hope the rest of the world hasn’t gone crazy like this,” he thought quickly. Practically running to the desk, he fumbled in the last drawer, which contained the boat key. “Yesss!” he thought. Shining the flashlight around the room, he was able to find the emergency exit door in the back of the office, which was luckily still there. He opened it and found himself to be on a rickety stairwell which led down to the docks. A soft rain pattered the ground and the thick fog almost felt as if it was suffocating him. The air was still and completely silent and the sky was a pure black. He unfolded the map and with the blood of the last creature still on his hands found the docks and marked it with a smeared circle. Cautiously, he stepped down the first step and as he did a large creak pierced the air. Gathering up his remaining courage he managed to make it down the stairwell after several tense minutes. Leon soon reached the crumbling docks and he found the boat moored next to it. He slowly advanced down the dock; the rotted wood sagged underneath his feet and each step surely seemed to be the last. He reached the boat and climbed down into it, “Finally I’m getting out of here,” he thought. He reached into his pocket and found the key; he then put it into the ignition. The boat whined a bit and then roared to life. Turning the wheel, he guided the boat across the smooth, black water.

“I don’t know what happened back there, but it’s over now,” he said with a sigh of relief. He sat in the chair of the small boat and then noticed a half open glove box. Opening it he found it contained several letters, which were damp to the touch. Curiosity getting the best of him, he turned the engine off and picked up the letters. He reached into open envelope and pulled out a crumpled letter, it read.

“Dear Dad,

How are you? I miss you so much, but I do enjoy the fresh air. Also I know how protective you are but I met a guy! He’s really nice and makes getting used to my new surroundings so much easier.”

The rest was scratched out and illegible. He then picked up the next one on top which contained no envelope. Most was smeared and illegible but he was able to read,

“Dear Dad,
We’ve moved in together and he proposed! All my dreams have come true. I love you dad.”
He then picked the next one which was slightly crumpled, most was scratched out, but he was able to make out,

“Dear Dad,

…was talking in his sleep again. Sometimes he just stares blankly into space, his eyes hollow. It’s almost like he becomes a whole different person. The other night he was screaming and yelling at me and a couple seconds later he goes right back into talking about our vacation. He seems to switch personalities on and off like a light switch. I still love him though and I always will. I love you dad.”

One final letter lay in the glove box; it was violently open and crumpled. At that moment radio static pierced the air but Leon tuned it out. He unfolded the last piece of paper and read,

“Dear Dad,

I’m leaving Leon. I just can’t take it anymore. We’re close to you in Brahms so it makes me feel somewhat safe that you’re just across the water. I can’t take it any more Dad; Leon flew into another rage last night. He even hit me, threatened to kill me. Then in an instant he acted like nothing had happened. He even had the audacity to ask me what I was doing on the floor. I’m afraid he’s going to kill me. I love you.

Mary Shepherd”

The static grew louder and louder and a song began to ring in the night sky,

“I would have told her then, she was the only thing

That I could love in this dying world, but the simple word "love" itself

Already died and went away

This was never my world, you took the angel away

I'd kill myself to make everybody pay”

The song cut off and soon the familiar screams filled Leon’s head. Abstract images began to form into a motion picture inside his head. “Leon? Why are you looking at me like that?” Mary asked trembling. He said nothing but walked forward with slow deadly intent. “No, please stop!” she screamed. His eyes cold as ice never flickered as he stabbed her in the chest. Drawing out the long knife from her chest, he looked down onto the stained steel, disengaged. She fell to the floor into a pool of her own blood and began to twitch like an insect trodden on. He looked down at her with no hint of mercy, head cocked to the side as if fascinated. When she stopped twitching, he had wrapped her body in the tiled rug, and had dumped her body in the very lake that surrounded him. “No it wasn’t me! I never would have killed her! I loved her!” he screamed to the heavens. He looked down at his hands; they were stained red with blood. He sank to his knees and buried his hands into his face, sobbing. Tears streamed down his cheeks and he choked out regret. Still sputtering he got to his feet and began to hear a metallic clicking. To his horror he saw another creature climbing into the boat. It came from the water and was dripping wet. It was female like and had metal claws fused to its hands. The creature was water logged and smelled of rot, a Glasgow smile cut into its face. The two stared each other down for a while before the creature let out a piercing shriek. It lunged onto Leon, wrapping its claws around him. “No, get off of me!” he shouted. The creature continued to scream and pulled him towards the side of the boat. “No, no!” Leon shouted. It plunged them both into the abyss; down they went into the black void, as one. He struggled for several minutes before his eyes and ears began to pop and his head felt like it would explode. Then his mind went blank.

His eyesight slowly came into focus. Sweltering heat bore down onto his entire body. “Where am I? Am I dead” he thought with a twinge of hope. His heart sank when he realized that he was back in the prison. “This can’t be!” he thought. The prison seemed to be plunging into another world. The once solid metal walls were now gone, as replaced by iron grates and bars. The once concrete floor was now nothing more than metal grates with flames underneath that rose out and licked at his entire body. The grates were charred black from the intense heat that the flames produced and as he sat up, heard them crunch underneath his weight. He got to his feet in awe, which quickly turned into terror when he saw the towering creature striding towards him. Panicking, Leon ran towards the great staircase; the creature continued its slow and deliberate pace behind him. Leon reached the top of the steps and pushed through the door. He ran down the long hallway trying to escape. Water streamed down the walls and the screams once again filled his head that had haunted him for so long. He fell face down onto the metal grate, and looked up at the raging fires. The ground shook and he knew that the creature would soon be upon him. It strode towards him with its blank face fixated onto him. It raised its great knife above its head but Leon managed to duck out of the way as it came down. He got to his feet and ran to the end of the hallway. The monster just stood, watching him, as he slammed the heavy door shut. He fumbled with the lock for a while before managing to lock it. Leon breathed a weak sigh of relief before looking around the room. When he did he noticed that it was very small and contained nothing but walls made of mirrors. The radio static began to fuzz once again and another song filled the air,

“So now I’m picking my skin and my scales
I see my horror, mirrored in your sundown of a blank stare
Eat me, drink me
This is only a game”

Leon walked to one of the mirrors and stared back into his ghostly white face. The image began to change and distort and turned into the face of the monster. It flickered back and forth between his white face and the mask. It finally settled on one image. Half of Leon’s white face and half of the monster’s black mask lay plastered onto the mirror. It was then he came to a horrible realization, “My god…I am the monster...I think I get it. I have to face my demons…”

He turned the revolver over in his hands and began to load the chamber. Trembling, he walked to the door and unlocked it. The door swung open and he faced the demon. “I get it now,” he shouted, “we are one, but you are the part of me that killed Mary.” Eyes streaming with tears he continued, “this ends now I want you gone!” It made no attempt to attack and Leon raised the revolver and unloaded the chamber into it. It fell forward with a loud thud and the grates gave a loud crunch. They began to creak and gave way under its weight. The corpse fell into the fire and as if into the center of earth itself. “It’s gone…I remember everything now…Mary I’m so sorry,” he thought. He turned around and found that the mirror room was gone and the hallway now extended further to another door. The hall continued to get hotter and hotter as the flames began to overtake the metal grates. He knew what lay on the other side of the door as he had one final demon to face. Loading the chamber, and walking to the door, he pushed it open, and found himself to be back in the courtyard. The giant fence was now engulfed in flames that rained down burning ash onto the earth. The concrete ground was now several metal grates with flames twisting below. The sky was as if set ablaze; orange, red, and yellow stretched across the horizon. Leon then met the gaze of who was standing on the other side of the courtyard, Mary Shepherd.

“Why’d you kill me Leon?” she asked in a melancholic voice. “Mary…it wasn’t me. I loved you…please…forgive me.” She continued, “You have to pay for your sins,” Leon then fell to his knees, “please make it stop,” he begged. “You have to pay for your sins,” she repeated. She leaned her head back and her body split open and began to transform. Leon was once again staring into the dead, clouded eyes of the creature from the boat. Reeling back with a piercing scream she ran towards him, with intent to kill. Eyes burning with tears, he raised the gun and pulled the trigger. She fell to the ground at his feet. “I…am so sorry…I love you,” He choked out. He dropped to his knees and cradled her in his arms. He then kissed the cold barrel of the revolver and pulled the trigger. He slumped over with her still in his arms as the grate gave way. The two plunged into the fire...

“Doctor he’s waking up!” Eyes out of focus and senses running wild, it took him a moment to realize he was in the prison hospital. “What? What’s happening?” Leon asked the doctor wildly. “You've been in a coma for several days, you’re lucky to be alive. When we found you, you were convulsing violently and twitching uncontrollably. We ran some tests and found traces of the powerful hallucinogenic drug, White Claudia, in your system and in the food that you’d been eating.” The doctor put his hand on his shoulder, “get some rest and we’ll check back in a while. You are very lucky to be alive son” The doctor and nurse left Leon sitting there dumbfounded. “So it wasn't real,” he thought. “…But what I did to Mary was real…Marry I’m so sorry.” Rubbing his wet eyes he raised them and to his horror, they were met with the figure of his dead fiancée. “This isn't possible! You’re dead!” he screamed. She came towards him with a smile on her face. “Stay away! Stay awa…” he fell silent. The life support system began to flat line and still smiling the figure faded away. As she did a man entered the room and walked over to the bedside.

“I told myself, if it was the last thing I ever did, I’d make you pay,” the warden said to Leon’s corpse. At that moment, doctors and nurses rushed in with another gurney. “We’re losing them!” the doctor shouted. They pushed the gurney next to Leon and began CPR on both men. After many frantic minutes, the doctor finally said in defeat, “It’s too late, they’re gone.” Warden Shepherd walked back over the two gurneys and stared down at his own body. Then looking up he saw a bright white light, and made out a silhouette of a young woman who called out, “Dad!” Closing his eyes, he accepted the transition. He felt his feet rise off the ground and he rose into the light.

March 14th, 2014, 03:55 AM

March 15th, 2014, 03:26 AM
bump? Ah I guess it's no good then.

March 15th, 2014, 04:01 AM
Truth be told, what it is, IMHO, is not "no good" but longish and dense typographically. I have started through it with the intent of commenting and critiquing a couple of times, but it is too long for me to work through quickly and too good to give it easy suggestions, but still it is not so splendid and spot on with what I like for me to just rave about it (which really wouldn't do much good from an improvement point of view). Truth be told, while the paragraph breaks don't strike me as wrong in any grammatical way, the paragraphs are too long to read easily on a screen. I suspect that others are in the same boat.

Look, I am a newby, but I have already been there. I have posted work and received views without comments, and then I realized that posting 3k+ words (in my case) was not conducive to reading and critiquing in the forum format.

March 15th, 2014, 04:08 AM
Too much too fast. In slient hill you litterally run for like twenty minutes before anything happens. I am not saying you should do nothing for twenty minutes, but I am saying give us that creepy misty vibe. That, what could happen feeling rising from our gut, then crash down the the water dripping walls and the terror stricken characters. Just a suggestion.

March 15th, 2014, 01:15 PM
This is incredibly dense, and, as a person who doesn't play Silent Hill, very confusing.

I'm having trouble moving from the dream sequences to real life. I also have trouble reading/watching media with depictions of people burning due to personal past experiences. I'm trying to take this a bit at a time because of those difficulties but because of that it's losing the creepy vibe you're trying for.

Also, there is very little setting description to give it a sense of reality--I don't see the fog because it's not described. I didn't see a vast lake because the character doesn't see it. Remember, the setting can be as much a character as the narrator and as such it can set the scene for the horror or even become the horror.

As a horror piece I think this has potential to be truly creepy but, because of the difficulties I mentioned before, it loses its effect. The fact that I kept coming back after the first "burning" dream is a testament to your ability. Keep it up.