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Jake Creamer
March 12th, 2014, 03:06 AM
I tried my best, I really did, but I just kept getting distracted. He talked and talked, how we all had certain feelings and instincts built into our deep minds. How due to my inability to remember things, and with my expressed fight for justice, I fit an archetype called “the Fisher King”. As he spoke, he seemed to swim in and out of focus, and his voice reduced to a kind of humming that kept droning along in the background.

My eyes kept catching the golden beams of light that knifed through the mahogany slats in the blinds, dust motes whirling like ecstatic sufis to a chant that I could almost understand. The murmur of his voice and his oddly rounded vowels floated through my consciousness like a childs soap bubbles. The flickering of the light took me into an odd state of relaxation, and memories came from somewhere.

While he spoke, it seemed to me that his very talk of dreams being direct utterances of the unconscious, caused the visions that my mind put forth. I saw ages past, smelled scents that I somehow knew were not actually on the air, heard the clamor of battle ringing bright and steely. I saw warriors of many times, all falling before me. I fought with axe, sword, and fist. I fought through water and fire, through flurries of snow and blasts of freezing rain. I fought in bright day and inky night, still I fought. On a broad beach I shook a spear and charged with my comrades into an overwhelming mass of men. On a snowy stair that ascended a steep mountainside, I stood with my brothers against barbarians who shot unceasing flights of arrows into us. I smelled burning rope and tar on a hardwood deck, the salty sea stinging my eyes.

Always before me were my bloodied hands grasping a weapon, but never could I see the true purpose for my fighting. I knew somehow, deep in my core that I fought for right and honor. Whose right, whose honor? These things I did not know.

Farther and farther, deeper and deeper, the light flickering, the voice humming, and I saw him. My fathers bearded face, his deep voice instructing me. Teaching how to punch, how to keep my hands in front of my face always. He opened his mouth strangely wide and said, “Synchronicity can be described as a series of temporally coincident occurrences of acausal events.”

Confused, I shook my head, and the doctor looked straight through me. “Perhaps that is enough for today, I see that you are having trouble maintaining your focus.”

Jake Creamer
March 14th, 2014, 07:01 PM
I forgot to mention that any feedback would be more than welcome.

TMFlynn
March 19th, 2014, 06:49 AM
This is great stuff. At first I was jarred by the passive nature of the piece, but the reveal at the end brought that full circle. Some lovely descriptions although it could do with a little stripping down in places for rhythm's sake. It would be interesting to make the narrator's voice a little more off kilter too. We have an intellectual in therapy and a confusing displacement. Make it weirder. You could also fiddle with the structure slightly. Perhaps seed part of the doctor's dialogue in and out of paragraphs. The character is passively reacting to the doctor at the beginning. The doctor is almost a ghost in the piece. But what if the occasional word or phrase broke through, underlining what he is thinking about. Just a thought. What you have done is create an interesting psychological mystery. In a further draft you might find ways to further that mystery.

A couple of redundancies as I see them - 'humming that kept droning' and 'he opened his mouth strangely wide' (strangely is a useless adverb at the best of time and in the context of a mouth opening... I would urge you to lose it).

I enjoyed what I read and I would love to read more. Hope you get more feedback too.

A_Jones
March 19th, 2014, 02:37 PM
Very interesting! I would like to know more about this piece. I love the imagery, the feel. You lull me into a stupor with your words. :)

bazz cargo
March 29th, 2014, 11:18 PM
Hi Jake,
I enjoyed this. A different pace than usual, more reflective rather than full on experience. Good imagery.

AJ has done a great job on the nits.

Is this an opening? A tease maybe. It does have a 'calm before the storm' feel.

Ta for sharing
Bazz

Hitotsmami
March 31st, 2014, 11:08 PM
I really enjoyed this. You had some really nice imagery going. I could really feel the disconnect from the protagonist to his father as he talked, though I couldn't help to want to know what exactly his father was saying as well, haha. Overall, great job!

Jake Creamer
April 6th, 2014, 03:27 AM
Thanks all! I've written these little vignettes for character development, and as hooks in the novel I'm working on. Part of the reason why they are all so microscopic. Thank you very much for the compliments. I really feel like this forum is definitely helping me become a better writer. I don't want to over use them, so I'm thinking in the course of about 250 pages, I only want three, four at the most. Right now, of course, I have about seven. LOL

TMFlynn I was trying to convey the feeling of hypnosis, I understand that I can be too wordy, or break the flow up. I was wondering if you could point me to where you felt the flow broke, or stuttered.

AMiller
July 20th, 2014, 09:01 PM
I like this because of my ability to connect with the main character, I also have a memory problem. I kept reading because of this, and I kept reading because it was sort of dim, still, and uncomfortable, which I like when it's done well.

nerdybynature
August 14th, 2014, 05:27 PM
Haha!! loved the ending and great writing. Within a short amount of time you were able to build a very real connection with the character, and also create a sense of wonder, of whether his imaginings or of some past life and hold some inadvertent meaning, or if it was just the wild thoughts of a man with a truly horrible attention span. His nonchalant attitude also gives more substance to his persona as well and has the potential to create subtle humorous dialog, like the doctor realizing he was completely oblivious to what he was talking about. Good stuff