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Sage Celestine
March 9th, 2014, 10:53 PM
No one must know what I am writing of.

thepancreas11
March 14th, 2014, 02:24 PM
A little cliche, but the hook works. I mean when someone comes darting at you from their lane, a lot of things go through your mind. I'm sure a lot of people can relate to that, those few, heart-pounding seconds where you're not sure what's going to happen next. I myself can think of times that I've had to pull of to the side of the road to collect myself. I think the beginning to any good book does one of two things: either provides enough action or intrigue to sustain the reader, or gives them a relatable character. You seem to have done a bit of both here, really.

The narrator has a very clear voice, too. There's an ethereal, natural quality to the speech (and maybe that's just because I'm imagining lotus blossoms falling from the sky), but it fits the story you're building here. It would be even more believable with a consistent tense to hold it. You switch a couple of times in the first two paragraphs from past to present and back to past. Don't do that.

Also, try to cut down on the exposition. There's a hell of a lot of explanation and story telling right in the middle of an action sequence. Flash something before his eyes, don't blind him with it. He's so focused on this car coming in the other direction, or at least he should be, and instead, he's all over those past memories. If you're going to lead with action, then make action the centerpiece. Explanation can come later, and it should be spread thinly across the entire piece so that we don't think we're reading it.

Make the transition to the flashback more dramatic so that we know what's going on, so that we know exactly why it's been triggered and where it's taking us.

Other than that, well done. Revise!

InkyEdits
March 14th, 2014, 03:57 PM
The title of this opening to your fictional piece was the first thing to grab my attention as I was browsing each of the threads, as well as it having only one other review. I love the Japanese culture an enormous amount and the scenery you described, though brief, was lovely. With this being the opening to your book — I think it reads very well and it has the power to draw in a reader with what you actually have happening. That moment when we face possible death, though in most cases does not last an awfully long time, is something that causes our heart to leap up into our throats and that in itself is a terrifying feeling. I think you wrote this very well and I would love someday, whenever your book is complete, to continue reading.

Sage Celestine
March 15th, 2014, 02:40 PM
A little cliche, but the hook works. I mean when someone comes darting at you from their lane, a lot of things go through your mind. I'm sure a lot of people can relate to that, those few, heart-pounding seconds where you're not sure what's going to happen next. I myself can think of times that I've had to pull of to the side of the road to collect myself. I think the beginning to any good book does one of two things: either provides enough action or intrigue to sustain the reader, or gives them a relatable character. You seem to have done a bit of both here, really.

The narrator has a very clear voice, too. There's an ethereal, natural quality to the speech (and maybe that's just because I'm imagining lotus blossoms falling from the sky), but it fits the story you're building here. It would be even more believable with a consistent tense to hold it. You switch a couple of times in the first two paragraphs from past to present and back to past. Don't do that.

Also, try to cut down on the exposition. There's a hell of a lot of explanation and story telling right in the middle of an action sequence. Flash something before his eyes, don't blind him with it. He's so focused on this car coming in the other direction, or at least he should be, and instead, he's all over those past memories. If you're going to lead with action, then make action the centerpiece. Explanation can come later, and it should be spread thinly across the entire piece so that we don't think we're reading it.

Make the transition to the flashback more dramatic so that we know what's going on, so that we know exactly why it's been triggered and where it's taking us.

Other than that, well done. Revise!

Originally the beginning wasn't going to be as exciting, but I thought the immediate life and death situation would prove to be a great hook, line, and sinker.

When you say Lotus blossoms do you mean Sakura blossoms? Also I had someone telling me earlier that the tenses are what people commonly mess up on.

This is just the rough draft so it'll definitely have some editing done later!


The title of this opening to your fictional piece was the first thing to grab my attention as I was browsing each of the threads, as well as it having only one other review. I love the Japanese culture an enormous amount and the scenery you described, though brief, was lovely. With this being the opening to your book I think it reads very well and it has the power to draw in a reader with what you actually have happening. That moment when we face possible death, though in most cases does not last an awfully long time, is something that causes our heart to leap up into our throats and that in itself is a terrifying feeling. I think you wrote this very well and I would love someday, whenever your book is complete, to continue reading.

Thank you for the review, I only recently became interested in other cultures and their histories, when I finish the book I'll be sure to tell you :p

A_Jones
March 15th, 2014, 02:52 PM
Goodness I feel like the word hater, too many unnessisary word here. I feel like you waist space on poi tless words that you could be using to give more feel to the character and environment. I like your subjectmatter. I love japanese culture (nihongo oh hanashimas!) So I am interested in what is coming. Please go back through and edit out those words and phrases. I promise it will read so much better.

Posted on my phone.

Red Aura
March 15th, 2014, 08:43 PM
First off, I really like your piece. I think that you have the right balance of action and exposition to bring the reader into your story. One of the things that you'll always hear in writing workshops is the concept of the first page. Many believe that the first page of any story is the most important since it sets the tone for the rest of the story. I believe this myself. I can't count how many times I've been put off by the first page of a book. Admittedly, that is not to say that it should be the only basis for judging a book but it is an important one, especially when first impressions are concerned. This brings me to my first point and that is transition: the temporal, spatial, or logical transition of a piece should not break the "flow" of the narrative. It could be just me, but I felt that there were too many characters introduced all at once. I like to think of transition as a sequence of scenes in a movie. If a movie started with the protagonist in some conflict, we would naturally want to see how he/she ended up in this ordeal and we would only want to be introduced to the characters relevant to the scene at hand. In your piece, however, you mentioned his ex-best friend and his ex-girlfriend from high school but outside of a minor comment about bad advice, those two characters do not factor in to the protagonist's (or POV character's) situation. The relevant character are introduced later on: Daichi.

As far as exposition, it's really a matter of style. Some authors (and readers) love lengthy depictions of ambiance and feeling, and others do not. Some adopt Chekov and Hemingway's philosophies while others gravitate towards Faulkner. Over time, you will develop your own unique style and that's what's important, but like thepancreas11 stated: Revise, because revision is your best friend!

Good Luck!

ShadowEyes
March 26th, 2014, 02:37 AM
I feel like the detail is a little cluttered, a bit cramped, for such a fast-paced start. Admittedly, it could use more description. Or, you could keep it concise. I think that it's important to, first of all, set the scene. I need to know what I'm looking at in order to feel impending danger. It's like how watching a scary movie is much scarier in the dark, when you know what the character knows (at least a bit) beforehand.

For instance, I think of The Golden Compass opening that has always stuck with me, with Lyra and Pantalaimon are sneaking, yes, sneaking, so danger! Maybe he's driving too fast because he's angry... This, I believe, would also set up to explain the landscape, how the near-collision is set up. I immediately imagined a cliff and a drop-off, or, two sheer cliff-faces, like through a mountain on a highway. The driving bit reminds me of Misery, by Stephen King.

His remembering the teacher bit is something everyone can relate to. The second paragraph where he thinks to himself makes his mental state clearer, and the flashback was a good set-up for it.

The sentence that starts with "Of course" could use a bit of editing. I love the Daichi's dialogue bit. It's a great explanation, including Daichi's arrival. I like the story a lot. It has potential to be full of character drama, wild road-trips, coffee-induced writing fantasies[?]. But most importantly, I hope to be able to visualize it all.

I hope you keep going!