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View Full Version : Adventure of an American Girl in Ancient China 23



xlwoo
March 8th, 2014, 04:12 PM
Chapter 24

She walked through a village after a village, a town after a town, a city after a city, in the direction the sun set. One day in the evening she reached a reclusive big house, owned by a wealthy family. The nearest neighbor was five li (about two miles) away. She lodged in it. The hostess was very nice to her. After supper, the hostess asked a favor of Linda.
“What’s it?” Linda inquired, “I don’t know if I can do it.”
“Sure, you can do it, or I won’t ask.” said the hostess. Linda waited for her to go on. “I have a son, who is seriously sick.”
Linda’s heart thumped wildly. She feared that the woman would ask her to marry her sick son like in another case she had witnessed.
“Sorry, I can’t marry your sick son.” She ejaculated.
“I’ve never thought of it. I won’t ask a stranger to marry my son. That’s not what I will ask you for the favor.”
“Then what’s it?”
“Have you heard of fox genie, who often turns into a pretty girl and runs after boys?”
Linda had certainly heard of it during the time she lived in China, though she did not believe it.
“When a fox genie finds a boy she likes, she will come into his bedroom every night, assuming the form of a beautiful girl and has sex with him. How can a boy refuse a beautiful girl? Even if he rejects, the fox genie will succeed, using her magic power. The problem is that the fox genie sucks excessive sperm from the boy. We believe sperm is the essence of a boy’s life. If sperm is all gone, the boy will die. This is the case with my son. It began almost half a year ago and my son looks like a skeleton now.”
“Why does the fox genie want to suck sperm? What’s the use for her?”
“I don’t know, but it is said that human sperm can prolong the life of a fox genie.” Then she added jokingly, “You can ask the fox genie herself if she comes.”
“What can I do? I don’t have any magic power to drive the fox genie away.” Linda observed.
“You don’t need to do anything. Just sit in my son’s bedroom.”
“What’s the use for me to sit there?” Linda wondered.
“It is said that if a girl’s with the boy, the fox genie won’t have sex with him before a girl.”
“If that’s so easy, I can do it.” Linda agreed in earnest. She did want to save the boy’s life.
“Thank you very much. You only need to sit there during the night. You can do whatever you like during the daytime.”
“What if I fall asleep while sitting there?”
“I don’t know. We’ll see if you do. It’s time now. Let’s go.”
The woman led Linda into the boy’s bedroom and introduced her to her son, who acknowledged by a slight nod of his head. The boy lay in bed and looked really skinny. When the woman told her son about her plan, he did not say anything and shut his eyes.
The furniture in this room consisted of a single bed with a large canopy over it, a table with two chairs at either side of it by the window, a cabinet against one wall by the headboard side and some trunks, one on top of another, against the opposite wall.
The bed curtains on this side of the canopy were generally hooked up in the day and let down at night when the boy was sleeping. But that night the curtains could not be let down because Linda sat in the room and watched over him to see whether the fox genie would come to have sex with him or not.
Linda took her seat at the table by the window. There was a candle in the center of the table. Presently the woman left. Linda just sat there. She could do nothing in the candle light, which was so dim, compared with the electric lights Linda had been used to in America.
Linda felt sleepy after midnight, but she did not dare even to doze off. She was a responsible girl. Once she promised to do something, she must keep her promise. If in America, she could have drunk some coffee to keep her staying awake, but now in China, in the sixteenth century, no coffee was available. She pinched her left arm hard with her right hand so that the pain would drive her drowsiness away.
Soon it dawned and nothing happened overnight. Linda had been told that she could leave the bedroom at daybreak. So she went to her own bedroom for some sleep. When she woke up, it was early afternoon. She got up and got into her dress. A maid came in with washing water and then came again with food. When she was eating, the hostess came in and waited for her to finish.
“Anything happened last night?” She inquired.
“Nothing.” Linda replied laconically.
“Thank you very much for your help.” The woman was really grateful.
Linda bade her farewell and wanted to leave. But the woman importuned her to stay longer.
“Oh, my good girl, you can’t leave like that. You must stay till my son’s recovered.” The woman was almost in tears.
“Madam, why don’t you send a maid in?” Linda had had the question turning in her mind all night. She thought that if a girl like herself could keep away the fox genie, any girl could do it.
“The maid is so young. She’s only thirteen. When I wanted to send her in, she was so frightened that she almost fainted. How could I force her for that?” She explained. "When I asked you for the favor, you didn’t faint, nor refused. So I think you are the right person. If you can stay, say, for a month, the fox genie can have no more chance to come and may find someone else. Once the fox genie stops coming, my son will get well soon.”
It seemed a life and death problem. She could not harden her heart to refuse the request. So she stayed. “I’m working night shift.” She said to herself.
Sometimes she felt her eyelids so heavy and could not help dozing off for a few minutes. When she opened her eyes, everything was the same, all quiet. It meant that the fox genie did not take the advantage to come. Linda wished that she could see a fox genie and ask her why she wanted to suck a boy’s sperm.
One night she planned to have some sleep, not just to doze off, so as to give the fox genie more time that she might see one when she woke up. But her scheme was wasted. Nothing had happened. She doubted if there was really a fox genie in existence.
During the month, the boy got gradually recovered. The mother thanked Linda profusely.
“Ah, my good girl, you can stay here as long as you like if you don’t have anywhere to go. Make it your home.” The woman said honestly.
Linda thought that she could hide here safely. So she stayed willingly.
Soon the boy got totally well anew. He was eighteen now and was educated at home under the private tutorship of a learned scholar, who was staying with the family. The textbooks at that time were all classics, including literature and poetry. There were no physics and chemistry, no algebra and geometry. Sometimes pupils were taught how to add and subtract and asked to memorize the multiplication table.
Boys of eighteen already knew sex, but in ancient China boys and girls should strictly keep a polite distance between them. Their marriage was decided by parents. They could not see each other until after the wedding ceremony. Then they began to know each other, understand each other and then deliberately fall in love with each other, if they could. If they fitted each other in all respects, they were a lucky pair and would live happily ever after. If not, they would often quarrel. The strange thing was that the husband could divorce the wife and send her back to the home of her parents, but not vice versa.
Since boys could not easily approach girls, once they were in a secret contact with one, they were like a piece of dry wood that easily caught fire. That was why the son could not refuse the induction of the fox genie in the form of a beautiful girl.
One night after dinner, the woman invited Linda to sit for a while in her bedroom. She wanted to have a tête-à-tête with Linda.
“Where are your parents, if you don’t mind my asking?” The woman began.
“I’m alone here.”
“So you are an orphan?”
“Almost.”
“You never got married, I guess?” She wanted to make sure that the girl was still a virgin.
“Of course not.”
“Do you like my son?” In ancient China people never said the word “love” referring to the relationship between the opposite sex.
From her experience Linda knew from the beginning where the conversation would lead to. So she replied readily, “I won’t marry your son.”
The woman knew that she could not force it on her and so dropped the heart-to-heart talk and let Linda go. Linda bade her good night and went back to her own bedroom. She lay in bed, but could not fall into sleep right away. She sank into reverie.
“Why do people always want me to marry their sons when I lodge in their houses?” She asked herself, but could get no answer. She was tired of it. She decided to set out on her aimless journey again tomorrow morning.
However, when she told the woman that she would depart after breakfast and thanked her for the hospitality, the woman asked her to stay one day more because she would marry the maid to her son so that the fox genie would not return to bother him.
“Good idea!” Linda said and complied with her invitation. That night a hasty wedding was held, but the maid was only a concubine. The boy could still marry another girl of the same social status and of equal wealth as wife.
Early next day Linda took leave of the woman and her family.

J.J. Maxx
March 8th, 2014, 07:22 PM
Well, since this is Chapter 24, I can only comment on what I am reading here and assume any backstory.


She walked through a village after a village, a town after a town, a city after a city, in the direction the sun set. One day in the evening she reached a reclusive big house, owned by a wealthy family. The nearest neighbor was five li (about two miles) away. She lodged in it. The hostess was very nice to her. After supper, the hostess asked a favor of Linda.


First of all, there is a lot of telling here where there could be some showing. Instead of giving us a step by step list of her actions, tell us what she sees, what she feels, and some sense of surroundings. Something like this:

The sound of her footsteps on the dirt road had become a drumbeat, matching the rhythm of her heart. She passed a sign and didn't even bother to read it. Another town or village that would share her presence for such small moments as to not even matter. They had all been the same as she walked on and on, her face feeling the warmth of the setting sun.

See? Get inside her head, and show us things that tell us what you want. If she is tired, don't say 'Linda was tired.', say 'Her legs wobbled as she walked, bravely pushing her body forward mile after mile.'

Also, the word 'reclusive' is usually used to describe people, not objects. If you said reclusive to mean there wasn't any other houses nearby, then you repeated yourself in the next sentence. Perhaps something like, 'An ominous looking house on the edge of town.'




“What’s it?” Linda inquired, “I don’t know if I can do it.”


“Sure, you can do it, or I won’t ask.” said the hostess. Linda waited for her to go on. “I have a son, who is seriously sick.”


Linda’s heart thumped wildly. She feared that the woman would ask her to marry her sick son like in another case she had witnessed.


“Sorry, I can’t marry your sick son.” She ejaculated.


“I’ve never thought of it. I won’t ask a stranger to marry my son. That’s not what I will ask you for the favor.”


“Then what’s it?”


“Have you heard of fox genie, who often turns into a pretty girl and runs after boys?”


Is English your first language? I only ask because saying 'What's it?' is strange because it should be 'What is it?'. Also, I would change the tag, 'She ejaculated.' Not quite sure what you were going for here, but with subject of sperm about to be introduced, it sets the wrong tone.Wherever possible, stick to using 'He said' or 'She said' when necessary and remember that when two people are talking back and forth, it's not that necessary. ;)

Finally, I would suggest brushing up on your dialogue tagging and punctuation, because you faltered in more than a few places.

It should be this:

"What is it?" Linda asked. "I don't know if I can do it."

There should be a full stop after your tag because the sentence isn't continuing.

Also here:

"Sure you can do it, or I wouldn't ask," said the hostess.

Comma here, because you're adding a dialogue tag and it's not a question. Also remember that 'she said' isn't capitalized when used as a tag.

This is an interesting piece and I am curious about the first 23 Chapters, but there are a few little bumps and bugs that need to be corrected before moving forward and may require editing of the previous chapters as well. Nice job!

Good luck and keep writing! I look forward to more writing in the future.

Cheers.

~ J. J.

xlwoo
March 15th, 2014, 02:25 PM
thanks for your valuable opinion. English is my second language.