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glenn84
March 7th, 2014, 05:51 AM
Link to story: https://docs.google.com/file/d/0BxWwFMqwH2E8M09ibXlNWnY2Vlk/edit

iron_aufschlag
March 7th, 2014, 05:13 PM
Wow that was really good! I liked it. Except in the beginning two paragraphs the story goes nowhere. The gay paragraph! What was that for? Two guys kissed eachother? He likes him as a brother!
"“What do you mean you can’t get him to talk to me?”

David went to the back of the truck and grabbed a box of booze. Ryan grabbed one of his own and followed him inside the bar."

And then he goes into the girl's apartment in the next paragraph!
“You wanna come inside for a cup of tea or something?”
He smiled inside. “Sure.”

I would recommend doing away entirely with these two scenes. We understand the two guys are close because one of them saved the other from being killed. No need to make the guy bisexual.
And later on in the story Ryan and Michelle have enough sex as it is.
Only other minor thing on noted was below:
"Ryan nodded, held out his arm. Hacker wrapped the rubber band tight, tapped his arm with his fingers, then cooked up a pinch of heroin on a blackened spoon with his lighter. He stuck the needle in, brought it up eye level, and jabbed it into his arm."
If you read it one way it looks like Hacker is the one jabbing himself. Minor thing really, compared to the bisexual stuff... although if your market is bisexual guys then go ahead! But your market is limited.

Anyway it's a really interesting premise with the augmentation and Ryan being an ex-cop with a lie detector! I totally didn't see that ending coming.

Stefan

glenn84
March 7th, 2014, 09:17 PM
Thanks for reading, Stefan, and I'm glad you liked the story.

Ryan and David aren't really bisexual. He was just excited that he would try and get the Musician to talk to him, so he hugged him and kissed him on the cheek. He loves him, not in an intimate way, but as a brother of sorts.

As for the part where Hacker jabs him with the reader, you're absolutely right. I think I'll put Ryan in place of "his" to make it more clear.

Thanks again.

iron_aufschlag
March 8th, 2014, 04:47 AM
Well I have a brother and I can tell you we don't do that lol... and I don't know any who do. I did, however, live in Italy for four years and I can tell you that cheek kissing is a form of greeting. Now if these two guys were Italian, which they aren't (from their names), it wouldn't be out of place. Or maybe it is a fashion trend of the future to be cheek kissers. Either way, you cannot let the reader go along making such assumptions because the only possible explanation for Ryan and David is either they are gay or bisexual... not that I have anything against that... but I don't think your story is going towards that end if you know what I mean.

glenn84
March 8th, 2014, 05:06 AM
Well I have a brother and I can tell you we don't do that lol... and I don't know any who do. I did, however, live in Italy for four years and I can tell you that cheek kissing is a form of greeting. Now if these two guys were Italian, which they aren't (from their names), it wouldn't be out of place. Or maybe it is a fashion trend of the future to be cheek kissers. Either way, you cannot let the reader go along making such assumptions because the only possible explanation for Ryan and David is either they are gay or bisexual... not that I have anything against that... but I don't think your story is going towards that end if you know what I mean.

You may be right. I think I'll just cut it out then.

glenn84
March 8th, 2014, 06:10 AM
How augmented implants might really look like: http://urlybits.com/2012/07/sight-a-scary-look-at-the-future-of-augmented-reality-implants-and-projects-like-google-glass/