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View Full Version : The Million dollar shot!



Ethan
March 6th, 2014, 05:42 PM
Gaining access unobserved hadn’t been easy. The priest, although elderly, still had his wits about him. It wasn’t until he was distracted by a quite attractive brunette entering the confessional that the opportunity presented itself. Brady slipped swiftly and unobtrusively into the nearby vestry and from there up the Clock tower steps as the confessional door softly clicked shut. The exertion of sprinting up four hundred steps carrying a heavily padded holdall proved more restrictive than he had anticipated and Brady was sweating profusely by the time he exited onto the terrace.
Pushing open the door he dropped to his knees, crawling the two metres to the parapet of the tower. Brady pulled his holdall close and withdrew an 20 X 80 scope from its case, setting it carefully on the ground beside him.
Grunting with the effort,he turned slowly as he pulled himself to his knees and peeked over the edge.
Far below, the first of what he already knew would be a sizeable crowd, were beginning to gather. He quickly sat down, back to the wall and knees drawn up as he measured his breathing. He knew he had only one shot, two would expose his position.
As Brady settled down to wait, his mind flashed to the meeting with the Sheik and he remembered the intensity of his eyes, when he named the price and gave his promise.
At two o’clock the bells chimed, snapping him out of his reverie, and sitting close, he grimaced at the volume. The crowd below had now swollen to line both sides of the street five deep, and from the excited applause he knew the Cortege had just turned into Church Lane. Brady took a deep breath and pressed start on his stopwatch.
From the office block opposite Brady caught the glint of sunlight reflected from the roof and peering through his scope he could clearly see the Police marksman scanning nearby rooftops. He ducked down and leaned close to the wall.
Brady checked his watch, thirty seconds more. He opened his holdall and withdrew the metal pipe first, then the pistol grip snapping the two together with practised precision. He glanced one last time at his watch as he slid, back to the wall, into a squatting position keeping his head just below the parapet. He listened closely and as the door of the Queen's limousine opened the spontaneous burst of applause from the crowd signalled Brady it was time.
Knowing every eye in the crowd would instinctively be drawn to the Queen as she exited the car, Brady stood up quickly and leaning out over the edge, swung his pistol grip into position and squeezed the trigger. In one fluid movement the grabbing mechanism opened and closed as it plucked the Peregrine Falcon egg from its precarious nest.
He was back behind the parapet before the Queen had turned to acknowledge the applauding crowd. He held up the egg and smiled at his million dollar payday.

Kepharel
March 6th, 2014, 09:08 PM
I loved it. The misdirection was total for me. I was gripped from the first couple of sentences even though my presumption was just another assassination story. The pace was good and tension built quickly. Really nice.

dvspec
March 14th, 2014, 04:02 PM
Over all, I thought this was great. I do have some questions and comments though. Why is he doing this when the security would be so high? Wouldn't things be locked down more?

Gaining access unobserved hadn’t been easy. The priest, although elderly, still had his wits about him. It wasn’t until he was distracted by a quite attractive brunette entering the confessional that the opportunity presented itself. Brady slipped swiftly and unobtrusively into the nearby vestry and from there up the Clock (why capitalized?) tower steps as the confessional door softly clicked shut. The exertion of sprinting up four hundred steps carrying a heavily padded holdall proved more restrictive than he had anticipated and Brady was sweating profusely by the time he exited onto the terrace. (Needs more trembling legs and such.)
Pushing open the door he dropped to his knees, crawling the two metres to the parapet of the tower. Brady pulled his holdall close and withdrew an (should be "a") 20 X 80 scope from its case, setting it carefully on the ground beside him. (Why?)
Grunting with the effort,he turned slowly as he pulled himself to his knees and peeked over the edge. (Why is he grunting?)
Far below, the first of what he already knew would be a sizeable crowd, were beginning to gather. He quickly sat down, back to the wall and knees drawn up as he measured his breathing. He knew he had only one shot, two would expose his position.
As Brady settled down to wait, his mind flashed to the meeting with the Sheik and he remembered the intensity of his eyes, when he named the price and gave his promise. (This line is confusing, who's eyes? Who named the price?)
At two o’clock the bells chimed, snapping him out of his reverie, and sitting close, he grimaced at the volume. (I think this would be a much more unpleasant experience. The bells would vibrate through his body. Think loud music at a concert.) The crowd below had now swollen to line both sides of the street five deep, and from the excited applause he knew the Cortege had just turned into Church Lane. Brady took a deep breath and pressed start on his stopwatch.
From the office block opposite Brady caught the glint of sunlight reflected from the roof (I read this as reflecting from the building. Maybe he notices movement.) and peering through his scope he could clearly see the Police marksman scanning nearby rooftops. He ducked down and leaned close to the wall.
Brady checked his watch, thirty seconds more. He opened his holdall and withdrew the metal pipe first, then the pistol grip snapping the two together with practised precision. He glanced one last time at his watch as he slid, (no comma) back to the wall, into a squatting position keeping his head just below the parapet. (Actually this whole line was awkward.) He listened closely and as the door of the Queen's limousine opened the spontaneous burst of applause from the crowd signalled Brady it was time.
Knowing every eye in the crowd would instinctively be drawn to the Queen as she exited the car, Brady stood up quickly and leaning out over the edge, swung his pistol grip into position and squeezed the trigger. In one fluid movement the grabbing mechanism opened and closed as it plucked the Peregrine Falcon egg from its precarious nest.
He was back behind the parapet before the Queen had turned to acknowledge the applauding crowd. He held up the egg and smiled at his million dollar payday. (Cocky. He isn't home free yet. He isn't home free until he hands the egg to the sheik. Many a crook ends up in jail because they don't plan an exit strategy.)

Missingtrees
April 20th, 2014, 12:57 PM
Hi

I liked this story, especially the surprise ending. You've packed a lot into not many words, so well done! The only thing I noticed was your use of an adverb (I'm learning about editing right now, and everyone says NO ADVERBS!) E.g confessional door softly clicked shut - I don't think you need 'softly' because the door either clicks shut (which we know to be a soft noise) or it doesn't. I don't think you need unobtrusively in the next sentence either, because we know he's trying not to be seen. There are a couple of others in there too, and i think if you take them out, it makes it a bit tighter.

I hope this helps, I really liked this.

Kind regards:unconscious:

Ethan
June 4th, 2014, 04:49 PM
Thanks for the read and the critiques guys, it was a flash piece and I put it up here without editing, So thanks for your input and comments, all welcome.
once again, thanks for your time and effort in commenting, truly appreciated

escorial
June 4th, 2014, 05:11 PM
enjoyed....

son_of_lockman
June 25th, 2014, 06:08 PM
Throw in some visual. It might prove wonders perhaps.

https://fbcdn-sphotos-d-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xpf1/v/t1.0-9/10302044_840313402664390_2147053004777846986_n.jpg ?oh=424e0f47298c84d54a3af05de65ab317&oe=5420AC59&__gda__=1411951923_0337afbfd97e6f263d8ef7c6dea89fe 0 (https://fbcdn-sphotos-d-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xpf1/v/t1.0-9/10302044_840313402664390_2147053004777846986_n.jpg ?oh=424e0f47298c84d54a3af05de65ab317&oe=5420AC59&__gda__=1411951923_0337afbfd97e6f263d8ef7c6dea89fe 0)

LunarFuror
July 1st, 2014, 10:34 AM
This was a super fun read! Great ending, thought that would end much differently.

zenor
July 1st, 2014, 08:58 PM
That ending. Hah

The Bruce
July 15th, 2014, 03:52 AM
I laughed out loud. Not just for the reveal - which is brilliant - but also because it was such a good parody of thriller writing.

HumanYoYo
July 30th, 2014, 04:35 AM
Clever! And so compact! The tension builds and builds and then does a 180 degree flip. Only in hindsight does the question occur to me - why is he doing this now? Like it seems that he knows he looks suspiciously like a sniper. Why not wait until a quieter time, preferably when the Queen is not around?
That being said, your diction is tight and you never lose the suspense. Good work!

Ethan
July 30th, 2014, 05:07 PM
Thanks for the read and comments guys, glad you enjoyed.
HumanYoYo, the egg had to be taken before hatching, and everybody looks at the Queen, Including her security if only for an instant! Plus Peregrine nests are protected and watched even more closely than Royalty...Hence the price.