View Full Version : Does this set up the right mood?

March 6th, 2014, 04:14 AM
Fox led us through alley way after alley way, leading us to places neither of us have ever been. We ran, and ran until Fox halted in a dark, dismal neighborhood. All the buildings around were abandoned. They were old, and run down.

“Here,” Fox said searching for something. “I'll go around back.” He zoomed off.

“Wai-! Uhh, never mind,” Zeze said. “What's happening?”

“I don't know, but it's real. This is really happening.” I scanned the building for an opening. There was a small rat hole it looked like. I moved over to it. Rubbing my face against the ground I could see most of the insides of the building. Two men were there, and I think I saw Arty's tied up, gagged, and blindfolded body as well.

“He's over there. I see him”

Nothing. No reply.

“Did you hear me? I said I see him.” I removed my self from the eye hole. “Zeze!”

A man in all black stood over Zeze with a gun in his hands. Zeze was watching the barrel's every move. I could smell her fear, and mine, entangled in the air.
“Who are you?” I asked, going to my sisters side.

“It's better you didn't know. Just call me the grim reaper,” he said, firing, blazing through my chest, bubbling out blood, oozing from my mouth, gargling, pain, terror, fear... nothing...

Blood sprayed over me, Wiz's. My own blood through Wiz. My body startled at the sound. The click, he turned to me, gun raised. Wiz chest stopped, blood gushed, spilling, staining. He tried to mouth something. I couldn't hear, couldn't think. Finger on the trigger, bent, bending, POW!

Throwing me, flinging me, bouncing off cement. Pain, so much pain, through my shoulder. I moved, last second, pain, ah... the pain. Wiz. Wiz. Wiz!

I heard the shot. I turned and darted. I had to get back. What happened? What was going on? I turned the corner. A man, a light in his hand. Wiz bleeding, sightless eyes. Zeze gurgling, twitching, convulsing.

The guy looked at me, and flicked the light into the building, grinning he left. A fire burned. Small, simple, then big, and expanding. It grew and grew. The smoke was so much. Arty was still inside!

I heard the yell of the two men with him.

It was all dark. I heard talking, but faded. I couldn't move, my hands were tied. What's going on? Where was anyone? More talking, louder.


What was that? Smoke. I smelt smoke. A fire? The talking was shrill and I was pushed, and stepped on. The smoke choked, churning inside my chest, and lungs. AH, darkness again...

I ran back. Where was an entrance? Anything? I saw the window. My only choice. I rammed it, flying through the air, rolling when I hit the floor. Shards of glass dug into my skin, but I kept moving on my hands and knees. I was low. Where was Arty?

A black silhouette against the smoke lay right in front of me. I crawled over, dancing flames blazing above, flickering at my back.

Arty! I grabbed him, pulling him closer. His hands looked burned, charred. I lifted him, and dragged him across the floor. The fire roared behind us. I kept going straight, away from the flame, I hoped.

I saw the light, a light. It revived my strength. I stood up, and ran, Arty in my hands. I dove, a spiraling dive out the door, crashing onto the dirt of the outside, safe from the flame. Now I could rest...

March 6th, 2014, 04:19 AM
paritally confusing to be honest, did everyone just die???

March 6th, 2014, 04:26 AM
Ha, no, only Wiz died

March 6th, 2014, 04:28 AM
Ha, no, only Wiz died
ahh i see, i knew that he died at least! :pride:

March 6th, 2014, 04:32 AM
so you definately established sadness, depression, confusion (for characters not reader (unless you're me))death, and darkness

March 6th, 2014, 04:34 AM
That's what I was looing for! It's a new style for me, taking the event from several different perspectives.

March 6th, 2014, 04:36 AM
That's what I was looing for! It's a new style for me, taking the event from several different perspectives.
nice! glad I could help although I don't know too much about writing, but i do know a fair amount! that's cool about the different perspectives, that's actually how I write as well, but divided so that each character narrates a full chapter, most of the time

March 6th, 2014, 06:15 AM
I think this works pretty well. I know this is probably a rough draft, but there are numerous spelling and, grammar, and punctuation mistakes that once fixed, will make the read a lot easier. I would also work on the flow. The mood is set very well. I feel what the characters are going through and want to know more. I would, however, try to smooth out the word flow. This will make the mood stick even better.

Hope I was some help. Great post.

W. Dallas
March 6th, 2014, 12:27 PM
Hey George RR Martin has made a killing with multiple perspective. He too writes each chapter from a different character's perspective. You just have to be sure you stay inside that character, write as they act, feel, think. You can easily slip into omnipresent if not careful, giving away the thoughts of other characters which the perspective character couldn't know. I think, overall, you did it well here. Fox is my favorite ;-)

March 6th, 2014, 01:40 PM
Thanks you guys! It is rough draft, and it was a favorite of mine, but I think I started blending the personalities of all three of them together a little so I stopped. I really am at a cross road at who I like the most because I like Zeze's back story, Arty's looks, and Fox's sports ability.

This part is a major turning point in the novel, so I really needed to make sure I set the mood right. I started out the novel with Wiz taking the lead, so the reader could have that connection, and then I made all of them go through a very bonding moment and do one of those blood oaths... and then I killed one off and separated the others.

March 8th, 2014, 04:31 AM
I was going to say that this was a very rough way to stay a novel, but it's not the start, so okay.

Maybe you should make the part from each perspective longer, so you would get more time to build tension through the scene. But I get the feeling what comes before this passage may have already built up enough tension, so ignore this if that's the case.