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Roobearrr
March 3rd, 2014, 05:08 PM
Okay so here's my first every thread, this is an excerpt from a possible story. I've only written this and another chapter and wanted some thoughts. If there's any grammatical or punctuation errors etc please elaborate because I find i have trouble with it. Here it goes!

Possible Prologue or Flashback

Her eyes flickered open after another good night’s sleep, Lauren was trying to get as many as she could before the baby arrived. At eight months pregnant she hoisted herself out of her plush king sized bed whilst trying not to wake her beautiful husband. Lauren was a very lucky woman, as other than her swollen stomach nothing else of her body had changed. She still had a beautifully slender arms finished with long delicate fingers, she still had her long toned legs and slim feet. She didn’t suffer with swelling or rosacea. She stood in front of her floor length mirror gazing at her tummy, stroking it delicately, noticing that even now she didn’t have a single stretch mark. She grabbed her silk kimono and pulled it over her naked body then headed to the en-suite to get a shower before going for her daily jog.

Lauren returned to the bedroom and sat at her large white dressing table. She looked at her face in the mirror, flush from the shower, but other than that she had no blemishes and no scars. Her skin had always been flawless just another reason for women to envy her. Lauren’s life had always been easy; she was part of a typical 2.4 family with two loving parents and a younger sister Bethany. They weren’t rich but they were always treated like princesses and generally got what they want. Once she was old enough her Dadddy kindly provided the deposit for her and Luke’s first and only house. They have lived there for 7 years now and don’t have plans to move. To Lauren it was her perfect home, a modern 3 bedroom townhouse with a big back garden and a garage. All nestled at the end of a quiet and safe cul-de-sac.

Lauren stared at her face, inspecting it for any signs of wrinkles. It had been her 25th birthday last week and today she was going to meet up with her best friends for a spa day to celebrate. She could not wait, she hadn’t been able to reach her toes for a while now and Luke wasn’t very good with nail varnish. She applied a small amount of makeup and begun to comb out her short blonde hair. Lauren couldn’t wait to give birth just so that she could get her roots done. She hated the mousy brown line that ran down her parting. She blew dry her hair and got quickly dressed into her maternity sportswear.

She took another look into the floor length mirror and she was not disappointed. Lauren always knew she was pretty and was never afraid to admit it, she supposed that is another reason why women never warmed to her. She didn’t care though, as she had her 4 best friends and didn’t need anyone else. There was Faith ‘the loud one’, Emily ‘the shy one’, Mandy ‘the promiscuous one’ and Hannah ‘the weird one’. They called Lauren ‘the honest one’ which was a nice way of saying that she was a bit of a bitch. All four had been her bridesmaids at her wedding, along with her little sister who wasn’t so little anymore. She smiled at herself in the mirror and stroked her tummy, 4 weeks left and counting.

She could hear Luke begin to stir behind her. “Do you have to go today?” he whispered in his beautifully deep voice, he beckoned her over with his large muscled arm and she obeyed.

“I haven’t seen them in ages.” Lauren replied

“But it’s my only day off this week,” he pouted trying to make her feel guilty. “I want you stay in bed.” He pulled her into his arms and cradled her.

“I’ve had this planned for months,” Lauren mumbled into his chest. He sighed and loosened his grip

“Fine, but don’t stay too late. I’ve got a surprise planned for tonight.” He grinned and pushed her off the bed. Her face lit up at the thought of a surprise, she loved them, especially the expensive type. She kissed him goodbye and left the house to go on around her usual route.

She jogged out of the cul-de-sac and turned left, running to the beat of her IPod. Then she turned right into a local football pitch, which lead to a little forest. Halfway across the field her phone rang. “Hello?”

“Lauren!” Hannah’s voice buzzed through the phone with excitement “How are you? I hope the baby is still hanging in there!” she laughed loudly, but carried on talking not letting Lauren get a word in, “So where are we meeting again? I forgot, you know me, third time this week!” she laughed again

“Yeah typical,” Lauren started to jog again, she knew that once Hannah got started she would be on the phone for ages, “We’re meeting outside Harmony Spa on Freeman Street, Faith is picking you up at 11.”

“Oh yeah, I remember now. I can’t wait!” Hannah rambled on until Lauren was halfway through the forest. Finally when Hannah stopped to catch her breath, Lauren could speak

“Look Hannah, I’m going to see you in less than an hour, can’t you tell me all this then?” Lauren stopped jogging; she felt a headache coming on.

“Yeah I suppose so, you’re just so easy to talk to I can’t help myself!” Hannah laughed, but Lauren couldn’t, “Lauren, are you still there?” Lauren’s headache had progressed rapidly, she felt dizzy. Her mobile slipped through her left hand, she went to pick it back up but her left leg gave way and couldn’t hold her weight anymore. Her whole body slammed onto the forest floor and her head smacked against a jagged rock. Lauren blacked out instantly.

“Lauren? Lauren? What was that noise? Are you okay? Is it my phone again? I tell you what I’ll ring you back, I think my phones broke.”

The line went dead.

Apple Ice
March 4th, 2014, 06:38 PM
Hello Roobear, I thought I would return the favour and comment on your piece.

I think you reiterate how beautiful the pair are too often, particularly Lauren. I also feel the description of 'beautiful' for a man is slightly odd, particularly when describing his regular voice. I've never known anyone to have a beautiful talking voice, especially a man. It makes him sound delicate and feminine. Also, would you check for wrinkles at 25? That could just be her compulsiveness but it seemed a bit unlikely to me.

The part about her and her friends nick names seemed a bit Sex In The City and cliche. Also, do women jog at eight months pregnant? I think power walking or just walking would be a better activity as it's more believable.

The ending was good. The suspense comes on quickly which is good as it matches the rapidness of her deterioration and the last line is good. It makes you want to read more. A a few nits but all in all I think it's a good piece. I will read more if you decide to upload.

Roobearrr
March 4th, 2014, 09:26 PM
Thank you for your reply! Everything you have said will be taken on board. The whole 'sex and the city thing' is intended as the story unfolds you'll notice a complete personality change, but i think i'm gonna delete the nick names anyway. I was in two minds about it to begin with. The perfectness of her life is also intended, but you wouldn't know that unless you read on.

Trust me, girls check for wrinkles at any age.

I really appreciate the feedback :D

Apple Ice
March 4th, 2014, 10:34 PM
ah okay, yes I suppose I was somewhat happy to jump the gun without considering further implications later on in the story. I think getting rid of the nicknames is a good idea because using one word descriptions gives the impression of one dimensional characters. I got the sense you were going for the perfect life set-up and thought that would come in to play later on.

Haha, okay, you put me in my place there.

It's quite alright, I will be happy to post more feedback on the story if you upload more.