View Full Version : amnesia problems II

Jake Creamer
March 2nd, 2014, 12:19 AM
“How is it sir,” he ground out between clenched teeth, “That I have never heard of you?” I evaded his question, much as I had evaded his attacks. I stepped smoothly out of distance, and lowered the point of my rapier. He lowered his as well, only a slight hitch in his motion betraying the fact that I had most palpably touched him.

I played the exchange over in my mind…He advanced aggressively, declaring his dedication to the Italian school. He attacked with a roversi, I simply stepped out of his range. His follow up with an imbrocotta I batted aside with my left hand. He dexterously recovered, and attempted to use a grip, perhaps to trip me or throw me to the ground. I stifled him with a bump of my hip and a lower point of gravity. Taking the offensive, I v-stepped out and back inside his range, scooped his weapon out of the way and placed a controlled thrust into his shoulder. He jumped back with a quick yelp. I had drawn first blood.

My perception shifted from the immediate past to the present as he stood there awaiting my response.
“Pray inform your principle” I said, as formally and as carefully as I could, “I bear him no ill-will, and forgive him for impugning my honor.”
I sheathed my weapon then, and gathered up my doublet from under the ash tree.

“Sir!” he demanded, “Your name, I must know you. I am a professional, I have dueled both here and on the continent and never have I played with anyone demonstrating the skill I have witnessed today.”

“I fear you will learn to live with disappointment.” I said over my shoulder as I walked. The truth was, I didn’t really know myself. I felt that I hadn’t for a long time. Sometimes I dreamt that I knew who I was, and maybe that if I did know, if I did recall all that I had known (or dreamed that I did), that I would be able to understand the things that kept happening. The bloodshed and conflict, dream after dream, different fights, different faces.

Thank you all in advance for your feedback

W. Dallas
March 2nd, 2014, 04:58 AM
As with your other bits I've read, you have a knack for voice, and a the style works well here. I wonder at the use of dueling terms without any explanation of what those moves entail. It might make the reader see the action better if there is some indication of what those moves look like.

never have I played with anyone demonstrating the skill I have witnessed today Played, in this sentence throws me off. Not sure if fought, or dueled, would work better, but play indicates no harm was ever intended, and I think the exchange did hold some threat of harm.

Overall, nice work Jake.

March 2nd, 2014, 05:05 AM
Hey Jake -

You've done a lot with just a few words here - bravo. The fencing/swordfighting jargon shows knowledge, or research. Enjoyed it thoroughly.

I'd have just a couple of things to look at to make it better, and I am curious if you can sustain this voice. It's pretty stiff.

First, you've used the term 'betraying' twice in successive paragraphs. Nothing wrong with that, I guess, but it's noticeable.

The other thing is, you should start a new paragraph when the dialogue shifts to another character.

Pretty good work, clean and tight. I liked it a lot. You should write something of this flavor that's a bit longer, and I'll enjoy reading it.


Jake Creamer
March 2nd, 2014, 06:29 AM
Thank you very much for the feedback...I went ahead and made some revisions. I was striving to give the feel of a formal affair of honor, and I didn't want any forsooth's or 'zounds's tossed into the pot.
I am really happy this forum exists. Thanks all