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View Full Version : Why on Earth Not? - 650w, Weirdness/Substance Abuses



Pluralized
February 25th, 2014, 03:05 AM
Going off to Workshoppy Land. Thanks all!

LeeC
February 25th, 2014, 03:58 AM
Umm, wow, that's about as close to a psychotic experience as I want to come. Meaning, of course, that it drew me in, and I didn't like being drawn in.


I'm not proficient enough to question your grammar, the flow didn't trip me up, and the imagery was more than I was ready for.


I wish I had something constructively mean to say, as pay back.


So, all in all, I'll tread lightly before jumping into another piece of yours :-)


LeeC

Grizzly
February 25th, 2014, 04:24 AM
Nice. I liked it a lot, it was well executed and had no snags.
What is it that they're ingesting? Is it that cactus stuff? Through my experience, people only say "give me another hit" if it's smoking. When it's drinking something it's usually along the lines of "pour me another" but then that's just my observations and I don't know what they're on.
Overall I really enjoyed it. Depending on what substance it is, I don't think I'd mind shaving the giant.

Kevin
February 25th, 2014, 07:03 AM
Short, disturbing, modern horror. Teenager/boys tripping. Classic (classic risk-taking/stupidity) All the descriptions of the effects, the details... you really pulled those off. The whole paragraph starting with A storm of wings captures the experience...

Paul noticed Karl rubbing his hand along a section of the barbwire fence maybe some clarifying here. rubbing barbed wire sounds like self-mutilation.

but the hollow stare in his eyes made him look wary like a nomad. hmmm. reads awkward. ...gave him the look of ...

Paul turned it up - turned what? the heat, the radio...lost me

A truck downshifted a half-mile away I took that as a big-rig jake-breaking. On a highway? just thought you might want to sharpen this image.

Without sufficient knowledge of the biochemistry of it two 'ofs' and 'sufficient knowledge' makes it sound ...too formal, yet awkward.

He’d left Karl there two weeks ago, and strangely nobody seemed to notice. Paul had gone on about his business, acting like nothing had happened. He sang to the dog: - spooky, disturbing stuff. He never got sane and Karl's dead... disturbing horror

Pluralized
February 25th, 2014, 01:53 PM
LeeC - I'm sorry for the effect, but also kind of delighted. The mark of real weirdness is how it affects people when they read it. Which image got you the worst? Didn't seem too gratuitous when I wrote it, and there's really no violence to speak of... Anyway thanks for reading. Please don't avoid my work; I do write somewhat benign stuff from time to time, though some would say it's not so good...

Grizz - I don't really know what substance, and that's kind of why I wrote this thing. Wanted it to be obscure like that. Probably ayahuasca, maybe maté with psilocybin. The important thing is that they were out of their gourds, and only one of them was able to keep it together. Thanks for reading!

Kevin - Excellent help man - thank you. Glad you found this to be effective. I didn't set out to write pure horror, more like dark psychedelic fantasy or something. This whole thing just kind of materialized in front of me on the screen, so take it for what it's worth. I'll definitely use your suggested edits and will look closer at the barbwire.

Good stuff guys. That's what I love about this site.

thepancreas11
February 25th, 2014, 10:49 PM
Whoa. If you're thinking of trying goop from Plur's store, think twice. The last thing I want to do is pick up pine-needles from the forest floor, and I certainly don't want to have to make my living doing it.

Not going to lie, when I first read this, I thought they were drinking something to help them transform into Sasquatches, probably from the title. Also, there was that line where he looks at his feet and then sees the pine-needles and how they're contrasting the matte of brown. I thought the matte of brown was the hair on his now very large feet. I didn't realize that it meant the underbrush. Maybe that's just me. I might put that line of not knowing the effects of the goop a little sooner just to elucidate. Mind you, the second time I read it through, I picked up the meaning right away.

"Wary nomad"...what exactly is that supposed to look like? How exactly does that contrast with him knowing the area? Nomads are still pretty knowledgable about where they are, even if they've never been there before. I missed the effect that this was supposed to have on me.

There's some little stuff in here that I'm not a fan of:

"He was gone, and Paul reminded himself to hold it together." If he's saying parables in other languages, you don't need the first half of this sentence. We got it.

"A big truck jake-braked somewhere...and Paul was jerked back to the present." It could be that I just don't like too many "j"s in a sentence (I'm weird like that), but I wish this sentence was more fluid. "A big truck jake-braked, and Paul was suddenly aware of where he was" (not the best). Also, the thing that might be getting me is that you just said that Paul was reminding himself to keep it together and then you say that it jerked him back to the present. Where was he asking himself to hold it together? Feels like a person would have to be aware to be able to have the sense to try keeping it together.

"Without a thought..." Seems like he had a thought: get the hell away from Krazy Karl. "Without knowing the substance..." That sentence could use a little more tuning. Not sure what to do with it, but I might consider saying something to the effect of, "He tried to tell someone..." and it ends disastrously. Personal preference, there.

Super trippy. Kevin's right, that paragraph about the cicadas was epic. I know that sound, I know that feeling, where the drone just kind of eats at you and starts burrowing into you head. Yucky. Love the "psychonaut" line, by the way. Most of the dialogue in here is, as per usual, very natural and fitting for the characters that you've created. Having lived a time in the South where I imagined this taking place, I could see a pair of good ol' boys throwing back some hair of the dog.

Fantastic stuff, Plur.

Bishop
February 25th, 2014, 11:17 PM
"Pole barn" is one of my favorite terms in the English language. There's a story behind it and all, but I just wanted to mention that it made me smile to see it.


I'll be honest, I'm not entirely sure what happened there, but I liked it! Is that bad? I think it's good, because it gives that "tripping balls" effect that I think you were going for. I really liked the descriptors, very well written, and I can see nothing overtly wrong with your prose. Any awkwardness has already been pointed out by other critiquers.


You may wish to clear things up a tiny bit, though. I am still a little lost within the piece, and it was a fantastic job of having me be as confused as the characters, but I feel like I might have missed something within the writing, which may deter some readers.


Other than that, great little piece, I enjoyed the trip, so to speak. :D


Bishop

Pluralized
February 25th, 2014, 11:55 PM
Hey Pank'tron - These guys might be 'squatches - you just never know. What I do know, or at least suspect, is that Karl might've been Paul's trip-alter-ego. Not really like a Fight Club thing, but more like when psychonauts go all introspective and self-absorbed, the other people around them get diluted and dissipative. I can't tell you how I know. Good commentary, as always - I really value your feedback.

Bishop - I'm really glad you liked this, even in admitting you got a bit lost in it. *confidentially, I'm as lost as anyone, and I wrote the damn thing.* :)

Really appreciate your time and energy, Bishop. Will definitely try to reciprocate. I too, love a good pole barn. As long as the poles are brass and the livestock are less-than-clothed. Too soon? Cheers!

thepancreas11
February 26th, 2014, 01:38 AM
Holy crap, never thought of that idea! Now I'm actually kind of hoping Paul has a schizophrenic alter-ego. Can I just imagine that he does, even if he doesn't?

Also, any story that has sasquatches (or by association Yetis, Big Feet, or Wookiees (tm)) is okay with me. Perhaps El Chupacabra?

Pluralized
February 26th, 2014, 01:43 AM
Yep, we've been there (http://www.writingforums.com/threads/142353-Confused-Primitive-Sorrow-850w?highlight=).