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Gaurav
February 24th, 2014, 08:39 PM
Aditya had come home a bit late today. ''Traffic", he blamed when his parents asked him the reason.


Without wasting any time he went to his study room. He wanted to register his bitter-sweet day in his journal.


1


Today, it was my practical exam of Biology and I was expected to perform well. I had done thorough revision yesterday. I reached the college half an hour before the exam.


And heaven, I realised I had made a blunder! A serious blunder in noting my timetable. The exam was scheduled yesterday! I had missed my exam! Too scared to talk to my father, I had no idea who would help me out of the danger. Gathering a lot of courage I told my teacher about the mess I had done.


"What??" she reacted as if I had bombed a city. Since this was no medical case, I couldn't even get a doctor certificate. After begging for over half an hour she finally agreed but on one condition. These terms and conditions should have better been reserved for life insurance policies, I thought.


"Call your parents. I want to meet your father. Write a letter giving explanation. You can appear the exam in next batch." she ordered.


Luckily there was one more batch whose exam was to take place on the same day. But there was one word, one person who was standing in my way, 'my own father'. I couldn't imagine myself explaining this mess to him. And then, an awesome idea struck me!


"Madam, my father is out of town. He won't be able to come today." I replied.


"So what do you want? If your parents aren't bothered, please get lost" she frowned.


"Would it be alright if I call my brother? He will surely come within an hour." I requested.


Given no choice by the college, who wanted their students to do well as this was their 'prestige issue', she gave a pale "Okay". My job was half done.


2


"Hello, Joy...." I called Sujoy, my friend and explained him the situation.


"So what do you want? How can I help you?" he asked, his tone suggesting that he wasn't very keen in helping me.


"You are my big brother for the day." I ordered.


"Are you crazy? I am younger than you by a year, how can I be your big brother?"


"I am not requesting you. I am ordering you. And everyone says you look like my elder one. Just come here immediately or else ..."


"Okay I am coming right away." he cut short my conversation and ended the call. Thanks to social networking, I blackmail him for almost everything. I had once, caught him with his girlfriend and clicked him. Too scared of losing his 'clean reputation' he came immediately.


Sujoy, the epitome of lowbrow street smart cool dude came in a completely different look.


"What have you done?" I asked him, looking at his shaved beard, well combed hair and horn-rimmed spectacles.


"She wouldn't doubt me now. I need to take care of my identity dude! I study in the same college. And who is the teacher I need to meet?" he asked.


"It's Shilpa madam," I replied.


"Good Lord, she teaches us English!" his eyes came out of his heavy spectacles.


"Don't worry, I bet you haven't attended any of her lectures. You are too busy with your girlfriends." I taunted him. He threw a dirty look.


3


"I think I have seen you before," she kept observing him minutely.


"No way. I don't attend college," he replied without thinking for a moment.


"I mean I have recently completed my graduation," he tried correcting himself only to dig himself deeper.


"You don't look that old," she replied. He tried faking a smile.


Madam this is not a viva exam, to keep bombarding awkward questions, I wanted to shout.


"Do you know, why you have been called?" she asked without wasting any time.


"Yeah I know. This idiot has told me everything. Please give him one more chance."


I couldn't believe he called me 'idiot' in front of her.


"Alright even the college doesn't want any mess. Just write a letter giving the explanation and he can in appear his exam," she said.


I had already prepared the letter as I knew she would ask for one. Thus I finally appeared my exam.


God, I still can't imagine what I had done. Till yesterday I was an honest nerd and today I had turned into a scamster just to save an embarrassing insult from my father.


Aditya finished writing his journal as he heard his parents talking about something.


4


"What's the matter Sujata, where are you lost?" Aditya's father, Prashant asked his wife inquisitively.


"I heard a shocking story from my friend today. Where is Aditya? I want to tell this one to him." Sujata replied with her eyes looking for her son.


"I think he is busy with his work. You can tell him later." Prashant replied.


"I have a friend who travels with me in train. She is a teacher in some college. She told me, how she was fooled today.


SOME HOURS AGO IN TRAIN


"Rascals! Who do they think they are?" Shilpa frowned, her face resembling a fleshy tomato.


"What happened?" I asked her.


"These morons who study in my college are nutcases," she shouted.


"What are you saying? Can you please elaborate."


"Today a boy came to me in the morning and said he had missed his exam. I thought I could help him. So I asked him to write a letter and call his father to meet me" she said.


"So what's the matter" I still couldn't figure out what she was saying.


"That rascal said that his father was out of town, and requested me to call his brother instead. Going against the procedure I said that it was fine. And you know what he did?" she asked rhetorically.


"What?" I asked the question I was expected to.


"He called his friend who posed as his brother!" she said with red hot eyes.


"Come on Shilpa, how do you know that?" I inquired.


"Thanks to my luck dear. I had already suspected foul play as he never looked five years older than him. Later today, I went to the staff room to check, who hadn't submitted their English assignment. I was just noting their Roll numbers, when I saw an idiot's name who hadn't even attended a single lecture of mine this semester. To know who he was, I asked his class teacher about his details. And heaven! I realised he was the same one, who came posed as the brother to meet me! Look at his guts. He doesn't attend my lectures. But comes to meet me as someone's big brother, though he is actually a year younger than him." she felt relieved as she had finally vented out her frustration.


"So what is the college planning to do?" I asked.


"Obviously suspend those two morons. What else do you think we should do?" she replied.


"You are right. These spoiled brats think they are very smart. Blame their parents, who don't inculcate any values in them." I acknowledged her and got ready to leave as train was about to stop my station.


5


"Can you imagine their guts? They attempted to fool their teacher," Sujata said as she ended her narration.


"Not everyone is like our Aditya," Prashant said with bright eyes as he felt superior for been a father of a 'good boy'.


"Yeah. You are right. I feel proud of him for that," she replied.


"Actually I feel the parents are more responsible for this fiasco. Don't you feel so?" Prashant asked her.


Indeed, they were living in a house of lies.

thepancreas11
February 25th, 2014, 02:14 PM
Cool story, Gaurav. It's got a very personal feel to it, almost like you've seen something like this happen or are a part of a world with these kinds of strictures. Secretly, I love when the author works the title into the story, too. That last line really wraps things up, a true resolution for a quick and dirty story, the rarest kind.

You're a little empty though. You've got a great structure, a good plan for it, but even if you scroll down through the story, it looks like a bunch of rib bones picked clean. This piece is sparsely populated by description or even action, for that matter. Most of it is dialogue and/or the thoughts of the main character. You're not really setting a scene here; you're outlining the scene, almost. Don't be afraid to get more in there. It's a good premise, but not good enough to carry the story without any setting.

When you do use an adjective or adjective phrase, don't be afraid to get creative with them. "She asks me like a bomb went off" isn't bad. When you revise this, you should eliminate any phrases that are redundant: "as she ended her narration" really doesn't have a place. It's pretty obvious that she's done telling the story. If you're going to use words there, put down an action. Maybe she shakes her head or shrugs or something. Actions always speak louder than words, remember. It's no different in writing. Body language and tone account for something like 85% of the message you convey while words do the remainder.

Dialogue: Make sure we know who's saying it. Read it over thoroughly. Does it sound like something someone would say? Some of your lines are backwards here, but that's natural for one of your early drafts. I think your dialogue was the best part of the story.

One last little thing: If Aditya is the narrator for certain parts, but not for the entire story, you need to make the distinction between his narration and the rest of the story. Use italics, or indents (not here of course) or quotation marks to delineate the difference.

Revise and return!

Gaurav
February 25th, 2014, 03:24 PM
Thanks a lot for reviewing it. The story is inspired by personal experience. Also I was bored of reading the descriptive stories and I wanted to read a dialogue heavy story. So instead of reading it, I ended up writing one. If possible please review 'Perfect thief'.

I will make use of your tips and soon edit the story.

A_Jones
March 18th, 2014, 02:45 PM
Very interesting. Good feel, nice subject choice for your message! There is a lot of ESL issues in this one. If you would like, you could send it to me at my email which I could give you in a private message, and I could help you fix them then send it back. Dont worry I will delete it promptly, I have no interest in taking your work as my own, you deserve every bit of glory.

I have an issue with the perspective choices. Based on what you are trying to achieve I would suggest you write this as a contrary monologue script. (In which two people stand on stage. The spot light is on one and he tells his version of the story. Then the spotlight goes down on him and up on the second person and then they tell their version of the story. In this case the two people would be the collage student, and then the teacher.

Just my suggestion. If that wont work for you I would suggest you take it out of the diary format, and maybe even switch it to third person omnipotent.

Still, I liked it very much! Thank you.

Yfig
March 18th, 2014, 04:02 PM
I got lost !

A house of lies !

Is this like a house of truth ? I mean ... do we need a house to store lies ? Because if so then I need a skyscraper !

Nice story Gaurav ... unfortunately I feel a bit too old to share the feelings ... and I have lied so much ... :) :) :)

.

A_Jones
March 18th, 2014, 04:09 PM
I got lost !

A house of lies !

Is this like a house of truth ? I mean ... do we need a house to store lies ? Because if so then I need a skyscraper !

.

Yfig, a house of lies is an old literary device. It means you are trapped withing a house built out of lies. Eventually you have to deconstruct the lies to get out of it, as in break down the walls, before you are able to get out. But by telling more and more lies, you make it impossible for you to get out of the house.

In this case I believe it also means a family full of lies. The family being a house. The parents did not teach the children properly and all together they built this house of lies and are together trapped within it.

Yfig
March 18th, 2014, 06:13 PM
Thank you A_Jones

In fench we say : a prison of lies !

Gaurav
March 18th, 2014, 06:27 PM
Yfig, a house of lies is an old literary device. It means you are trapped withing a house built out of lies. Eventually you have to deconstruct the lies to get out of it, as in break down the walls, before you are able to get out. But by telling more and more lies, you make it impossible for you to get out of the house.

In this case I believe it also means a family full of lies. The family being a house. The parents did not teach the children properly and all together they built this house of lies and are together trapped within it.

Thanks a lot for your response. I am really glad you took so much interest in my story. I have started reading your adventure story but I am a very slow reader. I will review the whole story tomorrow.

Plasticweld
March 20th, 2014, 05:27 PM
I like that it is dialog heavy. From the point of telling the story I would have gone into more detail or create a more elaborate ruse for missing the test. I think there is a humor side that could be developed based on an outrageous lie that would add meat to the story. I had to go back a second time to see if I had missed something and perhaps somehow skipped a paragraph.

On the poll am I supposed to tell you the truth, a shade of the truth, or would you settle for a half truth. I could turn it all around and go for an out right lie so you would have to turn around the poll results and wonder if I was just using reverse phycology .

I have a story that I wrote about a lie I told in Jr. High, that I am sure to this day haunts my reputation; if anyone where to ask about my character. Classical example of how one lie has to be supported my many others, it is a humor story.

Gaurav
March 20th, 2014, 06:20 PM
I like that it is dialog heavy. From the point of telling the story I would have gone into more detail or create a more elaborate ruse for missing the test. I think there is a humor side that could be developed based on an outrageous lie that would add meat to the story. I had to go back a second time to see if I had missed something and perhaps somehow skipped a paragraph.

On the poll am I supposed to tell you the truth, a shade of the truth, or would you settle for a half truth. I could turn it all around and go for an out right lie so you would have to turn around the poll results and wonder if I was just using reverse phycology .

I have a story that I wrote about a lie I told in Jr. High, that I am sure to this day haunts my reputation; if anyone where to ask about my character. Classical example of how one lie has to be supported my many others, it is a humor story.

Your comment has confused me. Can you please elaborate your thoughts in a better way? :-)

Plasticweld
March 20th, 2014, 09:00 PM
And heaven, I realised I had made a blunder! A serious blunder in noting my timetable. The exam was scheduled yesterday! I had missed my exam! Too scared to talk to my father, I had no idea who would help me out of the danger. Gathering a lot of courage I told my teacher about the mess I had done.

.

Sorry for the confusion on my part. My first thought, having been in a similar situation is the immediate lie you would have told to justify your absence. I would assume anyone who is from the house of lies would have had an automatic response as to why he was not there, not bring in a parent to somehow negotiate his way out of it. Maybe it is my mis-understand of the pretext. Being an experienced liar I can come up with a story in the blink of the eye. I would have assumed the character would have done the same and probably have a great reason for his absence, then had to bring in the friend to confirm just as you did

I was an avid baseball player as a kid. I had tried out for a team in town and made the team but missed the first week of practice. I had no idea that practice had started until I happen to glance at the calendar and noticed the date that our first practice was scheduled. I showed up and told the coaches my name and that I was here to play. "Where the Hell have you been?" was the only thing he managed to say while looking down at the dirt in disgust. I didn't at the time really give it much thought and figured I would just have been considered late. The next words out of my mouth, were not planned. I would have been considered devious if I had actually put thought into it. I looked the coach in the eye and said. "My Sister died"t this was not any out right lie but something that had happen a couple of months ago it had absoulty nothing to do with my being late. The coach looked like someone had punched him in the gut. He managed a brief. "Get your glove and hit the field" While I was only 11 at the time I knew the power of words.

I think you have a great platform to make your story have a little more life by creating a cool or completely bullshit reason for being late or some cool elaborate lie that tied the whole story together. I liked the story and the way you told it, I definitely think you have something you can expand on

Gaurav
March 21st, 2014, 03:04 AM
coach in the eye and said. "My Sister died"t this was not any out right lie but something that had happened couple of months ago

Thanks a lot for your response. Talking strictly about the plot, it comes from personal experience. Also, the story is set in India, so much of the humour and plot is derived from the traits of people in India. Boy is scared of his father, teacher is ruthless and the friend is sort of a spoilt brat. These characters look very real if you are an Indian.

Also, the web of lies he creates is made to look very real. I am not saying that there is no other option, but may be that's how I thought while writing the story. Secondly I wanted to write a humour story. So if I write something like my sister died the readers will find it rude because I am not sure whether I will be able to write it convincingly.

On a personal note, even I am a seasoned lier and haven't been caught till date :-)

- - - Updated - - -


coach in the eye and said. "My Sister died"t this was not any out right lie but something that had happened couple of months ago

Thanks a lot for your response. Talking strictly about the plot, it comes from personal experience. Also, the story is set in India, so much of the humour and plot is derived from the traits of people in India. Boy is scared of his father, teacher is ruthless and the friend is sort of a spoilt brat. These characters look very real if you are an Indian.

Also, the web of lies he creates is made to look very real. I am not saying that there is no other option, but may be that's how I thought while writing the story. Secondly I wanted to write a humour story. So if I write something like my sister died the readers will find it rude because I am not sure whether I will be able to write it convincingly.

On a personal note, even I am a seasoned lier and haven't been caught till date :-)

Plasticweld
March 21st, 2014, 01:12 PM
Thanks that explains a lot of your story and it makes much more sense to me now.