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Gaurav
February 24th, 2014, 08:34 PM
The story has been removed.

Kate
February 27th, 2014, 10:12 PM
Honestly? I think you used, maybe too much exclamation marks and overall it wasn't that funny, but it held my interest long enough for me to reach the end. Personally I feel the monologues could have been broken up a bit too.

Gaurav
March 18th, 2014, 12:34 PM
Thanks for your comment and suggestions. Hmm, I expected this to be funny, but its okay if you didn't like it.

A_Jones
March 18th, 2014, 01:40 PM
I think it is quite cute! If you want it to be funny you have to change just a little bit of how you tell the story. I got confused with who was talking when. So I would suggest you go back and look at how you wrote that. Also the father daughter dialogue was clipped. Throw some colloquialism in there. Make it comfortable. Where are they? In his study? How old is she? High school? You can throw that stuff in there without making it too wordy or too much explanation. This stuff is important though because it helps the reader feel secure, and their security is what causes them to be able to relax and find the irony of your story funny.

Also play a lot more into the absurdity of the situation.

Let me explain. I laughed so hard once at a movie. In the move people were accidentally caught breaking in somewhere and, just like your guy, was thought to belong there. but it didn't stop there, the guards not only thought they were one of them, but they gave them a gun and saluted them. the main characters were shocked, they turned the gun around and shot the guards. I laughed SOOO hard. There was more to it than that of course, its all to do with the facial features and what they say. Paint us the picture of the hilarity.

But all that being said, I found it quite cute as is. I enjoyed it a lot, and I wasn't feeling too well, so thank you!

Gaurav
March 18th, 2014, 02:15 PM
Glad you enjoyed it. I have written another satire,

http://www.writingforums.com/threads/145275-A-House-of-Lies-(my-second-short-story).

you can read it as well.

A_Jones
March 18th, 2014, 02:33 PM
I would love to! If you would, please give me the same courtesy: http://www.writingforums.com/threads/145761-FAE-Chapter-1-(YA-Dark-Fairytale-4k-words)-Rough-draft-alert!

Ill understand if it is not your thing.

Gaurav
March 18th, 2014, 03:38 PM
I would love to! If you would, please give me the same courtesy: http://www.writingforums.com/threads/145761-FAE-Chapter-1-(YA-Dark-Fairytale-4k-words)-Rough-draft-alert!

Ill understand if it is not your thing.

As the story you have written is 4k words I will review it in two parts. I will post the review of the first part today and that of the second half tomorrow.

A_Jones
March 18th, 2014, 03:41 PM
Thank you. But is a chapter not the whole story. I will understand if you are not interested in slowly reading a whole book. Thank you. And again, nice work!

Gaurav
March 19th, 2014, 06:32 AM
Thank you. But is a chapter not the whole story. I will understand if you are not interested in slowly reading a whole book. Thank you. And again, nice work!

I will read it and give my honest opinion on it, but I would love to read any of your short stories or poetry if you have published here.

A_Jones
March 19th, 2014, 09:16 PM
I have one poem called rain posted. I dont often write short stories.

illiteratewriter
March 20th, 2014, 05:12 AM
good work, i liked it.

Gaurav
March 21st, 2014, 02:30 PM
good work, i liked it.

Thanks!