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JayRiggs
February 21st, 2014, 11:15 PM
“Nothing will change but who I lay down with at night. You know how I feel about you.”


He’d never be over me. He told me that. That I was inside his head and I’d never leave. It wasn’t my fault we couldn’t be together. It was the shit hand of fate that I’ve been dealt with since I was born. Wrong place, wrong time. My slogan, my life story. His feelings for me ran deeper and hit him stronger than those he had for the first woman he ever loved. The woman he married while I was still in diapers. Age is just a number, sure. But that number would forever bind us to secret late-night conversations and fighting to keep our relationship platonic, no matter how much we wanted each other. Both brought together and forever kept apart by the same circumstance. And then he “moved on.” On to her. But it wasn’t her. It was proximity. It was availability. And for days I watched them flourish under wraps, all the while giving me the same affection and attention that set us up to do the same. He didn’t really feel for her. How can you fall for someone when someone else had never left your head? Never left your ever fantasy. Never left the deepest and darkest corners of your mind and heart? At least he had the decency to promise me nothing would change when he told me they were together. At least he could reassure me that he’d always be right there when I called. “You were there first, remember?” or my favorite “You know if we could be together…” I had the upper hand. She could walk around in her fantasy world all she wanted for all I cared. He was still mine. You may be laying down with him. But you’ll never connect with him like I did. You’ll never know what I know about him. You’ll never really have him. Go ahead, act like you’ve got the edge over me, in your silent, passive-aggressive, catty way. He’s mine, mentally and emotionally. That’s what counts. So I thought.


Until…


“She’s having my baby. I’m gonna marry her.”


And in that moment. That one moment it took me to tell my legs not to buckle. That one moment I had to put all my weight into my feet so I didn’t run right out of that place. That one moment it took me to choke back tears. That one moment it took me to regain my composure. That one moment it took me to stop my eyes from screaming “my world is falling apart around me.” That one moment it took me to fake a smile and tell him I was happy for him. That same moment? I lost my control. I became nothing and she became everything. I fell from the throne. Lost the tyrannical rule I had over his mind and heart. I lost my only salvation, my only light in the darkness we used to face every day together. Three was a crowd, and four certainly wouldn’t cut it. I lost my partner in crime, and there was no way in hell I could do the job alone.


She won. She got him. There was a photo finish, and she had me by the length of her growing stomach. She went from a cheap rebound to the mother of his child, and soon, his forever companion. And I was and would be there to watch it all unfold, day by day. Day by day, a piece of my heart would break off and die. Day by day, I’d hide in the bathroom and shed a single tear that would eventually amount to a raging river. Day by day, that tiny sliver of envy would grow into rage, hatred, and a soul splitting sadness.


All because I said “Let’s be friends.”

MsPilgrims
February 24th, 2014, 07:42 PM
I loved reading your story, thanks for sharing! The impact on the reader is high, very emotional, it shakes you inside.

I know I don't have the right to give advice (since I'm not a mother tongue) but I'd like to give you my opionion as a reader. I'd try to focus only on the narrative and not on other language aspects that I don't know too well.
So, the first paragraph is very well written but, as one goes on, you feel like the necessity to know the exact reason why the couple cannot be together. There are some hints but I'd spend some more words or hints on the motive of the platonic relationship, the keystone of the entire story.


And in that moment. That one moment it took me to tell my legs not to buckle. That one moment I had to put all my weight into my feet so I didn’t run right out of that place. That one moment it took me to choke back tears. That one moment it took me to regain my composure. That one moment it took me to stop my eyes from screaming “my world is falling apart around me.” That one moment it took me to fake a smile and tell him I was happy for him. That same moment?


The anaphora in this paragraph is used too may times: it ruins the dramatic effect eventually. You use this figure of speech also in the last paragraph with a better outcome though.

In the end, the last phrase has a certain effect but one still wonders about the motivation...

That's all. Sorry for my English and good job!

Roobearrr
February 27th, 2014, 10:33 PM
I really enjoyed this piece, the amount of emotion i felt from it was amazing, so thumbs up!
I got a little confused though, that might just be me (it is late), was he a married man and she was his bit on the side? And then he got an extra bit on the side who he got pregnant?
The only thing i would probably change is the second to the last paragraph. The repetitiveness would have had better impact if you hadn't have done it in the paragraph above, so for me i would stick to doing it in just one of them. But that's just me.
Anyway, i still enjoyed it :)

gamblingworld
April 20th, 2014, 05:31 PM
Wow this is a very real piece. I think I've feared it before, I can certainly relate to the thinking of 'one day I'll win' and then actually losing. This scenario has actually happened to a friend of mine. The way it yanked heart strings for me is a sign that I'd carry on reading if there was more.


Regrets hey?

The language was well arranged, nothing made me stumble, perhaps the paragraphs could be a little more broken up? I agree with the poster above that the build up, repetition device could be toned down a little bit as well. Just a little bit.

b_ann16
May 17th, 2014, 08:42 PM
I really liked it. I liked the aspect of the "I win, he will always be mine because we share so much" to "I lose because you're having his baby and that changes things" The writing is very good. My only discrepency is that I felt there was a few too many "that one moment's" and then you lost the effect you were trying for. The restiveness was just a little too much. But I enjoyed reading it very much.

TaraLin
May 29th, 2014, 04:16 AM
It was a nice read. I totally agree with everyone else about the "that one moment" part. Two or three of those sentences are okay for dramatic affect (I use the same method in my own writing) but when you keep going with them, it loses its appeal.

I was a little confused as well on who was pregnant. Did he divorce his wife and then get her pregnant so he's remarrying here? Or is there a third girl involved in this? So maybe clear that up a bit.

Edata
June 3rd, 2014, 07:43 PM
This is really good, I totally believed it, the intensity is awesome! well done ;)