JayRiggs
February 21st, 2014, 11:15 PM
“Nothing will change but who I lay down with at night. You know how I feel about you.”
He’d never be over me. He told me that. That I was inside his head and I’d never leave. It wasn’t my fault we couldn’t be together. It was the shit hand of fate that I’ve been dealt with since I was born. Wrong place, wrong time. My slogan, my life story. His feelings for me ran deeper and hit him stronger than those he had for the first woman he ever loved. The woman he married while I was still in diapers. Age is just a number, sure. But that number would forever bind us to secret late-night conversations and fighting to keep our relationship platonic, no matter how much we wanted each other. Both brought together and forever kept apart by the same circumstance. And then he “moved on.” On to her. But it wasn’t her. It was proximity. It was availability. And for days I watched them flourish under wraps, all the while giving me the same affection and attention that set us up to do the same. He didn’t really feel for her. How can you fall for someone when someone else had never left your head? Never left your ever fantasy. Never left the deepest and darkest corners of your mind and heart? At least he had the decency to promise me nothing would change when he told me they were together. At least he could reassure me that he’d always be right there when I called. “You were there first, remember?” or my favorite “You know if we could be together…” I had the upper hand. She could walk around in her fantasy world all she wanted for all I cared. He was still mine. You may be laying down with him. But you’ll never connect with him like I did. You’ll never know what I know about him. You’ll never really have him. Go ahead, act like you’ve got the edge over me, in your silent, passive-aggressive, catty way. He’s mine, mentally and emotionally. That’s what counts. So I thought.
Until…
“She’s having my baby. I’m gonna marry her.”
And in that moment. That one moment it took me to tell my legs not to buckle. That one moment I had to put all my weight into my feet so I didn’t run right out of that place. That one moment it took me to choke back tears. That one moment it took me to regain my composure. That one moment it took me to stop my eyes from screaming “my world is falling apart around me.” That one moment it took me to fake a smile and tell him I was happy for him. That same moment? I lost my control. I became nothing and she became everything. I fell from the throne. Lost the tyrannical rule I had over his mind and heart. I lost my only salvation, my only light in the darkness we used to face every day together. Three was a crowd, and four certainly wouldn’t cut it. I lost my partner in crime, and there was no way in hell I could do the job alone.
She won. She got him. There was a photo finish, and she had me by the length of her growing stomach. She went from a cheap rebound to the mother of his child, and soon, his forever companion. And I was and would be there to watch it all unfold, day by day. Day by day, a piece of my heart would break off and die. Day by day, I’d hide in the bathroom and shed a single tear that would eventually amount to a raging river. Day by day, that tiny sliver of envy would grow into rage, hatred, and a soul splitting sadness.
All because I said “Let’s be friends.”
He’d never be over me. He told me that. That I was inside his head and I’d never leave. It wasn’t my fault we couldn’t be together. It was the shit hand of fate that I’ve been dealt with since I was born. Wrong place, wrong time. My slogan, my life story. His feelings for me ran deeper and hit him stronger than those he had for the first woman he ever loved. The woman he married while I was still in diapers. Age is just a number, sure. But that number would forever bind us to secret late-night conversations and fighting to keep our relationship platonic, no matter how much we wanted each other. Both brought together and forever kept apart by the same circumstance. And then he “moved on.” On to her. But it wasn’t her. It was proximity. It was availability. And for days I watched them flourish under wraps, all the while giving me the same affection and attention that set us up to do the same. He didn’t really feel for her. How can you fall for someone when someone else had never left your head? Never left your ever fantasy. Never left the deepest and darkest corners of your mind and heart? At least he had the decency to promise me nothing would change when he told me they were together. At least he could reassure me that he’d always be right there when I called. “You were there first, remember?” or my favorite “You know if we could be together…” I had the upper hand. She could walk around in her fantasy world all she wanted for all I cared. He was still mine. You may be laying down with him. But you’ll never connect with him like I did. You’ll never know what I know about him. You’ll never really have him. Go ahead, act like you’ve got the edge over me, in your silent, passive-aggressive, catty way. He’s mine, mentally and emotionally. That’s what counts. So I thought.
Until…
“She’s having my baby. I’m gonna marry her.”
And in that moment. That one moment it took me to tell my legs not to buckle. That one moment I had to put all my weight into my feet so I didn’t run right out of that place. That one moment it took me to choke back tears. That one moment it took me to regain my composure. That one moment it took me to stop my eyes from screaming “my world is falling apart around me.” That one moment it took me to fake a smile and tell him I was happy for him. That same moment? I lost my control. I became nothing and she became everything. I fell from the throne. Lost the tyrannical rule I had over his mind and heart. I lost my only salvation, my only light in the darkness we used to face every day together. Three was a crowd, and four certainly wouldn’t cut it. I lost my partner in crime, and there was no way in hell I could do the job alone.
She won. She got him. There was a photo finish, and she had me by the length of her growing stomach. She went from a cheap rebound to the mother of his child, and soon, his forever companion. And I was and would be there to watch it all unfold, day by day. Day by day, a piece of my heart would break off and die. Day by day, I’d hide in the bathroom and shed a single tear that would eventually amount to a raging river. Day by day, that tiny sliver of envy would grow into rage, hatred, and a soul splitting sadness.
All because I said “Let’s be friends.”