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View Full Version : That Good Loathing (mature content)



InkwellMachine
February 19th, 2014, 10:44 PM
Oh girl, I hate you so much. I do. I hate you.

The words stuck on his lips, trickling out in a steady stream of molasses. He whispered them as he drove his thumbs into her eye sockets, as her eyeballs slipped aside to let the warmth leak out onto the heel of each palm.

I hate you. You deserve this. Oh god, I fucking hate you.

But it was like a Sunday-school prayer. Nothing but words. And beneath them there was a little boy, curled up on his mother's lap with both thumbs in his mouth, and warm saliva dribbling down onto his palms. The front of his footie pajamas would be all wet, and he'd soil his mom's night gown. But she didn't mind. He was sick with a fever after all, and a sick little boy needs his mother.

Those were the thoughts that felt good. They were the bad thoughts. They made him feel warm and right, and they made it clear why he was doing what he was doing.

But no, he wasn't some Freudian fuck-up. There's only one thing that could make a perfectly stable individual do something like this, and that was loathing.

You FUCKING bitch.

He curled his thumbs into the pulpy flesh behind her eyes. Something caught on his thumb, snapped free. It made a good, meaty sound that pulled him out of his head and back into the darkness. And here, in the dark, he wasn't a little boy. He was just another bad guy with a bad temper. There were a lot of people like him. That was just the way of things. That was just alright.

He couldn't remember why he hated her. Maybe it was the way she walked. The way she looked at him. Maybe it was in the way that she pleaded with him not to rape her, as if that had ever been a real thought. As if she knew.

It didn't really matter. All he knew was that he hated her, and it was that good loathing that made everything alright.

Riptide
February 20th, 2014, 03:41 AM
I like it. It's a nice, loving short story with connections we can all relate to. I do have some helpful critique, though. This line: onto the heel of each palm. The heel of each palm? Do palms have heels? I would suggest the palm of each hand.

Something caught on his thumb, snapped free. Should it be snapping free?
as if that had ever been a real thought - this is awkward, basically because I cant fully wrap my head around it. Is it something like: as if it had ever crossed his mind?

Good read all in all

W. Dallas
February 20th, 2014, 03:58 AM
Palms do appear to have heels. The two hard areas closest to the wrist. I could be wrong. I like the story, the only thing which struck me odd was the first sentence. It reads too literal, as though molasses was actually trickling out of his mouth, rather than words trickling out as though they were molasses.

dagrar
February 20th, 2014, 01:06 PM
The subject matter wasn't my cup of tea but I like the way the story was written. I had to go and look up loathing I had originally thought it meant just a disdain for something but it actually is a extreme disgust for something. Nicely played.

InkwellMachine
February 22nd, 2014, 07:40 AM
Palms do appear to have heels. The two hard areas closest to the wrist. I could be wrong. I like the story, the only thing which struck me odd was the first sentence. It reads too literal, as though molasses was actually trickling out of his mouth, rather than words trickling out as though they were molasses.
I agree with you there. I may change it, although this was just an exercise to get the juices flowing.

Mice of Men
February 24th, 2014, 01:57 AM
Looks good! Of course, this is some mature content but it is well written, and puts a vivid image in my head of the scene. Keep up the good work!

MoM

Reject
February 28th, 2014, 02:12 PM
"The heel of the hand is the area anteriorly to the bases of the metacarpal bones (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Metacarpus#Base), located in the proximal part of the palm. It is the area that sustains most pressure when using the palm of the hand for support, such as in handstand (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Handstand)."

Not that I am a fan of Wiki as a credible source, it works well here. I thought the palm heel reference was "bob-on!" Perfectly in context.

Horrible, unsavory subject matter, I love it!

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hand

bezidentita
March 1st, 2014, 05:32 AM
It reminds me of a lot of the short-story pulp fictiony-type stuff found in the old Alfred Hitchcock Presents Anthologies. Hard hitting, matter of factly. I guess if there was some sort of editing it would be to shorten some of it, like the part about him not being a Fruedian fuck up. Overall, good show. Any yes, it was a nice, loving story with warm emotions we can all relate too (thx, Riptide, ha ha). Would like to see what this turns into.