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View Full Version : Juarez - 650w **Language**



Pluralized
February 19th, 2014, 04:09 AM
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thepancreas11
February 19th, 2014, 10:26 PM
Both,

These characters have great voice. You can tell a lot about them just by the way they speak, which means you'll have to do much less exposition to explain the way they look, talk, and act. When the words they say can do most of the work for you, then you know it's a good, fast read. Anselmo is a callous, sociopathic, cocky, rough-edged Mexican man, and your narrator is this nervous, cautious, semi-sentimental, empathetic "gringo", and that's what I got from those first two paragraphs.

Great foreshadowing with that line about it being "harder to come back." Didn't pick up on that until I read it a second time, but I thought I'd commend you on that, sir.

You might want to add a tag to the first line that they're on the American side of the border. It's not necessary, but it might help the scene bloom faster. Now that you've got more words to explore, I would try to shed some more light onto why Anselmo is about to kill your narrator. At the moment, all I can come up with is that Anselmo is psychotic, and he believes your narrator is losing his nerve to stay in the game any more. You need a line, maybe two in there to make it clearer why he's being abducted, and now, you've got the room to do it.

I would love to see this as the climax to some Coen-style border war story.

Sincerely,
Thepancreas

Mr mitchell
February 20th, 2014, 02:57 PM
Hello Rob, this story packs a great punch that rips us, the reader on a journey which we will never forget in a hurry. I won't, anyway. Great voice in this work, I mean it's the way you write and the characters, mainly, in my eye your main character where we learn all about him by the words you use. There is real character in this and whom I relate to, in a way you shouldn't as at the end of the day, with the menacing action of him killing a couple of people and I shouldn't, as a reader should relate to.

Thanks for sharing

Mr M

HorseCrazy
March 24th, 2014, 04:48 PM
This was an enjoyable read and sucked me right in. Would definitely continue reading.

A_Jones
March 24th, 2014, 07:48 PM
Interesting. Intriguing. Nice use of language to create a background on these guys. Terrifying idea that he is going to end up the way he sent the others.

Timb5
April 25th, 2014, 04:29 AM
Amazing job Rob!

I love how the dialogue phrasing goes that extra bit by indicating more than a general character background but the class as well ('...and this brown motherfucker ain’t going near Cuernavaca.'- suggests to me a guy from a working class background aware of his place culturally and economically). Very subtle and tricky to pull off in such a short piece and you've done it really well here.

Please tell me you're submitting this one, def deserves to be out in the world 8)

SarahJames
May 16th, 2014, 08:28 AM
I liked this. I got to know the main character well in the short time I spent with him.
The only thing I didn't understand was the whole story was in past tense until the last paragraph. It changed to present tense. I felt as if I missed something from "then" to "now"

Holly_M
May 16th, 2014, 03:52 PM
As has been commented by others, your characterisation is great-very well drawn.

There were some instances where the sentence structure didn't flow so well for me, so I found myself tripping over the words. These instances were where there was dialogue though, so it may just be me, but maybe see if you can re-work them slightly.

Also, a comma isn't needed if the word 'and' is used.

Great atmosphere in this piece and sense of place.