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cassie30
February 14th, 2014, 11:47 PM
On the drive home from I swerved the right to avoid hitting a deer. The tires squealed on road as I turned hard on the wheel of my minivan as to avoid the huge pothole. Susan is going too pissed. She’ll probably never lend her car again. Dazed and confused I pulled to the side of the road to examine my surroundings.

J Anfinson
February 15th, 2014, 06:16 PM
On the drive home, <--Comma from I swerved the right (left or right doesn't appear to matter so get rid of it) to avoid hitting a deer. The tires squealed on the road as I turned hard on the wheel of my minivan avoiding as to avoidthea huge pothole. Susan iswas going too to be pissed. She’ll She'd probably never lend me her car again. Dazed and confused, <--Comma I pulled to the side of the road to examine my surroundings.

Seeing as it's just a paragraph, I've focused on correcting the grammar. The first paragraph, the first page, the first chapter, it really doesn't matter what you're working on, it has to be smooth. I hope you can see what I did and why. Any questions, don't be afraid to ask. I don't bite. As long as you keep your fingers out of my cookie jar, that is.

lewis
February 18th, 2014, 04:57 AM
Yeah with the grammatical errors it makes it very difficult to read.

thepancreas11
February 18th, 2014, 05:01 AM
More? Do you have more? We're hungry forumers; feed us!

dagrar
February 21st, 2014, 02:33 AM
Nice Zeppelin reference, good start to a story.

Riptide
February 21st, 2014, 03:55 AM
Well... It's too small for me, and I think it happens too fast. Maybe describe more about something because you just give us him on a road. Is it morning, where is he coming from, are there any other cars? Like what? It feels like something is missing

Kate
February 27th, 2014, 10:27 PM
It has no real substance on it's own like that, and the grammatical errors make it painful to read. Sorry to be blunt.