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Da_Geroto
February 9th, 2014, 05:46 AM
This is a short play I've written, I'm an actor and I use to perform the plays I write in the theatre events that we organize along the year.
I'm argentinian, I speak spanish, so I've translated as I could, correct me if there's something wrong in language.





EMPLOYER


( 1 desk, 2 chairs, a sign with the words: " employees of all types are needed ," the employer is sitting and his assistant standing beside )

Employer: Bring in the first one.


( The assistant goes to fetch the first applicant )
(Enter the assistant and the first applicant , the latter with antipathy , indifference and very bad image )


Employer: ( gets up from the chair and exultant reaches out with an expectant smile )Good afternoon !


Applicant 1: ( groggy ) Hello


Employer: Sit down , get comfortable


( Applicant gropes at his sides without looking the chair , sitting )



Employer: So, tell me : Why you came here ?


Applicant 1: A job search


Employer: Right, yeah yeah, but ... tell me , tell me a bit .


Applicant 1: What do you want me to tell you ?


Employer: Tell me ... uh ... uhm ... ( Seeking Refuge) What you gonna do with the money?


Applicant 1: Well ... I have two chil...


Employer : ( interrupts and exclaims )CHILDREN! , yes , the essential support when you are around forty with pockets and dreams broken , I have three, look ( takes out his cell phone and try to share in the vision ) , wait ... it's glocked , I don't know wh... ( disappointed ) is glocked , yeah ... (To his assistant ) Luis , bring me the " Walaxy " I have the photos in that cellphone too.

( The assistant will search for the phone and hands it to him )


Employer: Here it is , look, this is Fabian, is studying law ... ( Awaiting applicant's approval who acts with complete indifference ) I think. This is Mar... , Marisol , Maribel , no , yes, Marisol ... I think, wants to study psychology, says that " requires self- solve certain problems brought about by the lack of parental affection in the most fateful moments of his neglected childhood " I do not know where she got that ... nonsense guys, right?, and this is John ... (sees the picture with tenderness ) , Johnny ... Johnny does nothing, he is useless, accompanying the mother in vocation (he laughs exorbitantly , completely out of context , no one attached) .


( Applicant is uncomfortable and tired , looks through the employer's assistant )

Employer: (Positive trying to regain composure ) Well, I like you Mr ...


Applicant 1: Daniel


Employer: ... Mr. Daniel , you are hired ( smiling and stretching his hand)


Applicant 1: (Gives his hand suspiciously ) But if I didn't told you for what job I came


Employer: For what job are you here, Daniel?


Candidate 1: The Human Resources Analyst


Employer: You're absolutely hired , congratulations ( shake hands )


(Daniel is shown puzzled, far from understanding what is happening )


Employer: Do not worry , I rely a lot on people with good presence


(Daniel comes out with less confidence than he felt before, her clothes dirty and torn linings look back)


Employer: (To his assistant ) Form following , Luis

(The second applicant enters , dress coat and tie , elegant and shy)


Applicant 2: Good afternoon ( sitting )


Employer : (gets up from his chair to reach out but the applicant was already seated) Good afternoon , what is your name?


Applicant 2: My name is Marcelo


Employer: Marcelo Tell me : What position are you interested in ?


Applicant 2: (very unsure of himself ) ... Well , I was mainly looking for work in something about human resources , accounting, or something ... administrative resources , do not know what you have , really not asking for much .


Employer :Oh what a shame , I just hire someone for the position of Human Resources.


Applicant 2: ( Stranger) Who? The one who... ( Points to the door)


Employer: (Interrupts happy ) Yes, the same , the one who just came out. Well, but I am sure we will find a job according to you, you look like a very consistent person ... with convictions , uhm ... I have a vacancy for exterminator and general maintenance.


( The employer is expectantly waiting for a positive response while the applicant looks uncomfortable )


Applicant 2: ( Embarrassed ) ... Look , I was looking for something a little more efficient ... actually , I have a family and I'm also trying to pursue my business of musical instruments importations ...


Employer: (Interrupts exalted) AH ! Do you like music? , Me too , many years ago had a rock band , we were 4, all from the west side, had very good vibes to all except a rare guy , I never knew the name , we took him out of the band because he did not contribute anything , just as we parted after 2 months because we started to go wrong, this guy put garbage on us , saying we stole him,I don't know ... a disaster, but ... ( recomposed ), I support you in your business, Mr ...


Applicant 2: Nazzari


Employer: Nazzari , well, then you're hired ( stretching his hand to greet )


Applicant 2: ( He responds not quite ready grateful) But ... for what job ?


Employer: ( Compelling ) Well ... for the fumigator one, right?


Applicant 2: (Not convinced at all , waiting for a change ) Oh ...


Employer: ( urging him ) That's it then Mr. Nazzari , hope to see you exterminating the flies and not eating them ( laughs very ridiculous ) .


( Mr. Nazzari rises from the chair, greets and goes slowly to the door , very disappointed )

Employer: (To his assistant ) Is there anyone else , Luis ?


Assistant: Yes , there is one more


Employer: Tell him to come


( The assistant goes looking for him, enters the third applicant , he looks normal , not surprising )


Employer: ( stands up and greets him ) Good afternoon


Candidate 3: (With good humor) Good afternoon, how are you doing , sorry I got half of the time, it happens that I had to go get my kids to school , then the little one didn't want to go with her mother, she wanted to stay with me ... ( Looking approval) You know how it is , right?


Employer: ( Taking pity ) Yes, absolutely , I've lived that, the one never changed a biaper doesn't know what being a father is( laughs ) .


Candidate 3: A what ... ? Sorry, did not understand


Employer: ( Convinced ) A biaper


Candidate 3: (pretends to understand ) Oh ... oh ...


Employer: Well ... tell me : What is your name?


Candidate 3: Nestor


( The employer gives him a quick look strangely )


Employer: Néstor Well , For what position are you here??


Candidate 3: The truth is that any work would be nice , since I divorced my wife, the expenses rised , including school children , alimony , guitar lessons and m...


Employer : ( interrupts ) Oh, your kids play guitar , I used to play too ...


Candidate 3: ( Interrupts ) Yes, I'm taking the boy to guitar lessons because I want him to be what the father never could , I used to have a band ...


Employer: (Interrupts happy )Oh , I also had a band ,what was the name ?


Candidate 3: (Awaiting a reaction ) Gunslingers of the West


Employer: ( Very uncomfortable , pretends distraction ) Oh... nice ...


Candidate 3: ( Ravager ) ... Yes , it was a very good band , was practically made because of me, I've written songs, organizing events , paid the freight of the instruments, everything, there was this guy with a big nose ( the employer pulls a pen on the floor and squats to lift it ) and he self-proclaimed leader of the band decided to take me out because I was jealous (employer under the table makes a gesture to his assistant that the applicant has to leave the office , the assistant does not understand ) , at 4 days they dismissed the band obviously could not go without my genius.


( The third candidate stoops to see what is doing the employer, this one tries to cover his face as he can)


Candidate 3: What are you doing ? What's wrong ?


Employer: ( It costs respond ) Nothing, nothing ...


( The employer pulls down the table from the floor and tries to be completely covered , everything fall from it , he's still gesticulating his assistant to take out Nestor )


Candidate 3: (Gets up from the chair ) Are you ok?


Employer: Y...es, ( to his assistant without dissimulate )Get him out ! Get him out !


Candidate 3: I do not understand ...


( The assistant goes to the candidate with some surprise at the events and accompanies him to the door )


Candidate 3: (Leaving ) You'll calle me later, right?


Employer: ( From under the table ) Yes ... yes.


( The employer ensures that Nestor has left , he reincorporates and accommodates everything as he can)

( Luis enters )


Assistant: Excuse me for asking ... but who was that , what happened ?


Employer: ( He grabs a shoulder ) ( With the air of false wisdom ) Bad people Luis , bad people ... go home if you want, it's time .


( Luis nods and leaves )
( The employer grabs his purse and coat , warbling : " Gunslingers of the west furious whatever it takes " )

Glyph
February 17th, 2014, 01:02 AM
This script seems very absurdist, and although I don't know exactly what is happening, I will say that I did enjoy it.
I really liked the elements where the Employer bursts into seemingly random emotions, such as the laughs and the disinterest at the end. I will say that I interpret this as the Employer being very biased, and is metaphorically remarking on how we all deal with memories that are good (applicant 1 and 2) vs. bad memories (applicant 3). I'm not sure about this, but was applicant 3 intended to have been a member of the Employer's band from before?

Some things you might want to consider:
- In the beginning, things are very clear, in the sense that the reader is easily able to visualise the Employer's actions, as well as the applicants. However, towards the end, when a pen is dropped (?) and the Employer begins hiding himself, I became a little lost, and had to read over that part for clarity. You might want to consider adding more actions to make what is going on a little clearer.
- I'm not sure if this is already proofread, but I would just do another run through of the script, to look for confusions and minor errors (i.e. Employer: Néstor Well , for what position you came from? <-- I don't think "from is the right word - for, maybe?)

Overall I thought it was a good, fun script that made you think. Good luck with this!

Da_Geroto
February 17th, 2014, 03:46 AM
Thanks for your comment Glyph.

The script is obviously absurdist on purpose, and the applicant 3 was the member of the band who was kicked out.

Respect to the end, it's a little hard to put you in scene because the actions made ​​by the employer are very fast and consecutive, I have to work on that.

And right now I'll fix the grammatical errors.

Thanks

Glyph
February 17th, 2014, 06:15 PM
No problem. By the way, I missed the beginning where you said English wasn't your first language! Sorry, I was under the impression it was! For a student with English as a second language, this is really good!

Parts where the 3rd candidate is "pretending to understand" is really authentic.

With respect to actions being fast and consecutive, you may want to consider removing your brackets for your actions; in other words, you don't need to have as much dialogue if you want to emphasize the actions. You can just make a paragraph of actions and have them all in italics instead of brackets in front of dialogue.

Ex.
Seema took hold of her grandmother's hand, tears rolling down her cheeks. She sniffs and tries rubbing off the stinging tears with her other hand, but her face is soon filled with more; they don't stop. She doesn't turn to look at the door as it creaks open, instead she moves her eyes to stare at the heart monitor. The monitor displays faint mountains and troughs, and Seema quickly turns away, not wanting to cry any more. A hand rests on her shoulder and she uses her free hand to touch it.
Seema: (not looking up) Do you think she has much longer?

You can use a "show-don't-tell" technique to write just a paragraph of actions and no inner dialogue/feeling. Then after, you can begin the dialogue again. I understand the candidate is trying to get the job so he is talking in the middle, but this may be a structure you might want to think about if (in the script) the actions of the employer are more important than the dialogue between him and the candidate.

Good luck!

Da_Geroto
February 18th, 2014, 04:32 AM
Yes, I tried to do it like that, like the original plays.
But I wanted to be so specific so that's why I've put those brackets in the middle of the dialogue, so you don't get lost with the actions pre-dialogue.
I'll try it in that way
Thanks

Yfig
March 17th, 2014, 11:59 PM
This text let me an impression of surrealism (a french artist mouvement in beginning of 20th century).
If I do understand ... in other words ... what I do understand ... is that recruiters are ofently subjects of their own psychos !
He hire the 1st one just on enthousiast impression.
The second one he hire him because he thinks 'he could be' an accountant ...

So all of this is just a plea for absurdity of recruiters who doesn't know anything about the job they recruit for ....

I remember a human ressources manager recruiting for a computer ingeener who was not able to use it's own computer !!!

Forgive my english and any misunderstanding ... thanks

Da_Geroto
March 18th, 2014, 05:26 AM
This text let me an impression of surrealism (a french artist mouvement in beginning of 20th century).
If I do understand ... in other words ... what I do understand ... is that recruiters are ofently subjects of their own psychos !
He hire the 1st one just on enthousiast impression.
The second one he hire him because he thinks 'he could be' an accountant ...

So all of this is just a plea for absurdity of recruiters who doesn't know anything about the job they recruit for ....

I remember a human ressources manager recruiting for a computer ingeener who was not able to use it's own computer !!!

Forgive my english and any misunderstanding ... thanks

It's a nice analysis, and its kinda surrealist too, I've been inspired by Monty Python and humour like that.

Yfig
March 18th, 2014, 12:31 PM
If you are interested by surealism (Monty Python inspire from it) names of artits of this movement are André Breton (le leader) Breton stay on it from the beginning around 1920 till the end.

Others just pass through. Dali, Picabia, Marx Ernst ... and so on ... writers, painters, musicians (Eric Satie ...) many artists had been inspired by it and from time to time we find contemporary people who claim from it.

It's a good way to laugh at ridiculous people who estim themselves upper guys. :) :)

A_Jones
March 18th, 2014, 01:57 PM
I liked this. Very funny. How he was kind of confronted with a better version of himself there at the end. Kind of a more successful him, the oddity of the situation is that candidate 3 isnt quite as successful because he is looking to be hired by employer. You know?

I can tell English isnt your first language, because I have worked with ESL people. You often misplace such words as 'then' a lot. You did a wonderful job considering.

This reminded me of the many (what we call) sketches in my theater classes in school (I minored in it). So well done. Well done! I think you achieved your goal!

Da_Geroto
March 18th, 2014, 05:30 PM
If you are interested by surealism (Monty Python inspire from it) names of artits of this movement are André Breton (le leader) Breton stay on it from the beginning around 1920 till the end.

Others just pass through. Dali, Picabia, Marx Ernst ... and so on ... writers, painters, musicians (Eric Satie ...) many artists had been inspired by it and from time to time we find contemporary people who claim from it.

It's a good way to laugh at ridiculous people who estim themselves upper guys. :) :)

I'll take a look to André Breton, I also like too much the Marx Brothers, they're not my predilection in comedy, but I really like them, I think I have an extense taste of humour, I love almost every kind of humour since black humour, passing by smart humour, absurdist humour, green humour, etc.

I would like you to take a look to my recent story (which had been criticized in several ways)
http://www.writingforums.com/threads/145775-Dirty-Selfishness-2000-words


I liked this. Very funny. How he was kind of confronted with a better version of himself there at the end. Kind of a more successful him, the oddity of the situation is that candidate 3 isnt quite as successful because he is looking to be hired by employer. You know?

I can tell English isnt your first language, because I have worked with ESL people. You often misplace such words as 'then' a lot. You did a wonderful job considering.

This reminded me of the many (what we call) sketches in my theater classes in school (I minored in it). So well done. Well done! I think you achieved your goal!

Yes, the third candidate is kinda better than the rest of the candidates, but also, he's the guy from the old employer's band, that's why he reacts like that and tries to avoid him.

Yes, I can tell I used to misuse some words, it would help me too much if you correct me those errors.

Actually, In the events organized by my theater classes's teacher I write sketches like this, and then I perform them.

I would like you to take a look to my recent story (which had been criticized in several ways)
http://www.writingforums.com/threads/145775-Dirty-Selfishness-2000-words

illiteratewriter
March 20th, 2014, 04:56 AM
seems to flow, id just trim the narrative a little. dont need to lose anything just clean up the language