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Ninjabobdude
February 8th, 2014, 09:44 PM
“Are you sure this is a good idea? Whenever we just walk, something bad always happens.” He said fidgeting with his rifle. A bang confirmed his prediction. “Sniper!” The call was almost instant. Before I had time to react, “You are dead” appeared on the screen along with a second shot.

Hello. I hope you enjoyed my brief little story. This was actually originally the result of an English assignment and I liked it, so I decided to post it. Any and all feedback would be greatly appreciated. Let me know if this post is missing anything since it's my first post. Thank you for reading :D

j.w.olson
February 9th, 2014, 02:02 AM
I assume it's not intended to be repeated twice?

Writing short short stories is a lot of fun, I've found, and quite a challenge. I've found that I can do a character vignette, or a little piece of plot, but rarely both, and I can't seem to ever get much depth to the story. What you've got is a bit of plot, and it works, and it was enjoyable to read. Not a lot of depth, but you did well within the constraints you were given, I think.

Ninjabobdude
February 9th, 2014, 02:20 AM
Thank you for the feedback. And I fixed the repeat, sorry about that. I don't know why it did that, all I did was copy and paste so I'm wondering if thats a bug or if I just messed it up.

Jake Creamer
February 20th, 2014, 11:16 PM
In real life, (and in current, quality video games), you don't hear the sound of the rifle firing first. What you hear is a sharp hissing, with a thump sound when it's close (from impacting near you), followed by the crack sound. In my experience all firearms of a given caliber have a different timbre than others.
Also, when ambushed, people tend to start shooting anything and anyone that appears to be a sniper. The first round comes in, and experienced soldiers immediately start laying down suppressive fire.
At any rate, no need to belabor the point. I like the uncertainty of the situation, and how the fidgeting betrays the nerves of the comrade. Well done

SonneLore
March 8th, 2014, 07:43 AM
It's definitely an interesting concept, and as a gamer myself I can see the draw to putting to paper things I experience in-game, but it feels a little disingenuous. As Jake has said, the SFX are off a bit which most people wouldn't pick up on but an even slightly knowledgable gamer would, considering gamers would be your target audience I would rethink your description of the environment a bit, maybe watch some FPS in-game footage to get a better idea of the scene you're trying to set. Otherwise, well played.

Outiboros
March 9th, 2014, 09:55 AM
In real life, (and in current, quality video games), you don't hear the sound of the rifle firing first. What you hear is a sharp hissing, with a thump sound when it's close (from impacting near you), followed by the crack sound. In my experience all firearms of a given caliber have a different timbre than others.
The reason being that the bullet is supersonic, going faster than sound, and arrives at the target before the sound of the shot.


“Are you sure this is a good idea? Whenever we just walk, something bad always happens.” He said fidgeting with his rifle. A bang confirmed his prediction. “Sniper!” The call was almost instant. Before I had time to react, “You are dead” appeared on the screen along with a second shot.

Hello. I hope you enjoyed my brief little story. This was actually originally the result of an English assignment and I liked it, so I decided to post it. Any and all feedback would be greatly appreciated. Let me know if this post is missing anything since it's my first post. Thank you for reading :D
One little thing:

"Whenever we just walk, something bad always happens.” He said fidgeting with his rifle.

Should be:

"Whenever we just walk, something bad always happens,” he said fidgeting with his rifle.

It's a very common mistake.