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ericjohn
February 5th, 2014, 10:53 PM
Emmett's truck was running low on fuel, so he exited off the I 10 and pulled into a filling station. As he walked up to the counter to pay for the fuel he just pumped, he noticed the cashier and began to talk to her. Her name tag said "Kira." She was a tall and skinny young woman with pale skin and dirty blonde hair and appeared to be about 25. She smiled at him.

Emmett smiled back and said "I was on pump 4." Then handed her 2 $20 bills. Their hands touched as Emmett gave her the cash. He hadn't had human contact with anyone in quite a while and her hands felt so loving against his.

She smiled brightly and said "That's a cute accent. You're not from around here are you?"

He smiled back and said "I am from New Orleans, actually."

Her eyes lit up and she said "Wow. I heard it is a beautiful city, but it is plagued with criminals."

Emmett replied "You can say that again, beb!"

She looked confused and said "Beb? What is that?"

Emmett smiled and said "Oh, that is a Cajun French word of endearment. I call a girl or woman beb when I think she is nice."

The young woman's eyes lit up as she asked "So you think I am nice?"

"Of course I do!" Emmett replied.

The young woman replied "I think you are nice too." She paused and then continued "I am Kira by the way." "

Right, I saw that on your name tag." Emmett said as he smiled.

The young woman asked "So you were interested in finding out my name from the get go?" Kira asked.

Emmett replied "Yes. I just as soon tell the truth. I was interested in getting to know you as I think you are pretty. I want to even more since I now know you are nice."

Kira then said "Well, since you are interested in me, I must know your name too."

He replied "It's Emmett. Emmett Paul Barrow."

Kira smiled and said "Well it is a wonderful pleasure to meet you; Emmett Barrow."

He paused and then said "I believe you have a middle and last name as well."

Kira replied "It's Kira Ann McClellan. Sorry, I should have told you that already." She paused then asked him "So what brings you to San Antonio?"

Emmett replied "I am actually on the run from some criminals over in New Orleans and I really have no place to go."

Kira had a look of sadnees and shock on her face but then said "Well, Emmett, since you are so nice, you can stay with me. I have my one room in a boarding house."

Emmett replied "Oh, Kira, I could kiss you for that."

Kira replied with a wink "Why don't you?" Emmett replied "It would be a happy honor to kiss you." They embraced and their lips locked.

Emmett then asked "What would your employer think of you kissing me on the job." He wouldn't mind at all. He also owns the boarding house where I stay and, actually, he takes in people who are on the run from criminals." She paused, then continued "I get off at 6 AM. If you wish; you could wait in the back room."

Emmett replied "Sure, let me just grab my bags." Emmett walked out and then parked his truck closer to the entrance. He then retrieved his backpack and walked to the back room. Before he entered; he reached into his backpack and handed Kira one of his Mini Maglite he had purchased.

As he was handing it to her he said "Here. This is for you. Try it out. Twist the head and it will turn on."

Kira did so and was amazed at its brightness. She kissed him and said "Well, thank you Emmett. I will carry it everywhere I go."

Emmett replied "Good, you never know when you might need it." Kira kissed him and then he went lie down on the couch in the back room. Emmett was able to rest, at least for a few hours. His sleeping was in and out with anxiety, but at the same time excitement for what might happen between him and Kira. He looked at his watch which indicated 1:02. He stared at the glowing hands and increments as his anticipation continued to build. For a brief period he fell back asleep.

TheWriteStuff
February 7th, 2014, 11:27 PM
Have you tried reading this out loud? I think that would help with the dialogue. Certain phrases, like "I am" instead of the much more conversationally common "I'm" (just an example) would make that aspect flow more. Along with the dialogue, you could throw more mystery into their interaction. Emmett sounds like he hasn't been enamored with someone for a while, so does it make sense that he is as forward as he is?

Hope this helps!

ericjohn
February 8th, 2014, 01:41 AM
Have you tried reading this out loud? I think that would help with the dialogue. Certain phrases, like "I am" instead of the much more conversationally common "I'm" (just an example) would make that aspect flow more. Along with the dialogue, you could throw more mystery into their interaction. Emmett sounds like he hasn't been enamored with someone for a while, so does it make sense that he is as forward as he is?

Hope this helps!


OK...Sorry. I will try to read it out loud. Just haven't had a chance to do it without the Mrs. making trouble with me for doing so.

Neither have been enamored with anyone in a good while, it's just the story has more perspective on Emmett than Kira. Kira is much more affectionate and eventually (not posted on here) gets Emmett to be intimate with her. He has a reverence for her and doesn't want to just use her.

As I have said on Writer's Beat; I am from Louisiana. Almost no one uses proper grammar when they speak. I had a Developmental English instructor point that out almost 6 years ago. She also said that most people nowadays write like they speak, and it should NOT be that way. I know my written grammar isn't perfect either, but I try to write with the most proper grammar I can fathom. People on Writer's Beat have told me this as well. I tell them that I guess I am over compensating for my poor speaking grammar and trying to NOT write like I speak. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Sage Celestine
March 9th, 2014, 04:49 PM
Have you ever worked at a gas station/convenience store?

They are not the ideal jobs for finding romance... plus I'm pretty sure this passed by a few steps in the dating sequence. I feel this escalated rather quickly from complete strangers to living together. At the very least it needs more dialogue of them getting to know each other, and I don't think I would trust somebody I just met who was on the run. Not to let them wait in the back room or invited in my humble abode.

stormageddon
March 10th, 2014, 07:25 PM
There are two things I find particularly odd in this: firstly, the narrative is informal and fairly conversational, but the dialogue is quite the opposite in most instances. For example, saying "it is", "you are", "I am" as opposed to "it's", "you're" and "I'm" is uncommon in speech because it sounds quite formal, and with the exception of Kira's first utterance the pair barely use any contractions at all. The contrast between this and your dialogue makes the speech seem quite robotic and unnatural, so I would change it- just listen to how people talk, that's how your characters should sound.

That was my main point. My second- if Kira's boss takes in people who are on the run from criminals, surely he would give Emmett a room of his own? Why should he have to share with Kira? I understand that this is partly the romance at its work, but the story just seems too unrealistic, and if you intend to expand on it, I suggest you give that aspect of things a little more thought.

I will admit, I am not a fan of romance but if I was, I imagine I would be rather intrigued by the direction the story is taking.

J.J. Maxx
March 10th, 2014, 09:27 PM
Ah, a classic boy-meets-girl scenario. Truth is, it never gets old. I agree with the problem of speed, as the romance happens far too fast to be realistic. Even a reader who really wants to believe it will have a hard time swallowing it.

Besides that, let's get down to some of the nitty gritty of back-and-forth dialogue.

First of all, whenever you have two people bantering back and forth, your dialogue tags should be as minimum as possible. The reader will be easily able to keep track of who is talking without your efforts and it actually becomes noticeable.

Here, I will show you what I mean...


"Beb? What is that?"

"Oh, that is a Cajun French word of endearment. I call a girl or woman beb when I think she is nice."

"So you think I am nice?"

"Of course I do!"

"I think you are nice too. I'm Kira by the way."

"Right, I saw that on your name tag."

"So, you were interested in finding out my name from the get go?"

"Yes. I just as soon tell the truth. I was interested in getting to know you as I think you are pretty. I want to even more since I now know you are nice."

"Well, since you are interested in me, I must know your name too."

"It's Emmett. Emmett Paul Barrow."

"Well it is a wonderful pleasure to meet you; Emmett Barrow."

"I believe you have a middle and last name as well."




See how it flows better? You don't need to say 'replied' or 'asked' because we already know that.

Good luck!

Cheers!

JJ

Aiyooona
March 28th, 2014, 11:29 PM
I agree with the others. This could be a good story. Personally, they moved WAY too fast. When does that actually happen?