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MrsC
February 4th, 2014, 01:39 PM
This is a scene from my first novel WIP. I'd be very grateful of any feedback

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As I made my way over I could see four guys seated at the table. I felt the oddest sensation descend over me. I couldn’t place the feeling but it reminded me of being a child waking up on Christmas morning, excited to see what Santa had bought you, but anxious because you didn’t know what to expect. Hundreds of butterflies fluttered furiously in my stomach. It had been a long evening; I was tired, hungry and clearly a little bit delusional. As I reached the table, I handed out the menus, and gave my usual speech.


"Hi, I'm Livy I'll be your server for the evening. We have Rocky's BBQ Ribs on special tonight, and just to let you know we’re out the Rib Eye. I'll grab your drinks and be back over shortly to take your order", I glanced at the four heads turned in my direction and smiled.
I recognised the guy wearing the green and gold jersey, I'm pretty certain he was on the team, which was unusual given that he was without them on game weekend. The dark haired guy sitting opposite him looked familiar but I couldn’t place him. He wasn't wearing the giveaway green and gold, which suggested he wasn't local. I didn't recognise the other two. As I walked away from the table I had the odd feeling of being watched. What was with me to tonight, I was losing it.


Collecting the drinks tray I headed back with the four beers. Rocky’s relied mainly on student custom so Forest was fairly lenient on his carding system, but most students knew how to get hooked up with a fake I.D anyway. Staci had scored us one each during fresher’s week. I dished out the beers and started with the orders. Scribbling down three Rocky’s Ribs I looked up at Mr Familiar and questioned him with my eyes.


"Can I get the Rocky Tower Burger easy on the sauce, fries, no pickles please Liv". He was staring right into my eyes, as if he was waiting for something. I felt my cheeks blush and tried to concentrate on writing down the order. Why did he look so familiar? I smiled and collected up the menus. As I headed to the till it hit me. Liv, he had called me Liv. No-one had ever called me Liv, except for a guy I hadn’t thought about in a very long time. Ethan.


I was craning my neck around the bar divide to get a good look at the table, when Forest approached me and asked me to help him restock the bar. I was the longest standing waitress and had become his go-to-girl. He asked Monique to cover my table and we headed off out back to storage. I'd really wanted to try sneak a peek at Ethan. It'd had been over two and a half years since I last saw him, he looked different, all grown up. Longer hair, broader shoulders, stubble on his matured face, but the same intense dark eyes. How had I not recognised him straight away. The way he said my name, it was like his voice was trying to convey a hundred meanings. I shook my head, hell, it was happening again. It was like I couldn't think straight around him. Two and a half years and he still had an inexplicable effect on my equilibrium.

TheWriteStuff
February 9th, 2014, 10:07 AM
I'm going to make comments in red as I read through. Hope these are of help!


As I made my way over I could see four guys seated at the table. I felt the oddest sensation descend over me. I couldn’t place the feeling but it reminded me of being a child waking up on Christmas morning, excited to see what Santa had bought you, but anxious because you didn’t know what to expect. I like this description. That anxiety is perfect because presents represent either disappointment, expectation, or surprise. Maybe introduce her expectations for the interaction and then later reveal which of the three actually happened? Hundreds of butterflies fluttered furiously in my stomach. Butterflies are a bit of a cliche. Can you say this in a more original way? It had been a long evening; I was tired, hungry and clearly a little bit delusional. As I reached the table, I handed out the menus, and gave my usual speech. Was not expecting her to be a waitress. I thought she was approaching as another patron of the restaurant.


"Hi, I'm Livy I'll be your server for the evening. Like the name. We have Rocky's BBQ Ribs on special tonight, and just to let you know we’re out the Rib Eye. I'll grab your drinks and be back over shortly to take your order", I glanced at the four heads turned in my direction and smiled.
I recognised the guy wearing the green and gold jersey, I'm pretty certain he was on the team, which was unusual given that he was without them on game weekend. What team? Might want to introduce who they all are earlier into the story. The dark haired guy sitting opposite him looked familiar but I couldn’t place him. He wasn't wearing the giveaway green and gold, which suggested he wasn't local. I didn't recognise the other two. As I walked away from the table I had the odd feeling of being watched. What was with me to tonight, I was losing it. Weren't they watching her though? I'm not sure what the tone of this story is supposed to be. Does she like them? Are they dangerous figures? How does she perceive them? How do others perceive them?


Collecting the drinks tray I headed back with the four beers. College aged people? How old is everyone? Rocky’s relied mainly on student customers so Forest was fairly lenient on his carding system, but most students knew how to get hooked up with a fake I.D anyway. Staci had scored us one each during fresher’s week. Answers the question, but you may want to introduce this earlier to eliminate confusion. I dished out the beers and started with the orders. Scribbling down three Rocky’s Ribs I looked up at Mr Familiar and questioned him with my eyes. Who is Mr. Familiar? Maybe you introduce him earlier, but for this scene there are a lot of new characters without much to separate them by and it's getting a bit confusing.


"Can I get the Rocky Tower Burger easy on the sauce, fries, no pickles please Liv". He was staring right into my eyes, as if he was waiting for something. I felt my cheeks blush and tried to concentrate on writing down the order. Why did he look so familiar? I smiled and collected up the menus. As I headed to the till it hit me. Liv, he had called me Liv. No-one had ever called me Liv, except for a guy I hadn’t thought about in a very long time. Ethan. Would she not recognize him?


I was craning my neck around the bar divide to get a good look at the table, when Forest approached me and asked me to help him restock the bar. I was the longest standing waitress and had become his go-to-girl. He asked Monique to cover my table and we headed off out back to storage. I'd really wanted to try sneak a peek at Ethan. It'd had been over two and a half years since I last saw him, he looked different, all grown up. Longer hair, broader shoulders, stubble on his matured face, but the same intense dark eyes. How had I not recognised him straight away. The way he said my name, it was like his voice was trying to convey a hundred meanings. I shook my head, hell, it was happening again. It was like I couldn't think straight around him. Two and a half years and he still had an inexplicable effect on my equilibrium.

Roobearrr
February 13th, 2014, 10:23 PM
Okay so at the beginning it read okay, i liked the way it made me feel excited to see who these new four guys were and what impact they would have on the MC.
Then when it got to the second paragraph i got confused with the descriptions. Team, what team is this? You could expand on this. Also the name Forest threw me i had to read that sentence twice. Some of the sentences need question marks too e.g. 'What was with me tonight?' and other punctuation either not there or too many.
I also agree with the person above, how could she not recognise a guy she was clearly in love with?
All in all, it started good then got a bit wobbley but i would still want to read on.
Hope this helped :/