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Crying
January 27th, 2014, 05:08 PM
Lola tripped, for the third time in a matter of only minutes. The street was slick, her slicker was wet, and a damper damper than the water itself was settling on her mood like a corrosive gas, tickling its way through to her heart.
“Bugger,” She muttered into the pavement, shifting her hands to judge the damage and wincing at the pain that pecked at her palms like a thousand tiny chickens with razor-sharp beaks. Lola’s mummy had told her to bring an umbrella, and Lola had denied as always, and now the water hanging on the air was so thick it was turning into hands, reaching around the folds of her slicker and pulling at her clothing, which became heavier and heavier as she walked.

(So I love this- but I'm not quite sure what to do with it. Any tips on that or just general reviews/corrections? Thanks!)

Tiberius
January 30th, 2014, 01:19 PM
You have the same or similar words very close to each other a few times. "...slick, her slicker was..." and "...a damper damper than..." could both use some revising, I think.

Also, the metaphor of a corrosive gas and how it tickles it's way to her heart is very clashing. Corrosive gases don't tickle.

You start the scene with her tripping, but then you go off describing what the situation is, and by the time you get to her inspecting the damage, I;d forgotten what had happened. Perhaps you could set the scene first, then mention that she tripped, or mention that she picked herself up off the ground.

How old is Lola? You refer to her mommy, which makes it sound like she;s a little girl, but the word "bugger" doesn't strike me as something a little girl would say.

Finally, you end it by saying that the rain is making her clothes heavier (her raincoat must not be a very good one!) as she is walking, but when we last saw her, she had fallen over and there was no mention of her getting up. I thought she was still on the ground.

Crying
January 31st, 2014, 05:17 PM
For the first bit with the similar words, I was trying to do it on purpose to give it a little bit of cadence. Perhaps it didn't work if it struck you as unpleasant or uncareful.
The corrosive gas part may have been a bad move :-# I was writing quickly. I could definitely take that out.
I was thinking that she would be a sort of rude little girl, possibly growing up in a rough neighborhood or something.
And about the tripping- I think I might've started that thought and forgotten to finish it! Thank you! :>

tinacrabapple
February 2nd, 2014, 01:03 AM
I didn't care for this, because I don't feel it is necessarily written for younger children. I can explain further if you are interested.

bazz cargo
February 2nd, 2014, 01:12 AM
Hi Crying,
this is interesting. The use of wordage reminds me of poetry that is counterpointed with blunt prose. An interesting effect. I cannot see where this snippet would lead you, although I would keep it somewhere safe. Many the times I have gone back and mined old stuff, so never ever through anything away.

I found this a rewarding read.
Thank you
Bazz