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coolcold40
January 26th, 2014, 04:06 PM
“Ya know something Fe?” I yawned and met the eyes of my friend. She was trying for conversation again when I wanted none, normal happenstance.

“Yes Sara, I know something, or do you not mean the fact that I am a freak?” Her eyebrows go up with a smile. Her face gave way to her thoughts though I had no clue to what she wanted me to know. It didn’t matter all that much I had coffee. Picking it up and taking a sip feeling the warmth spread through me. Beautiful coffee in the wonderful coffee shop.

“Fe,” looks like she recovered well from my comment, “I’m talking about him.” She’s pointing somewhere with her purple fingernail though I can’t exactly see where. Do I really have to look over? Might as well. The guy she was talking about was staring at me. A cigarette was held delicately in his left hand which looked to be a bit scarred.

“That’s a tad odd,” I said not really paying attention to my words knowing Sara had wanted a response. But I also wasn’t talking about the fact the guy was staring at me, it was his hand that I found odd. The guy had a hoodie on I finally took note off, the hood itself was back leaving his long red hair breathing air. It was like a long nest above strangely dark green eyes and a crooked nose. His jeans hung nicely on his hips.

I felt someone grab my arm, “Hey Fe, ya listening to me?” My attention switches to Sara with a bit of covered annoyance. Her hair, blonde as blonde can be, was tied back into a long pony. Those milky brown eyes glaring at me. She probably thought the conversation was important, whatever she had been saying of course. “Fe, do you think that guy likes you?” Nope, not important and anyways I could tell he wasn’t exactly into me.

“I’ll go ask his name.” She continued after figuring out that I was only half listening. Why did she have to make a big deal about everything? I watched as she got up, she happened to be wearing this obnoxiously short dress that was the color of puke. She was over to the guy in seconds, her face was all smiles. The guy on the other hand had ripped his gaze from me with a look of amused annoyance. It looked to be the guy was nodding. To what? I have no clue.

I looked around the coffee shop. Their conversation didn’t matter to me, I didn’t know the guy and I didn’t care if he starred at me. There were about fifteen people in the small place all regulars like me and Sara. I talked to some but I never say much when they try to talk when I don’t want to. Marci, the coffee shop’s owner walked over and sat down in Sara’s set, “Who’s the cutie checking you out?” I shrugged liking Marci’s presence.

“I’m not sure, he’s probably knew in town.” Marci with her little over weight body smile. Brown eyes below her blonde hair. She was less of a blonde than Sara in every way. “Sara’s trying to hook me up again.”

“That never ends well.” I smile, Maric had watched Sara try to hook me up before, all the boys tend to run away when they find out I play with knives when they wish to hit me. It always seems as if Sara hooks me up with the abusive ones.

I took note that Sara was walking back over. She sat back down across from me. After Maric stood up with a nod of good luck and went back to work.

“He’s new in town.” I chuckle. “He thinks you’re pretty.” A lot of guys think that. “Fe aren’t ya interested about this guy?”

“Nope.”

“Then I’m going to date him.”

“Good luck with that.” I didn’t care about what she did as long as it didn’t involve something illegal. But then again I probably should care since this one was probably abusive like the rest. I’d protect her if those were his true colors though. No matter how annoying Sara could get she was my family the one and only.

“Do ya want to know his name?” Nope, well better yet I won’t answer. I was quite curious as to how she would react to silence given the current situation. I felt the guy’s gaze on me, green eyes freaked me out quite a bit, I was tense. “Hey Fe, why don’t you answer for once?” Nope, we never needed to start to talk about this green eyed guy.

“Hey.” I hadn’t even noticed that he had come to our table. His voice though was deep and silky, I wanted to never hear it again. “I hear you like me.”

Sara had lied to him. “In your dreams.” Sara was glaring at me as she scooted in. He slid in by Sara looking at me with quite a bit of interest.

“Fe can’t you be nice?”

“Can’t you stop lying to strangers.” I shot back lazily. Her eyes were shooting daggers as his were making me tense. They seemed to me like scanners on Star Trek or something. I knew he liked what he saw but I didn’t like what I saw about him. Though he didn’t have his cigarette. I looked at his left hand, I had been right it was scarred up like no tomorrow. It wasn’t from fighting, looked to be more burn scars.

“So your name’s Fe?” It wasn’t, it was Faith but no one knew that these days.

“That’s not her real name though.” Sara added, I sent her a look. She looked to be slightly scared by my gaze probably an act. The guy laughed. It was a warm laugh and it needed to stop. “Well it’s not.”

“What’s your real name?” Silence, I was tense as hell and I gave him silence. Those green eyes filled with amused curiosity, his face displaying his thoughts perfectly. My concentration switching from his face to his hand. His right hand wasn’t scarred until the wrist, I couldn’t tell if he had scars all the way up his arms.

“Who are you thinking about when you look at me?” I asked reading his face like it was a book I owned. Shock covered those eyes, he hadn’t expect this. He probably thought no one could read this book that was him.

“Fe don’t be stupid he’s thinking about you of course.” He smiled obviously he thought she was stupid, the look on his face gave him away and I hated him.

“I don’t know who you are but she is not stupid.” The smile was back with more shock. This was too easy. “Now, who do you think about when you look at me?” I could tell he didn’t like that I could read what he was thinking.

“How is it that easy for you to read my face?” I smiled slightly, this was officially amusing me. I wasn’t planning on answering his question until he answered mine. I saw the dawning of the fact straight on his face. “A girl, her name was Grace, she died. She was my sister.” I lifted an eyebrow, I reminded him of his sister? That’s a new one.

“Fe, why are you guys leaving me out of the conversation.”

“You pulled her out of a fire didn’t you?” More shock, anger flared under the forest of his eyes. He wanted to hit something, but to my surprise it wasn’t me. “Why are you angry?”

“Do you know me or something?” If it were possible there would probably be steam coming from his nose. I saw Sara’s hand as she waved it in front of my face, I ignored it and kept my gaze with him.

“You’re not good at hiding your scars,” I said softly thinking of my own scars. They weren’t important, no one knew about them not even Sara. “You were just holding that cig, you don’t smoke.” He face was blank but the emotions he was having was obvious in the way he sat there. He regretted coming over to the table being as stiff as a rod he was, his unscarred hand bunched in a fist.

“Ashton who’s these two?” He swung around to face a guy, so his name was Ashton.

“This is Fe,” pointing to me, “And blonde’s Sara.” Sara was staring at the guy that was apparently Ashton’s friend. “Fe’s god-damned hot, but annoying as hell.” I couldn’t see his face but I know he was smiling. “She’s a copy of Grace man and its killing me.”

“How is she annoying?” I excused myself from the table, I didn’t need to hear them talk about me. Sara was too busy staring at Ashton’s friend to notice my absentice. I pulled on my coat and walked out of the coffee shop feeling alone. The chill of the wind made it worse, it reminded me of Ryan.



“Faith you’re so silly, without your coat girl.” I laughed, feeling his coat wrap around me as the snow tumbled down. His arm around my waist, I look up but I can’t remember how his face looked at that moment anymore just his hair. The jet-black hair in short curls about the top of his head. He was in a T-shirt now that he gave me his coat. He was the silly one.

“Ray you’re going to freeze.”

“Who’s fault is that. I’d have to say my Faith.” Ryan, the only one to call me by my name. The only one I let call me by my name.

“Get in the car Ray!” His chuckle shakes me. He bends and opens my door for me, always the gentleman. Running in front of the car he came to the other side and got in the drivers side.

“Faith I love you girl, silly thing that wishes me to freeze.” My smile is wide as he backs up. “You’re my distraction from everything.” I feel his hand on my thigh as the car jolts back.

I look at his face, it’s clear now, I remember those brown eyes full of shock as we slid into the ice of the lake that bordered my driveway back then. His lips thin and blue as the water swallows him. He’s pushing me out of the car but he’s stuck. I try to pull him out, the water coming to his chin his black hair plastered to his face. His mouth forms the word “no” but is unable to say it, the breath out of his lungs.

I had gotten out of the car, his coat hung to my small frame dripping icicles. I’m unable to stop as the water submerges the car and watch as Ryan drowned his brown eyes always on me. Before the life left his body I saw him smile, he had told me once that he wished his last sight of life to be of my face.

I called the police on my phone knowing it wouldn’t help Ryan. I had stood there with a big yellow blanket around my shoulders not letting them to take me away as they pulled out his body. I had ran over hoping there was life left in that body. I knew though, that he was dead, that smile had said it all, and it was still on his face. I couldn’t feel anything right then the world came down. I was on the ground, a warmth at my side like his arm.

It was sticky the warmth I thought was Ryan. I felt the world around me as they lifted me onto a gurney though I could barely tell what was real as they slid me in that ambulance.

Kevin
January 26th, 2014, 07:35 PM
Hello coolcold

A little piece of something that successfully sets a scene; coffee shop (no need detail) three characters, narrator, friend and Mr.-mysterious-green-eyes... okay, so your, some might say, cliché teen-angsty dark/ironic, girl meets boy blah blah blah....So what? Boy meets girl is as old as Adam and Eve and still, we want to see it. Tell them to stuff it.

Now what makes your piece any better? Twists...and character. Ah-huh(affirmative) go with the character (as you seem to be able to already do) The boredom/apathy aspect is a start (and been oft-used by others) but the reveal of causation(scuse me) her past hurts; his too; as far as why she acts like she does (detached etc.)is not bad. Perhaps some additional complication and detail. Probably you already have that. No need to rush it.

I think a slightly more defined ( with minor adjustments) connection between the (italicized) mental reminisce and the actual events (in the shop) could enhance... I think you're on the right track. I was drawn in.

some nits:

“Yes Sara, I know something, or do you not mean the fact that I am a freak?” - I struggled with this. felt a bit long, cumbersome. Maybe a re-wording or a break between...

It didn’t matter all that much I had coffee. Picking it up and taking a sip feeling the... - some missing punctuation

“Fe,” looks like she "Fe..."

but the emotions he was having was obvious in the way he sat there was/were? dump the added description: way he sat there- doesn't need it. The scenes already there (and well done, by the way)

More shock, anger flared under the forest of his eyes.- dump the italics(mine). Too fluffy...and the next sentence makes it clear, who, what

about this...- in this (?)

He face was blank- oops

who’s these two- who are? who're (2nd maybe looks too much like something...)

could read what he was thinking.

“How is it that easy for you to read my face?” - too much 'read'



pause...

“You’re not good at hiding your scars,” I said softly thinking of my own scars. They weren’t important, no one knew about them not even Sara. “You were just holding that cig, you don’t smoke.” He face was blank but the emotions he was having was obvious in the way he sat there. He regretted coming over to the table being as stiff as a rod he was, his unscarred hand bunched in a fist.
- besides the punctuation (missing commas etc.) and other possible edits, this...is...really... good. You have sort of the standard, mundane, and then...bam: what's going on beneath. This is best part, the why I would bother to read...

So...feels a bit like a draft (as in 1st, 2nd, 3rd...) but keep going. You've got the ideas. And take everything I say with a grain. Hope this was at all helpful... and...happy writing.

Roobearrr
February 13th, 2014, 11:02 PM
Hey, i enjoyed this little excerpt, i loved the whole 'I don't give a s***' attitude the MC had. The problems i had were trying follow who was saying what and the missing punctuation. If this was a draft then them things can easily be altered to make the reading flow better.

Now the last bit (the section in italics) really got me excited! I loved the slight glimpse into her past and I definitely wanted to know more. Keep it up!

thepancreas11
February 15th, 2014, 02:24 AM
The more I read, the more potential I see in this romantic tale. You've got love poised to play antidote to the poison of loss, which is cool. I'm with Kevin: boy meets girl has been done to death. It's important that you have something new to bring to the table, this wound that your MCs share, a very unique wound. The nature of it almost develops your characters for you.

It would be much more effective if you got it in there earlier. The whole first half of this piece, it wanders aimlessly. The death of her boyfriend/fiance/husband is a traumatic event in her life, probably the defining event of her life, and it doesn't really come into play until the story is almost over. You go through a slew of reasons why she doesn't want to date men (she thinks they're boring or abusive or too interested in her friend) before you get down to the nitty gritty: she loved once, and she lost. You don't have to give it all away from the word 'go', but you want to make sure that it doesn't come out of nowhere, that we're ready for the big reveal because right now, I'm still wondering what the abusive lovers have to do with anything. I think that side-plot really detracts from you story.

I would also recommend revisiting the conversation they have about his sister dying. Why is he angry at her? All she's doing is telling him that she knows what happened. That doesn't seem like a good enough reason to get angry. Then, as he sits there steaming, she just gets up and walks away? That's the end of the conversation? There's a heart-wrenching thing going on there, and you pass it over too quickly. That's your moment to inject some humanity in your piece, to give your reader something to relate to, and you fall short in pulling out the emotion.

Part of it, at least, stems from the fact that it's difficult to determine who's talking to whom for a lot of this. Separate out lines of dialogue from actions that other people are doing. If Faith says something, and Marci does something, these should be two different paragraphs. For the first six or seven lines, I thought your narrator's name was Sara because your first line you have a quote and then an action by Faith, and the second line you have a quote and an action by Sara. Make it clear who's talking.

Read this for mistakes too. You have Marci misspelled several times.

A work in process, to be sure, but it's a nice character piece. I already like this Fe girl, which means I'm going to want to read more about her.