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View Full Version : "Ooooo, so dark!" (582 Words)



Badhorses Mare
January 25th, 2014, 07:18 PM
There was never much hope for predicting the whims of a madman. A volatile swirl of deep and meaningful love and equal amounts of vengeful depravity is his mind. His conscious thought jumping from one extreme to the other. Experiencing only fleeting moments (and only if he was very unlucky) of clarity and peace. But soon the fear that clarity begets draws him back within his endless vortex. He hides from the truth his respite brought unwanted and unwelcome. He hides from the pain that came from understanding that in truth... he is a madman.

As you could predict this man would be totally unresponsive to any direct questioning. Questions about the murdered man lying at his feet. Questions about the jagged and blood covered chunk of glass biting into his palm, adding to the grotesque mural painted on the floor.
Forget questioning. How could you convince him to just stop screeching like that!!??
Over and over he wailed at the ceiling.

“Nooooooo!” he screamed seemingly unaware of the police men circled in plain sight around him. “Nooooooo!” The sound of his passionate screams coated the armed task force in a layer of fear. Their gun’s shook as their masters will was tested. Would he attack, would he kill himself, or would he keep screaming until he died of starvation?

The constant reminder shouted out by the Captain to ‘Hold your fire!’ did nothing to lighten the tension.
All seven men kept their eyes fixed on the madman waiting for some indication of his next action. Which in this case meant ‘when we will shoot him?’.

Captian Colin knew it was only a matter of time before one of them would lose their nerve and shoot. Experience in these matters made his decision quite clear however, unpleasent. Slowly Colin brought his scope closer to his eye and centered the crosshairs over the man’s chest.

“ I’ve got this!” he shouted and hoped they had heard. Taking a deep breath in, he held it for a second, and squeezed the trigger on the exhale. The sound of the gun shot echoed off the steel warehouse cutting short the madman’s final gut wrenching scream.

Thankfully the team had heard for his was the only shot.
“As it should be!” He thought to himself.

The rest of the officers took a couple of minutes to come out of their fear induced catatonic state. Two of them retched uncontrollably at the macabre display before them.
One officer screwed up enough courage to walk over to the madman’s side. Trying to ignore the red stains he checked for a pulse.

“Clear sir, he’s dead...”A quick check on the first murdered man”...and so is the Doctor.”

It seemed ludicrous to consider otherwise but humans find tremendous comfort in procedure. ( And these particular humans were in desperate need of some comfort.)The captain lowered his rifle with a large sigh of relief. Captains had every right to be just as frightened as officers.

A thick silence greeted this relief as the crew seemed unable to find anything to say.

“Alright, Stevens, Morley help Jillson and Gingerviere outside and Reeves and Thompson secure the dock.” Colin said sensing the urge to flee emanating from each of them. Grateful for any excuse to rid themselves of suffocating smell of blood they retreated to the salty windswept docks.

......

Pluralized
January 25th, 2014, 08:06 PM
Hey there BM -

Enjoyed this, and hope you continue to work on it. A couple of things to point out:

-- The shot to the chest could be more impactful and violent.
-- The screeching vs. wailing vs. screaming - I think picking one and sticking with it would be good. Hard to imagine a "screech" coming out of a presumably tough and evil man.
-- The tense is a problem. When you start this story, it's all in present tense, then it bleeds over into past tense. It's important to maintain the tense so the story makes sense.

A couple o' specific nits I found:


His conscious thought jumping from one extreme to the other.This is an incomplete sentence, which is fine, but I think "jumped" would be better.


“Nooooooo!” he screamed seemingly unawarescreamed, seemingly (added the comma)


Their gun’s shook as their masters will was tested.Their guns shook as their master's will was tested. Switch those apostrophes. Also, the notion of calling this guy 'their master' when they have all those guns, and all he's holding is a bloody piece of glass? Probably they have the upper hand. :)


Experience in these matters made his decision quite clear however, unpleasent.unpleasant


gut wrenching scream.gut-wrenching


“As it should be!” He thought to himself. "As it should be!" he thought to himself.


The rest of the officers took a couple of minutes to come out of their fear induced catatonic state.Fear-induced


One officer screwed up enough courage to walk over to the madman’s side. Trying to ignore the red stains he checked for a pulse.Stains? I was picturing fresh blood, sticky and still able to be smelled (as mentioned later). I'd think more 'wet splotches' or some other, visceral description would work better.


“Clear sir, he’s dead...”A quick check on the first murdered man”...and so is the Doctor.”Quotes? What's going on with the dialogue here?


“Alright, Stevens, Morley help Jillson and Gingerviere outside and Reeves and Thompson secure the dock.” Colin said sensing the urge"...secure the dock," Colin said, sensing the urge...

You have established a pretty gruesome scene here, and have killed off the killer. What's next? Hope you'll share more, and hope something here is helpful.

Badhorses Mare
January 25th, 2014, 09:07 PM
Thanks a bunch! My spelling has never been any good. I'm glad you like it, I usually don't like dark and gruesome but for some reason it just popped into my head and I went with it. So im not used to being overly gore-ish.

This sentence might be better understood if I did this.
“Clear sir, he’s dead...” He quickly checked on the first murdered man "...and so is the Doctor.”

It's supposed to be an action before he says the next dialog.
I've got more written im just fine tuning it. Would I make a whole new thread to post it or comment on this one?

Pluralized
January 25th, 2014, 09:13 PM
Would I make a whole new thread to post it or comment on this one?Up to you. Probably a new thread will elicit more replies, but beware going overboard with new threads. :-)

thepancreas11
January 29th, 2014, 07:52 AM
Whenever possible, you should be using the direct verb either in the past or present tense, whichever you find to fit your story better. A lot of times you modify your verbs so that they are in either the past continuous tense (i.e. was testing) or past perfect tense (i.e. had heard). Try to structure your thoughts so that the sentence is more direct. The more you put between your subject and the real action of the sentence, the more convoluted that sentence becomes. A good example of this is when you talk about their guns shaking because their wills are tested. The point of that sentence is to show that they are being tested by the experience, that's why their guns shake. Your best option is to try and leave out as much as explanation as you can without ripping pieces out of the story. Why not simply say that their guns were shaking? We can imply the rest.

It's not a bad read. It's action-packed and rather suspenseful for something so short, so kudos for that. I just wish there was a little more to it, maybe an explanation of why they are there, or better yet, and explanation of what the whole thing does to the Captain himself. That should provide us, the readers, with the kind of understanding we need to invest in the piece. Good luck!

Zeynith
February 19th, 2014, 10:59 AM
Hey Badhorse Mare,

Really liked the beginning where you were talking about how the madman experiences life. Made the story more tragic. I do have a suggestion.

Would he attack, would he kill himself, or would he keep screaming until he died of starvation?

The 'died of starvation' part struck me oddly. It seems highly unlikely he would still be standing there screaming if he were anywhere near starvation. I would consider changing it to:
Would he attack, would he kill himself, or would he keep screaming until he collapsed from exhaustion?
Or something similar. Hope that helped. Good luck.