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calpollion
January 23rd, 2014, 09:45 PM
I have this new idea for a point of view character in my dark fantasy series. I wrote a short piece that could be his first chapter, and I'm interested to hear what you guys think.

…(CHAPTER NUMBER TO BE CONFIRMED)…
1994


In the outskirts of Tyfe, on the coldest day of the year, a fifteen year-old boy awoke to the crackle of flame.
Lucas was alone.
He was a thin young man, with skin as pale as death and a full head of light-brown hair, darkened by the dirt and ash that resided there. Being a Demon, the boy’s eyes would of course change colour from time to time. But lately, when he stared into the remaining half of a muddied mirror, he saw naught but grey in the hollow hovels of his starved, gaunt face. The last bit of colour he’d found within them was the faintest yellow, though he had been too tired – too afraid – to care. Michael had cared a great deal, though, and Lucas would not forget that in a hurry. He still had the bruise on his cheek to remind him, the purple contrasting dramatically with the empty shade of white he was accustomed to seeing. ‘Never give up hope,’ the gruff, broad shouldered man he called father had told him, lifting him from the ground and pulling him into a hug. ‘It’s all we have now, Luke. You’re the eldest of us all, and I need you to stay strong for your brothers when I’m… when…’
When you’re gone, a voice in the boy’s head finished for him. When you’re gone – dead, buried away in some ditch or another, and I’m left to pick up the pieces. He wondered if he’d hit his younger brothers when his time came. Alan, passive as he had always been, would of course have no objection, at least none that would be given voice. John? He wasn’t so sure about his nine year-old baby brother. And what about mother, the voice asked him. Will you hit her like Michael does? Lucas liked to think not, but deep down, he knew he would. After all, Michael had never been like this before. Call him “father,” you disrespectful runt, the voice ordered him. He is your father! But Lucas only shook his head. His father had died with that long-gone Triad, all those years ago…




Interested to hear what you think. Thanks in advance,

Callum.

calpollion
January 23rd, 2014, 10:09 PM
For context:

- A Demon's eye colour changes depending on their emotional state
- If a Demon's eyes are grey, it means they are exhausted. They lack any energy/motivation.
- If a Demon's eyes are yellow, it can mean one of two things. It can mean the person is feeling confident. It can also mean the person is fragile, depressed or - in extreme cases - suicidal.
- A Triad is an Angel who works for the established government, known as the Triads. The Triads are very fascistic and totalitarian toward Demons, and constantly treat them as second rate citizens.