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View Full Version : The Tank - 1000w



Pluralized
January 21st, 2014, 02:32 AM
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Kevin
January 21st, 2014, 03:35 AM
Well why not? Two premises, one story...lots of possibility. In need of a little research, fine tuning, just at the start, but from there you could go anywhere.

Pluralized
January 21st, 2014, 02:43 PM
Thanks Kevin - did you find the whole thing to be fairly readable? I've developed this horrible myopia with my stories where I'm unable to see the macro version until they've simmered for a long time.

Kevin
January 21st, 2014, 04:21 PM
Yes...and me too. Two weeks, three weeks; sometimes longer. Slog on.

Olly Buckle
January 21st, 2014, 05:46 PM
Once his body acclimatedNever come across this construction before, I would have said acclimatised (or -ized); you live and learn. Losing several early texts threw me for a second as well 'text' has come to have a new meaning :)

There were too many dead ends, hints and changes of direction for my liking, for example, the library, who he was to inherit from, and then; 'Humans just fuck everything up', so what is he then? End of the first paragraph it ought to be significant (And no language warning; naughty boy).


The first time he climbed in there two years ago, it hadn’t been the most pleasant experience. Since then, he’d done the tank sixty or so times, sometimes on psilocybin, sometimes on DMT, sometimes on cannabis, and sometimes stone-cold sober. It was the travels on DMT that taught Hank the most, and one in particular that he almost didn’t return from. That was his first tank ride, at the San Francisco Floater’s Free-For-All.That starts with the first time and finishes with the first time and in between there are all the other times, bit of a mix up, look:-

"He’d done the tank sixty or so times, sometimes on psilocybin, sometimes on DMT, sometimes on cannabis, and sometimes stone-cold sober. It was the travels on DMT that taught Hank the most, and one in particular that he almost didn’t return from. That was his first tank ride, at the San Francisco Floater’s Free-For-All, the first time he climbed in there, two years ago, and it hadn’t been the most pleasant experience."

I added a comma and a conjunction, but it is pretty much your words.
Personally I try to avoid constructions like 'it hadn’t been the most pleasant experience', for something simpler 'it hadn’t been a pleasant experience', or even 'it had been an unpleasant experience', (Though 'unpleasant' might not be the right adjective), the circumlocution seems more like speech, but maybe that is me.

It is the sort of thing I find I can use bits of in other things, or that I can take a piece out of and expand it into a 'proper' story, with a beginning, a middle and a twist in the tail, it usually happens after some time when the brain has been mulling it over, I should come back for another look every so often. Even if things don't alwys stand alone I reckon they are worth putting down, otherwise the idea simply gets lost.

Theglasshouse
January 21st, 2014, 05:59 PM
Well my interpretation of this was, his time was up, as if the medicine let him live longer or the alchemy. Since you wanted some comments made I thought I'd add an idea. I don't know if that was the interpretation since you left it open ended. Alchemy use to be linked to the study of medicine.

You could make the person have his last day, or so and then he plans it out methodically.

thepancreas11
January 22nd, 2014, 05:36 PM
If you're going to expand this, that first paragraph needs more to it. I can assume he gets in the tank because of his anger, but then, why spend time on that first part at all? Then there's the end which has very little if anything to do with the beginning. It feels like a free-flowing writing style, almost like you just let the words out when they came without giving them much direction. Useful for generating ideas, but not necessarily for writing cohesive narratives.

So, to make the story into something whole, just revisit the beginning at the end. Have a piece where he comes out of the memory of the incident and deliberates whether or not to immerse himself in the tank. That last line attempts to do it, but it's a little vague. That's pretty much all you need, and then, you've got a pretty elaborate and well-written first chapter. I agree: you could go on with this being his last day and have periodic trips back to the tank where parts of his life float up to him and consume him for chunks of the story.

Post more when you've got it!

Pluralized
January 23rd, 2014, 01:50 AM
Great comments everyone, thanks so much! I've already been slashing parts of this and adding to it, so hopefully I'll crank out something worth reading. Appreciate everybody's time.

GonneLights
January 23rd, 2014, 10:44 AM
Pretty good! Reminds me a bit of D.M. Turner's work (especially his describing his first salvia experience - he hallucinated that he was a piece of wood nailed to a wall for all eternity, and all he could think was, 'what kind of a rat bastard would sell you something that nails you to a wall for all eternity?') - actually, he died in a situation similar to the Tank, injecting ketamine in a bathtub. Well you won't catch me in the Tank, that's for sure, pal!

Everyone seems to have an interpretation of the 16th Century Alchemy texts that isn't literal? I figured he really did have a library of alchemy texts. Plenty do... But, the change-off is sort of confusing. Where he says, "he used to like to get into the tank, before the incident" - it feels like... he learned the apartment burned down, and suddenly now he dislikes the Tank? Or, actually, it feels like the Tank burned down with the library? I'm confused!

But, the rest of it is a pretty solid read, especially considering the subject matter. And there is a bit of 'is he still on the drug or is this for real?' which is nice, similar to the DMT experience, I imagine. So, yeah, over all its pretty good! You oughta expand on it I think. It doesn't feel like a 1000 word story, I mean, not with this whole part about a burnt-down library which remains unresolved.

Pluralized
January 25th, 2014, 02:30 AM
GL - Good of you to read this thing and give it so much thought. I will have to look up DM Turner - sounds right up my alley.

Working on the confusion aspect of this and I'll be back. Thanks for your help!