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Aiyooona
January 18th, 2014, 06:08 PM
I stopped writing for a while, but finally got back into it! I have started writing a new novel and I would really like some opinions. I know that I have some grammatical errors (I am in the process of fixing them), but I would really like to know what people feel about the content! Thanks guys!
Oh, P.S., If you have any ideas for a title from what I have written, feel free to throw them out in the open! I'm at a loss for what to call it.

Chapter 1
“Elizabeth! Can you set the table?”. My mom called me from my room. “Yea, just give me a second!”, I shouted back to her. I finished my sentence on my English homework, jogged downstairs and opened the plate cabinet. “What’s for dinner?” I inquired.
“Fettuccine Alfredo!” my mother answered. My dad walked into the kitchen and sat at the table. He was amazing at observational skills and he was a master of self defense. He had taught my two brothers, Mathew and Ben, and I to do the same. He often quizzed us on our observation skills and tried to catch us off guard to fight him. Today was no exception.
" Elizabeth. " he called, " what was your first period professor wearing today?" I attended the local college, University of Wyoming.
"Professor Dant was wearing a dark blue skirt, black tights, blue stilettos heels, a black lace shirt, and a black blazer. "
It was my first year in college; I was exceptionally talented and graduated when I was 15, almost 16. At that point, I had just turned 17. Mathew was 14 and Ben was 9.
I finished placing the glasses on the table and rushed to the kitchen to help my mom. We were all seated and had just begun eating when someone knocked on the door. I stood and walked to the front door to answer it.
" open up!", someone briefly ordered.
I looked to my parents and they nodded for me to proceed. I opened the door and before it was even completely open, two men pushed through the doorz,knocking me to the ground in the process. I stood up and brushed my self off. What did they want? My little sister, Emilea, screamed and laughed at the men; she was just a year old.
" we need you," he pointed at my fathern,"you," he gestured towards my mother, " you and you." He grabbed my arm and waved towards Emilea. I freed myself from his grasp.
" you're not taking us" I informed the first man.
" you wanna bet?" He bellowed at me. I looked at him defiantly.
" sweetie." I looked at my father. " they're with the government. Just do what they say. " I slumped my shoulders and the second man grabbed my arm and gestured towards the door. I grabbed Emilea and, with her on my hip, the soldiers left my two brothers alone.
" don't worry!" I called to them, " Ill find you once this is all figured out!" The door shut before I could say any more.
I felt adrenaline rushing through my body, to the point that I was shaking. Hard. I tried to stop, but it was useless. I was shocked that my world had been turned upside down so quickly, but I was even more shocked that they left my two brother alone. Two more soldiers came up behind us with some of my neighbors. I searched frantically for my boyfriend, Jeremiah.
"Liz!"
I spun around, only to see him, the only one in his family taken captive. He ran towards me. He hugged me and whispered, " what's going on? I'm so glad you're not hurt" I pulled away. .
" hurt? Who's hurt?" I inquired.
He gestured further down the neighborhood. " some people struggled against the soldiers and they were shot." My jaw dropped. I had to know what was going on.

Chapter 2
I stopped and looked franticAlly around for my parents. They were heading down another street with the rest if the adults in the neighborhood. I guessed that the adults and kids were separated.
" move it!" The guard pushed me forward. I rolled my eyes and held Emilea tighter. Apparently, I wasn't moving fast enough. Jeremiah squeezed my hand reassuringly. He had always been my rock, and I was hoping he would be through this as well. The soldier pushed us again. I tripped and almost fell to the ground, had it not been for Jeremiah grabbing me before I could fall further. Emilea started to cry and I desperately tried to quiet her. These soldiers were gruff and unkind and I didn't want to know what would happen if she was too loud.
" Shut her up!" He growled.
" I'm trying. " I instinctively responded.
He stepped toward me. " are you talking back to me?" He yelled. He raised his hand and smacked me. Hard. I covered Emilea with the blanket I had grabbed from the house. Raging, he grabbed my free armand pulled me toward him. He gestured to slap me again, this time with more force. Jeremiah stepped in front of him and grabbed his arm. " don't hurt her" he ordered.
The soldier turned and swung at him. He hit Jeremiah square in the stomach. He coughed.
" Jere!" I cried. I stepped toward him. My two friends, Dave and Serena( they were twins) acted before I could. Serena took Emilea from me and Dave grabbed my arm. I struggled aginst his arms, to no avail. All I could do was watch as the man punched the boy I loved to death. He grabbed a knife. I screamed, " Jeremiah!" He turned and looked at me, and in a split second, he was on the ground, writhing in pain. I screamed again and struggled harder against Dave's grip. My wrapped his arms around my waist and picked me up when I started kicking. The soldier kicked my limp boyfriend and walked away. He finally let me go and I ran to Jeremiah. He looked at me.
" take care of yourself. Find someone who loves you. " he told me.
" what are you talking about? " I asked him. " you're gonna be fine!"
" no I'm not, Liz, and you know it. Take care of Emilea and don't let them hurt you. "
And just like that, he was gone. I cried and buried my head in his chest. Dave picked me up from the corpse.
He handed me a sweatshirt. " here. " he offered, " it was in his backpack. "
I gratefully took it and tried to smile at him. I wiped the tears from my eyes looked at my friends. Serena handed Emilea to me. She stared at me, trying to figure out why I was sad. I was laughed, in spite of the tears rolling down my face. I looked back at my late boyfriend and nodded to my friends. They put their arms around me and we kept walking with the crowd.
We finally reached the bus station. The soldiers began dictating where we would be going. There were four stations in the state: north,south,east,and west.
" You!" One of the soldiers pointed to me. " you're going to north. "
I nodded.
" and you two!" He pointed to my friends. " south!"
I lost even more hope. Now I didn't even know anyone from my hometwon in this living hell. I hugged them and took Emilea to the bus that lead to the North train station. I stared out the window and waited. I wanted to cry, but I couldn't. I had to stay strong for Emilea. She was too young to understand what was happening, but I had to reassure her that everything would be okay.
When I finally reached the train station, the first thing that I noticed was that all the kids, about a thousand of them, were blonde. Bleach blonde, dirty blonde, even the people who died they're half blonde half brunette. I had no idea what I was doing and was completely lost.
" hey you!"
I spun around. A soldier towered over me.
" what are you doing in the infants train?"
My hatred for them inspired me to talk back to this man.
" well, I'm obviously not and infant!" I sassily responded.
" what?" He bellowed.
I started to walk away. He grabbed my arm. I stopped and said, " are you sure you want to grab me? I'm sure doing this wto a teenage girl could be considered sexual assault!" His grip loosened. I pulled away and grabbed my bag. I matched towards the train that was marked, " 16-18 year olds"
Chapter 3
I seated my self between a short girl with short, white blonde hair and... Purple eyes.... And a boy with mostly brown hair, but had a blonde patch of hair that took up about a third of his head. He had ocean blue eyes, and from what I could tell, he was fairly tall. Emilea sat beside me and colored with her crayons and coloring books.
" Hi. ", the girl said to me.
" hey. I'm Elizabeth." I answered.
" I'm Aimee. Whos this?" She gestured to my little sister.
" this is my baby sister, Emilea. "
Aimee shook Emileas hand.
" do you happen to know what's going on?" I asked her.
" of course. " she said simply, " but first,I need to know if you are academically challenged. I want to know if I need to simplify things. "
I shrugged. " no. I'm not academically challenged. Don't dumb it down. "
" okay. " she breathed. " basically, the government thinks that all the blondes in the country are trying to create the ultimate race by killing everyone who isn't blonde. They think think this because everyone that has died in the past year was not blonde. Wacky hair, brunette, redhead, gray hair, you name it, anything but blonde. So now they are taking us away so we can't succeed. "
I was blown away. " what? That's ridiculous!!"
She nodded.
I was utterly disgusted. The president himself had blonde hair! How could he think that?The fact that the president himself thought the worst of people reminded me of my friends father. He told me that he didn't believe I could become a geneticist
Aimee yawned. " well, we have a long way to go, so I'm going to catch up on some sleep." I nodded. She smiled at me and I noticed that her eyes were now a bright sky blue. I sniled back and shook my head in amazement.
I pulled out my favorite book, " funniest pranks and fails of all time" and began reading it. I soon noticed that the boy next to me was reading the same book. I tapped him on the shoulder. He looked at me and smiled.
" hi. " he responded.
" Im-"
"Elizabeth. I know. We went to the same highschool, graduated in the same class, and are now in the same college, and have the same major."
My jaw dropped. I felt terrible because I didn't remember him.
" oh, and I'm not older than you. I'm the other genius around town. Im 17, too. "
I stared at the ground. " I'm sorry. "
" nah don't be. I remember that you were always that quiet girl. The one that everyone questioned your ability to speak. But when you were with your two friends, Serena and Dave, you were a completely different person! I don't blame you for not knowing me. Those two were the only other people in your world. Why do you shut everyone else out?"
I looked back up at him quickly.
" oh!" He said as he remembered something. " and your boyfriend. Jeremiah. You were like... A normal person. "
" gee thanks. " I answered, " and maybe I do shut people out. I probably will continue to do it, too. Because everything and everyone I love has been stripped away from me! My family, my friends, my boyfrjend is dead! The only thing I have left is her. " I gestured to Emilea.
I swallowed Down the tears that already rolled down my face.
" whoa. Hey. " he said. He put his arm on my shoulder. I moved away and wiped the tears off my face and said, " hey, what's your name again? I didn't catch that. "
" Micah. " he answered.
I smiled at him. I had this great feeling that we might possibly be really good friends.
I turned and looked out the window. It was dark and I had no idea where we were.
" we are going through Idaho. " Micah told me.
" oh. Okay. " I said. I turned and closed my eyes. I figured I might as well get some sleep.
Chapter 4
" elizabeth! Elizabeth, wake up!!".
Aimee and Micah shook me awake.
“Wha- “ I tried to gain a bearing on my surroundings.
". We're here! " exclaimed Micah.
I glanced at my watch and rolled over. 3:20.
“Its three a.m.!” I exclaimed.
“Get up!” Micah shook me again. I opened my eyes and stood up. After picking up my sleeping sister and her diaper bag, I got off the train with Micah and Aimee. First, we went through something similar to customs in an airport. Then, everybody was ushered into a huge gymnasium. A man stood up on the podium.
“My name is Mathew Rights. I am in charge of all California camps. I know this is terrifying and thoroughly stressful, but you’re not here as a punishment. Consider this a priviledge. “
I smirked. “Priviledge, my butt.”
Aimee elbowed me in the side.
“ You will share a room with four other people. You will be issued clothes. When you recieve these, get rid of your other clothes or you’ll be punished. You may keep one personal belonging with you to comfort you. Choose wisely.”
He began to step off the stage, but then returned to the podium as if he had remembered something.
“Oh yes, all children under the age of six will become property of the government. “
My heart fell. I started to panic; I could see the fear in Micah’s eyes, too. Like me, his little brother, Luek, was all he had left.
“Of course, if any of the children have older siblings that are prepared to take full responsibility for them, they can.”
I smiled to myself and squeezed my sister, who was still asleep.
“Lastly, each floor of the sleeping quarters facility, there is a tube-like device. You are required to insert your arm in the hole and it will tattoo your daily schedule and at the end of the day, you will insert it into the hole again and it will remove it. Everyone 7 years of age or older will be obligated to participate in training for four hours a day. Your room number is posted on the wall by age and birthday. That’s all. Get some sleep. You all have a busy day tomorow.”
he stepped off the podium and left.
I turn to Aimee, whose birthday was in December, and hugged her.
“I’ll see you tomorow.” she informed me.
Micah joined me in line, only to find that we had the same birthday. My room number was 829.
“Whats your room number?” I asked him. he adjusted Luek on his hip and said, “ 830. What are you?”
“829”
“What?” he exclaimed.
“are they not separating boys and girls onto different floors?” I inquired.
“I guess they assume that we’re too scared to care. “
“what if- “I began “what if girls and boys are sharing rooms?”
His eyes widened. “They wouldn’t-”
I interrupted him. “They would. “
I picked Emilea up from the floor. We made our way to our rooms.
“Well, “ I said, “If you need any help with Luek, I’m just across the hall.”
“Same here.”
“Yea. “ I waved to him.” so.. see ya.”
“oh wait. “ he said.
“yea?”
He pulled out a knife from his pocket. “i don’t know if you’re rooming with any guys, but if.. if you are… if any of them tries to hurt you...here.”
He handed it to me. i gratefully took it from his hand, but my hands were shaking.
“Liz, are you okay?” i set Emilea down.
“no, no I’m not okay.” tears started streaming down my face.
“whats wrong?” he asked me.
“I-I dont know where my parents are, and Jeremiah is dead and my brothers are alone and I have Emilea and what if I die then she will-”
“hey. Stop” he interrupted. “Everything is going to be fine. You, Aimee and I, we are looking out for each other now. And until we get out of this place, I’ll have your back. Okay?” He enveloped me in his strong arms. I accepted the hug. When we parted, he grabbed my hand. I started to pull away, but he let go. he had just been reminding me of the knife.
“Don’t be afraid of using that.” i nodded and opened the door with Emilea in my arms.
Four kids, two boys and two girls, sat huddled together on the floor, including Aimee.
“Aimee! “ I excalimed. She stood up and hugged me.
“Aimee,” I whispered. “ we’re rooming with guys?”
“Oh, theyre cool. They won’t hurt us.”
i nodded.
“Elizabeth, this is Charlie. “ She gestured to a tall girl with dishwater blonde hair and blue eyes. She smiled at me. “she has the same eye thing as me!”
“This is Christine.” A short girl with jade green eyes and white hair nodded to me.
“This is Kiele.” Kiele, an incredibly tall boy with white blonde hair and purple eyes jumped up and shook my hand. “hiya!” i smiled at him.
“And Max.” The curly haired boy looked at the ground.
“hey guys. “ I greeted. i felt safer, because aimee was with me.
Chapter 5
Finally. Sleep.
*knock knock*
I quietly, making sure not to wake my roomates, made my way to the door and opened it. Micah stood in front of me.
“Let’s go see if we can find anything!” he said.
“It’s one a.m.!” I exclaimed, “and I haven’t slept for over 24 hours!”
“So? Come on!”
I nodded. “Just let me get me clothes on.” We found out what clothes we’d been issued. We were given a white T-shirt and leggings. To put over that in the cold, we recieved a green jumpsuit. it was like a onesie, and it was pretty warm. I shook Aimee awake as well.She and I quickly put our jumpsuits on and snuck out of the room. We began walking down the hallway.
“What are we looking for?” Aimee asked.
“Don’t know.” I answered.
“Something like that? “Micah asked.
We faced a door with a sign that said Rank 5 Only. Aimee eagerly moved to open the door, but was interrupted.
“Hey guys!”
I spun around and saw Kiele.
“What are you doing here?”I fumed. I stomped towards him.
“Hey, I know what you guys are doing and I want to help. “
I looked to Aimee and Micah. They nodded. I guessed that he might be helpful to us. I slowly nodded. He smiled at me and said, “Okay. first, that door is electrified. If you touch it, it’ll electrocute you. This,” he gestured to a keypad on the side of the door. “is what we need to defeat.”
I walked toward the keypad and started pressing buttons.
“If you get it wrong even once, it’ll blow us up!” Kiele exclaimed worriedly.
I was able to hack the system and find the passcode before the system alerted headquarters(I assumed there was a headquarters) that it was hacked. It was a thirty digit number;my ideditic memory came in handy.
Beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep
“Liz, you’re gonna blow us up!” Kiele exclaimed. Micah moved to pull me from the keypad when we heard a click!
“She unlocked it!” Micah breathed.
“Of course I did.” I rolled my eyes. “you guys doubt my talents. I AM a genius after all.” I winked at Micah. He smiled.
“Come on, let’s go in!” Aimee exclaimed.
We entered the room and began looking through files. The keypad must be next to impossible to unlock without fully knowing the passcode because none of the files had locks.
“What are we looking for?” asked Micah.
“It seems like a popular question today. “I muttered.
“Anything that will help us figure out what’s going on.” Aimee answered.
“Guys look at this!” I pulled a file titled “Operation Kangaroo”
“Step one” I began. I looked at step one and realized that it was in another language. Of course. Just our luck. I recognized the language.
“Ugh. Guys, it’s in Syberian!”
“Can you read Syberian?” Micah asked.
“No, I only know Spanish, French, Italian, Chinese, and Japanese. That’s all.”
“Oh yea, that’s all? You under achiever!” Aimee sarcastically commented.
“Well, I didnt get to become fluent in Afgan yet! I got kidnapped by the fricken government. “I argued.
“What are you doing here?”
We spun around to see a guard standing in the doorway. He had dark skin and dark hair, obviously Mexican. I assumed his first language was Spanish.
“Tu habla espanol?” I asked.
He looked at me with open eyes.
“Si. Que estas aciendo aqui?”
“Estamos tratando de averiguar lo que esta sucediendo.”
He gestured to my friends. “Hablan espanol?”
“No.”
“Fuera de aqui. No te voy a reporta”
I nodded. “Come on guys. Lets go. “
I started to walk out of the room. They followed. The guard grabbed my arm when i passed him. My heart beat faster. What was he going to do?
“Mi nombre es Juan Marquez.”
He was young, only about 16. I nodded.
“Elizabeth Rean”
He smiled and nodded.
My friends and I rushed to our rooms. “Okay, we’ve figured out that i need to teach myself Syberian. “
“That’ll take forever!” Aimee exclaimed.
“No it won’t” Micah argued. “She and I can learn it in about a month.”
“If you think you can, it can’t hurt. “ Kiele said.
“What did you say to the guard?” asked Aimee.
“He asked what we were doing. I told him that we were trying to figure out what was going on. he said to get out and he wouldnt report us. Then he told me his name.”
Micah rolled his eyes. “I think I know what we need to do.”
We looked at him expectantly.
A guard walked by us.
“What are you doing? “ he asked.
“We couldn’t sleep. we are just talking. “
“you’re just sitting in the middle of the hall outside your room?”
we all nodded. He shrugged and kept walking. When he was out of earshot, micah continued.
“We need to become guards. and get ourselves to become Rank 5. Then we bring this operation down. “
“That’s impossible.” Aimee said. “There’s four of us and millions of government workers. “
I joined in. “There’s bound to be plenty of those workers that are against this whole thing. We just need to find them”
Kiele nodded. “Besides, we have nothing to lose.”
“i think we should do it.” I said. “I’m in.
“So am I.”Micah said.
“me too!” Kiele said.
We all looked at Aimee.
“okay, okay I’m in!” She exclaimed. I hugged her and we all started laughing.

cob
January 20th, 2014, 06:02 AM
I have to ask, are these complete chapters or excerpts or what? I can't exactly dissect this and determine what they overarching storyline would be. Within 4 chapters, you need to paint a much clearer picture. I would say revise what you have here. As for grammar, my biggest comment is that you should always capitalize the first letter inside a set of quotation marks when they are part of a dialogue or conversation.

EzekielPage
January 23rd, 2014, 04:59 AM
Your story though it has a good idea/concept of plot needs to be cleaned up from a technical standpoint. You are too busy telling us the story, rather than showing. In order to be a successful writer it is important when to know how to use dialogue versus detail.

Citizen
January 23rd, 2014, 11:56 AM
I'm just a novice when it comes to writing and not perfect by any stretch but I did not get warm fuzzy from this. All I read was talking and not much visual. I believe the story itself was good and would like to read more after you edit it.

Aiyooona
January 31st, 2014, 02:47 AM
i get told that a lot, but i just can't understand what you guys mean by showing. can you please explain?

DaisyMae
February 1st, 2014, 01:36 AM
Aiyoona, You can show your story in a variety of ways. For example, set a scene using details that tell the reader what is happening indirectly. They can be small 'clues' such as the color of a building, the clothing a character wears or the mode of transportation they arrive in. Combined, they form a picture for the reader. The imagery you create in the reader's mind is very important. You can use the physical characteristics of the setting or a character to direct the reader's attention subtly. I think Adam Bede exhibits masterful use of imagery in character development, as well as filling out the plot and moving the action. You may better understand what is meant by seeing it in another writer's work. I recommend re-reading your favorite book and making notes as you go about exactly how the writer captures your attention and draws you in to the story by creating an image in your mind. Thank you for sharing your work!

Aiyooona
February 3rd, 2014, 12:12 AM
Thanks for explaining. I made the decision to drop this storyline. I see that I'm not doing a good job explaining it in the way in should be. But I have another book coming up soon, and I hope that I will be able to show the reader! Thanks for the advice guys!