PDA

View Full Version : The Deal - Act 1.



JPeguero25
January 17th, 2014, 04:11 AM
So here is a scripted I wrote in college for my script writing class. I want to get feedback and ideas to improve my craft. I'll be breaking it in to three parts, each part is an act so this is Act 1. Enjoy!

FADE IN:


EXT. FLAMING PIT - NIGHT


A full moon lights the sky.


Below is a small rundown bar surrounded by tall yellow grass


spreading across the fields.


The bar has a huge sign above the bar titled The Flaming Pit


Music is being played inside the bar.


INT. FLAMING PIT - NIGHT


A band is playing for small group of people.


ROBERT MORGANFIELD, a young black blues musician wearing a


traditional 40ís brown suit, is singing and strumming his


guitar.


The band continues to perform for the audiences.


The audience is not paying attention or look bored.


Robert notices the lack of excitement, and becomes


disappointed.


The band finishes playing their last song, Robert speaks.


ROBERT


(Becomes Annoyed.)


Thank you.


Only a few members of the audiences clap.


Robert pulls the jack out of his guitar in frustration.


Robert and the band walk off stage.


FADE TO BLACK:


FADE IN:


INT. FLAMING PIT BACKSTAGE - NIGHT


The band is packing up all of their equipment.


The owner of the bar enters the backstage standing at the


exit door.


(CONTINUED)


2.


Robert stops packing the equipment. He rushes towards the


owner.


The owner pulls out an envelope and hands it to Robert.


Robert takes the envelope.


He opens the envelope to find a thin stack of bills.


Robert looks confused at the small amount of money.


The owner turns around and heads for the exit.


Robert quickly moves in front of the owner.


ROBERT


Whoa what the hell is this?


The owner looks annoyed.


OWNER


(Snarky Tone)


Is there a problem?


Yeah thereís a problem, you gypping


us?


ROBERT


Robert holds up the envelope.


The owner pulls out a cigarette case and pulls a cigarette.


He pulls out a match and tries to light the cigarette.


OWNER


(Cigarette in mouth)


No, I think thatís fair what Iíve


given you.


Fair? This wonít even pay for the


motel room.


ROBERT


The owner stops his attempt to lighting the cigarette.


He pulls it out of his mouth and uses it to point at Robert.


OWNER


Hey this ainít my fault. If


anything you owe me.


Robert becomes surprise by the comment.


ROBERT


My fault?


(CONTINUED)


3.


OWNER


Yeah your fault.


How?


ROBERT


OWNER


If you were any good you be able to


sellout the place.


Robert tries to get a word in, but canít


OWNER (CONTíD)


Instead I have god damn bar thatís


near empty.


Robert stops his attempt to speak. He stays quiet.


OWNER (CONTíD)


And the ones that came are asking


for refunds.


Robert puts his head down in shame.


The owner puts the cigarette in his mouth again.


He lights the match with his thumb and lights his cigarette.


OWNER (CONTíD)


You donít like the pay? Take your


country ass back to the fucking


cotton fields.


The owner storms out and mutters profanity to himself. Robert


stands in disappointment.


He looks inside the envelope again only to look away in


frustration.


Robert begins to walk towards the band members slowly.


The band members have finished packing the equipment.


Two of the band members are sitting on the packed equipment,


the other one stands up.


They stop their nonsense chat when they see Robert walking


towards them.


They head towards Robert with eager looks on their faces.


Member 1 begins to rub his hands


(CONTINUED)


4.


MEMBER 1


Alright been looking forward to


this.


Robert begins to hand out everyoneís pay. The band members


look at their pay with disappointment.


Member 1 looks at everyone with confusion, looks at Robert


and replies.


MEMBER 1 (CONTíD)


This is it?


Robert stands in silence. The band members become irritated.


Member 1 becomes very upset.


MEMBER 1 (CONTíD)


Ah this is bullshit.


He walks away from the group only to walk back.


MEMBER 1 (CONTíD)


Thatís it.


He crosses his arms outwards.


MEMBER 1 (CONTíD)


I quit.


Robert and the band members try to calm down Member 1.


Member 1 tries to storm out of the building. He is stopped by


Member 2 who rushes in front of him.


MEMBER 2


Hey come on now.


Member 1 tries to push off Member 2.


MEMBER 1


No, I had it with this chump change


shit.


He turns around towards Robert. With a scorn look on his


face, he points at him.


MEMBER 1 (CONTíD)


I knew this was going to happen.


Robert tries to convince Member 1.


ROBERT


Look we just need more practice and


just have to pick better gigs.


(CONTINUED)


5.


Member 1 becomes heated even more.


MEMBER 1


No what we need is a better band


leader!


Robert stands flabbergasted. The band members try to calm


down Member 1.


ROBERT


Tell you what, just give me one


more chance. If it doesnít work...


He takes a deep breath.


ROBERT (CONTíD)


Iíll give you guys my half of the


pay and you can leave.


Member 1 calms down, and has a doubtful look on his face.


MEMBER 1


Your half of the pay?


Robert nods his head gently.


Member 1 shakes his head in frustration and walks away.


Member 2 follows him.


Robert sighs in relief. Member 3 walks up to Robert and pats


him on the back.


MEMBER 3


Itís alright man itíll get better.


Robert nods in agreement.


Member 3 picks up some of the equipment and turns to Robert.


MEMBER 3 (CONTíD)


You want me to load this stuff on


your truck?


Robert looks at Member 3


ROBERT


No, just leave it hear, Iíll load


it later. Iím going to stay for


awhile.


Member 3 nods his head and walks towards the exit. Robert


stands alone in silence.


FADE TO BLACK.

Charlaux
January 31st, 2014, 11:42 AM
The dialogue rolls nicely through the scene, it's convincing and I can visualise what is happening - one thing that I thought could be developed is Robert's reaction by giving up his paycheck so easily. When he doesn't have money for a hotel, I'd have thought it would be a bigger decision for him - there's potential to up the stakes here which I thought was a bit hurried.