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grayfin
January 16th, 2014, 07:54 PM
At the beginning of every chapter of this book I will put a log from the main characters journal in the form of a narrative poem. the reason why i'm placing it here And not in poetry is it's part of my Story and not a poem in itself.
the Asunder Chronicles By David Gray
First log
the beginning of the end

I woke up on a beach, with the sound of waves behind me. They crashed like the fall that came just moments before. The fall of my reign was hard. All the worlds of untold life and wonder, whose existence was unfolded beauty, resonated in my mind. I think back to all that I had and then tried to force those thought's deep within me, lock and key. It's was almost too hard to bear. It's something to see within yourself in times like these, if you can go on or not. life is a curious thing when you'd expect time to standstill it defiantly sticks its tongue out you and keeps going. I got up because I knew I needed to scout out the place that I now forced myself to live.

The Sandy Beach shined and was illuminated with infinite stars. I looked up and found that there were no moon, no Sun, only stars, so many and so much brighter than the stars that I remember that it was as if they were the sun of this world, but was still too far to be blinding to one eye. I turned inland and noticed the leaves of the plants of this world were blue and not green. a most curious thing I thought. Other than color, the plants were mostly like they should be. I walked to the edge of the forest and peered in. I could hear faintly now, the music of the forest as the wind blew through it. It was composed not just of sound of leaves rustling but of reeds and whistles of things I could not name. I then looked back at the beach that my past of ruling universes held. As I turned around and stepped over the threshold of forest I left those memories to erode on the waves of that Sea.

edit:Rain (http://www.writingforums.com/members/55001-Rain)'s Corrections

grayfin
January 16th, 2014, 07:57 PM
hmmm There seems to be kind of glitch a in Pasting words From Word. some of my words got jumbled together. I'll try to fix it as soon as possible


Edit: fixed

grayfin
January 16th, 2014, 08:04 PM
I have quite a bit of my first chapter done. I'm working on finishing up as soon as I can And I'll post here.

Kevin
January 16th, 2014, 08:09 PM
When pasting from word be sure to use the little 'w' in the box icon (3rd. from the left, next to A/A. Click on it first and it will ask you to 'allow'.

grayfin
January 16th, 2014, 08:41 PM
ya i Figured it out. thank you though.

Kevin
January 16th, 2014, 08:46 PM
It still acts up on me. Sometimes double printing whole sections. Don't know why.

Rain
January 16th, 2014, 10:52 PM
the fall of my rain was hard.

The should be capital.
Should rain be reign?



All the worlds of untold life and wonder whose existence was unfolded beauty, resonated in my mind.

I believe you might be missing a comma? Maybe after wonder.
Sentence just ran together for me, I had to reread it again.



it's something to see within yourself in times like these if you can go on or not. But life is a curious thing when you'd expect time to standstill it defiantly sticks its tongue out you and keeps going. I got up because I knew I needed to scout out the place that I now forced myself to live.


It's should be capitalized and I believe maybe a comma should be there in the first sentence after these.
Usually it's not a good idea to start a sentence with But...



I looked up and found that there were no moon, no Sun, only stars, so many and so brighter than the stars that I remember that it was as if they were the sun of this world, but was still too far to be blinding to one eye.
I believe you need the word, much between so and brighter.
Also this sentence seems like a long sentence to me. I think it might be better to split it in two.



In most curious thing I thought.

I think In was meant to be A



Other than color, the plants were mostly like I remember how they should be.

I think here you should either keep , like I remember and get ride of how they should be
or get rid of I remember how and keep they should be.



I walked to the edge of the forest and peered in. I could hear faintly now, the music of the forest as the wind blew through it. It was composed not just of sound of leaves rustling but of reads and whistles of things I could not name.

reads should be reeds I think?


-----

There are just some of the grammatical things I see that are wrong. I am not sure if that is what you are looking for or not. I don't want to appear picky on grammar, if you aren't looking for a grammar review :)

I like the concept I see forming and look forward to the rest of the story.

Theglasshouse
January 16th, 2014, 10:53 PM
I really liked the imagery. I have never written narrative poetry. This is the first time I have heard of the concept. It was a good read. None of this was a cliche.

grayfin
January 16th, 2014, 11:16 PM
thank you Theglasshouse and to you rain. In specifics I was not looking for corrections of that sort but I thank you for them nonetheless. I use Dragon NaturallySpeaking to write and as you can see words that sound the same like reads/reeds are overlooked by me When their Placed instead of the actual words That are Correct. Thank you I will edit and re-post.

InS_ght
January 21st, 2014, 01:44 AM
Fantastic introduction! You set up a conflict with your protagonist, and hint at the fact that he has fallen from a previous glory. The detail is strong and puts me right on the alien beach, a place I would imagine looks quite marvelous in your mind. (or rather, the mind of your protagonist!) Your narrative voice is also apparent, you draw the reader in with a friendly familiarity with your writing. That being said, there is always room for improvement and perhaps you might consider my ideas to better your style.

You write from a first person perspective, but seem to detail it as if you were writing in a third person viewpoint. Instead of adding emotional or personal attachments to your descriptions of the waves or plants, you often detail them in straight up fact. The sky was devoid of moon or sun, the alien trees are blue of color. However, being an individual waking upon a strange beach with an apparent lack of immediate memory, he would be confused, amazed and perhaps a little scared. Perhaps he would think "The sky was strange and alien, but also beautiful in a way I've never seen before. The lack of celestial bodies sent chills down my spine as I felt disorientated and lost; but perhaps the greatest difference of this world that proved the fact I was far away from home were the vibrant but exotic color of the trees. Instead of the regular lush greens of the forests back home, they glimmered with a deep royal blue which took me a moment to comprehend. Where exactly had I arrived?"

A first person narrative includes the stray thoughts and experiences of your character sporadically in the details. If you added such snippets of personality we would not only be drawn closer to your character in a personal way, but also deeper into your story as the readers witness the world in all of its strange beauty through the eyes of someone just as amazed as them.

I hope this helps, and great luck in your writing! - Cheers

thepancreas11
January 22nd, 2014, 10:16 PM
I would love to see the first chapter to see where and how this fits. Right now, I'm not feeling this kind of exposition to start a story. A log kept by the character, yes, that sounds fantastic and novel, but a narrative poem? If you're going to pull this off, you're going to be way more specific about certain thing. InS_ight had it right when she said emotions. You've got this guy's whole head full of thoughts; we are going to need some of them. His thoughts become our insight into his situation and are much more likely to grab our attention. That being said, be careful not to over do it with the descriptive language because that can get the reader bogged down. You, like many including myself, have a couple of redundancies on the adjective front, especially the line where the beach is shiny and illuminated. A word of caution: three descriptors most about any one thing, generally, and you really only want to focus on one or two things in a sentence.

As I said earlier, it might be easier for me to understand where this is going if the first chapter was here with it. Best wishes, good luck, and post that chapter soon!

grayfin
January 24th, 2014, 02:16 AM
edit: This post was deleted because of spoilers.

grayfin
January 30th, 2014, 04:11 PM
I hope you enjoy.

Chapter 1
the hearth


Knell knew she had to survive whatever this new world held so she spent the first few days finding water, food and making a makeshift home in a tree to prevent what she hoped would be most of the pests that may inhabit the world. Since the world had no sun and no moon and under the trees was a constant slightly less brighter twilight calling it day was a difficult concept to say the least. So she would consider whenever she slept and woke, a day.

on the fourth day she found out sleeping in a tree is a very smart idea. She woke up from a noise below. There was what seemed a large shadowy shape at the bottom of the tree making loud long sniffing noises. When knell focused hard under the shade of the trees she could make out large glowing orange slitted eyes. it sent a shiver down her spine. It had smooth deep dark green skin, a tell with spiky Spears on the end, long black teeth protruding from the wolf like head and knobby claws that were gripping the tree towards her. As it approached upward she began to slowly remove a large but thin seashell that she shaped into a makeshift knife off a rope it was hanging on by her side. Swoosh! ten to twenty of what could only be related to in knell’s own mind were black furry gnome sized creatures with masks of odd but ornately shaped bark fell down from above her with spears in hand and made the beast look like a pincushion.

Knell stared in amazement as from a branch above her something sharp lightly prodded her head and said “what's is it's? It's leaves is very strange, it is.” Knell looked up and saw two of them looking at her curiously and with suspicion. The other one that was not talking before turned to the one that now had its spear pointing directly at knell's face and said “it's ugly. Just kill it's and then we can complete the hunt.” Knell then with shell in hand knocked the spear from out of her face while saying”not today!” She dropped down with the reflexes of a panther and ran like the wind. She ran and ran until her muscles burned with exhaustion not paying attention to where she may be going.her brown pants and deep green shirt rustling in the wind like a flag with each step and her long red hair flowing behind her like a river. Each pounce made her look like a deer frolicking with red ribbons attached and when she could not take another step she collapsed in a crook of a mass of roots under a large tree then strained her ears to hear pursuit of which did not come. then tired of exhaustion there was darkness and she slept listening to the sighing of the wind in the leaves.


Knell awoke with A small furry mass cuddled and shivering beside her. Upon closer inspection knell realized that it might be a child of one of the things that woke her the previous day. it was far smaller than they, fitting in the palm of her hand. It was only an assumption really for this whole world was new to her and she knew she must take nothing for granted. The thing cooed while stretching. Knell frowned thinking to herself "if only you weren't so cute and heart melting i could have had an easy breakfast." She slowly stood up peering above the crook she was in and wondered in amazement as she saw in the bark of the trees hundreds of masks. Very face like some seemed to her, were others were too distorted or too shabby and falling apart to be considered true faces. They had hollows where there eyes should have been, as masks should. but staring into them gave you a sense of being watched that left knell uneasy which gave her the impression there were at least in intelligence behind them if not sight. The tiny hearth crawled up knell's arm and perched itself on her shoulders as she walked across to the tree to inspect a particular gnarled looking mask. When she was close enough the hearth lunged from her shoulder towards the mask. In response the mask began to crack snap and pop while shrinking and placed itself upon the hearth.


when the masked grabbed the hearth. the hollows of it's eyes which were Once empty and dark lit up and saw. the hearth Turned Towards knell and the mask spoke to Knell As the proportions of the mask distorted and shrunk to fit perfectly on the tiny hearth. " the hearth gives his thanks for breaking his fall this When you were sleeping. he was climbing the tree you were sleeping below searching for me he was. when he slipped and fell ontop of you he did. it seems that did not wake you it did not . it is not a good thing to sleep so deeply on the ground here its not . there are dangerous things in this region there is ."
knell Began to somewhat understand why The masked hearth Talked in Third person but wanted to make sure. “do you and the hearth Have separate minds? Is it that the hearth speak to you and you relate the message?
the hearth looked at knell In an odd Inquisitive manner. “I thought all Beings Knew this I did. I wonder Where is it that you come from to not Know such a Well-known thing i do.”
Knell thought For a while and then spoke. “I come from a place so far away that it is even beyond the stars.”

The light in the socket of the gnarled old mask grew slightly brighter and the socket itself grew as the Hearth wondered about Knell. It seemed to be about to speak but then the fur on the back of the hearth stood up as well the hearth itself and turned directly towards the direction in which Knell Fled from. It then said ”The hearth is being called, he is. we must go, we do.” The tiny Hearth jumped from knell’s shoulder and up the tree and disappeared Though Knell Heard it Jump from tree to tree Until the sound faded.

cosmictide
March 14th, 2014, 12:48 AM
You have an interesting concept here, just make sure you look over for punctuation - capital letters mainly - as there seems to be quite a few errors there. Also you may want to look over and get rid of a few 'Knell's, as using her name every sentence doesn't let it flow, and as she is the only person you have present at first you do not have to worry about people getting mixed up with which character you are talking about.
You may also want to introduct the creatures more solidly. I may be going mad but I didn't see a mention of her recognising them as 'hearth', was it? And instead the narrative just starts calling them that... But other than that it is a great start, and a nice touch with the masks being the creatures, coupled with a good descriptive.