View Full Version : Jack the Rabbit WIP (looking for advice, critiques, etc.)

January 15th, 2014, 11:41 PM
Ok where do i begin well im casually writing a story and im just looking for some pointers (not suggestions regarding story detail as the whole thing is already boarded) it is largely based and influenced by works of Lewis Carol the story takes place in the wonderland setting in which the 4 royal houses (heart,club,diamond,spade) have fallen from power but are now competing with one another over who can rise back to power first and rule as the dominant family (so think game of thrones in wanderland and more reader friendly) and fallows three characters in the quest to grant the throne to the ever unwilling Jack a eccentric OCD and tad insane Half-Blood who has little interest of wearing the crown this explanation douse not do the plot justice at all but serves the purpose of this thread just fine.

(note this is just a drafts with a few things that still need to be flipped and tampered with)

chapter one: Morning in the house of Spade

The sun sat in the sky above the grounds floating in the breeze among the single yellow cloud that was visible from the large estate located in the Diamond green lands just queast of the jub jub mountains

His Eyes shot open as his mind sprung awake. the large orbs wore a sickly pale emerald color one with the slit pupil of a beast and the other bore a even more unique feature as he was the last in wanderland to wear it upon his face. His left pupil held the exact shape of a spade forever marking him to be the soul remaining member of the royal suit of spade. A long thin arm nearly one and a half times longer then that you would expect of a normal man and toped with a malformed hand that had three equally disproportionate fingers as well as a thumb sprout from underneath the thick satin sheets that masked the rest of jacks body. The arm began to bob around aimlessly feeling around the ornate wooden dresser that sat to the right of the bed. Knocking over the edge 4 of the dozen hourglasses stacked in a hap hazard manner atop the dresser all varying in shape color and size the limbs search stopped when it came upon the sliver serving tray that was placed on the side of the dresser opposite to the bed. The platter itself held a porcelain tea cup that sat on a matching coaster plate still warm and full to the brim with a rich smelling chamomile tea beside that was a kettle of hot water two additional tea bags 3 cubes of sugar and four spoons all laid parallel to one another. Immediately the arm went to work ceremoniously taking hold of the teacup and dumping its contents into a bucket that was placed in font of the dresser. Next it grabbed hold of two sugar cubes and one of the tea bags then dropped them both into the now empty teacup before once again filling it to the brim with hot water using the provided kettle. All of this was done with great precision and just as the last drop of water had dripped from the kettle nose the arm was sucked back beneath the sheets like a noodle being sucked into the gullet of a chubby aristocrat. And not a moment later

“I Had a rather interesting dream. RED WATER WEASLE!” he shouted as he sprung out from under the sheets and stood atop his bed with both arms in the air his purple evening robes waving in the breeze that came in from the large open window that faced his bed from the other end of the room. His face was a site to behold his eyes wore almost the size base balls and the skin below them hung awkwardly about his face, between the two spheres his nose ran down from his for head ending in the pink nostrils of a rabbit. His jet black hair was long down to the shoulders and as straight as it gets, from the right side of his head out hung the long flappy ear of a rabbit that went down to just past his shoulder blade and waved in the breeze just as his robes did. But his queerest feature of all was probably the cheek-ripping grin that spread across his face making his teeth quite visable. And as he spoke his jaw only seemed to open just enough so that his words could slip past the razor sharp teeth that interlocked so perfectly with one another that one would wander how he would be able to breath from his mouth with out parting them.


“Gitty is as Gitty douse”
“The weasel wake”
“with fur a fuz”
“but the blood red lake”
“killed his buzz”

Sang jack as he strode out of bed and taping a little tune with a finger on three bells that hung from the top of the doorframe that he exited his room from into the main hall of the estate upper floor. The hall was filled with all sorts of paintings depicting different historical figures all of them baring the same spaded left eye as Jack. There was also a few statues but most of them wore inexplicably dressed in odd outfits one of them being a thing from way back during the second great war was a statue of a tall broad-shouldered man dressed in a suit of armor that marked him as a earlier king of spades was wearing a blue corset and petticoat with a powdered wig and lipstick embellishing the head. The figure itself stood upon a fabricated stone and at its feet lay a sculpted portrayal of a man whom was also clad in armor only that the engraving on his labeled him to be a 10 of hearts and of the his chest jutted a finely crafted rapier made of functional metal with different insignias and signets of spade’s decorating it from blade to hilt. Where the sword met the solder of hearts had also bin tampered with as the wound had bin made to look as though it was bleeding with the same red lip stick that ridiculed the king’s face.

“I know this so”
“Inside my head”
“If you must know”
“For he is dead”

He continued to sing his verse enthusiastically as he made his way down the corridor stopping short of the glass doors to the main balcony that over looked the courtyard before turning left and entering one of the estates guest bathrooms tapping a tune on three bells suspended from the frame just as he had done before

“The weasel splashed it on his fur”
“Then his pelt came unwoun”
“He liked it not of this I’m sure”
“For upon his face he wore a frown”

Continued Jack as he turned the nobs so to start the warm water on the sink but no water came forth from the faucet because there was indeed no faucet at all but instead a pipe that lead straight up out of the sink and into the ceiling of the pearly white bathroom within a moment one could hear the sound of running water hitting stone coming from somewhere adjacent. He then quickly turned on his toes and made his way out of the bathroom tapping the bells and shamelessly removing his evening ware and dropping it to the floor so that he was completely bare and stepped onto the before mentioned balcony where running water now poured onto the slate flooring from a shower head that jutted awkwardly out from above the look out. From the out side the manors exterior details wore clearly visible the entire thing was a stone mansion much larger then that of your average noblemen’s two rectangular hedge mazes sat in front both being attended by a staff of beast folk servants armed with sheers between the two was a brick bath that lead down the small lush plateau that the manor sat upon and up to the manor’s main entrance which was composed of two dazzling giant oak doors engraved with the emblem of spade’s and two storied above that was the balcony where jack now bathed himself. His pale skin that was just as nearly a shade of gray as pink or peach glistened in the sun light as he soaped himself and continued to recite his mid morning poem for all on the grounds to hear. (and see) But all who lived or worked on the spade estate had become vary accustomed to Jack’s odd needs and habits for this was a daily ritual that all handled with toleration.

‘where hast thou fuzz gone’
‘to the weasel i had asked’
‘he said my fur has seen its final dawn’
‘for it washed into a lake so vast’

‘but wary worry he did not’
‘for he thought he could find’
‘every hare from the spot’
‘that I had seen unwind’

‘and so he went for a swim’
‘he should have seen it coming’
‘that his swim would end so grim
‘a end most unbecoming’

‘for he had forgotten how to float’
‘how to stay aloft in water’
‘how to bobble like a boat’
“how to…

“Ah hem your attention pleas master Jack.” Interrupted a grand and gentlemanly voice. Jack stopped his scrubbing immediately and turned two face whom ever was behind him with distain but once he saw who it was his expression loosened and surly if it had bin any other with any other intention who had interrupted the reciting jack surly would have lost his temper but It was the head of house staff Fredrick weasely. Mr. weasely was about 5 foot in height and looked quite small compared to jack but his stature was not out of the ordinary for a weasel of his age he wore a white colored shirt with a black tie and vest t**hat was connected to his pin stripe pants via a silver pocket watch chain that lead down into his left pocket. With one gloved hand he held out toward jack the vary same silver platter that laid atop the dresser from earlier.

“Ah Fredrick I do hope the morning has treated you fairly. I had a dream about you you know?” Jack said as he took the cup of tea he had earlier brewed himself from the platter and downed its contents in a single sip ignoring the water that had splashed into it from the show***erhead.

“So I heard master Jack and in addition to bringing you your morning tea iv come to remind you that you are to be meeting with two audiences this day A delegate of hearts well be hear to meet you at the eleventh hour iv bin told that he is a young man the youngest 9 in the court to have duties.”

“wait you said I well be making a audience with this 9?” Jack interjected

“yes” replied Weasely

“And by audience would you not say that you mean he intends to meet me”

“I suppose master”

“but what if I was not to show up but instead had him meet you. Would you not be a unintended audience per says?” at this point jack looked manically at the bottom of the empty tea cup eyes moving back and forth as though he was reading his word out of it.

“by that logic I guess I would”

“But if audience is he who one intends to see how can one have a unintended audience one cannot unintend intend to meet some one. It doesn’t sit right”

“Vary well master but may I pleas finish enlightening you of todays schedule” weasely quickly spoke knowing that if he wore to allow his employer to continue chasing this stream of thought Jack would surly end up running to the study bare bottomed and spend the next 10 day plowing through every work of pen he had ever written. Checking the use of the word audience.

“Oh um yes right” jack said as he returned his gaze from the cup to weasely.”

“As I was saying assuming you have concluded your business with the 9 by the time he arrives you well be meeting with a hatter at the 14th hour besides all of this your day is otherwise free for your leisure”

“Ugh those damn hatters must be sending someone to come poke and prod at me on a monthly cycle at this point do they truly think holding a measuring stick up to my face or poking me in the back of the head will help them learn more of Enchantry? (sigh) whichever way it is of no matter you can help.” Jack spoke of the hatters as if they wore of great annoyance and rightfully so for as long as he could remember the mad guild had taken a interest in him and his magical existence. Jack excused Weasely and without another word the miserly weasel bowed his head and left Jack’s company retrieving the evening ware from the floor as he departed. Jack finished bathing himself then grabbed a towel that Weasely had hung from a coat rack outside the balcony entrance and made his way back down the hall into his room without taking care of the running water knowing that one of the indentured house staff would take care of it. Unlike other suits Jack himself was not to fond of the concept of slavery and made sure that all of the spade’s servants wore indentured either by offering to pay off debts, put children through schooling or buying there freedom from other suites and nobles who had employed them via less reputable means and in exchange they would spend a predetermined amount of time in service and once that time was up they could choose to stay and be given a wage for their service if they wore so inclined. Once jack had made his way back into his room and dried himself off sufficiently he opened the great wardrobe that sat at the base of the room to select his outfit for the day which took vary little time considering it must have housed 30 identical outfits each indistinguishable from the next.

(((Im having some difficulty with the fallowing paragraph no matter how many times i re write it it always comes off as clunky to me any pointers or recommendations as how to better describe him would be appreciated.)))

(((( His choice of dress wasn’t at all to out of the ordinary for a resident of wonderland he wore a emerald and blue striped collared shirt, pants striped a darker and lighter shade of green with a checkered hem at the bottom, a dark brown paisley vest that hugged his chest tightly, plaid tie slung over his neck and under his collar but Jack made no effort to tie the thing so that it simply waved about carelessly, high riding leather boots bound buy spats constructed of the same paisley fabric as the vest, and to top it all off he wore a tail coat that he himself had personally tailored it was of a dark grassy green with loose billowy sleeves that extended just past the tips of his elongated fingers as to disguise his disfigured arms.))))

next he looked about the upper shelf running it over once with his right arm in search of something.

“Now where in the land have I Put you” Jack said to himself as he searched all around the room nearly emptying three of the many chest scattered obtusely throughout his room before he remembered where he had placed it. He left the room chiming the bells as usual and came immediately up to a statue of some queen or another it was hard to tell, as the figure was covered head to toe in a plethora of multi colored ribbons and a mask canceled its face. The mask its self was rather bland as far as masks go it was colored white and black and was divided in quarters through the middle so that the upper right section and the lower left section was black and the opposite sections wore white. It had two slits for the nose that resembled that of a skull the mouth opening was a odd shape on the right side it was turned up in the shape of a grin so intense that it rivaled the one that was perpetually spread across Jacks face on the left it durned down into a frown that was a direct inversion of the other side. Its eye sockets wore both different the right being two large to properly fit any normal person and the left was the shape of a spade. Jack paused as he reached up to grab the thing it was what he wore as his face whenever he left the estate grounds or entertained company he was fond of but he usually left his face bare when meeting with other suits in order to make them uncomfortable flaunting his deformity in there faces and always acting a bit more out of touch from reality then he actually is. But this delegate was a childe according to weasely and Jack never liked to see a youngling wince so he removed it from its granite perch and placed it upon his face.

Chapter 2: Burning the house of spades
Ill post this later