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Bongoland
January 15th, 2014, 05:07 PM
So i have written the story you can read it and tell what you think.

Please bear with the grammar English is not my first language. Struggling hard to improve my English.

Thanks Dani.

At the age of 19 Qammara Ndekelia quit secondary school whilst having few months before sitting for his final secondary examination 2003. At moment, Qammara is serving in prison following case killing of police officer and two other civilians at the event happened at a political campaign in Karatu 2005. Qammara is now spending a life sentence for the murder in which, her sister Irina believes his brother never did commit that crime.

In essence, Qammara’s family was single parent, headed by a father whose life had already destroyed by excessive consumption of un-authorized local brews that, the government has outlawed its consumptions. Qammara’s father Mr. Ndekelia had died two years letter after Qammara sent into prison. Mr. Ndekelia had died of liver failures whilst drinking local brew that day Irina went to visit her brother in jail.

I heard of Qammara’s ordeal, whilst at hometown Karatu spending my first holiday break during my first year as university student. Because I wanted to know more of what had happened to Qammara I planned to meet Irina. I had to find time to meet Irina, Qammara’s young sister to whom I was looking forward to hear more about the story.

On telling the story, Irina said…..Although, his brother had often arrested by police officers accused of marijuana possession. However, she does not believe, there were clear evidences to find his brother guilt over the murder of the police officer and other two civilians. The killings had occurred following riots happened in the political campaign in Karatu 2005.

As we continued with interview Irina said, his brother has never treated fair by police officers. Because, as long as she remembers many of the incidences police officers had accused his brother and other youths, there’s no justice ever done to his brother. He was humiliated and now his life has destroyed yet.

At the day of the event, Irina said, his brother and other youths had gathered at the place where the political campaign had expected to take place. It was just normal gathering as everyone could expect to gather with friend whilst waiting speeches from politicians. As usual, there was also number of several police officers gathered around to take care of the security situation during the event.

Irina continued saying, place his brother Qammara and other friends gathered there were other five individuals whom by having quick look on them, one could identify that, there was something suspicious going. And perhaps could raise a doubt. Qammara spotted such difference among the guys. And for some reasons he decided staying quite not telling his friends of the situation as he wanted to learn something more about these strange individuals.

Then, another thing happened and perhaps this is the reason the police officers had raised suspicious of Qammara and his friends. You know……..Irina said, the place where Qammara and his friends had seated, there was friend whom he had drunk and causing some disturbances around. As this was happening, police officers went over to take care of the situation.

Strange individuals, to whom Qammara rose suspicious with, now seemed busy discussing something. Qammara noticed them looking for something inside a bag carried by one of a colleague. By age, he looked younger than the others. Whilst police officers take on arresting that particular drunkard youth, there occurred resistance from other youths. They wanted the police officers not to use such great force to arrest their buddy as the police officers were now starting beating up this drunken youth.

Given such situation, and see the youths now determined to protect their friend from arrest, therefore, one of the police officers – female – fired the tear gas bomb to control the situation. That action done by that female police officer had caused even more instability of the situation.
Individuals were now aware that there’s fight between the police officers and the youths. As the situation getting worse as youths started throwing stones in protest against police officers there another incident happened. There heard big sound of blow that something had burst out like gun fire.
Sound heard as sound of a bullet fired out perhaps done by either of the police officers aiming controlling the situation, was not correct as thought. That tragic incident in which two individuals and police officer reported killed had caused by, what had come to be known as hand grenade thrown over the mass of the innocent individuals.

That event, – said Irina – had caused his brother to pay for the price of a crime he never did commit. That day of event, seven individuals both youths had arrested, and Qammara was among the arrested individuals. He was arrested because; he and his group were considered the first suspects following killing the police officer and the other two male civilians.

Qammara and his friends were now forced to tell where they did get the hand grenade and why they killed the police officer and the two innocent individuals. During the incident happened in that particular political campaign.

Qammara knows, – and he is certainty that he never did commit the crime. It’s impossible for him and his friends to own a hand grenade that, the police officers were now bring suspicious with… said Irina. Her eyes now had signs she is about to cry. Then, she continued telling…..although; his brother had testified and tells before the court, of the other five strange individuals. During the day of the event and why he was suspicious of them no one was ready to listen to his claims.

Irina loves his brother Qammara so much. She loves Qammara with no regard of what had happened. She loves Qammara un-conditionally. Showing support Irina had tried so much taking care of the crisis her brother had put through. However, all efforts she made to get his brother out didn’t succeed. Nothing succeeded since. Now, with crime he never did commit, his brother Qammara would be rotten in prison, serving life sentence with no possibility of parole.

This article is a work of fiction. Names, Character and incidents are products of author’s imagination.
By Daniel Bayda.

Aiyooona
January 19th, 2014, 04:48 PM
I think you have a good story coming. I was a little confused at what exactly was happening. Maybe put a little bit more detail into things that are happening. I think its great that even though your first language isn't english but you're still writing in English. I'm no expert, but I think that you're doing pretty well.

cob
January 20th, 2014, 06:07 AM
Not bad. Language errors aside, this is a good start. If you clean up your grammar and spelling, the story will be fantastic. After that, there will probably be other things to edit but, if I am reading what you mean correctly, it's very good. The only other thing is that it needs more active language. Think about invoking the most intricate imagery you can. Then, work your way backwards and take out some of the details until you have enough description but still room for imagination. It is a tedious process but it is a good starting poit!

Bongoland
January 20th, 2014, 08:44 PM
Thank you all your advice have greatly appreciated will definitely clean up the the grammar and spelling.