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JPeguero25
January 14th, 2014, 11:50 PM
Author Note:This story I wrote is based on a nightmare I had awhile back. Constructive Criticism is always welcome! Since I am a film major student I decided to write everything in present tense. Enjoy!

Story:
It is the middle of the afternoon when a quiet public bathroom is slowly being filled with loud noisy chatting from a young gorgeous woman. She is a sight of beauty with long blonde hair, bright blue eyes, smooth milky skin, and long luscious legs. Talking to her mother on the phone, she stops at the sink, digging through her purse.

“Yes mom I know you want to meet him, but he is a busy man and we just can’t put our jobs on halt when we feel like it.”

She pauses to let her bantering mother speak while she does her makeup.

“Look I’m meeting him for lunch I’ll bring up having dinner at the house this week now if you don’t mind I don’t want to run late.”

She rolls her eyes and silently listens to her mother before ending the call.

“I love you too, bye mom.”

She ends the call. She digs through her purse and pulls out some lipstick. After fixing herself up, she begins to dial her phone. A series of rings occurs before a man answers.

“Hey, where you at?” he says in a quiet and excited voice.

“I’m just touching up my makeup, started to melt from this weather”

“That hot huh?”

“Yea strangest thing, it started out nice and cool and suddenly just became a scorcher, weatherman can’t explain it.”

“Well take your time, she won’t be home till 4’o clock so we have all the time to ourselves.” He says with a sexual tone in his voice.

“Alright let me just finish up, you’re going to like what I’m wearing.” She lustfully whispers to him.

Flirting with her lover, the woman pays no attention to the strange events that begin to occur around her. From the farthest stall, the tile floor begins to crack towards the woman. The walls start to form mildew very quickly while at the farthest end glass slowly cracks in her direction.

She stops her playful giggling when she hears a noise. She slowly turns her head to see the glass slowly cracking her way. “What the…” She says with a confuse look. She turns her attention to the ground as she sees the smooth tile floor cracking and breaking apart. An order begins to form in the room. Her face forms a disgusting look as the smell of rotten flesh fills the air. She holds her hand against her button nose to keep from retching from the terrible odor. She looks up at the ceiling to see mildew growing rapidly along the walls.

“Hey is everything alright?” Her lover asks.

“I’m not sure how to explain this…” She says in confusion. With the bathroom decaying in front of her eyes, her breathing starts to become heavy. The air has become thick and heavy well the air condition starts to shoot horrible humid air. The bathroom becomes unbearable and in seconds she dashes toward the door.

As she runs for the door, it begins to move further away. She picks up her speed, but the door moves further away. As the conditions become unbearable, the woman collapses to the door from exhaustion, finally reaching the exit. She grabs the handle and turns it hard, only for it to snap off completely. She has a shock look on her face as she notices that the handle is covered in rust. Frighten and scared, the woman begins to slam her hands on the door screaming for help. Suddenly a loud thunderous roar blasts from the stall at the end.

She turns slowly, scared out of her mind from the monstrous roar she has heard. She stands motionless with her back against the door. The bathroom begins to shake violently causing the woman to fall on the ground. She lands on her hip filling her side with pain. Lying on the floor, she sees from a distance that beneath the end stall a small crater begins to force its way out of the ground. When the crater is formed, flames begin to burst from within. Following the flames are the sounds of horrible screams. The woman, terrified, shrugs off as much pain as possible and gets back up. She hysterically slams her hands on the door, screaming that someone will hear her plea.

The end stall suddenly blows up into flames making the bathroom become a human size oven. Sweating and breathing heavier than before, the woman uses what little energy she has left, busting up her hands for someone to hear her. She stops screaming and slamming when she hears a familiar voice. Her phone is still online with her lover. She picks up the phone and speaks in horror with tears running down her face.

“Please for the love of god, come get me!”

“Baby what’s happening talk to me!”

“I don’t know, but please…”

Bang!

She screams and turns around instantly from the loud noise. The stall’s door is forced off its hinges and is thrown across the bathroom slamming against the cracking glass, shattering it completely. She falls to the floor and curls up screaming for her lover. From within the flamed stall a creature begins to emerge. It is like nothing that has ever been seen in this world. It stands over 10 feet, big, and bulky. Its body is covered by a thick boned exoskeleton with muscles underneath and expose. It doesn’t speak, but instead growls a devilish sound.

Slowly emerging from the flames, the creature walks out and stops. It turns its head slowly towards the woman and stares at her. The woman is completely paled and she stares back into the creature’s dark glowing blood colored eyes. She finds a burst of energy and suddenly stands back up and smacks her hands against the door.

The creature menacingly marches towards the woman. The creature grabs her and slams her against the ground. It lifts its claw like hands in the air and in a swift motion, begins to scratch the woman, tearing away her clothes and her skin. The woman cries and screams in pain as the creature’s continues its attack. Lying on the floor completely nude and cut up, the woman cries in pain. The creature finally stops the horrible ordeal.

The woman lies on the floor in tears and pain, paying no attention to the creature as it raises its hands again. In swift motion the creature’s boney fingers stabs the woman sides. The pain is so unbearable that it causes the woman to stop breathing completely. Black usual lettering begins to form from the creature’s body and starts to run along from the creature’s hands to the woman’s wounded body.

Within seconds her body begins to painfully transform. Her smooth milky skin starts to tear apart as her bones are forcing their way out. Her eyes begin to flash rapidly while her bright blue pupils begin to change into a dark blood colored red. A thick horn tears its way out of her forehead while the bones from her hands begin to stretch, ripping through the skin. Her teeth begin to grow long and sharp while her hair falls off. Her skull shifts outwards and morphs to become one solid piece, closing off her mouth, leaving only her eyes and nostrils exposed.

The creature snarls and watches the woman go through the painful transformation. When the transformation completes, the once beautiful young woman has become a hideous creature. Exhausted and in tremendous pain, she moves her hand over her eyes slowly, trying to block the glaring ceiling light. She notices her hand and studies it until she realizes what she is looking at. She tries to speak, but a muffled sound is made instead. She notices the quite tone and touches her mouth, feeling her mouth completely solid and made of bone. She begins to feel her face and is horrified by the solid bone she is feeling. She lets out a blood curdling scream, only to have a muffle sound be made.

The creature roars and stands up. He grabs the woman’s leg and drags her along the floor. She wants to fight back, but can’t as she is too weak from all the pain she has endured. As she is dragged, the woman can only scream in muffled noises as she is taken in the flaming stall and into the crater. The thunderous roar fills the room once more. The crater suddenly recedes into the ground taking along the fire and the screams. The cracks from the floor begin to reverse while the mildew disappears. The door thrown across the room is pulled back to its hinges while the shatter glass recoils and is whole again. In an instant the public bathroom goes back to looking to its original form. As for the woman’s belongings, they begin to burn away. Her cell phone has been on the entire time with her lover still online. He begins to speak.

“Hello? Baby you there?”

He continues to ask questions, but they are never answered. The sound of the lover’s voice becomes disruptive as the phone burns, melting away.

By Jason Peguero

DABS
January 16th, 2014, 12:34 AM
It is the middle of the afternoon when a quiet public bathroom is slowly being filled with loud noisy chatting from a young gorgeous woman. She is a sight of beauty with long blonde hair, bright blue eyes, smooth milky skin, and long luscious legs. Talking to her mother on the phone, she stops at the sink, digging through her purse.

I think you have an effective opening paragraph, by and large. I definitely see the film/script influence in here, and I think that may be because your approach feels very broken down into distinct sections. You establish a setting, describe a character, give her an action. I think you might want to take the ideas you've presented and blend them a bit. Maybe cut back on the adjectives a bit and let the character's actions, her movement through the scene and setting, describe her and the world around her.

The conversation with the mother, in general, I think either needs to be expanded or tightened up. At the moment it doesn't feel very relevant except to establish a little bit of character and the fact that your character has a boyfriend, but the conversation with the boyfriend himself feels more real. Heck, you don't even get to see the mother talk, so it just doesn't really end up gripping me.




She ends the call. She digs through her purse and pulls out some lipstick. After fixing herself up, she begins to dial her phone. A series of rings occurs before a man answers.

“Hey, where you at?” he says in a quiet and excited voice.

“I’m just touching up my makeup, started to melt from this weather”

“That hot huh?”

“Yea strangest thing, it started out nice and cool and suddenly just became a scorcher, weatherman can’t explain it.”

“Well take your time, she won’t be home till 4’o clock so we have all the time to ourselves.” He says with a sexual tone in his voice.

“Alright let me just finish up, you’re going to like what I’m wearing.” She lustfully whispers to him.



I think you need to cut back on describing your dialog. Let the words speak for themselves.


Her face forms a disgusting look as the smell of rotten flesh fills the air.

I think this sentence right here sums up one of the bigger issues with the piece. You tell a lot and show very little. The scent of rotting flesh is fine, but I think you can get more visceral than telling us her face looks disgusting. Is her stomach churning? Is her skin crawling? Really bring your reader into the world. I don't know your experience with fiction versus film, but you gotta remember that there's not going to be a camera filming this, so your words need to do the camera's job.


The creature grabs her legs, spreads her wide, and begins to rape her mercilessly. Ah! Jeez! This is incredibly unsettling and doesn't fit the tone of the rest of the story. I also don't find that this has been done tastefully, which, yes, is personal. However, I think that's something to consider when inserting something like this. If I saw this published, I would have to put the story down at this point.

Okay, so the way I read this, I think this story can be divided into two halves--the first, pre-supernatural, and the second, supernatural. The first half needs some work. That's section is where you need to better develop your character and really work on establishing a setting. I know this is a quick littel horror piece, but I think you had a chance to develop your protagonist a bit more at that point and make me interested or care for her a little bit.

The second half I find much better. You got more into the details, and with the exclusion of the rape scene, which I still find unnecessary, I think it was much better, especially when the girl started transforming. That was the most gripping part, if only because it was so odd and out there and, even if I knew next to nothing about this girl, tragic. I guess that's because you gave me a strong image of her, being a typical notion of beauty, this girl who chats and giggles on her cell phone, and then change that image into something so dramatically different. That said, I'd still like to understand her more as a character, as I think that will strengthen the pay off.

Good luck with editing. :D

JPeguero25
January 16th, 2014, 07:46 AM
Thank you very much DABS! I will take in what you have written into consideration for my editing! Thank you again!!!

-xXx-
April 28th, 2015, 10:38 PM
Hi JPeguero25.

I'll defer to DABS on most of the specifics.
It certainly sounds like a nightmare to me, and I'm pleased that the "violation" aspect was removed before I read it.



Black usual lettering begins to form from the creature’s body and starts to run along from the creature’s hands to the woman’s wounded body.


Horror is not my normal entertainment genre.
Perhaps, there is a black usual lettering that travels from a sexual predator to the victim.
I'm guessing that it is presented as UNusual in many cases.

I would be interested in your rewrite of this in a cinematic screenplay format.
*crosses fingers*
*to ward off nightmares*
;)

Silence
May 13th, 2015, 05:03 AM
This would make a good horror movie. Still trying to figure out the creatures full appearance.

Björn U. B.
September 28th, 2015, 06:49 PM
This was a really fun read. As the room transformed, the story kind of reminded me of the dimension switching sequences in the Silent Hill Games. When the creature appeared, it got a "Lovecrafty" touch. I really like how you described the transformation process. A lot of detail there. All in all a good story. Would make a good short film in the "ABCS of Death" -Compilation (If you don't know it yet, you should check it out. It's great!)

keepyourheadup
July 25th, 2016, 03:38 PM
I adore the opening sequence and how it reads almost like a script, it's just very visually effective, I can almost see it playing out as a movie!


“Well take your time, she won’t be home till 4’o clock so we have all the time to ourselves.” He says with a sexual tone in his voice.

“Alright let me just finish up, you’re going to like what I’m wearing.” She lustfully whispers to him.

This reads as awkward to me. "We have all the time to ourselves" should probably be something like "we've got all the time in the world", or something else that flows a little softer?
And "a sexual tone in his voice" is a little cringe-y. Maybe "with a husky voice" or, honestly, it could be left with no comment at all, the dialogue speaks for itself!



An order begins to form in the room. Her face forms a disgusting look as the smell of rotten flesh fills the air. She holds her hand against her button nose to keep from retching from the terrible odor.

Should be "an odor"? I'd probably skip straight to "a smell of rotten flesh fills the air and she holds her hand against her button nose---" etc
Side note: I love the casual placement of "against her button nose", it's a nice way to give us more insight onto her appearance without overdoing descriptions!

I noticed there was a rape cut out, I think the story has room for it, although something like that has to be tackled with care. I think, what with the sexual and adulterous implications of the protagonist, it could be fitting if done right. But, it works just as well without it. Something to think about!

I liked the transformation, I like to think I got a pretty good visual from it! All in all a pretty good story, must have been one hell of a nightmare! D:

Hello Writing
August 30th, 2016, 12:44 AM
I had the literal perfect idea oh how the room was layed out... I really never get that with books but this one had stood out to me... I had also imaged what the devil-like creature looked like in my head and then began to imagine the woman horribly changing into the gargoyle-type monster with scarlet skin and a beaked jaw. Great Gory Text though and i love this sort of stuff too