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Citizen
January 13th, 2014, 06:21 AM
I would like your critiques and comments.






Whimsy - Wild Beasts Not Seen

by Citizen


It was a long time ago, ancient history to some, that I dreamt of a far off land filled with wild beasts not seen. The prairie rolled out before me as an undulating sea of green under the mid-morning sun. The wind ever so gently kissed my face as a lover would a sleeping beau. A paradise found.

An explosion of sound! It rent the air in two and ended the tranquility. Over the next rise I saw them locked in the titanic struggle of life and death. A boneless meatloaf and the saber toothed squirrel clenched in a fight for survival. The meatloaf took first advantage and the squirrel stumbled for but a moment and gained a firm hold on the meatloaf. The cries of the animals tore at my mind. Sounds of both terror and anger. Sounds not forgotten in a hundred lifetimes. The fight lasted the eternity of a minute and when it was finished the meatloaf picked clean the bones of the fearsome squirrel.

It was then I awoke to the pain of heartburn from my evening fare. A shot of medicinal scotch and I was back in my slumber to dream of a long time ago, ancient history to some, and a far off land filled with wild beasts not seen.

InS_ght
January 13th, 2014, 07:42 AM
Wow, this was almost more of a poem than a story and as such I will critique it as one.

You evoke fantastic minimalism, you wrap up a very abstract turn of events perfectly with only two sentences. Medicinal scotch, what a line. I almost wish I had thought of that one first.

Exalt for this short and sweet bumpy ride. Nothing to fix here.

Darkhorse
January 13th, 2014, 01:16 PM
Is it meant to be free verse?

I am not sure if it is meant to be a poem, but it does have a certain rhythm about it. There are is nice imagery - though I'm not sure what a meatloaf animal is meant to be - but it may verge on being purple if you continued in that style for much longer.

However, that really depends on what you're trying to achieve. I am not sure if its meant to be part of a novel or a poem. But, by itself it reads nicely.

Citizen
January 13th, 2014, 01:47 PM
Wow, this was almost more of a poem than a story and as such I will critique it as one.

You evoke fantastic minimalism, you wrap up a very abstract turn of events perfectly with only two sentences. Medicinal scotch, what a line. I almost wish I had thought of that one first.

Exalt for this short and sweet bumpy ride. Nothing to fix here.

Thank you. Glad you liked it. What do you mean by fantastic minimalism? Does fantastic mean excited approval or is it a case of the surreal? This is the very first thing I wrote back in Iraq. Been keeping it under a rock all these years.

Citizen
January 13th, 2014, 01:59 PM
Is it meant to be free verse?

I am not sure if it is meant to be a poem, but it does have a certain rhythm about it. There are is nice imagery - though I'm not sure what a meatloaf animal is meant to be - but it may verge on being purple if you continued in that style for much longer.

However, that really depends on what you're trying to achieve. I am not sure if its meant to be part of a novel or a poem. But, by itself it reads nicely.

Thank you, Darkhorse. The first word in the title says it all. It was nothing more than the ranting of a lunatic mind. It was just something fun. The product of a flight of fantasy such as the Dream of the Rarebit Fiend, which I discovered a couple of years ago, by the great Winsor McCay.

InS_ght
January 13th, 2014, 06:00 PM
What do you mean by fantastic minimalism?

I only mean that you have painted a vivid picture with a few amount of words, each sentence is purposeful.

A minimal poem is often close to about 10 words, so this could be described as a minimal story, running only three paragraphs :]

allenasm
January 23rd, 2014, 10:03 AM
good stuff. As I've said in other critiques, I like shorts that can paint a vivid mental picture for me without beating me over the head with it. I agree with an earlier poster on the medicinal scotch line as that helped wrap it up nicely.

thepancreas11
January 23rd, 2014, 01:31 PM
Now this is a proper short story. That first paragraph is so descriptive and written in such a rhythmic and pleasing style that I would have read a novel after it. That second paragraph, not so sure about the word "tranquility" with your rhythm, but I snorted and made everyone on the train look at me when I read it. A meatloaf? Genius. I might put the sabertooth-squirrel first just so that people aren't confusing this with some real place, but well done nonetheless. Of course it was a dream, but I'm glad that you made it clear without beating us over the head with it. If only I could do the same in my writing. I'm curious to read more of your work.

Citizen
January 23rd, 2014, 03:44 PM
So it is not too short for a short story? A friend of mine says it is more a vignette or was it vinaigrette? Who knows about these things? It is all very confusing.

Citizen
January 23rd, 2014, 03:46 PM
good stuff. As I've said in other critiques, I like shorts that can paint a vivid mental picture for me without beating me over the head with it. I agree with an earlier poster on the medicinal scotch line as that helped wrap it up nicely.

Thank you, Allen. Remember scotch is not just for breakfast.

Pluralized
January 25th, 2014, 04:18 AM
Very nice. Flows, and feels poetic. A little Scotch goes a long way, at least in my breakfast. :)