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shedpog329
January 8th, 2014, 04:12 PM
bvhlibijl

cassie30
January 10th, 2014, 09:12 PM
What time period does this take place?

shedpog329
January 10th, 2014, 10:06 PM
Difficult for me to say at this point, I don't think that the time line is justified to be in the same brackets so I want to say modern but the way its spoken in dialogue I almost wanted to put it in the fantasy thread to lighten the bars thresh hold. I'm usually lingering in the poetry rooms and this is only a second attempt at writing some sort of story so I don't know if its up to par, hope it was somewhat enjoyable for where it left off. Trying to make some small edits but on my phone without access to a computer till monday to post more, I really am grateful that people are reading it though.

cassie30
January 10th, 2014, 10:43 PM
I only asked cause you use a shilling which is an old England currency. I know this cause I did some research for my story Trapped in Time which is posted on here. I also have a post called first 20 pages.

shedpog329
January 10th, 2014, 10:58 PM
I keep trying to change it to nickle but my phone won't let me. I was aware of the Samolean shilling where I thought it might be interesting. Its one of those things where I got it all set in scribbles but forgot the basics to scribbling so Ill see where that takes me. What did you think of it by the way. Made some small changes

cassie30
January 10th, 2014, 11:52 PM
I liked it.

Kevin
January 11th, 2014, 09:50 PM
Interesting piece, Sp...a venturing out for you, fiction, as I 've only seen you in poetry town. All right then, with my vast (as big as and vacuous as the universe) intellect I shall attempt to proffer my opinions (while sounding sufficiently pompous, I hope...)


His exaggeration and attraction to finding hope and sentiment in other places stunts a development of his own

He therein does not seem fit in to the world before him- a sort of a preamble/ introduction... I take it as poetic foreshadowing, prolog. As far as style goes I like this idea, have seen it, appreciate it. Often and usually, it consists of lines/passages that at first, given there is no context, the reader finds baffling. It is assumed that by further reading the meanings and relevancy will be revealed. It's not that they consist of the unintelligible or some word-puzzle, but that the ideas or themes therein will somehow have a point related to the story.
but...in this case...
Your preamble, what does it mean? Line 1 there are two objects, two nouns, hope and sentiment which I assume you are referring to at the end as both being stunted. So, there being two, should not 'a' be switched out for something plural (the?) Then again, in the first part...do you mean exaggerated attraction towards... This being prose (or poetry) some clear communication is foremost. Whatever level of sophistication one hopes the reader to possess, we have got to know what it is you mean. Otherwise, you (your story) face abandonment...

Drawn in of gold, our bounds feels something gold - another difficult line. 'in of' and 'bounds feels', should these words, just at a basic syntax level, ever be placed side by side? I read them and I stumble. Also, the meaning behind it eludes me. There is the theme of gold, the sign etc. but what does gold mean? What is the idea?

A sign hung readily- hangs or is/was hung? ,

Convinced the boy was beyond - Convinced, the... (convinced of what? to enter?)

Convinced the boy was beyond to be excused he stored his past to be of permanence but not permissible- punctuation at least, but this is too opaque. Give me some standard English. At best I can guess some desire on his part for insight to his own past, but it's still just a guess.

crucifixion to yesterday- of yesterday? What yesterday? his yesterday? I need some clarity. Dumb it down, make it simple; say it. This is a difficult concept you're trying to convey as it is, so I think you need to be more direct.

“Sit” She said, making her mark... - All right then, a smooth transition to conversation, dialog... this becomes much clearer. I see the reference or basis in archaic speech patterns, okay then; I have no quarrel (though some might)

The Island women- change it to singular.


, she firmly poined to an awry seat across from her own pressing into subject- Period, Capital 's', pointed, period at the end; attention to basic grammar/punctuation...come, come lad, or I shall have to get out the ruler, cause for you to offer outstretched palms...crack, crack upon them... Discipline, Boy... self-correction and diligence...or receive the whacking.

Taken backwards - aback?

“Tell me this now Mistress Marygold of the riches I so long beckoned for- ..that I for so long beckoned(wished? no no, don't let me write it. keep it yours...). And where are the commas. Speak it, with the pauses, and place them in the appropriate positions...


“Mhm” A pause and then another

“Yes, I see” she continued

“Well? he questioned - a brilliant series, but where are the missing punctuation marks? That's it...offer thy hands! And be quick...

ashamed as if the doors to grace slammed in front of him and pushed him back...- simile, yes, but punctuation again. Perhaps a change of sequence, as if (etc.) before ashamed. Jat

anyway - any way

ghost to apprehension.- hmm? of? is this invention or homage? Whichever, I don't recognize it...

That if what was given with density had the capacity to gain clarity- reads like a fragment. Is it connected to next quote?

But wait” she looked again and the boy humbled himself. “But hope is frail to begin with” she continued. “and fertile by the chance of continuance. That if what was given with density had the capacity to gain clarity” She pointed to his hand cuffed, as his eyes stayed affixed to hers.

“So to be in the eyes of God, I felt time and again had I passed on to reflect this point across." Her fingers traced the lines of his hand. Her eyes fixed to his "Nothing was true but God and time. That what was sought in the day would stir the faith of an eye lost by the night. The thoughts of this second to none chance is not given with haste but a chance to maintain ones self and what came before faith” - The conclusion. All right then. Not for beginners. The boy's disappointments halted and given a second review, a second chance...sufficient weight of idea to deserve effort. I might revise, revise, revise...

hope this helps, love (in the most abstract/universal) K :)

shedpog329
January 11th, 2014, 10:52 PM
Kevin! I'm thrilled here. My antisipation has me jumping out of my skin. However I'm going to have to wait till Monday to respond as I have no access to a computer. Thank you a thousand Kevin for the lengths and time you put into this. I look forward and Ill see to it Monday.

shedpog329
January 14th, 2014, 12:30 AM
Interesting piece, Sp...a venturing out for you, fiction, as I 've only seen you in poetry town. All right then, with my vast (as big as and vacuous as the universe) intellect I shall attempt to proffer my opinions (while sounding sufficiently pompous, I hope...)


His exaggeration and attraction to finding hope and sentiment in other places stunts a development of his own

He therein does not seem fit in to the world before him- a sort of a preamble/ introduction... I take it as poetic foreshadowing, prolog. As far as style goes I like this idea, have seen it, appreciate it. Often and usually, it consists of lines/passages that at first, given there is no context, the reader finds baffling. It is assumed that by further reading the meanings and relevancy will be revealed. It's not that they consist of the unintelligible or some word-puzzle, but that the ideas or themes therein will somehow have a point related to the story.
but...in this case...
Your preamble, what does it mean? Line 1 there are two objects, two nouns, hope and sentiment which I assume you are referring to at the end as both being stunted. So, there being two, should not 'a' be switched out for something plural (the?) Then again, in the first part...do you mean exaggerated attraction towards... This being prose (or poetry) some clear communication is foremost. Whatever level of sophistication one hopes the reader to possess, we have got to know what it is you mean. Otherwise, you (your story) face abandonment...


I'm not sure I'd call it a preamble but I guess in terms it is, though only a few sentences. I agree its a little color blind, I'm with you there Kev but I did not write it completley without a way to see fit. I don't think it outshines the rest of the story but I'd imagine that if an individual would seek hope and sentiment, then they would go to someone or somewhere that could provide it. So be it a fortune teller, an advisor, a set of laws to abide by or a a book of daily reflections. I think its easy to point to a big red stop sign and know to stop, but how to stop took the time to think, "well more should stop here". I suppose one is stunted in their direction because they believed so much in the hopes of others so deeply to be the right way to do things, there was no question needed to be answered on they're own. Another example would be the science of success. Anyone one can say to themselves that Einstiens Law was to to try, try again. So in turn thats what we do is, we try again untill we succeed. The level of success does not come from simply getting the answer however, but from knowing the many levels it took to get to find that answer. Correct?

So what I mean is, that yes this can be better, but is it relevent to the story? I hoped maybe you could tell me. However I guess I will have to work through it till the end.


Drawn in of gold, our bounds feels something gold - another difficult line. 'in of' and 'bounds feels', should these words, just at a basic syntax level, ever be placed side by side? I read them and I stumble. Also, the meaning behind it eludes me. There is the theme of gold, the sign etc. but what does gold mean? What is the idea?

And so there is color right? Begining with syntax, "in by" and "bounds feel" sound better? In context, the man is seeing a fortune teller for what? a rabbits foot? No. He's going there in hopes for his fortune. So for a place to be designed richly by the word fortune, I saw gold as a term that seemed well situated. And so to walk into a place so richly defined, I guess one wouldn't want to feel the luck of the draw but to know that a fortune awaits.
A sign hung readily- hangs or is/was hung? ,


Ok here


Convinced the boy was beyond - Convinced, the... (convinced of what? to enter?)

Convinced the boy was beyond to be excused he stored his past to be of permanence but not permissible- punctuation at least, but this is too opaque. Give me some standard English. At best I can guess some desire on his part for insight to his own past, but it's still just a guess.


Good Guess. Is that a stretch or should I rewrite to be more upfront than this?


crucifixion to yesterday- of yesterday? What yesterday? his yesterday? I need some clarity. Dumb it down, make it simple; say it. This is a difficult concept you're trying to convey as it is, so I think you need to be more direct.


A faceless yesterday. When first meeting someone you would say what? We'd echoe a Hello, a Davinci Coded hand shake and then we'd decide who is it that was among mice and who were among men. "A sign hung readily" What does the sign say first of all Kevin? Hello, My Name Is Blank? and then what does our entry suggessest? A crusifixion "of" yesterday was the correct answer for us. But what about the remaining characters. The story is titled "Forgiven" but who is it thats begging for Forgivness here.


“Sit” She said, making her mark... - All right then, a smooth transition to conversation, dialog... this becomes much clearer. I see the reference or basis in archaic speech patterns, okay then; I have no quarrel (though some might)

The Island women- change it to singular.

Will do.


, she firmly poined to an awry seat across from her own pressing into subject- Period, Capital 's', pointed, period at the end; attention to basic grammar/punctuation...come, come lad, or I shall have to get out the ruler, cause for you to offer outstretched palms...crack, crack upon them... Discipline, Boy... self-correction and diligence...or receive the whacking.

Taken backwards - aback?

“Tell me this now Mistress Marygold of the riches I so long beckoned for- ..that I for so long beckoned(wished? no no, don't let me write it. keep it yours...). And where are the commas. Speak it, with the pauses, and place them in the appropriate positions...


“Mhm” A pause and then another

“Yes, I see” she continued

“Well? he questioned - a brilliant series, but where are the missing punctuation marks? That's it...offer thy hands! And be quick...

ashamed as if the doors to grace slammed in front of him and pushed him back...- simile, yes, but punctuation again.
Perhaps a change of sequence, as if (etc.) before ashamed. Jat (Explain what you mean here)


anyway - any way

ghost to apprehension.- hmm? of? is this invention or homage? Whichever, I don't recognize it...


to "Understand"


That if what was given with density had the capacity to gain clarity- reads like a fragment. Is it connected to next quote?


To get what you came for.



But wait” she looked again and the boy humbled himself. “But hope is frail to begin with” she continued. “and fertile by the chance of continuance. That if what was given with density had the capacity to gain clarity” She pointed to his hand cuffed, as his eyes stayed affixed to hers.

“So to be in the eyes of God, I felt time and again had I passed on to reflect this point across." Her fingers traced the lines of his hand. Her eyes fixed to his "Nothing was true but God and time. That what was sought in the day would stir the faith of an eye lost by the night. The thoughts of this second to none chance is not given with haste but a chance to maintain ones self and what came before faith” - The conclusion. All right then. Not for beginners. The boy's disappointments halted and given a second review, a second chance...sufficient weight of idea to deserve effort. I might revise, revise, revise...

hope this helps, love (in the most abstract/universal) K :)



It did help alot Kev, thanks for taking the time and Ill revise revise revise. Hope to put more up Tuesday

escorial
January 14th, 2014, 12:42 AM
The boy seemed to have a lot of wisdom for one so young..how young I'm not sure but Mistress Marigold was everything I imagined she would be and her words seemed so real....you set my imagination going..were we in a caravan,tent...it was all happening and at the end my thought was...fantastic conversation between the two.