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January 4th, 2014, 12:12 AM
I was driving home from work, when I swerved to avoid hitting a deer; I narrowly missed the huge pothole to my right. I thought boy is Susan going to be mad. I had yet another car accident. But somehow this one was different; the world around me was going from gray to color and from color to gray. The color world was abstract and sort of cartoony. Confused, I pulled to the side of the road to examine my surroundings.

I tried to stand but my knees were weak and I fell back into the driver’s seat. My minivan from 2011 started looking like a pickup truck from the 1930’s. As I regained composure, I decided to examine the outside of the car as well. On the outside of the pickup truck the tires were white walled and black. On the inside gone was the radio and air conditioner. The pickup was totaled so I couldn’t drive it even if I wanted to; plus I was a little dizzy from the crash.

Even with the dizziness I decided to walk to the local food store. In the local food store I picked up the local paper and saw it was 1936. As I walk around to buy some food I bump into a woman.

“I’m sorry miss I didn’t see you there,” I said.

“It’s okay I’m fine,” she replied.

“What is your name, I’m Michael,”

“Nice meet you Michael, I’m Maria,”

“I’m completely lost as, I’m not from here. Is there a place I can stay?” Michael asked

“Yes there’s a charming little hotel called El Rey Court not far from here,” she answered.

“Sounds great I’ll head there now. But my car broke down is there a cab that comes around here,”

“Yes, there’s one that stop by here every fifteen minutes. You’d better hurry the cab will be here in two minutes,”

In attempt to make the cab I rushed to buy my food. Then it hit me what if my money looked like it did in 2011. As I pulled it out I quickly realized that my money had changed too. I sighed in relief.

The cab ride was ride fast and I arrived at the El Rey Court around seven p.m. even though I didn’t have a reservation I asked for a room at the front desk. They only had one room available and they were kind of enough to give to me.

In 2011 I wore a red shirt, blue tie, and gray suit. However, because I teach history I recognized that my simple suit from 2011 was now a drape cut suit and tie; because of this the drape cut suit looked like it overlapped at points because of its many folds.

I’m in 1936 and I have no way getting back to my time period of 2011. I can’t seem to figure out where I know Maria from. I keep getting this feeling that I’ve seen before. And because of this feeling I felt some deep connection to her. Even more so she reminds me of my Grandma Maria. I really loved her smile plus she had an hour glass figure.

Unbeknownst to me she followed me to the hotel. Next thing I knew there was a rap on my hotel room door. Surprised I let her in.

“So what do you want Maria,” I asked.

“I just wanted to make sure you were safe and sound,”

“Why do you keep looking over your shoulder like that for?”

“Oh no reason nervous habit I guess,”

“Is there someplace more public that you would feel more comfortable talking then?”

“Yes there is a park not too far from here can we meet there tomorrow at nine a.m.,”

“That’s fine by me,” So the next day we meet at the park to talk.

As we sit on the park bench the silence seems endless. Michael burst out laughing.

“Why are you laughing Michael?”

“We came here to talk and were just sitting here in silence. So Maria what do you do for a living,”

“I’m a school teacher but I want to be a writer. I hate teaching it’s so boring. So what do you do for a living?”

“For right now I am unemployed. I need a job do you know if anyone is hiring,”

“Of course I do the local grocery store is hiring right now, they are hiring for cashier,” she said.

“Thank you, for the advice, I think I will go apply for the job,”

“You’re welcome,”

The next day I headed for the local grocery store Smith’s Food and Drug to apply for the job. As I found from Maria the job they were hiring for was cashier, which I used do while going to college to get my degree. Even though, I had some experience I filled out the application with trepidation because I had never worked a manual cash register before and my math skills were horrible.

From the hotel room I saw Maria walking down the street. I rushed outside.

“Do you want to join me for dinner?”

“Sure I’ll join you.”

So that night I met Maria for dinner in the hotel dining room and we talked about my day.

“So what did you today Michael,”

“I applied the job at Smith’s Food and Drug today. I hope I get the job,”

“I know you’ll get the job because you’re smart and I bet you’re a fast learner,”

“I may be a fast learner but my math skills are awful,”

“I bet you pick it up so fast your head will hurt,”

“I don’t think so Maria but, thanks for the vote of confidence,”

The more time I spent with Maria the more I began feel that Maria was grandmotherly. Yet I was falling in love with her in the short period I’ve known her.

She couldn’t possibly be my grandma, my grandma Maria died on February 22, 1995. I was eighteen. Then I remember I’m not 2011 anymore but I’m in 1936.

So I decided to ask Maria some questions.

“How old are you Maria?”

“Don’t you know you’re being rude by asking my age?”

“I’m wondering because you remind me of someone I knew,”

“Well I’m genuinely surprised. In that case I am 30 years old. Also I’m married to great man,”

“Really who are you married to?”

“I am married to Charles Katko why do you ask,”

“Just wondering, you remind me so much of my Grandma Maria Katko,”

“Wow my name is Maria Katko too are we related by chance,”

“No I don’t think so maybe she’s a niece or cousin. How long have you and Charles been married?”

“We just got married three days ago. We’ve been saving up for the big day,”

Oh crap, she is my grandma Maria. Now what the hell am I going to do? It can’t be I’m in love with my own grandma never mind the fact that she’s married. Oh crap, I’m doomed.

Then I thought about Susan and my kids in 2011. I wondered how I get back to 2011. The more I thought about Susan and the kids in 2011 the more I began to realize that needed to go back to that time period.

Then I thought I may never get back to 2011. What would happen to my wife Susan and my kids in that time period. Then I began to wonder what will happen to me. As I thought about all that, I wondered what would happen if I married another woman here in 1936. I just had to get back to 2011 but how.
So after some thought I called Maria from hotel phone and asked some hypothetical questions.

“Maria say you weren’t already married what kind of guy you would date,”

“I like the rugged handsome type sort of like yourself, why do you ask,”

“Um I’m just curious. What would you do on first date?”

“Wow you sure are curious. However my ideal first date would be a picnic on the beach with my best man why,”

“I may be stuck here a while and I wondered if things were different here from where I was from,”

“Ah I see. So at this time you’re somewhat single and looking to date someone. Do you have a lady friend in mind?”

“Yes and no. the person I have in mind is already married so that complicate things. However I still think about making love to this woman,”

“Yeah well what if person or woman also thought about making love to that man,”

“What are you saying Maria that you want to make love to me as well,”

“Yes Michael that’s exactly I’m saying,”

“Just a minute you’re married! Why are you thinking about sleeping with me?”

“My husband Charles slapped me yesterday for no reason. I guess he thought that I was cheating on him even though I didn’t,”

“Maria I haven’t been totally honest with you. I’m not exactly single. I’m married in another time period and I came from the year 2011,”

“Yeah I could tell you weren’t from 1936. So I went to the local library and did research on you. Because of this of research I didn’t find any record of you yet so figured you were from distance future. However I have no idea how to get you back to your time. So I decided to make love to Michael. Plus I’ve fallen in love with you too Michael,”

Nevertheless I wasn’t surprised. I mean ever since arrived she’s the one who’s been there for me from the start. So I went house hunting cause I feeling I was going to be stuck in 1936 for a while. I’m still in New Mexico but where exactly I’m not sure. However I was surprised that Maria wasn’t surprised I was from the year 2011. Something just wasn’t right there. I wonder what kind of research she could have done. I needed to know what she knew. To keep it casual I will start out friendly.

“Hi Maria, how are you doing today,”

“I am doing okay thank you. How are you doing today? Why are you being so formal today Michael,”

“I’m doing good thank you so much. What makes you think I’m being so formal today?”

“Oh nothing much it’s just the way you’re talking and looking around,”

“I just need to know what you about me because it seems surreal to me. Like the fact you knew I was married and I was from the year 2011 and not 1936,”

“As I’ve told you before I did some research on you,”

“Yes, you did tell me that you did some research. But I am wondering how because some of the resources that are available in 2011 aren’t available in 1936,”

“Yes I know that. Yet somehow I able to get files on you in our 1936 library; there I was sitting in a corner trying to find some information on you, when this guy came out of nowhere and handed me a file with your name on it. Why didn’t you tell me that you were related to me and Charles, Michael Katko?”

“I didn’t tell you, you were my grandmother because it can cause a ripple in time. But yes you are my grandmother Maria. And I guess the file told you my full name is Michael Kristopher Katko. I also bet that file says that my parents wanted to spell Christopher with a C but you said spell it with a K it sounds much better. What don’t make sense to me is how this guy got to you and what time period did he came from,”

“He told me that he came from 2011 in a wormhole. The wormhole was open long enough for him to bring me the file and leave. But before he left he did say there was a way for you to get back to your time is through another wormhole,”

“You mean there is a way for me to get back to 2011 through a wormhole. Wow that’s wonderful news! But what would happen to us,”

“Well I would still be your grandmother in the future till I die in 1995. Before you ask yes that file contained that too; but I don’t know how to create a wormhole or how you got here in the first place. But I might know someone who knows about wormholes even in 1936,”

“What is this person’s name and occupation? I mean I was going to pick up my pickup truck from the crash site,”

“His name is Robert James and he professor of science. And your pickup truck was towed to the local gas station,”

“Okay we’ll meet him once I get my pickup truck from the local gas station,”

So we walk from my house to the gas station. From there we drive to professors James’ house on the other side of town. Once we arrive I rang the doorbell.

“Hello who is there,” Robert said

“It’s me Maria and I brought a friend with me,” Maria said

“Come in,” replied Robert still refusing to open the door.

“Who is he and what do want I’m a busy man. Can’t you see I’m working on an experiment,” Robert said.

“He is Michael and he is from the future and he needs a wormhole to get him back to that time period,” Maria replied.

“Well, well that’s exactly my experiment a wormhole that is. It’s not ready yet. It won’t be ready for at least three days come back then,”

“Okay we’ll return then Robert,”

Three days later we drive up to Robert’s house again this time he meets us outside.

“Is that your pickup Michael?”

“In a sense yes; it was a minivan when I was in 2011,”

“Fine, fine that’s more information then I need,” he replies and then disappears into the house with wave of his hands.

We just stood dumbfounded. We had no idea what we supposed do.

“Are you guys coming or what,” Robert called.

We followed Robert into the house and were surprised to see what looked like a big hole in the wall in far left.

“That is the wormhole in case you haven’t guessed. Unfortunately there is no way to transport your pickup truck at this time. But all you have to do is walk through the wormhole and you should be in the year 2011,” Robert said.

“I hope so I miss my wife and kids,” Michael said.

As I head for the wormhole Maria pulls me back and gives me a kiss on the cheek for luck.

“Don’t go,” she whispers

“I have go Maria I can’t stay here,” I whisper back.

I head for the wormhole and step in before it closes around me no time for sad goodbyes. As I look back I see tears flowing down Maria’s cheeks.

I feel dizzy as the wormhole spins me around and around. I finally land with a thud on the ground with a thud. Ouch I think. When I finally land I wonder what year I am in. I don’t have wonder long. I pass by this man and I strike up a conversation with him.

“Hi I’m lost can you tell me what year this is,”

“You speak funny mate. Where ye from? Did ye say what year this is? This be 1860 mate,”

“You wouldn’t believe me if I told ye. Where is this place? What country is this?”

“Don’t ye know that ye are jolly ole London, England mate?”

London, England 1860 now what was I going to do. Then I passed a mirror and saw what I wearing, an overcoat with black velvet on trim, wide lapels, deep cuffs over a frock coat and waistcoat. Also I’m carrying a top hat. All I want to do is get back to my time and live in relative peace with my wife and kids. I’m getting dizzy with all these time jumps. Before the man walks away I ask him a few more questions.

“Is there a place around here were one might spend the night,”

“What mate? Do you need a place to sleep huh mate,”

“Yes mate I do”

“Ah mate there’s a nice little Inn around thy corner here,”

“Ah thank ye mate. I think I will go check it out mate,”

“No problem mate,”

The man walks away and I go on my way to the Inn. The Inn happily named The Jolly London. It made me laugh. I walked into the Inn and approached the front of the Inn.

“Hi a kind man told me about your lovely Inn and I was wondering if you had a room to rent,”

“Yes mate we have a room to rent. It will cost ye 3 pound 1 shilling a night mate,”

“Okay no problem,”

Thankfully my 1936 money changed yet again to 1860 England money so I no longer have USA dollars but 1860 pounds, shillings etc. I need. I was shown my room by the local wench. I slept soundly on the bed. The bed however is smaller then I’m used to.

When I woke up the next morning the sun was shining through the window in my room. Then there was a knock on the door. It was the wench from the night before.

“I’m a here to take your breakfast order sir. The master of house wants everyone’s breakfast order,”

“I’ll have porridge, eggs and milk,”

“We don’t have eggs sir. So just porridge and milk then sir,”

“Yes ma’am,”

“By the way no one calls me ma’am so thank ye sir,”

“Ye welcome,”

After breakfast I again decided I need a job.

“Hi I enjoyed my stay here last night. But I was wondering if you knew anyone needing a hired hand,” Michael asked?

“A hired hand huh mate sure I knows someone. They’re names are John and Mary Cartwright. They need someone to milk the cows. Are you game? They pay 2 pounds five shillings,” replied the inn keeper.

“I’ll take it,” Michael replied.

I’ll admit I don’t know a thing about milking cows but I need money. I’m also they’ll provide a little training on the job. Now my problem was how to get to the farm. It wasn’t as if I could go around the corner.

With the money I had left I rent a carriage to take me to the farm. The driver is a lively old chap and he loved to talk.

“So where are ye from mate?”

“I don’t think you’d believe me if I’d tell you. But I will tell you I’m not from here,”

“Yeah I can tell mate by the way ye talk. Ye sure do talk funny but I don’t minds. We are here mate,”

I get out of the carriage and John and Mary meet me with all their kids. Their kids make me miss my kids.

“Hi first things first do you have any experience with milking cows,” John asked?

“Hi no I don’t but I’m willing to learn and I will work hard,” Michael replied

“Good god man ye got some balls. I like you, ye hired,” John replied

So John and family showed me around the farm. It was huge; they had chickens, cows, pigs and horses. My job however was to take care of the cows. That job entailed milking, feeding, washing and so forth.

After the tour it was time for dinner and I was famished. Dinner was simple we ate what grew on the farm. The farm grew corn, potatoes, beets, carrots, and cabbage plus we ate some of the animals on the farm. Dinner tasted great Mary was a great cook. I was surprised to eat with the family. For the first night I was honored guest instead of hired hand. Tomorrow I would eat with the other hired hands. John then showed me to the servants’ quarters.
The next morning before the other hired hands were awake John woke up me to talk to me and ask me some questions.

“What year are you from? You can trust me as I am from the year 1999. I have no idea how I ended up in 1860 but now I’m stuck here with no way back to my time, “John said.

“I’m from the year 2011,” Michael answered.

“I originally landed in 1924 fell in love with my great-grandmother. Then the next thing I knew I fell through this wormhole in time and landed here in 1860. When I realized I wasn’t getting back to 1999 I saved the money I made and bought this land you’re working on now. Married Mary and had six kids. And I think my oldest Alma would be perfect for you,”

“Thanks John but in 2011 I’m married with kids,”

“Never mind her she probably declared you dead by now. Oh by the way did Y2K happen in 2000,”

“No Y2K never happened in 2000. But a lot of other things happen before I was transported back to the year 1936 were I fell in love with my grandmother. Why would you say my wife would have me declared dead by now?”

“Cause my wife had done the same thing after a few weeks. And what seems like a few weeks to you is actually years in reality. So in reality you’ve been missing for years at time by now,”

“That can’t possibly be true. This was only my second time jump. How many time jumps did you make before you settled in 1860?”

“I made exactly two time jumps. One from 1999 to 1924 and one from 1924 to 1860 then I settled down here because I failed to find another wormhole. And I doubt you find one yourself,”

“I have to try John. I must try,”

“Try if you must. Time for breakfast,”

The servants’ breakfast consisted of eggs, milk, toast, and bacon. The Cartwright’s believe in a hearty breakfast and healthy worker. They also believe that a well fed worker is a hard worker. My training began with John early that morning with that talk. But from now on it would begin at 5 am with the rest of the servants.

During my break in the barn I saw a gap in the wall in the far left corner. I began to wonder if there was a wormhole there originally. How else would John know about his 1999 wife declaring him dead? Someone from that time period would have had to time jump to tell him the news.

In my mind’s eye I see a flash of memory a memory that seems to be mine. No way could I have been the guy who came from 1999 to John his wife declared him dead; maybe that’s why I’m time jumping now.

Meanwhile back in 2011 Susan is worried about Michael he’s been missing for almost two months now and his body has yet to be found. The kids miss their dad terribly and the way he laughed. She is beginning to wonder if she should bury the past and move on. They haven’t even found his car.

She went to the police station to stop the investigation of her missing husband Michael. In her mind he’s dead already. But there’s no way of proving it without the body. But she decided to go ahead with the funeral anyway. On the grave it read here lays Michael Kristopher Katko born October 1974 died 2011.

It was the saddest day of her young life to bury her young husband of fifteen years. Susan always thought that she would die first.
After the funeral Susan decided to sell the house and remarry her two boys needed a father. But before she got remarried she needed to settle some things legally. The reason she decided to sell the house is because it’s where she Michael made a family and she needed a fresh start with the boys. The house had too many painful memories for Susan memories she like to forget.

Back in 1860 Michael didn’t waste any time investigating the gap but there was work to be done on farm. But he was itching to find out more about the gap. He just knew somehow he was connected to some secret society that promoted time travel. But he taught history in New Mexico. His love of teaching came from his grandmother Maria because she was teacher. However he just found out his grandmother Maria hated teaching. But he still loved teaching. He missed the students and the jokes. This nagging feeling that he belonged to the time travel society just wouldn’t leave him. He needed to talk to John again. After dinner that night Michael approached John.

“John did I come through a wormhole in your barn,”

“Yes you did and you said you came from 1999 to tell me that my wife declared me dead. So I closed the wormhole and gave up hope ever going back. I suggest you forget ever getting back to your time,”

“I knew it John I was a part of some secret society back home. Now I must say I’m sorry that I did that to you,”

Deep down inside I knew there was a way to reopen the wormhole in the barn and I wasn’t going to give up; but how was going to do that without alienating John and Mary. Plus I didn’t want to marry Alma. Why in the world John wants me to marry Alma is beyond me.

Every day on break I examine the gap in the barn. The hole is huge and oddly round. I wished I had measuring tape. Then it hit me he didn’t close the wormhole it was still open the wormhole was just covered over. I wondered why John did that, but I didn’t dare ask him. My job was to keep the barn clean not inspect it.

One day I woke up in a cold sweat I had a bad dream I dreamt that Susan declared me dead in the year 2011. Then later that day someone tapped me on the shoulder while I was in the barn.

“Are you Michael,” the stranger said.

“Yes I am why,” Michael replied

“I am here to tell you that your wife has declared you dead; I come from the year 2011. Here is a file of your life back in 2011. That’s all I can tell you,” the stranger said.

My worse fear has come true my wife has given up on me but I still can’t give up on ever getting back to that time period. I just wanted to break down and cry. But there is work to be done so there is no time to cry. The stranger disappeared through the wormhole again.

In 2011 Susan is suffering from severe depression. She’s been suicidal. And she’s been crying a lot. Her two boys James and Michael Junior were scared for her. Susan’s mom Sarah was worried about her. Sarah was so worried she even offered to take the kids for a while.

Susan can’t help but think she made a mistake in declaring Michael dead but now that was done there was no going back. Now she was dating a colleague of Michael’s a guy named Christopher Lancaster.

The kids are starting to get upset over the fact that their mom misses their dad so much. Plus they don’t like her new guy so much. They feel he tries too hard to be nice and include them. Christopher doesn’t even like the same baseball team as them. Oh hell he doesn’t even like baseball.

Back in 1860 Michael has decided to walk through the wormhole in the barn. But first I have talk to John.

“John I know the wormhole isn’t closed. I plan on walking through it in hopes of getting back to my time. I have to try,”

“Do what you feel must. But how did you know that wormhole was still open,”

“Well for one thing someone walked through it to give me a message. And secondly on my breaks I would examine the gap. I’m sorry I did that behind your back,”

“You did what you felt necessary. But if you walk through that wormhole you may not end up back in 2011. You might end further back in time or you might end up in a future time,” John said.

“I’m well aware of that John. But it’s a risk I’m willing to take. One of these damn wormholes will lead me back to the right time. If it doesn’t I’m going to die trying either way,” Michael replied.

So after dark that night I went to barn pulled off the covering that hid the wormhole. No tearful goodbyes tonight I was in the barn by myself so I thought. As I approached the wormhole I heard a gasp from behind me. I turned around in time to see Alma following me. I nearly jumped out my skin.

“What are you doing here Alma,” Michael asked.

“I want to go with you Michael. I love you,” Alma said

Great now what am I going to do. “You can’t go with me Alma. I’m married in the future. Just forget you’ve ever met me,” Michael replied.

“Doesn’t it matter to you that I love you and I want to be with you despite the fact your married. Plus the last time you were here you got me with child. Yes we had a child together but I had to give it up,”

“When did we have sex I wasn’t here long enough to make love to you or anyone for that matter?”

“Okay you caught me I lied it’s not your child. But I did have a child. I just couldn’t bring myself to admit I was raped by one of my dad’s hired hands Charles.

And if my dad found out Charles raped me he would fire Charles in heart beat,”

“Do you love this Charles as much as you claim to love me?”

“Yes I do but since daddy forced me to give up the baby Charles doesn’t want anything to do with me,”

“So you figured if you left with me Charles would miss you and tell your dad he was the dad of your child,”

“Yes I hoped he would come forward without me here to hinder him,”

“You still can’t come with me it’s dangerous even for me,”

“But, but I have to come with you,”

“No you don’t and you won’t that final,”

“Okay bye Michael,”

Now there were tears as I walked into my second wormhole in the past. Maybe just maybe I’ll land in 2011 here’s hoping. Again I spin around like clothes in washing machine. When I finally land I land on a beach in the summer time, right in the middle of a beach volley ball game. As I land I hear slang words being thrown around like crazy.

“Hey man are you blitzed or something? You crashed right into our game man,” the teenager said.

“No I’m not blitzed as you put it. What year is this man,” Michael replied.

“You don’t have to answer him Richard,” teenager two said

“Shut up Pete. You seem like a cool Cat so I’ll tell ya it’s 1960, replied Richard.

“Where am I,” Michael asked
I've made some changes enjoy.

J Anfinson
January 13th, 2014, 04:48 AM
I was driving home from work, when I swerved to avoid hitting a deer; I narrowly missed the huge pothole to my right. I thought boy is Susan going to be mad. I had yet another car accident. But somehow this one was different; the world around me was going from gray to color and from color to gray. The color world was abstract and sort of cartoony. Confused, I pulled to the side of the road to examine my surroundings.

Your first four sentences start with I (This entire piece has way too many, actually). One of the hardest things to learn about writing in first person is how to avoid that. It can be done, though. What'll have to happen is that you'll need to restructure your sentences (and possibly add a few more words) so that "I's" aren't required as much. For example:

On the drive home from work I swerved to avoid hitting a deer. The tires of the minivan squealed against the pavement and I had to jerk the wheel to the left to keep from bottoming out in a large pothole.

Susan was going to be pissed. She'd probably never loan me her car again.

Another problem I noticed is that you go from first person to third. Example: "Michael said." You've got to stick with first if that's the way you're writing it.

Now for the good news. Even though a lot of what you've got would need to be restructured to win over a publisher, I think you have an interesting story here. The relentless jumping through time, meeting people that Michael is related to, finding grandma to be a hot babe :puker:, etc.

If I remember correctly, you have issues with learning grammar? That being the case I won't go into a detailed correction because this is pretty good.

I think this could be a fascinating story if it was polished. Perhaps when you finish it, you can hire someone to edit it for you. Right now I'd say you're on the right track to producing something you'll be proud of.

Hope what I've said has helped, and if you disagree please remember it's just my opinion. :)

Oh, and the best way to learn how to write in first person is to read and study your favorite first person novel. Discover how they avoided the overuse of "I", how they achieved emotional effects, how dialogue was written... hope that helps too.

January 13th, 2014, 11:25 PM
Thanks for the advice. Do you think there is too much dialogue?

J Anfinson
January 15th, 2014, 12:23 AM
Sorry for the delayed response.

No, I don't think there's too much. Actually, I think you've got a good dialogue/narration ratio. It's just that some of the dialogue doesn't sound natural, as if you're forcing the characters to say what you want them to say and you're not just letting them talk. What I do is, I imagine that I'm standing right there next to them, listening in. It's like I can hear them in my head and often it's hard for my fingers to fly across the keys fast enough to keep up. Then again, I don't know your method so I could be wrong and this is how you hear them. Hopefully someone else will chime in and give you their thoughts so you'll have more than just my perspective.

January 15th, 2014, 07:34 PM
One man's opinion:

This whole thing is zomg fast for my tastes lol. You touched on 'too much dialogue' That's not what I'd call it. In my not-at-all-professional opinion I would say it's a great deal of wasted opportunity for pulling the reader into the various settings you have the characters flying through on fast forward. I can see your story being the start of something really good if it slowed down about 500% at least. I tried to find a good spot to insert some detail into the setting or get some mood going but almost every five lines is enough progress through time and space to be a scene of it's own :D At this speed you could run through the whole new Dr. Who series in fifty pages or less!

You've got like.. a semi detailed outline of something to be written out in longform. That's my one man's opinion at least.

NOT presuming to say what's better or worse, this is the sort of thing I see hidden beneath the surface here, at least to the extent I'm capable of expressing it myself:

When your main character shows up looking for work on the farm:

I step down from the coach into the smell of damp hay and fertilizer. This is the real thing, farmland to the horizon. Closing the door, I fiddled with the unfamiliar door lock until it looked shut enough and waved goodbye to the driver. "Morgenstern & Co." it read in gold leaf letters on the back of the coach, whoever that was. With any luck I wouldn't be around long enough to get acquainted with the taxis. History had never really held my interest.
Looking ahead, the carriage had left me at the end of a deep rutted set of tracks running up to a two story white farmhouse on the far side of a field. Surrounded by a half dozen out buildings it looked like a small village in the distance. Much closer, the villager's themselves presumably John and Mary, waited to greet me a few yards in from the main road with their kids. Putting on my best smile I had to fight the reminder of my own children, all about the same age, from whom I'd been torn forever.
No, I'd see them again.
Almost running into John's extended hand, I broke from my recollection of them and got ahold of myself, accepting his strong handshake. Eye's narrowed, he looked me over for a moment and nodded.
"Yes sir."
"You can handle cattle?"
"Not sure, but I can learn and I'm no stranger to hard work."
John looked to his wife with a smile and turned my hand over, exposing the stark contrast between his worn farmer's paws and my relatively soft hands. "I bet."
"Just tell me what to do, and I'll do it." I said pulling my hand away.
"Well you've got a pair I can see that. I think I like this one Mary. You're hired."

Again, NOT saying my version is better. It's just an example of slowing down a bit. I would just slow down a lot so you could get a lot more out of it. It's hard to keep up for the reader when you're in a new place/time every 5 lines.

Hope that helps!

January 22nd, 2014, 02:20 AM
This needs a lot of work. You changed verb tense a lot. You're missing commas and and periods all over the place. The sex with grandma parts are super weird and disturbing. It's hard to read because of the lack of punctuation.

January 31st, 2014, 04:27 AM
I love time travel, and this one's very Quantum Leap.

Nice job having him run into a fellow time traveler.

You could do a lot with a plot like this.


"...That job entailed milking, feeding, washing and so forth...."

By adding "and so forth", you're summarizing within a narrative summary. That's overkill. I think most people probably already have an okay grasp for what tending to the cows requires anyway. You can leave this out.

"Dinner was simple we ate what grew on the farm. The farm grew corn, potatoes, beets, carrots, and cabbage plus we ate some of the animals on the farm. Dinner tasted great Mary was a great cook. I was surprised to eat with the family."

There's a run-on sentence and a dire need for punctuation all over here. Break this up a little. (And don't forget to punctuate throughout.)

You're describing fresh, yummy farm food! Make our mouths water. Tell us what dishes they had that night and what parts must've come straight out of the ground or from the pasture. Give me carrots that crunch in your salad, or chunks of meat dripping with stew juices.

Why do this? Because this is a guy who can't get home. He is going to delight in the simple pleasures, and food is one of the best. It also serves to give the reader that cozy feel.

"For the first night I was honored guest instead of hired hand. Tomorrow I would eat with the other hired hands. John then showed me to the servants’ quarters.
The next morning before the other hired hands were awake John woke up me to talk to me and ask me some questions."

This feels choppy and rushed. In fact, I get the feeling all the narrative storytelling is rather simple and rushed, like you just wanted to hurry past it and get to more dialogue. This really messes with the pacing. You've got an awful lot of dialogue in the story. Almost too much if you're going to water down any non-dialogue by rushing through.

I don't want to overwhelm you, so I'll stop here.

February 5th, 2014, 11:44 PM
First thought: You should check the narration items, use "-" when a character speaks, the intercalated quotes are annoying.