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Citizen
January 3rd, 2014, 07:20 PM
All right first time out with the training wheels on. Chances are punctuation and grammar are terrible but please point it out. Looking for what you think and since my ego is fragile I am wearing my extra thick skin today. Just be honest.



A Midnight ride down Rock Bottom Road


by Citizen


I gave my last cigarette to him. He took a long draw from it and the tip looked like a beacon in the night. The smoke floated lazily in the still air.

"I appreciate the smoke, friend. It has been a few weeks since I have had ten cents in my pocket and as you can see I am not independently wealthy."

"Well, wealth is more a state of mind than a state of being and it is very over rated." I said dryly.

"Of course." said the man, "I have known wealthy people in my old world who were bankrupt and had millions of dollars in their accounts and poor folks with no money but had wealth more valuable than the riches of kings." He shook his head, "Poor souls. They will come to the end of their days and know nothing of true wealth."

"What is true wealth?" My curiousity was getting the best of me.

"Friend." He inhaled deeply, "Friend, that is the question men have asked to themselves since the time of Adam but I know you have that answer already.

"I do?"

"Yep." "All junk is dumped at the side of Rock Bottom Road if a man is true to hisself, if he is honest with hisself." My truth was painful and I was a rotten SOB. No man could stand in my way. I was driven. I had everything! I wanted to see everything. Do, be, want! Everything! Or so I thought.

Times got tough but I didn't see it coming towards me. My arrogance drove away good people. My anger grew and grew and more people walked. I had to cut back, then I had to sell off. I needed money. I wanted money but it was only squeezing past my fingers the tighter I gripped them. Then the end came and everything was gone.

No home. No family. No money. Just the clothes on my back, this pack full of old odds and ends, and a second pair of worn out shoes."

"I know all about the no home and money stuff." adding my two cents.

"I suppose you do," came the reply, "but how did you come to this stretch of the road since we are both standing here in the dark?"

"My story is the same as yours just a whole lot less money is involved." "My life ended two years ago last month."

"So." asked the owner of my last smoke as he took the final draw, "What wealth have you discovered in those two years?"

"I used to walk fast to get from place to place, from one meeting to the next but found out here in the land that the slower you walk the more you see. Wealth is around us all. It is the entire palette of every thing in motion. The world does not care if you are angry nor does it care if you ignore it because we all come to it in our own days." Nature's money is the wealth that is worth more than any inferior trifle we can create and gives us riches that can not be measured.

"Exactly."

We shook hands and he stepped off down Rock Bottom Road into the darkness.

escorial
January 3rd, 2014, 07:43 PM
I'm thinking is this about morals or a POV about a subject close to your heart.

JamMau5
January 3rd, 2014, 08:43 PM
money does not equate to true wealth...interesting short piece. something i think we see occur a lot in our society today. it does sound like it stemmed from some personal experience.

Citizen
January 4th, 2014, 11:19 AM
Thankfully I have never been on Rock Bottom Road. Though I have hope it will happen some day. This was something that popped in to my brain years ago in Iraq. Does it read like a normal thing? I have wondered if it could be made longer but have failed to see a way to that end except as part of a larger work.

WriterJohnB
January 5th, 2014, 03:48 PM
The writing is quite good for a beginner, but you need to take a look at the placement of your quotation marks. It's difficult to tell what's dialogue and what's not.

Hope that helps,

JohnB

Citizen
January 15th, 2014, 03:57 PM
Yes, sir. It helps very much.

allenasm
January 16th, 2014, 09:47 AM
this is the sort of piece I like to read. It makes me think and transports me to the moment. The writing style is really good even if the text is at times awkward (i have the same problem). Thanks for posting this, I enjoyed reading it.

thepancreas11
January 16th, 2014, 11:48 PM
This is a good exercise for a first time writer. It's very simple, very direct, and although at moments a bit too preachy, it has meaning. You could definitely flesh out some details about the main characters here, and you could turn it into a short story, or if you're ambitious, you might want to make it a novella, something stronger. Whatever you do, don't lose the purpose of your writing. Purpose is everything. Give me a reason to read a piece, and I will.

My one qualm is that you're not very subtle. Be gentle with your message. Here, it reads more like a speech at some points. Use examples from his life to accentuate his death. Use details of his appearance to give us his personality. You want to show us things rather than tell us. The less you give away directly, the better off your story reads.