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View Full Version : New start - Half Moon - Chapter 1 - 443 words.



Hopscotch
December 30th, 2013, 02:07 PM
Hi - I describe a charachter at the start - the Barkeep A) Does the description work? B) Would you describe a charachter that has no big role to play? He is a reflection of the things that do the menialtasks of this society. (I used to be a bartender). Cheers.

Chapter 1 – Childhood

They met in the bar of the People’s Friend Hotel, gave the impression of a party accidently met. He was dour in an over coat peppered white with snow. Her layer upon layer of thick jumpers was a well-fed mishmash of colour. They were studies of isolation, separated by few words. The room was long and thin, the bar ran its length covered by riveted steel. Stools topped with torn leather frayed with age or use populated the floor. The pair sat astride and watched each other through a muck streaked mirror on the back wall. A barkeep pottered adjusting bottles and polishing glass.

He watched the Barkeep, its skin like tissue paper, spidery blue veins criss-crossed milky flesh, chest heaved as if lungs were too big for their frame, moved as if someone had planned the motion, scribbled hastily onto scrumpled paper. A new-born’s gait with a practiced accuracy of a drunks walk home.

He placed a hand on the steel topped bar and knocked. Its blank face looked at him and blinked. “Yes worker, what would you like?” It’s voice a dial tone.

He looked at the androgynous thing. She pretended not to listen. “Barkeep, I booked a room, 34A, is it ready?” The thing slow blinked him, a wet sucking sound. The sound of the past being dredged.

“Yes worker, Jacob Masterson, 39, Guard of Gulag 8324, Relatives of Traitors. Your room is ready, please enjoy your stay.” It offered a clammy hand which held the key. He stared at it, cringed at the thought he had to touch the thing.

“Anything else we can help you with today?” It produced a gum filled smile probably learnt from a manual.

“No.” He said.

“Serve well then worker.” The pale thing replied.

He grunted, took the key, and left his half-finished drink on the bar. He wished they wouldn’t smile. She pretended not to notice him leave, ordered another, finished it, and then disappeared into the bowels of the hotel.

In the room, drawn curtains barricaded the darkness in. A table lamp illuminated the room. She lay on the bed. Jacob checked the cabinet for a Bible, but found only a film of dust. ‘What would it help’ he thought, as he walked to the door, took the ‘Do Not Disturb’ sign, and hung it on the other side. Her face contorted into a visage of pain, an awkward furrow. Teeth clenched she stifled a scream. He rushed to her side and watched her suffer. A rising panic in his chest, trying to remember the fogged detail of advice never sought. The child screamed, wet to the world.

Badhorses Mare
January 3rd, 2014, 05:10 PM
A) Does the description work?
Work for what context. As I see it, it works as well as any description would, we know what the character looks like and have a general Idea of what it is. I do love your descriptors! A new-born’s gait with a practiced accuracy of a drunks walk home.
B) Would you describe a charachter that has no big role to play?
Yes! I wouldn't go into their entire lives but a base description is always helpful and shows the fore thought that went into the story. I find it also tends to 'smooth out the edges' so to speak.

Some of the writing is a little difficult for me to understand though. Im sure it's my ineptitude as a writer but these are the spots I don't quite get.

'gave the impression of a party accidently met.'

'They were studies of isolation, separated by few words'- I take it to mean that the narrator is alluding to the fact that most people in small quiet bars tend to be rather deppresed.

'pottered'- once again perhaps my own problem.

'She pretended not to listen'- There was only one brief mention of a female in the bar and it's a little confusing.

'The thing slow blinked him, a wet sucking sound.' - Perhaps ' The thing blinked slowly at him..." or switch blinked and slowly.

'The sound of the past being dredged.' I feel as if this sentence will make more sense later in the story and I love the idea of pseudo-spoilers. XD


'He stared at it, cringed at the thought he had to touch the thing.' - Perhaps 'He cringed at the thought of touching the facsimile and merely stared at the keys.' Something like that.

Hopscotch
January 3rd, 2014, 05:31 PM
Hey bad horses there is a rewrite of this in prose witers workshop under half moon version 2 - but thanks for ur crit- i will look out for anything you do feel free to message me when u put something up and i'll go through it for you! Cheers dude.